AIBU? Food, Weddings and other occasions (DH family etc)

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Hi (first of all, sorry for my English. DH is English, I'm not). Anyhow, I'm pregnant but before that I used to do quite a lot of sport. It included weight requirements, not just what I ate but also how much I weighed.

When I went to a wedding or was invited to a family lunch I asked what the food was, if I could eat it great, but I usually brought my own (there were work related exceptions for this.)

During the off season I could relax, eat piece of cake/a Sunday lunch. But during certain times this was not an option. I've never asked for special considerations to my diet, but DH's mum felt like she had to. She was also somewhat annoyed/hurt (she loves cooking & hates picky eaters),

DH thinks I should eat in a normal way, whatever his mum cooks, our friends cook, is offered in a restaurant, a wedding, the same things he eat at home, I'm not ok with this idea. I personally think being "relaxed" (eating like I do during the off season) is enough. The pregnany is a bit like an off season imo.

My MIL does not understand me still not eating what she wants me to eat. My DH kind of understands but thinks I'm crazy. and it causes tension between my DH and my MIL and also in our relationship.

AIBU? Do you have any advice?

Yanbu and you are right to think that you will find it hard to change your mindset again after the baby. I ate a similar diet to you pre my 3rd pregnancy as I was training in advanced yoga and wanted to be in great shape. My morning sickness carb fest out paid to that and the exhaustion kicked my sugar consumption into high gear and it Hs taken me the best part of a year to sort my appetite and food choices out (and I still struggle much more than I did before) so if you can stick to it Do you will be so glad you did later on.

Your body your choice you should never eat:drink something because it makes someone else happy..wtf is that anyway?! Says more about them than you if that's what they want from you I think

Oh come on! I know that it's hugging (just with the legs instead of the arms). But I think it's also obvious that it looks a bit like veeery relaxed and cuddly fighting. In certain fightings choking is normal. It's a cute pic! :)

Right, I do think that eating whatever I want will just make it harder to stick to my meal plan again. at a time when going back into shape will be harder, because of the pregnancy body and a little baby (not that it's the baby's fault. it's normal. If I thought I couldn't deal with it we wouldn't have decided to try for a baby...).

Plus, my DH is not what my family expected at all. But they accept him!

Yes, of course I would, if she came onto mumsnet to say her constant and obsessive chocolate eating was causing issues with her inlaws and asked for advice. For what it's worth, I would suggest she address her feelings and the causes of her feelings rather than eating to numb the pain. But that's irrelevant because it's not your issue.

I didn't say there was anything wrong with self-medicating with exercise. It's healthy to go for a run if you're feeling stressed or whatever. Of course much healthier than eating chocolate. But that's also irrelevant, because that's not your issue.

The issue YOU have (rather than some fictional person you introduce to detract from your situation) is that it isn't healthy to exercise the level of control you have to have over food. Whatever the reason for doing it.

By "at your mercy" I mean your child will, by default, live in the environment you create for the child with your partner. They don't have a choice. So your way of living and how you choose to eat will be at least 50% their default setting. Do you think your way of eating is the right default setting for your child? If you really do, go for it - its no-one else's business.

oh, and Boulevard. I don't think dairy is bad. But apparently it's not particularly good for me. Why should I eat something that won't be a benefit if I can eat beneficial food?

What's your BMI OP? I'm guessing it's low but in the normal range as presumably if it was too low you wouldn't be allowed to compete.

It doesn't sound to me as if you have an eating disorder tbh. It does sound as if you're quite rigid about your diet, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have an eating disorder.

I hate the way that hospitality for some people always seems to have to revolve around food. When I last went home to my home country (Northern Ireland) we had a lot of people to visit, and even if we weren't visiting at normal eating hours there would still be homemade scones etc., on one level it was very sweet and kind that people had gone to so much effort, on the other it was actually quite annoying that we had to eat all the time.

Worst was when we went to visit a relative mid afternoon - honestly it was 2-4pm - and they produced a batch of Irish stew, which I can't stand. I politely declined and DH had to eat 3 bowlfuls to make up for my rudeness (at least that's what he says).

You express yourself very directly, probably because English is not your first language, and I suspect that's what some people partly have an issue with here.

Oh and I shouldn't say this but once your DC is born, you'll hold all the best cards anyway as MIL will be so keen to see her DGC that she'll surely comply to your politely expressed requests to hold off on the butter on the veg.

LaPharisienne, if my child wanted to train the way I do yes, it would be a healthy diet. But children aren't allowed to train this way, so it would only be an issue for older children. If my child didn't want to train like I do it would still be a healthy diet. Just not neccessary at all. Why not eat tasty food when you can? When the rest of your family does...? I don't say, "I don't want cake to stay skinny" (which many other people do, btw). I say "I don't want to eat cake to be good at fighting and training".

I don't think my diet is obsessive. It's the easiest way to make weight and be strong. I don't want to cut a lot of weight before weigh in. It would be much harder on my body and I do think that seeing that could be bad for a child. It would be like saying: You want to be slimmer? Just do these things and you can be skinnier in a few days (obviously not really skinnier, mainly just less fluids)

No dairy, no simple carbs, taking your own food to weddings and other people's houses? Not obsessive..?

Yeah... Even when I was eating very carefully, surrounded by other people who are similarly carefully, I could see that my diet was obsessive and unhealthy - I just saw it as a means to an end and didn't anticipate the problems it would end up causing.

Not sure I have anything else to contribute.

As soon as you are taking your own food to social situations because you cannot out anyone's food other than your own in your body, including people's weddings, then that is obsessive. Regardless of the underlying reason x

It might be hard to stop your children from wanting to copy your extreme diet, but it does sound like you aren't going to force them to follow it. I agree with your points about junk food diets for kids - I think it would be equally unhealthy for a parent to be modelling a diet that is filled with junk all the time. When all the fads are over, it still seems to me that the old-fashioned "food pyramid" diet works for most people, adult or child - lots of fruit and veg, some lean protein, enough healthy carbs to fill you up (growing children need more) and sugary and fatty food not completely banned but not part of the daily diet.
For what its worth, I'm a vegan and don't expect anyone to cook special meals for me. I don't have kids but, if I did, I would probably raise them as vegetarians rather than vegans, as i really don't think children should be restricted to such a severe degree as I have chosen to be as an adult.

OP why are you here if you know you aren't being unreasonable?

i thought I might be unreasonable, tbh. And got really insecure. I'm still not sure about my MIL. Just wait, or explain again etc....

But then I thought about what the alternative is (stop training, cutting and probably still being weaker etc...) and I realised that I think the way I did it and want to do it again is the best.

I also thought about what my family asked me about my DH, and even though they did not like some things (especially one of my grannies) they accept us. They don't tell my husband he has to give up his research for example (though my mum thinks it's really really weird and a bit useless!).

I think breaking it down, whatever your thoughts about food, the possibility of you having some sort of eating disorder and the effects on your husband and little one, the thing I see is, you will make and exception for your DH and your boss but not your MIL - that speaks volumes.

rookiemere, my bmi is not very low (my prepregancy bmi was around 20-21.1+.. it honestly depends on when I'd stand on a scale). As I said, I'm not skinny. I think I probably look... strong? Not bodybuilder strong (not that it is bad) but muscular strong.

I wouldn't be happy with a bmi that's too low, tbh.

Ah, Irish stew...? I have never eaten it. But it sounds like your husband was very sacrificing in eating so much ;) My family also wants people to eat (or drink), my DH loves it! So, I eat very different than they do. Then, why shouldn't the LO eat differently than I do?

I started studying English in my teens (and had to study other foreign languages before that), so it is probably because of this that lead to my speech being more direct. You're probably right. Oh well, at least I get honest answers? Even if I didn't agree , I think some were helpful. I just have to look at my MIL like me, but with cooking. It's a bit weird to me, but ok...

harshbuttrue , but do you think it would be unhealthy for the hypotethical children to see that you don't eat eggs and dairy? I don't think it would be, tbh. I wouldn't restrict the LO's diet (except for fries for breakfast etc.).
Of course it would be cool if the LO wanted to fight. 2 of my cousins (and some removed cousins) were trained by their dad and uncle in gymnastics. My dad couldn't help me that much, so it's an advantage. But if they don't want to that's allright. Of course I think my child(ren) are the best and a gift to humanity . I'm their mum! :) Whether they do fighting, reading, drawing or ballet...

RestlessTraveller, Well, maybe it would be different if my MIL would also want to make exceptions for me?
If I knew she understood I could sometimes eat her food and sometimes not. Because if she doesn't and I start eating it and then don't again it will be worse. It's a narrow ridge.

I make an exception for my boss because I work for him and because I made a commitment.
I made a commitment to my DH, he's my husband and I love him. My husband also does things for me, it's an exchange.

I'm thankful my MIL "made" my DH. But I did not marry her, she's not my wife. I respect her, I go to her place, I'm polite, I help cleaning dishes etc.
I would never keep her away from the LO or anything like that. But I don't have to change for her, we're not a partnership.

Sorry, wasn't trying to guess your sport, Triangle Baby was from my sport!

I don't think your DC would necessarily notice you don't eat dairy; I generally don't eat the 'carb' component of family meals, and the DC haven't noticed or commented, they are too busy shovelling food into their faces.

Having read the whole thread I'd say YANBU, but then I'm not emotional about food. I would think it a bit off if you sat eating your food from home from a tupperware, but if it's decanted onto a plate and you're eating socially I really can't see the big deal. It wouldn't bother me, I like to have people round to socialise and, unless the meal is an occasion - such as a birthday - it's incidental to the visit.

When people are going on about you sacrificing pastries, I would see it as you love pastries and you love your sport, but you love your sport that bit more than the pastries, so you go without those in order to be the best you can at your sport. :)

You read the whole thread? Oh wow, that must have been long. Thank you!
Yes, of course. It's just pastries. I love pastries. But it's ultimately just pastries (well, except for onion pie, that's not "just" pastries. That's heaven!) Why would I choose a quick moment of delight for my tastebuds when I enjoy training more and it lasts longer...
Well, it's usually not in tupperwear boxes. I have bento boxes, they look a bit neater and have partitions. So when I open the box it doesn't look like a mess. Sometimes I put in on a plate, sometimes not (depends a bit on where I am).

Boulevard, oh, makes sense :) it's an adorable photo, so thanks :) !!!

Why does it depend where you are for playing it up?

*plating it up

? Well, at work it's normal to have a box or something.
When it's relaxed (like outside in a garden etc) many people have plastic plates and stuff? So, it doesn't matter when I have a box. We all eat standing, sitting around etc.

But at my MIL she wants her table to look neat, right? So I put it on a plate. I'm not sure why that's a problem? Plus, one can't eat very neatly from a box.

I think a bunch of people are treating you harshly.

It says more about their relationships with food than yours when they're bitching about the fact you put your health and sport above being fed by a well meaning relative.

Good luck with your pregnancy :)

Who do you think has treated her harshly Procrastinator?

I agree the OP has been treated harshly and I have also been disturbed by the sexist undercurrent that her sport that she loves and take seriously is an indulgence she has to sacrifice to please her DH's family.

OP, I think is is wonderful you have a passion in life. I think you are right to look for how you can maintain that when you have a baby. I don't think becoming a mother means you have to sacrifice the very essence of what makes you and I am glad you have a supportive DH.

As far as I am concerned, his selfish feeder of a mother can get to fuck. But you sound far nicer than me. So continue to stand your ground politely and ignore the Stepford wives on this thread who apparently think it is an acceptable expression of love to try to make an adult eat food they don't want to eat.