AIBU? Food, Weddings and other occasions (DH family etc)

[1horatio]

Hi (first of all, sorry for my English. DH is English, I'm not). Anyhow, I'm pregnant but before that I used to do quite a lot of sport. It included weight requirements, not just what I ate but also how much I weighed.

When I went to a wedding or was invited to a family lunch I asked what the food was, if I could eat it great, but I usually brought my own (there were work related exceptions for this.)

During the off season I could relax, eat piece of cake/a Sunday lunch. But during certain times this was not an option. I've never asked for special considerations to my diet, but DH's mum felt like she had to. She was also somewhat annoyed/hurt (she loves cooking & hates picky eaters),

DH thinks I should eat in a normal way, whatever his mum cooks, our friends cook, is offered in a restaurant, a wedding, the same things he eat at home, I'm not ok with this idea. I personally think being "relaxed" (eating like I do during the off season) is enough. The pregnany is a bit like an off season imo.

My MIL does not understand me still not eating what she wants me to eat. My DH kind of understands but thinks I'm crazy. and it causes tension between my DH and my MIL and also in our relationship.

AIBU? Do you have any advice?

Anyhow, we're about to go the the inlaws. DH asked my MIL yesterday whether we could bring dessert an she said him asking was thoughtful (yes, I am really really surprised! I'm secretely wondering and dreading if she has mumsnet and read this! but we'll see).
So we're bringing looooads of berries, vanilla icecream and sugarfree/diary free [stevia & coconut] chocolate sauce. So, I have my own food for lunch but we'll all have the same dessert (minus the icecream). We'll see how this goes!

Eh, maybe it's sexist, maybe it's not. I do admit that I've had more negative reactions from women (I've honestly never heard a man say something negative about what I eat,,,). But I don't think the reason for why is neccessarily sexism?

However, I'm actually really appreciating the harsher answers. Explaining why actually made me explain in detail. It also made me more secure.

DH is much more supportive now. I think before that he felt that I was wavering and therefore maybe thought it wasn't so important whereas I was actually wavering because I was insecure/annoyed.

Which he understands now after reading this thread and talking some more (although he did google EDs yesterday, I think he's calm about that again).

So, thanks for every answer :)

at Boiledfart's posts.

Did you not know, OP that you are A WIFE and soon to be A MOTHER?? Stop with this silly (vom) selfish (double vom) nonsense and relinquish your own wishes like a good doormat woman.

Or, channel MIL's attempt to 'love you with food' into other things - ask her to help with nursery decorating? Or blanket making? Soft toy making? etc.

I bet you kick arse at your sport. Do as you please.

Different pesrpectives are still useful. But yes, I am very good at kicking ;) Thanks :)

DH decorates the nursery (he really wants to do that). We just agreed it should be not pink, not dark, no sports, functional and gender neutral.
I suspect he'll go with a Lord of the Rings theme or something! He has made extensive plans with his friends and cousins etc... Which I think is incredibly adorable!!!
But tbh, I think he doesn't want his "laddy mojo" (my word for it) to be stifled by his mother...

MIL is making blankets, and socks and hats etc... Which is sweet of her.

(Face-palms and walks away)

ok...? I did appreciate your comments. Helped me understand the possible motivations of my MIL more... So thanks! :)

I have just read the full thread and I am quite shocked that posters are telling you to carry on with your strict diet whist you are pregnant. I understand your sport is important to you but surely your baby should be so much more important to you right now.

Dieting or restricting what you eat when pregnant surely can not be good for the Baby?

As for when the baby arrives, I think it could possibly cause anxiety with food if she/he has to sit down at mealtimes with two parents eating two different meals every meal time.

I do think you have food issues op and I hope you can work round them for the sake of your dc.

Dieting or restricting what you eat when pregnant surely can not be good for the Baby?

The OP follows a healthy diet, far more sensible than piling on the pounds eating crap through pregnancy which plenty of women do. It is actually dangerous to the baby to be overweight & sedentary. Being fit and slim is a good thing, whatever physical endeavour you are undertaking, including maternity.

Participating in a sport and eating a diet to support that is not the same as an eating disorder.

All the people supporting the OP - have you had to make weight for a sport? Are you a woman? Do you have personal experience of what she's talking about?

I get how it seems normal, healthy even, from outside. But I don't think anyone has appeared to say "yeah! I totally restricted my diet to make weight for years - no issues for me or my loved ones. Crack on OP!"

I participate in a sport that takes up a huge amount of time and commitment. I don't have to make weight, but it impinges on my family life in many ways. My DH is an utterly wonderful support at all times.

I find I am frequently judged harshly by women for my commitment to my sport. One acquaintance once told me I would get back from a competition and find my DH gone and it would serve me right. So I know exactly the sort of woman that makes nasty cracks at a wife and mother who dares to have a passion outside the domestic sphere.

This woman spunds horrible! Maybe she was jealous and secretly hopes your DH would be with her? sounds like she has issues.

Ok.... So: phisically I'm healthy. According to our regular doc, the doc for the pregnancy and my... diet planner (sry, too lazy to google the English terms now). I don't eat like this to lose weight. I eat carbs, proteine, fat, veggies, fruit... I do not restrict calories. I do not starve myself. The food intake is very very healthy for the baby.

Many women in this world (though not in this country) don't eat white bread, sugary stuff or dairy. These women are healthy. Their children are born healthy.
I don't eat during the pregnancy like I do in the time before an event.

You may make an argument that my habits are psychologically unhealthy (for me and LO) I don't agree but I'll consider.
I'll pay special attention that it won't impact the LO, I think I want to go to a child psychologue to ask how they would handle this. I agree with LaPharisienne that making weight it is different to just eating healthy. This does not mean it is an ED (or that I'm doing it for attention or to controle others like some have suggested, because I'm sorry, this is bs. Though it did make me consider whether MIL feels this way, so a useful comment) but saying that it doesn't have the potential to be spychologically unhealthy is not correct.

But phisically? This is 100% not a problem.

The OP's issues for which she's asking advice are not caused by, or related to her spending lots of time on her sport. No mention of time spent on her sport anywhere on the thread. With respect, your issues and experience as set out in the above post are therefore not strictly relevant. Have you RTFT?

I can't speak for other posters, but my comments relate only to the impact of an obsessive approach to diet, based on personal experience.

I've always had serious and extensive commitments "outside the domestic sphere" and in fact do pretty much fuck all within the domestic sphere, if by that you mean childcare, cleaning and cooking. Do I get a prize for being the right sort of woman?

I totally agree with whatthe, what a great comment. And I also participate in sport, as I have done all my life. I don't have to make weight either, but if I decide to improve my diet/ cut down or quit drinking alcohol in order to benefit my performance then I don't let anyone's comments affect me (and yes there is almost always some sort of comment about it). My body, my decision. If people are so closed-minded as to equate what someone will or won't eat as a personal insult then that is their problem, not mine. It's really not the sort of issue that should affect personal relationships, family included. People should just be supportive - even better, take an interest and try to understand - and leave it at that.

YANBU re diet OP

Somewhere upthread, though, you said you hoped to train as much once you'd recovered from birth etc. I think that might be very difficult if your DH is also going to get time for himself away from being a SAHD. Not saying stop altogether, of course, but you will have a lot less free time.

Once a week for dinner with the ILs is a lot - if you cut back up once a month and maybe another meet up at a park or coffee shop or something, that might make the eating tension easier.

Glad to hear you're thinking about it OP. Genuinely, good luck with it all!

If you end up ditching the diet I hope you can carry on with and enjoy your sport, if in a slightly different capacity. Or another sport!

I can't believe this thread
Op it's up to you what you eat and anyone who doesn't respect that needs to butt out.
I hope you get back to the level you're wanting to....keep on kicking ass, I say!

I am not sure why you sound so angry with me LaPharisienne or what you mean by the 'right sort of woman'? I thought my experiences of women attacking other women for their commitment to a sport were pretty relevant, obviously you disagree, but there is no need to be so dismissive, really, is there? We can all bring what we want and consider relevant to this thread.

OP, I think you have been very patient and I encourage you to keep on keeping on. You sound very committed and sensible and I suspect your diet is far healthier than many of the contributors to this thread.

You are not being unreasonable at all. No one should be able to dictate what you eat.

My DH competes in a sport where he has to weigh a certain amount, and intends to for the next fifteen or so years. Long term it's much better for your body not to yo-yo in weight. We eat in accordance with his needs at home (I'm happy to do this as we eat extremely healthily) pretty much all year round. We will eat one meal a week that's outside the normal limits but even in the 'off season' it's better for him to keep (very) close to goal weight.

I've never been someone to eat biscuits or piece of cake with tea or puddings, so for me it's fine. My mother has no issue with his dietary needs, and entertaining and feeding other people is very important to her. Food doesn't trump other interests. Stick to your guns OP.

Uhm, thank you LaPha, but you do know I didn't say I agree?
I honestly am not even contemplating changing sport. I used to do a different one when I was younger (but yes, I also had to make weight back then, so that wouldn't change) This one I like much more... It's more creative, diverse and more fun.

whatthe the thread isn't about commitment to sport in general, it's about the the OP's rules around food, which happen to be set by her sport.

Your comment that you "know exactly the sort of woman..." dismissed anyone who took issue with the way the OP regulates her diet, but because you've experienced criticism for dedicating time to your sport, which doesn't follow.

Texas, thank you! This comment is calming. I assume your children don't have any issues with food? Do you do something to make sure they don't?

Yes, I agree, it's important to stay the same in the 'off season'. But it's still a bit different, so I call it relaxed.

Well, I have experienced the kind of woman who puts other women down for having a life outside the domestic sphere and I think it sucks. I think we should be celebrating and supporting women being able to maintain their passion to sport, instead of trying to sabotage their food choices, as the OP's MIL does.

Yes ok, but that's not what the thread is about. And not all passion for sport requires an obsessive approach to food.

LaPha and whatthe, I genuinely appreciate your comments.
There are women (maybe men do the same to other men?) that know absolutely nothing about making weight (don't even know I have to make weight or what this means) that make really rude snippy comments. And if this gets worse after the birth?!!!?

These women exist. Buuut I don't think lapha is like this.

I also like that LaPha wrote that what I do isn't just something I invented or do for nefarious reasons (attention grabbing, controle of others etc).
It is a real thing and not uncommon when one does some sports/fights.

And not all passion for sport requires an obsessive approach to food

Maybe not, but the OP's does, in her opinion. Her sport, so I presume she knows a bit more about it than her MIL, so therefore her opinion should be respected.