to find the buzz-phrase 'attachment parenting' and the way it's thrown around fucking annoying?!

[hearthattack]

Don't get me wrong. Attachment theory has lead to massive positive developments in the way we understand and therefore respond to infants and their mothers. I've worked with young people who have experienced truly poor attachment with care givers and seen the damage it can do. And seen kids with great attachment thrive. BUT.

'Attachment Parenting' seems to have become a pseudonym for never spending a moment physically detached from your child, meeting every single one of their demands however impracticable and never saying 'No'. I come across so many mums who call themselves 'Attachment Parents' and seem to see this label as a justification for why their nine year old still sleeps in their bed.

How many people who bandy this trendy phrase around have actually ready any of Bowlby's work from which current theories of attachment derive? Or have balanced this with Winnicott's theory of the 'good enough mother' and see how intrinsically linked they are?

Mothers don't need some Psychologies Magazine lite psychological theory to make each other feel guilty, inadequate or smug. There's enough of that going on in motherhood as it is.

I bet in 10 years or so people will look back at this trend and wonder why so many people busted their arses to achieve something so far on the pendulum swing of parenting styles.

Anyone with me?

unimaginative I am not talking about BLW but discipline, where on earth have I mentioned weaning in my post!

I BLW my first dc

It was bliss. She fed herself and I got to eat hot food.
Most of what I put on her tray she ate. Anything she didn't want got left and if she finished everything I would offer her more. Some meals she ate more than others so regulated herself. She used to dip spoons in to yoghurt and feed herself

Ds on the other hand, we tried blw but he got frustrated because the food didn't get in his mouth quick enough so we had to do the purée route. Now at 15 months he feeds himself everything except for runny foods. He doesn't have the patience to dip and lick. He prefers me to scoop and feed

For the record I did BLW for both my kids

OP, I take your posts to mean that you don't mind any of the things that fall under the "attachment parenting" method as we generally do many of them or just a few of them. What makes my eyes roll into the back of my head are those that label themselves. "We attachment parent..." (Usually whilst blathering on about "baby wearing", BLW and co-sleeping)
Good for you. Now get a life you sad bastards.
Anyone that feels the need to declare how they parent is boring in the extreme.

I think you ABU. I have read Sears, Winnicot, Bowlby and the Continuum Concept (Leidoff). This country went through a silly phase of cry it out, dummies, formula as fashionable (not as a back up when unable to breastfeed), babies kept away from their mums in hospitals, there were some shady ideas out there. I'm all for 'catchy parenting terms' as a corrective to some of this.

Apparently I am an 'attachment parent', or so I have been told, by others. I'd never even heard the term before when someone labelled me in that way, presumptively, because I was doing blw with my child!

I breastfeed on demand, I bed share, I use slings (and prams and pushchairs), my children were introduced to solids with blw, I don't use time outs, etc, etc. However, I don't label myself, others do that for me. I planned to breastfeed. I planned to use slings (influence from my cultural heritage, nothing else). The rest has been because it's what works for my children and has been about pragmatism!
I know plenty of excellent parents who do things differently - they are doing what works for them and their children, just as parenting should be.

I get very annoyed by any parent who insists that their way of doing things is the only way - and I have encountered that from both the Gina Ford advocates and attachment and 'unconditional' parenting enthusiasts. That is just small-minded and close-minded and there is no need.

There is so much judgement on this thread and it makes me a little sad. I know parents who use terms such as 'attachment' or 'gentle' about their parenting style just because it is shorter to use 1 or 2 words than to give a long, and unnecessary, explanation about how they parent. Anyone who thinks it means giving a child no boundaries at all has it very wrong,. Anyone who thinks that parenting in any other way must involve being nothing but cold and regimented with children also has it wrong.

The purpose is this thread seems to have been to just be judgemental and mean. Why do parents need to be that way with each other? There are (as this thread shows) plenty of parents using all kinds of styles of parenting who are willing to look down their noses and be scathing of others. Why? What is the point?

I don't want to be judgemental and mean. I agree that there's enough judgement about mothering and parenthood as it is.

I'm trying to separate out the 'doing' of any particular method from the 'belonging to a tribe'. It's the latter that I struggle with, because of the points you make.

My 3 children are teenagers now so attachment parenting wasn't a thing when they were babies. Gina Ford was all the rage, I couldn't get on with that so I was all wrong then as well. I did my best and muddled through. For a time I had PND after the birth of twins and was most likely quite a shit mother for a bit.

'Baby wearing' arose from sticking baby in carrier because it would stop them grizzling while I got on with stuff.
'BLW' - well we started weaning with baby rice at 16 weeks in the olden days, so I got that all wrong. I also puréed food. I KNOW!! I wonder then, how my strappingly healthy, tall & slim teenagers ever thrived through such abuse.

'Co-sleeping' - that was a massive no-no back in the day. We did it, in the interests of getting any sodding sleep, and lied to the HV about it. 'Oh yes, 'back to sleep', at the top end of a moses basket without fail Miss'. Do the twins ever sleep in the basket together? No Miss. (Yes they did, they were much happier that way).

You do what you need to do and what suits you as a mother and also what is realistic in the context of the whole family. My kids are healthy teenagers. They are nice, polite, kind, funny people who love us (and will say so - if 'love ya' counts) and are loved.

We've made mistakes, but I hope nothing major and I think we've got away with it so far.

Parenting theory is all very well, but it can so easily lead to becoming a 'rule' for the control freaks to seize on to assure themselves they are doing it 'right' or a stick for the fallible (I.e. the rest of us) to beat themselves up with.

storminateapot- my children are young adults.

The advice I was given was to wean at 6 months, my HV encouraged me to co sleep, I knew many others who practiced attachment parentig.

A few years ago on here I got totally hooked on several AP threads. While reading my mouth was generally wide open with incredulous disbelief...

I can still recall one AP parent smugly stating that when her 5 year old child refused to wear their seatbelt on a plane, the stewardess supported her 'approach' of gently opening an encouraging dialogue with her child. And after about 20 minutes of light toned, non threatening discussion with her 5 year old, the child finally deigned to wear the seat belt.

This, apparently, was a huge success and testimony to the superiority of AP techniques because, at no point, had her child felt coerced or pressured, and their self esteem had been enhanced by them having an active role in their own destiny.

Everyone was happy and positive about the outcome with no tears of recriminations and no negative feelings of guilt or animosity.

The AP conveniently chose to ignore the ,no doubt, myriad glares of annoyance and ire that were boring into the back of her head while her daft, wacky woo parenting delayed the plane taking off.

I understand not wanting to be overly negative to kids by saying no all the time and being v authoritative about making decisions for them , but avoiding the word completely sets them up for a problem once they hit school and then work imo.

I now see a lot of interns and recent grads at our company who clearly are not used to being told what to do, or that they can't do something and it causes real problems.

In all honesty has any one ever gone up to you and said
"What type of parenting do you do? We do the Gina Ford"
"Oh we do attachment parenting"

Ha, ha. Not yet.

But this morning I was at a mum's and tots group, chatting to two mum's I hadn't met before.

One was saying that her three month old baby hadn't fallen asleep in her cot last night but just cried and cried, until she was so worked up that not even breastfeeding calmed her down.

I simultaneously felt judgey that she let her baby get so worked up and defensive as my baby never falls asleep in the cot and will only fall asleep in my arms.

Then I realised that the mum was just making the point that she was tired today and the correct response was sympathy, not a comparison of parenting techniques.

I am not normally an insecure person but I think that patenting brings out insecurity and leads us to be more defensive and judgemental. Or it does to me, I need to actively remember not to be insecure.

My not putting anything in his mouth till he was nearly 2 baby was weaned after 26 weeks. Mind you he couldn't sit unaided till 18 months. He is an unfussy eater as a 9 year old so I don't believe it makes any difference in the long run.