to find the buzz-phrase 'attachment parenting' and the way it's thrown around fucking annoying?!

[hearthattack]

Don't get me wrong. Attachment theory has lead to massive positive developments in the way we understand and therefore respond to infants and their mothers. I've worked with young people who have experienced truly poor attachment with care givers and seen the damage it can do. And seen kids with great attachment thrive. BUT.

'Attachment Parenting' seems to have become a pseudonym for never spending a moment physically detached from your child, meeting every single one of their demands however impracticable and never saying 'No'. I come across so many mums who call themselves 'Attachment Parents' and seem to see this label as a justification for why their nine year old still sleeps in their bed.

How many people who bandy this trendy phrase around have actually ready any of Bowlby's work from which current theories of attachment derive? Or have balanced this with Winnicott's theory of the 'good enough mother' and see how intrinsically linked they are?

Mothers don't need some Psychologies Magazine lite psychological theory to make each other feel guilty, inadequate or smug. There's enough of that going on in motherhood as it is.

I bet in 10 years or so people will look back at this trend and wonder why so many people busted their arses to achieve something so far on the pendulum swing of parenting styles.

Anyone with me?

Then there's the argument that attachment parenting is inherently anti-feminist because it requires women to surrender themselves to their babies.

I firmly believe that AP is a load of nonsense. Children can form attachments to more than one person and it's actually important for their development to learn that their mother can go away but she will come back. That is real security. I believe a lot of the ideas are based on an incorrect view of parenting in primitive societies where it looks at first glance as though babies are constantly tied to their mother. Closer looking reveals that actually mothers leave babies with other care givers for a significant amount of time.

Oh YANBU.

I too have a friend on FB who posts all sorts of stuff about attachment parenting. Her dd is under two.

There was once a very funny thread on here where a parent was getting in a complete froth because her dc's nursery fed the dc food from a bowl with a spoon. She was "fuming" because "they've been told we are doing blw" and it was completely against their parenting wishes. And that it would affect how the 8mo in question developed.

That child must be about 7 now. I often wonder if development was hampered by that fateful day in 2009 when it sampled cottage pie from a bowl with a spoon.

So agree!!!!

And I really fucking worry for kids who are attachment patented - heard of generation snowflake anyone? Friend who is health professional has noted an increase in children coming to her for clinical psychological counselling for issues like not coping with a boyfriend/girlfriend break-up at the age of 14 etc since attachment parenting has been be norm. Kids can't deal with real life and the negativity that sometimes comes along with it because their parents are bending over backwards to respect their wishes (some are needs but not all - they don't have to have that fucking blue cup with their breakfast).

Yes ffitz - it's so sexist towards men too. My DH was a SAHD and everything ap parents spout about attachment that only mums can do - he has!! Dd and DH have a very close bond because he was there. It's this weird shit reverse sexism where women pressure other women to be SAHM and live for their kids. It's like they have no identity or career of their own, nothing that is motivates or stimulates them and instead they have to channel it all through their kids. Really sad.

Attachment parenting doesn't mean:
...that you never say 'no'
...that you have to be a SAHM
...that you have to breastfeed/BLW/whatever
...that you have no boundaries with your children
...that you think you're better than other parents
...that your kids will co-sleep until they're 9

Honestly.

My pet hate is the id bars you get under people's posts on the Baby led weaning site. Eg proud mama to two water- birthed, breastfed, baby worn, co- sleeping, baby led weaning monkeys.
I may be paraphrasing but it seems like to join the tribe you must follow every single one of these- no deviation allowed.

The first time I came across the term attachment parenting was when someone said I was treating my older child with severe learning difficulties and asd like a dog because he wore reins. Apparently if I had attachment parented he wouldn't have needed them. From that I cannot take the term seriously.

Drives me mad. I think the root of it is people looking for validation in their choices.

Just get in with parenting your hold however you want it doesn't need a wanky label. (I do realise than there are issues with attachment and that can damage children but AP seems to be a bit different to the opposite of that!).

I do "gentle parenting"

When I tell the kids to fuck off I always do it under my breath

kitchenunit

I've seen what "attachment parenting" and all its pressures can do to women who

1. want to sleep
2. want to not have their baby constantly next to them.
3. want to work

I actually think it's dangerous to women's mental health to have such high aspirations of never having your child leave your side, and that it's really good for children to form attachments with other adults. And guess what, these attachments aren't formed by babywearing or breastfeeding or cosleeping, but by talking, playing, and being kind. All those crunchy things do not matter and do not influence whether you have a good attachment or not. Otherwise humankind would be screwed. So... Wear a sling if the baby likes it, cosleep if you get more sleep, breastfeed if that works for you but don't you dare imply that anyone who doesn't do those things has a worse relationship with their child.

Kitchenunit!

I agree with MrsJamin - and if ap was looked at from theory it would say more about the mothers attachment style than their child.

I agree with you i also hate the throwing about of cortisol level stats if you dont have your baby velcroed to you im so glad ive done all my baby rearing its a bloody mine field these days

mrsjarmin i have a young mother friend who thought she had failed because .her children didnt act like her attachment parenting book said they would was a shame and she never got a break

There was an article about positive parenting in a magazine j read the other day.
It was about not saying no unless it's an emergency. Such as running off into the road.

No is more powerful if it's not used as often (apparently)

Anyway their idea is this

Mummy can we go to the park
Yes we can go to the park AFTER you finish your dinner

Mummy can I go and splash in that puddle
Yes you can splash in that puddle when you put your wellies on

Does that make sense?

"'Attachment Parenting' seems to have become a pseudonym for never spending a moment physically detached from your child, meeting every single one of their demands however impracticable and never saying 'No'.

Has it?

If you say so.

"I come across so many mums who call themselves 'Attachment Parents' and seem to see this label as a justification for why their nine year old still sleeps in their bed"

What's wrong with bedsharing with older children? The Japanese have always done it? It was a normal cultural practice in the UK for 100's of years. Are you suggesting it's wrong?

I must add that I nicked "crunchy" from another thread a couple of weeks ago it's not my term! And I do the things I do because they work for me. I wish I'd had the courage to go with my instinct earlier because it's so right for me and my children. We all find the route that works for us. My nephew is formula fed, has a cot, never been in a sling, eats from jars and is a happy and well adjusted little boy. What doesn't work is trying to do something that is not for you.

The problem isn't attachment parenting. It's normal for mothers and babies and small children to want to be close to each other.

The problem is women trying to do this while simultaneously having fuck all social and family support to help them cope with other aspects of life.

This thread is so predictable - people slagging off parenting practices like bedsharing and carrying babies, practices which are COMPLETELY NORMAL and unremarkable across most of the rest of the world, suggesting that these practices are extreme and ideologically driven. They're not. They're what most mothers do and what most mothers have done since the dawn of time without putting a name on it.

My 'attached' baby (still bf at 17m, Co sleeps, BLW) is a fucking nightmare.

My FF, crib / cot sleeper is a confident, well balanced, secure and happy 3.5yo.

Labels piss me off. I just did (and still do) what I have to do to keep me kids happy and healthy and to get some sleep

I think its the Labels that irritate me more some mothers take about their styles like they invented child rearing

YANBU. I m so glad my dc were born over 20 years ago. Then you just got on with it in a way that suited your family without ridiculous labels being slapped on every aspect of child rearing.
Baby led weaning? Ffs, that's just lunchtime

Minifingerz I don't think posters generally have a problem with the practices themselves, it's more the idea that you should do it X way or you're damaging your child.

I don't care if you co sleep with a nine year old. I DO care if you try to tell me that co sleeping with your nine year old makes you a better parent than me or your nine year old a nicer person than my nine year old.

I was just about to post the same PunkrockerGirl

It all seems so bloody complicated now.

It is my youngest baby is 18 all this hooha wasnt a thing back then you just got on with it everything about it now is like a project