to find the buzz-phrase 'attachment parenting' and the way it's thrown around fucking annoying?!

[hearthattack]

Don't get me wrong. Attachment theory has lead to massive positive developments in the way we understand and therefore respond to infants and their mothers. I've worked with young people who have experienced truly poor attachment with care givers and seen the damage it can do. And seen kids with great attachment thrive. BUT.

'Attachment Parenting' seems to have become a pseudonym for never spending a moment physically detached from your child, meeting every single one of their demands however impracticable and never saying 'No'. I come across so many mums who call themselves 'Attachment Parents' and seem to see this label as a justification for why their nine year old still sleeps in their bed.

How many people who bandy this trendy phrase around have actually ready any of Bowlby's work from which current theories of attachment derive? Or have balanced this with Winnicott's theory of the 'good enough mother' and see how intrinsically linked they are?

Mothers don't need some Psychologies Magazine lite psychological theory to make each other feel guilty, inadequate or smug. There's enough of that going on in motherhood as it is.

I bet in 10 years or so people will look back at this trend and wonder why so many people busted their arses to achieve something so far on the pendulum swing of parenting styles.

Anyone with me?

I am a person who really likes having rules and a plan, so I was bricking it about being a mum.

DH and I went to 'Birth, Bump and Beyond ' classes when I was pregnant. I said I just wanted to know how to keep the baby alive and healthy.

They said a lot about every baby being different and making your own choices but really they recommended -

EBF for first 6 months
Cot sleeping
No strict routine for newborns
Don't puree food for babies but give them bits of what your having.

For us this has mostly worked but I wish they had also been more open about other choices. At 5 months now I am having to work on getting DD comfortable with other people when I am not with her as we have been pretty much attached at the hip since birth.

"No is more powerful if it's not used as often (apparently)" That sounds pretty sensible, to my mind. But does that mean that "yes" is also more powerful if not used too often? Nevertheless I find myself saying 'no' a gazillion times each day. To toddler, partner, parents, PILs....

Lol at Kitchenunit

5 months old and its natural and normal for babies to be strange with other people you havnt done anything wrong you just need to be patient and trust the people you are wanting her to go to

From the responses on here hardly anyone knows what attachment parenting is. Where on earth have people got that it's about being physically attached 24/7 to one caregiver?

From many many mumsnet posts from speaking to AP parents who have this notion that a child has to attach to 1 caregiver

People froth so much about this on MN.

As far as I'm aware the idea behind AP is going with what suits your baby. If they hate a sling, they don't go in the sling. If they need to grizzle in peace for a few minutes then you let them, you don't annoy them more by rocking them. Sure there are people who've given themselves a tough time by following "rules" that don't exist, and there are weirdo extremists who claim anyone different is a crap parent,;but you find that everywhere. Lots of people on sleep threads claim you're damaging your child if you don't "teach them to self settle" ie do controlled crying, etc etc. It's not unique to self styled 'crunchy' parents by a long shot.

I haven't found parenting to be a minefield because I don't get my knickers in a knot about what other people think.

Yes, but in those examples you give NeedACleverNickname, there's no need to say the word "no". Because you're saying the child can do those things so - why are they such fab examples of avoiding saying "no"? They just sound like normal parent/child interaction to me. If we need a bloody article/book to tell us how to do that, we're all fucked really.

Well tbf some parents have no clue what to do and need ideas especially if they are managing behaviour just bumbling along and hoping for the best might be detrimental to the children Ime

I dunno how it worked it was just the way the article phrased itself
It was on the lines of

Can we go to the park
Instead of saying, no we have to eat our dinner first then we go to the park
It was yes we can when we have eaten our dinner

Some kids hear the word no and then everything else goes in one ear and out the other. By saying yes, you say they can do it but they have to do this first and they are more likely to listen

Positive parenting might seem silly concept but it's not a natural thing for some parents

The problem to me seems not be doing or not doing any specific thing, but rigidly sticking to one set of rules whether they're truly right for your child or not.

I had a child who hated slings, had such a poor appetite that she had to be spoon fed for a long time to get anything like adequate nutrition into her, and from the age she could vocalise it made it quite clear that she only ever wanted to sleep in her own bed. If I had I forced the holy trinity of baby wearing, baby led weaning and co sleeping on her she would have very miserable indeed.

I used the "whatever works" parenting method

Ds had a sling and a pushchair for when he was in a mood to be put down.
He was spoon fed as that is what he preferred. Even now he will take a spoon instead of feeding himself
He will sleep lovely in his cot but has to take himself off. No rocking allowed
He was bottle fed as he didn't take to the breast

It is what worked for him and what worked for me

What the chuff does 'crunchy' mean?!

Crunchy is:-
Baby wearing
Co-sleeping
Reusable nappies and wipes
Breast feeding for longer than a year
Elimination for peeing/pooping (can't remember the name)

And other things really

I've recommended this book before - it's absolutely fascinating. It's basically an examination of the hugely different ways children are raised across the globe. The 'noble savage' stuff really pisses me off - it's the same crap that gets trotted out in hypnobirthing ('women have been giving birth in baobab trees for millennia and dying of sepsis but they don't mention that do they?') this book is a great antidote to that.
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1107420989/ref=dp_ob_neva_mobile
It also gives the lie to the 'one caregiver' stuff. Most societies really live by it taking a village to raise a child.

And yes yes yes to ffitz above who says that lots about attachment parenting is anti feminist - the idea that you must sacrifice everything to the baby is really insidious.
To me, the high rate of mental distress in western mums is down to a toxic combination of:

Weakened family structures - no longer ten aunties around to help out.
Social isolation - I am quite socially isolated as an expat and it's very tough
Pressure to work full time outside the home and be a full time mother - having it all seems to have turned into doing it all.
Misogyny- still. You don't hear about 'working dads' do you?
And then on top of this you get slagged off for feeding your kid some mushed up banana when they're just starting to eat. A massive focus on things that don't matter while the things that do matter (support, social inclusion, affordable childcare, postnatal care* are thrown to the wind.

Never understood baby led weaning. Surely if you're giving them porridge/yoghurt/cottage pie then you feed it to them on a spoon, otherwise how the feck else are they going to eat it? And if you're giving them toast or something more solid you let them try to pick it up and put it in their mouth? Isn't that what everyone has been doing forever?

Crunchy can also veer into anti vaxxer/homeschooling/naturopath territory.

I always thought it was a negative term to deride a slightly too hippy approach where common sense has gone out of the window in favour of woo.

When you see the cases where some poor kid has died because the parents took them to a 'healer' rather than an actual doctor. That's crunchy.

Of course Tallulah but it's also about not blending every vegetable to a pulp when they are perfectly capable of eating a boiled stick of carrot. However I would not give my LO something like cottage pie on a spoon, when he has been capable of feeding himself that type of food since 6 months old. Just need damp flannels at the ready! But it's all the labels that irritate me, not the practice.

I don't have a particular problem with the approaches but I think the terminology is smug and divisive,. If you're not an "attached" parent then presumably you must be detached. If you don't baby led wean, presumably you must parent force? If you don't do unconditional parenting presumably your love for your child must be conditional? I think this is why those of us who don't follow any of these approaches wholeheartedly find them so irritating - they attribute positive attributes to their approach which we would hope we would all do with our parenting, but tend to imply that they are the only ones who can get it right.

Thanks NeedACleverNN and Zaurak

"Crunchy can also veer into anti vaxxer/homeschooling/naturopath territory"

• I will label myself an anti-cruncher then!

Goodness me; nothing changes. Winnicott and Bowlby; I studied them fifty years ago. It was called 'bonding' then.

That's exactly it diplodocus

"Baby wearing
Co-sleeping
Reusable nappies and wipes
Breast feeding for longer than a year"

Are the majority of African parents outside the UK 'crunchy' then, as most of these things are completely normal and expected there.

and you know one day your kid will be 16 and you will realise that none of this really matters AT ALL.

"If you don't baby led wean, presumably you must parent force?"

No you do adult led feeding.

"If you don't do unconditional parenting presumably your love for your child must be conditional?"

Only in your head!

"they attribute positive attributes to their approach which we would hope we would all do with our parenting"

Don't you do the same in relation to your approach?

"but tend to imply that they are the only ones who can get it right"

Where? I think you are being defensive.

The barrage of spiteful stereotyping and judgement on this thread is astonishing.