to find the buzz-phrase 'attachment parenting' and the way it's thrown around fucking annoying?!

[hearthattack]

Don't get me wrong. Attachment theory has lead to massive positive developments in the way we understand and therefore respond to infants and their mothers. I've worked with young people who have experienced truly poor attachment with care givers and seen the damage it can do. And seen kids with great attachment thrive. BUT.

'Attachment Parenting' seems to have become a pseudonym for never spending a moment physically detached from your child, meeting every single one of their demands however impracticable and never saying 'No'. I come across so many mums who call themselves 'Attachment Parents' and seem to see this label as a justification for why their nine year old still sleeps in their bed.

How many people who bandy this trendy phrase around have actually ready any of Bowlby's work from which current theories of attachment derive? Or have balanced this with Winnicott's theory of the 'good enough mother' and see how intrinsically linked they are?

Mothers don't need some Psychologies Magazine lite psychological theory to make each other feel guilty, inadequate or smug. There's enough of that going on in motherhood as it is.

I bet in 10 years or so people will look back at this trend and wonder why so many people busted their arses to achieve something so far on the pendulum swing of parenting styles.

Anyone with me?

Theroot - you don't know though do you?

Proponents of AP would argue that practices which promote strong attachments between parents and children have life long benefits, but most would accept that these would be hard to quantify at an individual level.

Not. That you are ^ever' judgemental minifingers about any parent glass houses and all that

I used slings mainly because my DD had horrible separation anxiety and given the level of sleep deprivation the whiny constant cry used to firmly press on my last nerve. She was blissfully happy when in the sling and a pita when she wasnt.

But...the local sling library used to piss me something chronic. Most of the women were lovely and normal but one of the organisers was unbearable. She was a self proclaimed 'attachment parent'/anti-vaxxer/extended breastfeeder/reusable nappy advocate and so very 'crunchy' (i agree, ridiculous term) that it almost came across as a mockery...except it wasnt. She was sneery and patronising about my parenting choices- using disposable baby wipes(!) repeatedly 'forgot' about me working full time and then.used the excuse that she never remembered because my dd was 'still so young' (11 months ffs) 'shock face' came out when i swore in front of my 7 week old (she actually moved to put her hands over my child's ears so the language couldn't 'damage' her. 0.o )
Basically I could feel my teeth grinding whenever she headed over to talk to me. Final straw was a snotty comment about me not letting my daughter 'express herself' after I stopped her from attempting to upturn a plantpot in a cafe....her son (nearly three) was punching her legs at the time because he didnt want her to talk to anyone but him. I never went back.

""If you don't baby led wean, presumably you must parent force?"

No you do adult led feeding."

Not necessarily, many people are led by their baby but don't do blw.

Ds was spoon fed but this was led by him. He decided how much he wanted to eat and if he didn't want it, it wasn't pushed. If I had waited till he put anything in his mouth himself he wouldn't have eaten till he was nearly 2.

I'm a first time mum to an eleven week old. Most advice I get is a non committal nod politely and smile.
As a wise pp said, the rest is just winging it 😄

We started on mush because ds was dropping off the weight charts. Nothing was ever pushed on him (and still isn't, we are of the 'no battles over food' mindset.) he used to crane forward with his mouth open when he wanted more and turn his head when he was done. He progressed to being passed the spoon and eating whatever was on it to picking things up and eating them.
No forcing, all responsive to and led by him. But at four months he needed to be spoon fed, because we needed to get the food into him! Now he's older he can play with it to his hearts content

I really resent these labels because they imply that there's only one way to do something and any other way is bad parenting.

Most of us just love our kids and muddle through the best we can.

I thought that with positive parenting the idea was that whilst no isn't used often, it is used when need be (in cases where they are about to do something dangerous, etc) so it teaches them to respond to no. Could have just pulled that completely out of my arse though, a previous employer explained it like that to me when she was looking it up herself!

I worked in a nursery that had a "no saying no" rule once, it was ridiculous. "Oh little johnny, we don't like it when you whack the babies round the head with a block..... oh no, you whacked baby with a block again?" A no would have worked much better in that situation and removing the fucking block given that they were sat right next to little johnny and holding the baby. never again, the amount of injuries caused by older toddlers to younger ones was ridiculous.

"Yes yes yes. There's this idea now that if you're not there every minute of every day and night you're not parenting well enough"

Where?

Who is saying this?

Or is this just you massively exaggerating and generalising apropos of nothing to make a point?

"I really resent these labels because they imply that there's only one way to do something and any other way is bad parenting. "

Not to me they don't.

I didn't know the phrase 'attachment parenting' when I had my kids and didn't read a single book or take any advice off anyone. I did a mixture of everything. I can understand what attracts people to different ways of doing things without taking them as a judgement on my parenting. If you are confident in your choices you should be able to do the same.

I took the Make-it-up-as-you-go-along approach. Or occasionally used the Get-through-each-day-as-best-as-you-can technique.

It seemed to work for us. These new fancy labels are hilarious.

Mrsjjay - I never comment on people's morals when it comes to anything to do with how babies are looked after.

What is baby led weaning? Is it what used to be called giving them finger foods?

YANBU. The details of so-called Attachment Parenting are perfectly fine IMO (breastfeeding, slings, co-sleeping, etc.) if that is how you want to raise your child and these things work for you. What irritates me is the idea that there is One True Way to raise a child, or that anyone who chooses other approaches is somehow an inferior parent. The level of smug superiority among the Sanctimommy contingent can be insufferable.

(Of course, smug superiority is not limited to so-called AP-ers.)

And I do loathe some of the language in use among the AP community. I can barely stand the word "parenting" in any context, though it seems nearly universal these days. But "baby-wearing" and "baby-led weaning" are infinitely worse.

They just sound like normal parent/child interaction to me. If we need a bloody article/book to tell us how to do that, we're all fucked really.

Well ... I grew up in an abusive home - and I know I'm not alone in that. I didn't get the hands-on training and quite a few people didn't either. Some of us need the instructional manuals and advice of others so we don't fuck up another human being.

I know I don't have kids yet, so maybe this is bollocks and I'll understand it more when I do, but personally I feel that a little less judgement all round would be great - (sisterhood and all that jazz). Some mums rely on tools they call "attachment parenting" and some don't. If you don't, can't you just shrug it off a bit? I just can't see why why you're so enraged about someone else's ideas (or being "judged" by them) if you're secure in your own?

Might be way off base though. That's why I'm on MN - to learn!

Teatowel, baby led weaning was coined by Gill Rapley who advocating not feeding a baby at all, you put food in front of the baby and the baby will eat if they want.

I'm always a bit suspicious about the Japanese bed sleeping arrangements used as an example
Of the success / normality of co sleeping in this country. (As again highlighted by s PP)
My ex bil is Japanese and I have asked him Following threads on here about the main claims I've seen and he completely disagreed with them: thatJapanese people co sleep until 7 or whatever- he said he knew no one who had done this- and that, as a result of co sleeping, SIDS so is rare the Japanese don't even have a word for it. He said that's totally untrue, they do have SIDS and so have a word for it.

So anyway. Those sorts of things bandied round as fact by attachment parents always make me wonder. He's only one person but he did at least grow up in Japanese culture

Thank you AmeliaBlue. I didn't know that. Does it work? One of my children was so uninterested in food I think left to his own devices he might of starved!!

I'm in my early 20's with a 5 year old and this about sums it up

"I took the Make-it-up-as-you-go-along approach. Or occasionally used the Get-through-each-day-as-best-as-you-can-technique"

Oh my God, the baby dropped food on the floor ? I do hope you called Social Services.

Ha ha that was me navy and white. It's just that drinking wine is much nicer than fannying around doing airplane with the spoon. Doesn't matter if they don't eat any does it?

Skiptonlass yes, this:

"And yes yes yes to ffitz above who says that lots about attachment parenting is anti feminist - the idea that you must sacrifice everything to the baby is really insidious.
To me, the high rate of mental distress in western mums is down to a toxic combination of:

Weakened family structures - no longer ten aunties around to help out.
Social isolation - I am quite socially isolated as an expat and it's very tough
Pressure to work full time outside the home and be a full time mother - having it all seems to have turned into doing it all.
Misogyny- still. You don't hear about 'working dads' do you?
And then on top of this you get slagged off for feeding your kid some mushed up banana when they're just starting to eat. A massive focus on things that don't matter while the things that do matter (support, social inclusion, affordable childcare, postnatal care* are thrown to the wind."

I think this is my main bug bear to be honest. Since becoming a mother I a staggered by how divisive and judgemental the mummy community can be. I don't really give a hoot whether breast or bottle feed, what school of weaning you went to or how you get your kid from a to b. We all do our best given the stuff we're dealt and what's best will look v different for each child and family. So to believe there is a one true way and that anything else is lazy, damaging or stupid just doesn't make logical sense.

Most of all these petty arguments between ourselves distracts us from the stuff that does matter, that almost all mothers have to contend with and that we could change if we looked up from the smugly written parenting manual we paid £12 for and stopped looking over our shoulder to check we're doing it 'right'.