to find the buzz-phrase 'attachment parenting' and the way it's thrown around fucking annoying?!

[hearthattack]

Don't get me wrong. Attachment theory has lead to massive positive developments in the way we understand and therefore respond to infants and their mothers. I've worked with young people who have experienced truly poor attachment with care givers and seen the damage it can do. And seen kids with great attachment thrive. BUT.

'Attachment Parenting' seems to have become a pseudonym for never spending a moment physically detached from your child, meeting every single one of their demands however impracticable and never saying 'No'. I come across so many mums who call themselves 'Attachment Parents' and seem to see this label as a justification for why their nine year old still sleeps in their bed.

How many people who bandy this trendy phrase around have actually ready any of Bowlby's work from which current theories of attachment derive? Or have balanced this with Winnicott's theory of the 'good enough mother' and see how intrinsically linked they are?

Mothers don't need some Psychologies Magazine lite psychological theory to make each other feel guilty, inadequate or smug. There's enough of that going on in motherhood as it is.

I bet in 10 years or so people will look back at this trend and wonder why so many people busted their arses to achieve something so far on the pendulum swing of parenting styles.

Anyone with me?

I am on baby no.2 and no-one in real life has ever mentioned attachment parenting to me. Is it really a big deal? I wonder if people really do judge parents by the standards mentioned on this thread (or is there some paranoia?).
I use a sling because I have a toddler in a pushchair.
I breastfeed because it works.
I use a mix of cloth and disposable nappies.
I dress my daughter in my son's hand-me-downs.
I sit with my kids until they fall asleep in their own beds.
I rarely use the word 'no' but am big on manners.

I only ever feel judged by my mum, who has made it clear she thinks I am far too soft on my kids...
But they are well attached, I am sure, having done some training on attachment.

Incidentally I have bought parenting manuals (read them, sighed and confined them to the shelf never to be handled again
), do a lot of what some would call attachment parenting, bottle feed, have 3 slings and give my child food to instantly throw on the floor. Not that that is relevant to my opinions.

I have been defensive and judgemental at times, usually when I doubt myself. I've got a shit load of stuff totally wrong the first, seventh or hundredth time. Like most mums surely.

I have purposely never read any form of parenting manual. I'd be interested to see which 'box' I mostly fit in to but I imagine just by title only that it would be the 'good enough' parent.

I have decided though that if DC2 comes along I will do the blw thing (if that is in fact just chucking stuff on the tray and letting them have a go) as DS (almost 3) barely eats anything that I don't spoon feed him and I do wonder if I have encouraged that or not.

Since becoming a mother I a staggered by how divisive and judgemental the mummy community can be.

And starting a thread to complain about people who do AP is helping with this... how, exactly?

I'm not complaining about people who 'do AP' (I'm one of them, to an extent. Did you read the rest of my post?), I'm complaining about the self-righteous tone of some parents who support any particular parenting style to the hilt and sneer at others for not doing so.

AP seems to be particularly in vogue at the moment, and hard liners tend to shout about positive attachment, cortisol levels and other scientific things that have been appropriated and used as a stick to beat others with.

the self-righteous tone of some parents who support any particular parenting style to the hilt and sneer at others for not doing so.

The only sneering in this thread has been about AP parents, who have been called martyrish, ridiculous, uneducated, "fucking lazy arses", parents who are condemning their teenagers to years of therapy after letting them pick their own cups as toddlers (?!), etc etc etc.

I mean, this is how you started the thread:

'Attachment Parenting' seems to have become a pseudonym for never spending a moment physically detached from your child, meeting every single one of their demands however impracticable and never saying 'No'. I come across so many mums who call themselves 'Attachment Parents' and seem to see this label as a justification for why their nine year old still sleeps in their bed.

Leaving aside the issue of why you even care where someone else's nine-year-old sleeps, you don't see how this might come across as just the slightest bit sneery about other people's parenting? Really?

Like anything teatowel it works for some not all. My youngest want interested in eating anything whether I left her to her own devices or tried spoon feeding.

53rdAndBird Yeah I get your point. Guilty. I did say that the two things sometimes get confused, not that that is what AP actually is.

Although I'm slightly suspicious of the label so therefore I'm not really sure what it is. That's part of the point. Stuff that's now regarded as AP has been about for an age, so maybe the label serves another purpose iyswim.

Is attachment parenting actually a thing though? I thought where we'd got to was AP "methods" are unnecessary for attachment in the psychological sense, and don't mean anything else in any other sense (as a few people have said its just about looking after your baby which most parents do)

Oh for goodness sake. MN can be so incredibly tiresome and ignorant when it comes to AP.

95% of these posts are just wrong. AP doesn't claim to be the only way of forming an attachment, it is not extreme, it is absolutely normal and natural and absolutely a beautiful thing for child and parent.

What you lot have a problem with is irritating people who whine on about AP in an equally ignorant way, turning it into something it isn't. Don't confuse the two or judge a perfectly valid and good parenting style based on some annoying people and a load of assumptions.

And maybe chill with the huge prejudice and judgement. The tone of this thread is pretty ignorant and aggressive.

How about instead of writing these posts you actually do a bit of reading and find out the ideas and theories behind AP. It's good stuff.

That's pretty much what I said.

here

This study is interesting:

From Science Daily:
Modern parenting may hinder brain development, research suggests
Date:
January 7, 2013
Source:
University of Notre Dame
Summary:
Social practices and cultural beliefs of modern life are preventing healthy brain and emotional development in children, according to an interdisciplinary body of research.

Social practices and cultural beliefs of modern life are preventing healthy brain and emotional development in children, according to an interdisciplinary body of research presented recently at a symposium at the University of Notre Dame.

"Life outcomes for American youth are worsening, especially in comparison to 50 years ago," says Darcia Narvaez, Notre Dame professor of psychology who specializes in moral development in children and how early life experiences can influence brain development.

"Ill-advised practices and beliefs have become commonplace in our culture, such as the use of infant formula, the isolation of infants in their own rooms or the belief that responding too quickly to a fussing baby will 'spoil' it," Narvaez says.

This new research links certain early, nurturing parenting practices the kind common in foraging hunter-gatherer societies to specific, healthy emotional outcomes in adulthood, and has many experts rethinking some of our modern, cultural child-rearing "norms."

Food for thought.

Want to add the rest of the piece, because it's really interesting that it mentions 'multiple adult caregivers' as one of the positive rearing practices in traditional cultures, which is what some people on this thread have been flagging up. Unfortunately this can't be done when people aren't living in extended families and kinship groups.

"Breast-feeding infants, responsiveness to crying, almost constant touch and having multiple adult caregivers are some of the nurturing ancestral parenting practices that are shown to positively impact the developing brain, which not only shapes personality, but also helps physical health and moral development," says Narvaez.

Studies show that responding to a baby's needs (not letting a baby "cry it out") has been shown to influence the development of conscience; positive touch affects stress reactivity, impulse control and empathy; free play in nature influences social capacities and aggression; and a set of supportive caregivers (beyond the mother alone) predicts IQ and ego resilience as well as empathy."

The United States has been on a downward trajectory on all of these care characteristics, according to Narvaez. Instead of being held, infants spend much more time in carriers, car seats and strollers than they did in the past. Only about 15 percent of mothers are breast-feeding at all by 12 months, extended families are broken up and free play allowed by parents has decreased dramatically since 1970.

Such a disgusting thread, OP. You should be ashamed at judging other parents like this.
There are many children being raised in damaging, abusive , unhealthy situations.
Thankfully most of us are bringing our children up in loving, stable environments. Whatever our flavour.
Whether AP, nursery , sling wearing, SAHM or working full time to provide a good home your attitude comes across as judgemental and sneery.
I am not with you at all OP.

"Life outcomes for American youth are worsening, especially in comparison to 50 years ago," says Darcia Narvaez, Notre Dame professor of psychology who specializes in moral development in children and how early life experiences can influence brain development."

How do you measure the life outcome of somebody growing up and living in a totally different society? How do we even know what the life outcome of our current teenagers will be like?

"Ill-advised practices and beliefs have become commonplace in our culture, such as the use of infant formula, the isolation of infants in their own rooms or the belief that responding too quickly to a fussing baby will 'spoil' it,"

Surely these were precisely the kind of ideas that were propagated by child experts 50 years ago, or even 100 years ago? (let me once more adduce Anne of Green Gables in support). How on earth can anyone present this as an idea that distinguishes our generation from that of our parents and grandparents?

pearlylum maybe I wasn't very articulate but I think you may have missed my point.

What is Ap then shivering?

hearthattack- no I was being polite. I am an AP parent, and you have a poor understanding of what that means.

minifingerz
You've admitted on previous threads that you don't come on here to offer support.
You frequently cite 'research' which anyone with an 11+ in reading could tear apart in a minute.
Earlier on in the thread you said you didn't pass moral judgements on parenting choices.
Words fail me.

I never read any parenting books and didn't know i had to follow a parrnting style in fact didn't know there were different styles.
And my PFB was only born in 2012, so not that long ago.
I basically just did what felt right and when DS was about 1.5y old I happened to read about attachment parenting and realised I've pretty much been doing that except for exclusively using the sling. I really enjoyed pushing baby around in a buggy and he was pretty happy with it too... That part in the theory confuses me -wtf is wrong with using the buggy? And how do you ever go for long walks with a heavy baby?

Anyway i had a point when i started posting this...
Basically I'm glad I didn't read before and I would recommend not reading, this way you don't feel under pressure to do something that might not feel natural to you just because it's deemed the right way.
Best to follow your instincts first, then read later if necessary

Punk - are you referring to the 'research' referred to on NHS Choices or the UNICEF Babyfriendly website? As that is the only research I've linked to in regard to baby feeding in the past on AIBU. Apart from a study from Brown University on MRI scans which as far as I understand was perfectly reputable.

You are constantly making accusations of ''stat twisting' against research which is validated by the NHS and reflected in their recommendations. Where do you get the confidence, especially since you never seem to have read any of them!

Sarah Ockwell-Smith may be a tad better than I at putting her thoughts onto words, surprise surprise!

sarahockwell-smith.com/2013/01/18/why-i-hate-attachment-parenting/

OP, your mistake here was to use the words 'buzz-phrase' and 'fucking annoying' in reference to AP. Now everyone is falling over themselves to explain how a) AP isn't a 'thing', b) AP is basically doing whatever kind of parenting you like, no pressure, c) AP places no extra burden on women: it's just normal, natural, instinctive parenting.

Wait a while. Name-change. Post threads like:

• I haven't slept more than an hour in six months. AIBU to try controlled crying with my baby?
• My 8m DS is a bottle refuser and I haven't spent an evening or whole night away since he's been born. AIBU to leave him with family members while I go away for the weekend to my best friend's wedding?
• AIBU to leave 15m DD with grandparents while DH and I go away for a fortnight's long-haul honeymoon?

Some of the judgiest, most extreme 'advice' I've seen on this site has come from self-defined APers. It's very hard to answer back to, because it comes from a mindset where total maternal sacrifice is presumed to be the proof that your children are truly loved and wanted. You'd better be dropping dead of sleep deprivation before you let them cry; if you leave them with someone else overnight, you'd better have a decent reason, like you're being hospitalised.

I understand that advice like this comes from the extreme end of the spectrum (and that posts like the ones above will get a really broad range of responses), but it's rarely just one or two posters quietly advocating AP: I've seen person after person pile on to say 'well, I could never do that; haven't you read [questionable study]' and 'the baby stage is so short: why can't you just tough it out for a few more months?'.

I'm sure there are millions of people who AP without judging others, but the vocal ones here trade on guilt and moral superiority (I have subjugated every personal need to parenthood I'm just strong like that but, hey, if you must go away for the weekend...) or describe AP in almost evangelical terms (it's beautiful; it's about nurturing, about closeness and unspoken unbreakable bonds), or as something that's the default natural option (hundreds of years ago, mothers always... in Tibet, tribe still...) that you're rejecting in favour of modern, harsher, falser approaches.

If you write something critical about AP, you're lambasted for being judgemental, or told that you simply don't understand, or have imagined the whole approach. But give an example of a parenting decision that many vocal APers would disgree with controlled crying being one of the biggest issues and see how soft and unassuming the responses are then.

I've always found detached parenting works great for me

ValerieSweet, ^^ This.