Page 7 | AIBU to want to protect my Dad's money?

Want2bSupermum · 10/06/2016 19:06

xmas When you earn a salary the work is performed while you are married therefore the proceeds are shared by the married couple. An inheritance is a gift. It isn't earned hence the high taxes placed on it. Also inheritance is for the persons named in the will and no one else. Just because you happen to be married at the time of receipt of inheritance doesn't mean you should have to share it. How unfair that you divorce and the spouse receives their inheritance post divorce and doesn't have to share it. It's too complicated to have rules that require sharing. Far easier to respect the will and allow inheritances to be segregated.

lionsleepstonight · 10/06/2016 19:10

No, I think you need to protect it. A solicitor can advise a simple way to do this. I imagine most couples, married or not, buy a house on the assumption they will stay married forever. But we know real life does not always play out like that. Protect yourself and your money. DH may raise an eye brow, but don't let that stop you. He will benefit due to the reduced repayments. I did exactly this, but my DH understood. Going forwards, if we inherit any more money we will utilise it in a way that protects it for the recipient.

TheNaze73 · 10/06/2016 19:11

I think it's royally taking the piss. If it was reversed it'd be labelled financial abuse & controlling

seven201 · 10/06/2016 19:13

I think you should get a declaration of trust. I don't know what the divorce statistics are these days but they're high!

We did one but it was when we bought our first flat and before we were married - we'd been together 3 years I think. I had saved 20k more than my now husband and he was fine with it. When we sold and moved though we didn't get a new one. Also since moving my mum died and as I result I've inherited about 80k (not all at once) which has/is being spent on life and the house. It means I can afford to go to 4 days a week after maternity leave and we've done up the house a bit. No-one in my husband's family owns anything of value so there will never be any inheritance from his side. Writing this I now think 'gosh what if we get divorced?'. I don't know what I'm trying to say any more as I've contradicted my earlier advice of protecting your money!

DoinItFine · 10/06/2016 19:13

If it was reversed it would be labelled murder and arson.

I love a good game of reverse trumps.

Want2bSupermum · 10/06/2016 19:18

naze It is rarely reversed. Also are you missing the part where the DH did not share an inheritance from his grandfather? What is good for the goose is good for the gander.

I had these horrible conversations upfront and got married in a country that recognizes prenups. When I got married I was worth a lot more than DH but he had assets of sentimental value that he also wanted to protect. Should our marriage have not worked out in the early years like hell was I going to give him or anyone else half of my assets. I've been married now for 8 years and we have 3 DC. Our finances are very different today compared to our wedding day but equitable. We also have joint accounts with 100% transparency of what we are doing with premarital assets that sit 'outside' of our marriage.

harshbuttrue1980 · 10/06/2016 19:23

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, but what is good for the goose... If you decide to not protect your assets and go down the "all money is family money" route, then I'd expect your DH to also put all his money into the family pot even if he is the higher earner, for example if you have kids and want him to support you while you drop down to part time.

If you decide "what's mine is mine", that is fair enough too - and quite prudent given today's high divorce rate. However, I think you then have to expect him to be less generous with HIS money if he ends up being the higher earner. He might then split the bills 50/50 with you and if he has more left over than you, then so be it.
I think you would be unreasonable if you thought "my money is my money, DH's money is family money" - it has to be one way or the other

Musicinthe00ssucks · 10/06/2016 19:26

I wouldn't be offended OP. I would be disgusted

RisforRavenclaw · 10/06/2016 19:30

Personally, I think YANBU. I think that when you inherit the money, it is legally not matrimonial property until it is spent on something. So until you spend it on the house, it's your inheritance and it belongs to you, not your husband. When the house is bought, that becomes matrimonial property, which belongs to both of you. I think you're smart to want to protect your inheritance but I can understand why your husband would be offended. If you can't reach an agreement, I would be tempted to save more money for the deposit from another source and leave your inheritance unspent.

Wonkydonkey44 · 10/06/2016 19:37

I think your being very sensible , i have a trust fund maturing soon that is a large sum of money I will certainly be leaving it in just my name.
I've been divorced before and people can be truly awful as far as money is concerned, go and see a solicitor xx

clarrrp · 10/06/2016 20:03

The problem is whenever I have tentatively raised the subject of protecting just that sum of money (with say, a written declaration of trust) he becomes incredibly offended and says I'm acting as though this is my property, not ours - which is not how I feel at all. I'd welcome your thoughts on this matter! AIBU?

I'm totally with you on this actually.

In fact, I personally would only match whatever my other half was putting in as a deposit and no more. But then I spend most of my days dealing with other people's divorces so....

Everyone likes to think they are a 'team' and that their marriage will last forever, and that's a really nice idea, but for almost half of all couples that's just not the reality.

dowhatnow · 10/06/2016 20:10

If you decide to not protect your assets and go down the "all money is family money" route, then I'd expect your DH to also put all his money into the family pot even if he is the higher earner, for example if you have kids and want him to support you while you drop down to part time.

Personally I'd want everything shared but if he won't then you definitely shouldn't either.
He can't have it both ways.

Bogeyface · 10/06/2016 20:13

IT really does hinge on the fact that he expects you to share your money with him, but flat our refuses to share his money with you.

If you were working from a POV of joint money coming, joint money going out then yes YWBU. But you're not, his money is his, your money is....also his, at least in part.

Thats the issue for me.

OP have you had the conversation I mentioned earlier about finances when you have a child? How ML will be funded, will he contribute to the savings, does he expect to stump up half of the childcare costs, what if you both agree for you to be a SAHM? Please please talk about this now, before you are pregnant. So many women dont and realise that with that positive pg test they became trapped with a man who keeps his money to himself and you to live on next to nothing. It happens. His answers to the questions above with give you a good indication if he is one of those men. I sincerely hope that he isnt.

clarrrp · 10/06/2016 20:24

Another option is if you contribute that to the deposit and then instead of a 50/50 mortgage split he contributes more a set number of years to offset the amount you put in and leave you both on an even keel at the end of the mortgage (or marriage in worst case scenario)

clarrrp · 10/06/2016 20:29

I'm not sure you can protect your money since you're married without a prenup but I personally don't think YABU.

inheritance isn't considered marital property so in divorce he's not entitled to it.

Bogeyface · 10/06/2016 20:34

The Op said that her father died some years ago.

If she inherited before she was married but didnt actually recieve the money until recently (Due to house sale, probate etc) then it changes things. It was hers before she married therefore thats a different legal situation than her inheriting after her marriage. I really think that legal advice would be a very good idea.

clarrrp · 10/06/2016 20:45

If she inherited before she was married but didnt actually recieve the money until recently (Due to house sale, probate etc) then it changes things. It was hers before she married therefore thats a different legal situation than her inheriting after her marriage. I really think that legal advice would be a very good idea.

Also to consider is that if the inheritance is transferred into both of their names or not.

Definitely talk through it with both your solicitor and a financial planner and explore all your options. Personally, and because I'm always cautious and suspicious about life in general, I would do this before discussing it any further or agreeing anything with your husband.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/06/2016 21:02

On the great scale of life love and trust are incredibly daft reasons to risk losing all your financial security

clarrrp · 11/06/2016 01:27

*How would feel if he put £2 on the lottery and won £100k and put it in a separate account because it was his money, you hadn't won it and he didn't care if you were married, it was his?
*

Not really the same thing at all now, is it?

OutToGetYou · 11/06/2016 01:35

Declaration of trust doesn't override the marriage contract, so it's irrelevant whether you do one or not, it wouldn't stand up in a divorce.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable, but I can understand why. One of the reasons I won't marry dp is because I have more money than him, and had a recent inheritance, and I don't want to share it with him. We have a declaration of trust, they do stand when you are not married. get divorced them do the declaration

Senpai · 11/06/2016 01:41

In a healthy marriage finances are usually "what's mine is yours". If you don't want to share, I'd start thinking about why. If you don't trust sharing the finances there's probably something deeper going on.

Kr1stina · 11/06/2016 01:46

If you live in Scotland, any inheritance is not considered a marital asset, unless you bring it into the marriage . So if you keep the money in an account or buy another property with it and rent it out, it's not brought into the marriage . But if you use it to buy a home which you live in together, the it becomes part of the marriage .

Bogeyface · 11/06/2016 02:49

If you don't want to share, I'd start thinking about why

Because he doesnt want to share. He refuses a joint account and spent his own inheritance on himself, yet he expects her to share her inheritance with him.

I wouldnt want to share my money with someone who refused to share theirs with me.

Thankfulforeveryday · 11/06/2016 04:03

I put the whole deposit down on our house because DH is shite with money We are in fact partners in common when I comes to the house for this reason, I want the money I put in to go to my daughter. It was a lot of money, my situation is slightly different in the fact that I have a terminal illness so know I will die way before him and wanted to protect what will be my daughters inheritance. My DH is free to move etc but my money is always ring fenced for her. It was hard to discuss at the time but a practical decision given that biologically DD isn't his. Do what feels right for you, you can't guarantee you'll be together forever for various reasons!

clarrrp · 11/06/2016 04:15

In a healthy marriage finances are usually "what's mine is yours". If you don't want to share, I'd start thinking about why. If you don't trust sharing the finances there's probably something deeper going on.

Actually, I'd argue the opposite for most people. Joint finances are by far and large the biggest fucking issue when couple separate - at least from our end - the bickering and nitpicking and hurt and resentment that comes from it is unreal.

We have a very healthy relationship and we don't share fiances aside from a set amount of each of our salary that goes into a joint account for paying the household bills. But we each have our own bills too - I buy a new car then I pay for that, it doesn't come out of the family money and I don't expect her to contribute. Likewise she pays her own phone bill.

Things like holidays and utilites and mortgage we split and there is always a little savings left in teh joint account for emergency, but other than that my salary is mine as hers is hers.

I would NEVER expect her to put all of her earnings into a shared pot, and likewise she would never expect me to do that either. But we both work, and I can understand how a stay at home parent may not have the luxury of independent finances, but honestly I'm always leery of this 'it's OUR money' lark because every day I see what happens when it all goes horribly wrong.