AIBU to want to protect my Dad's money?

[Dazedandconfused28]

My DH and I are in the process of buying a house - a large proportion of the deposit being inheritance from my Dad - who died when I was much younger. The money has only just been released after the sale of his property.

Whilst we are very happily married, I feel that it would be foolish not to protect this sum of money, more so because I feel like it is my Dad's. We plan to split the mortgage repayments 50/50 - and we've both saved towards the remainder of the deposit & associated costs. We don't yet have children together.

The problem is whenever I have tentatively raised the subject of protecting just that sum of money (with say, a written declaration of trust) he becomes incredibly offended and says I'm acting as though this is my property, not ours - which is not how I feel at all. I'd welcome your thoughts on this matter! AIBU?

the declaration of trust would be over-ruled by the court if there isn't enough money in the pot for both of your needs on divorce.
You are married, thats how marrage works, you share stuff.

Disney you need urgent legal advice before you marry. I am not convinced a prenup would protect you fully in the UK.

You really need expert financial guidance.

I would say you two need to sit down and run through both of your finances together and how you see them playing out over the next 5-10 years.

I do this with my partner every 6 months as I want to make sure we are both singing from the same hymn sheet in respect to how we expect to finance future major purchases (vehicles, houses, pensions, holidays etc).

This works as it makes sure we are both in tune to how much money we put towards various things in our lives, and what is important for either and both of us.

Exactly longgame and the fact Partner A had inherited money would be totally irrelevant if at the time of divorce, Partner B had a greater need, for example due to an accident which meant their future earning potential was curtailed.

Anyone with lots more money than their potential spouse should be hot footing it to get proper financial and legal advice. Once you are married, there would need to be exceptional circumstances for the joint assets to be treated as anything other than that - it happens, but if in doubt, assume that's what's mine is yours.

Can you write a post nup (as opposed to a pre nup) - so that there's something to say that should you get divorced then when the house is sold you would get your £xx inheritance amount back and the rest of the capital in the house would then be split equally (or however would be best given amounts going in to it) - noting that dh had spent his inheritance on education and this gives you a chance to keep your inheritance that your parents wanted you to have rather than for you and dh to share 50:50

You could go further and say that you only want the actual inheritance amount back rather than any percentage gain on it (assuming your property increases in value) and that you're both happy to share the gain between you (thus your dh is getting a bit of value from it, alongside obviously the benefit of having been able to buy a nicer house).

He could also protect anything that he puts into the house (and you could protect the rest of the share of your deposit that you've saved for) to be fair.

I don't think that post nups are legally binding but they do seem to be increasingly common and more likely to be taken into account. So if you put plenty of the history and reasoning for the decision, and make sure that dh is also taking his share out, and show it to be reasonable (eg you're not also demanding a share of the gain in the capital, just the original lump sum) then it's more likely to be at least taken into account should anything happen (here's hoping it's not!).

But having seen that your dh has a different attitude to his savings as to yours then I do think that you're very reasonable to want this.

My ddad died 20 years ago and I know that he would want to think that the money that he left to me that was used as a lump sum towards buying a flat and later on to move to a house, would end up with me, not split up and off to a different family should dh and I split up. And I feel exactly the same about anything that I'd leave to my dc too. yanbu to want to protect yourself, just very sensible. And if your dh doesn't want to because there's no point because you're planning on staying together forever, then actually - there's no point not to either if you're planning on staying together forever.

the you are benefiting from his inheritance. Presumably he is now earning more because of that investment. A very sensible point.
The truth we don't know what is going to happen in the future. When you get married it should be a joint venture. Sadly I have inherited from the deaths of my DM DF and DB. A huge amount of money by anyone's standards. However my DH has brought in similar by his salary. We have had unemployment, illness (in my case) etc etc. I would not dream of trying to protect sums of money I inherited and we have a joint bank account. The nub of the matter is trust.
'with all my worldly goods I thee endow'

meant to say that obviously I'm not a solicitor and you'd need to talk to them about this!

This actually happened to me but I was your DH in our scenario.

I had to sign official paperwork to say if we split that his inheritance amount would be taken out before any other assets would be divided. This was pre-marriage though and since we married it's now null and void.

But I have never forgotten how that felt. I had a 3 year old and a 2 week old and felt like I was completely disposable. We spoke at great length about it after I kicked off about it (we actually never argue so he knew it was a big deal) and he felt the same way you did about protecting his parents money. They had died within a few months of each other and neither was expected so we really were both all over the place mentally and physically.

All is fine now but please just imagine how you'd feel in his position and treat the whole situation with sensitivity.

Exactly, happypoobum (great username by the way!) and longgame.

What happens to joint assets in/at the end of a marriage may not seem 'fair' but that has absolutely no bearing legally. As has been mentioned previously, prenups/postnups/agreements etc have many caveats and exemptions and a Solicitor would advise you of this. Inheritances would not generally be classed as exceptional from a legal point of view, even if morally you class that money as yours.

Your last post raises alarm bells a little. He is happy to have a stake of your inheritance but not for you to share his. And also he doesn't want to share finances with a joint account? Why is he dead against it? Does he want you each to account for every penny spent 50/50 ? Generally speaking that doesn't work when marriage and children are involved.

"you are benefiting from his inheritance. Presumably he is now earning more because of that investment. A very sensible point."

How is the OP benefitting from her husband's inheritance? She is putting down the majority of the deposit and the remaining mortgage is going to be split 50/50. That means that she is paying the majority of the mortgage - and not benefitting one penny from his inheritance-boosted career earnings.

He, on the other hand, intends to benefit from her inheritance.

See a solicitor to see the true legal situation.

Then see another one for a second opinion, just to make sure!

Then you can take it further and make an informed decision. Its pointless talking to your husband - or anyone else - about this issue any more until you know the facts.

That means that she is paying the majority of the mortgage What happens if she can't pay any of the mortgage? What happens if she is unemployed or gets ill?

So he inherited money before you were married? Then that's his.

The money is with the solicitor? And you are now married? Then it's already classes as joint money.

Just call it a day now OP.

How would feel if he put £2 on the lottery and won £100k and put it in a separate account because it was his money, you hadn't won it and he didn't care if you were married, it was his?

I am with the shared pot money.

At different times in our lives we have brought into the family pot different money. I have earned more, then he has earned more. DH has got some good bonuses over the years, the last few years I have had some cracking sharesaves through work mature. When the time comes my parents assets will be split between 3, his between 4.

IMHO you can't start a marriage on "this is mine" unless you fully expect and accept it to continue throughout.

It is perfectly possible to have the deeds drawn up to reflect that xx is yours before any profits are split in the event of a sale - and I would.

In fact, we did, but the other way round, and I wasn't offended. It just seemed fair. It wasn't my money - it wasn't even DH money, it was his Dad's. I'd never earned it; I didn't see why I should have it just by having married his son.

We have one joint bank account, btw, and I am the higher earner. I don't for one second think anything I earn now is 'only' mine. But the inheritance was different, at least to me.

YANBU...if you're paying in more as a deposit then get legal advice on how it would be divided if it all goes pear-shaped. I'm a great believer in being optimistic and hopeful in a relationship but I'd consider it foolhardy to not protect your assets.

I feel like "inheritance" is a slightly different pot than "lottery winnings" etc. It's purely pondering though. It feels like someone else's money, that someone else being a person who cared enough about YOU to work hard/save in order to gift you something that might make YOUR life easier.

"DisneyMillie" you need to look in to some proper financial advice, prenup in the uk is useless.

derxa, well unfortunately they won't have any joint money (his insistence) and his own inheritance has already been spent on himself.

So the OP would be up the creek in that scenario. So it would be better for her to keep hold of her own money (just as her husband insists on keeping his). Right?

bangs head against keyboard

OP - your DH didn't "invest" his inheritance, he spent his inheritance - granted on something that will give you both longer term financial benefit as it means he's able to earn more now/in the future, but stop pretending that he has a bunch of shares or investments he'll get if you divorce as well as half your inheritance. He doesn't have the money and there's no asset you can take half of. It is not comparable, unless you wanted to spend your inheritance on something similar and he was telling you it had to be used on the house purchase. If he'd not spent the money but invested it, then you would be entitled to half that money on divorce.

You are married, it's a bit shitty to want to ring fence this inheritance but not other money - what if he inherits again later on? (is that likely if both his parents are alive and own property?) What if you reduce your hours/your career slows after having DCs, would you expect him to 'share' his wage with you? What if one of you were unable to work due to illness, would you view the wage of the other one as solely theirs? What if your DH's career takes off massively and rather than earning roughly the same, he's earning 10x your wage, would you think it was only fair to limit your lifestyle to what you can pay 50% of and then still pay half each? What if his numbers come up tonight on the Euromillions?!

If you are determined to protect this money, see a solicitor, but perhaps expect your DH to be offended, this is pretty offensive to suggest your money is your money, but that everything else should be shared beyond that.

happy. Have a There there.

If all money in a marriage is joint money... can a financially abused person insist on access to accounts while married? Because ironically, it seems that joint money is joint money on divorce but appears not to have to be during marriage.

Thanks Terry I needed that. Too early for ?

Yes, it's a bloody poor show that so many financially abused women have to issue divorce proceedings to get their hands on a share of the marital pot.

Goes for a lie down........