AIBU to want to protect my Dad's money?

[Dazedandconfused28]

My DH and I are in the process of buying a house - a large proportion of the deposit being inheritance from my Dad - who died when I was much younger. The money has only just been released after the sale of his property.

Whilst we are very happily married, I feel that it would be foolish not to protect this sum of money, more so because I feel like it is my Dad's. We plan to split the mortgage repayments 50/50 - and we've both saved towards the remainder of the deposit & associated costs. We don't yet have children together.

The problem is whenever I have tentatively raised the subject of protecting just that sum of money (with say, a written declaration of trust) he becomes incredibly offended and says I'm acting as though this is my property, not ours - which is not how I feel at all. I'd welcome your thoughts on this matter! AIBU?

Op, have you gone through the mortgage process yet? Because the solicitor asks who has put what in a whether you want the other to have a financial stake in that money.

Me and oh are not married and his father lent us the deposit what we had saved went on home improvements. My parents also let us money for home improvements.

Fil was quite upset when my oh didn't say he owned the deposit and I was in the mortgage (he is old school) but oh didn't care as we have two kids together and have a future.

YANBU. Your Dad left that money to you. You don't have children yet. If your relationship breaks down then DH gets half of the money your Dad intended for you.

We are in process of buying a house. I have an inheritance to use as deposit from my Dad and 3 young children with DH. He has told me to protect it for me and the children as he has other grown up children from previous relationships that would inherit 50% if I do not protect it.

I feel that, if you inherited the money before you were married (or indeed, engaged), it's yours. After engagement or marriage, it's joint.
My own father died suddenly earlier this year, and my mum inherited everything from him, but chose to give my brother & I (and our spouses, we're both married) some money from his estate. If I wasn't married, that money would be mine, but as I am, it's joint

Not unreasonable at all, in my view. I am in the same situation. Before we were married we drew up a declaration of trust, we now still keep a written record. A satisfactory situation is one where you both feel ok (ignore what other couples do/would do). Good luck I hope you can help him see your point of view or meet in the middle somehow. Don't ignore your gut feeling of wanting to protect your dad's money, or you could end up feeling resentful.

BTW if you purchase as tenants in common you can specify to whom each portion of the deposit and mortgage payments belongs.

YANBU. I'd want to ensure the safety of the inheritance also, and would ask that it's documented that, in the event of a divorce, the money is returned to you upon sale of the house before any further profit is split 50/50.

No, it's not romantic, but finances aren't. I can understand why your DH is offended but you're not saying you're going to get divorced or that it won't work out (or planning your escape), you're protecting the inheritance your dad saved for you. That inheritance, in time, can then be left to any resultant children, or your DH.

I'm not sure you can adequately protect it.If you have children and were to divorce the joint assets would be looked at to provide housing for you both.

Even if you didn't have children but a long marriage it's unlikely you can protect it.

This happened to a friend and they had 3 dc's when he had an affair, he effectively got half the house which equated to inheritance but ex pays maintenance and she has share of his pension.O very time it's likely to even out.

If your marriage is on rocky ground I think you need to not invest with him.If not I think you need to lose the 'its mine' mentality as it shows you are thinking as a single person.

You can protect your inheritance in a divorce, my mother did. Maybe it depends what part of the U.K. You're in.

Of course you can but it cannot be done retrospectively.

I wouldn't be offended.

Ask him, if you split, does he think he should have half of your Dad's money?

If the ansewer is 'yes' then you have bigger problems.

If the answer is 'no' then he should have no issues with you protecting that sum from your Dad.

If you really are happily married, you can't do that.

I have also inherited money. It went into the joint account straight away and is paying off renovations etc. I never once thought of it as "mine ". Once my DHs parents die he will inherit too and the same thing will happen.

The money has been spent now anyway. What you are saying to your husband is that if you were to split up, you would want that sum back. That's a pretty full on thing to say tbh.

And if you were to just want to move to a different house later on, does that mean you'd pocket your dad's amount and put it into your own account? What do you mean by "protecting it" when it's already.been spent???

How much are we talking about??

I don't think you're being unreasnoble- each to their own. I'm in a similar position with DH but it's slightly 'cleaner' because we've put 50/50 deposit into our home and pay 50/50 on the mortgage each. He has another home which he rents out that is 100% his.

I would probably fight him for it though, if, for example, I become a SAHM for 10 years and then he divorced me.

If you have DC, how will you split the financial commitments to the house? If you take the parental leave, your DH would presumably be solely responsible for the mortgage repayments. It's worth thinking about these things now.

Hmm. Friend of mine had her husband leave her after she had inherited but before he did. In the divorce her inheritance was treated as family money and split, his will of course all go to him.

But, you're married. Everything I have I give to you. I think it's all part of the risk you take on the basis that you don't plan for a break up, otherwise why marry.

Thank you for your responses - this is very helpful, and I appreciate the advice.
To be honest - half the problem comes from me not even feeling that this money is my own, having not earned it myself. Any monies earned during our relationship I see as jointly ours.
It wouldn't be sensible for me to invest the money in anything else - we need a home, and I want to continue to save in order to be able to afford to take time off for maternity if we are able to have children. My DH inherited money from his grandparents some time ago (a smaller sum) - and invested it for himself - I wouldn't presume to have a share in that money - but that was earlier in our relationship.
It's interesting, because I suggested to DH we have a joint current account recently - particularly as we plan to start a family & I'm not sure how it will work otherwise...and he was dead against this - which was what made me question whether we should consider our finances separately in the first place.

I'd be offended too. Your dad gave you the money and you decided to marry this man. If he was the one with a chunk of inheritance would you be so happy to say he could block that off as personal money? You are married, you are both equally entitled to marital assets, or did you not understand what marriage is??

From your last post it seems that what's your Husbands is his..... but what's yours is both of yours?

He inherited some money earlier... and did what he wanted with it, and doesn't want to have a joint account?

I'd seriously ensure that it was protected if you split - Have you asked him why it's one rule for him and seemingly another rule for you?

"To be honest - half the problem comes from me not even feeling that this money is my own, having not earned it myself."

That attitude is fairly unhelpful actually. You need to start separating the money from the emotional side of things. Don't allow your father's inheritance to do harm to your relationship, that defeats the purpose of it. Use it to contribute to your family's happiness and security.

Being happily married does not negate fiscal prudence.
YANBU OP. As a previous PP has said, a declaration of trust is the way to go. It's not about how much you love your DH, it's about respecting and protecting the hard work the went in to earning that inheritance by the person who gave it to you.

"My DH inherited money from his grandparents some time ago (a smaller sum) - and invested it for himself..."

"I suggested to DH we have a joint current account recently - particularly as we plan to start a family & I'm not sure how it will work otherwise...and he was dead against this -"

Those two things are utterly at odds with him not wanting you to protect your inheritance from your father.

He wants to keep his money separate from you and to keep your money joint. Have a think about that.

But OP you DO have a share in that money he inherited. You have half a share of any that is left and any that has grown from those investments.

Well if you were suggesting you have one account - a joint one - then I wouldn't be keen either. We have 2 current accounts and a joint one. That way we have money for mutual things like bills and the house, but also the privacy for frivolous Amazon purchases.

Ooh, I sympathise, though I sympathise with your DH too and if you are married it’s really joint money. Is there some other way to manage things? Do you have to use it for the house deposit, or could you both keep it aside until you (say) take a drop in income to care for kids? In the longer term it will probably come out evens one way or another, but at the moment everything else is very equal so maybe it feels a bit as if your extra contribution to the deposit isn’t being recognised.

Hmm, ok. So he wants his money separate to yours but doesn't see how you might want to keep your inheritance separate from the joint funds for the house?

Er no. One of the other, not both.

If it were me, I'd have an account for bills, one for my own money, and a clause written up by the conveyancing solicitor ringfencing the inheritance.

Were you married when he inherited?

But you would be entitled to his gp's inheritance. He can't just invest it for himself if you are married.
If he gets half your deposit, you get half his investment.