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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to protect my Dad's money?

203 replies

Dazedandconfused28 · 10/06/2016 13:12

My DH and I are in the process of buying a house - a large proportion of the deposit being inheritance from my Dad - who died when I was much younger. The money has only just been released after the sale of his property.

Whilst we are very happily married, I feel that it would be foolish not to protect this sum of money, more so because I feel like it is my Dad's. We plan to split the mortgage repayments 50/50 - and we've both saved towards the remainder of the deposit & associated costs. We don't yet have children together.

The problem is whenever I have tentatively raised the subject of protecting just that sum of money (with say, a written declaration of trust) he becomes incredibly offended and says I'm acting as though this is my property, not ours - which is not how I feel at all. I'd welcome your thoughts on this matter! AIBU?

OP posts:
Kerberos · 10/06/2016 13:49

YANBU at all in my unmarried never will be married opinion. Yes it's your family home but you should have an agreement in place over what you've put in.

amidawish · 10/06/2016 13:50

i'd be looking into your attitudes to your finances as a family before reducing my earning power/going on maternity leave if i were you.

why doesn't he want a joint account?
why does he have "his" investments?

i was very ready to say YABU when i read the OP, i couldn't imagine even thinking like that with my dh, but your attitude to family/joint finances is very different to how me & dh operate.

LittleMissMarker · 10/06/2016 13:51

(sorry for the xpost, I didn't see what you said about DH's inheritance and the separate accounts. Has he put that money into the house now or is he still keeping it to himself? Sounds like he's being a bit cheeky!)

TooMuchMNTime · 10/06/2016 13:51

I totally understand wanting separate money but that's why I don't want to get married. My money has to stay mine. I'm a bit cinfused that you married with the same mindset. That's not how marriage works.

Allalonenow · 10/06/2016 13:52

YANBU
You need to speak to a solicitor about how you could protect your inheritance, the regime under which you purchase your property may well help you.

Hearts and flowers are all very well, but years in the future when you have possibly given up your career to care for children, been unable to build your own savings or pension fund, and are faced with divorce, that inheritance money could be life line for you.

RaeSkywalker · 10/06/2016 13:53

Bemused by his attitude- he can't ring fence 'his' money but then kick off of you suggest protecting 'yours'.

ThreeLeggedCat · 10/06/2016 13:53

We have a declaration of trust. My DH put in 90% of the deposit and I put in 10% - and his was a lot of money - think 180k. So we have protected that by the DoT. Should we split up (and we dont' intend to!) everything is joint and will be split as such EXCEPT the money that each of us put into the house deposit. I think this is fair and don't have an issue with it. As we are in it for the long haul, it hopefully will never be relevant.

molyholy · 10/06/2016 13:54

I thought you wbu at first, but after you last post regarding his inheritance and not wanting joint finances, I think you would be daft not to get something in place to reflect your input.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 10/06/2016 13:54

Earlier this year I inherited a sum from my grandmother. It was spent on stuff to benefit both DH and I. I never considered it as just my money just like when DH got something from his mum, he never considered it as just his.

I think that if you're married it's joint money.

picklypopcorn · 10/06/2016 13:55

We have a similar arrangement in that out £20k deposit on our house was all mine. DP or his family didn't contribute to it.

When we got the mortgage I was keen to protect the initial investment because we're not married, so on our mortgage our ownership rights are "First £20k from the sale goes to Pickly, the further funds are split 50/50". We're both happy with that :)

pandaskitchen · 10/06/2016 13:57

You are not totally AIBU and I can understand your thinking, when we first bought our house DP was gifted (long story) a lump sum which he used as a deposit, we then had a deed of trust drawn up how things would be split if it didn't work out.

We had not been together that long, not married and it was his family money. I felt comfort knowing that if anything did happen then we could unpick it quite cleanly & his family money was protected.

Many many years down the line, (still not married) and if in the same position we would not have a deed drawn up. The lines have blurred and everything is in one big pot, and money & investments everywhere. Our Wills name each other etc. Which I guess is how your DH feels.

I would recommend speaking to a Solicitor.

branofthemist · 10/06/2016 13:57

He can't just invest it for himself if you are married.

The op says it was earlier in their relationship. If they were just saying, I can see why he kept that to himself, but now expects this would be shared.

Where is the money op? Isn't it already half his since you are married? Or is it in trust?

Floggingmolly · 10/06/2016 13:58

Just buy the house yourself and charge him rent Hmm
What happens if you have children? Do you expect him to keep his salary to himself because you haven't "earned" any of it and make you live on your Maternity benefits only while you're on leave?? If not, what's so different?

AmiesArmy · 10/06/2016 13:59

YANBU: if you protect the money and remain happily married for ever and ever it's not going to be an issue as you are both benefiting from the deposit. The money will only become an issue if you split up, and in that case your DF intended the money for your benefit (not to benefit any future other family your DP might have).

Ionacat · 10/06/2016 14:02

I came into a large inheritance after my Mum and Dad died close together. I was asked my the solicitor who administered the estate and sorted out our wills if I wanted to protect the money. The answer was no instantly. We've used that money to improve our quality of family life, we've paid off most of the mortgage, new car, lovely family holiday and it has enabled me to work part time instead of full time. I consider our family to be a team and although I'd pay it all back in an instance to have Mum and Dad back, to me our finances are joint. When the subject came up my husband did say it was up to me, but we've been married for 12 years at that point and the money has benefited us as a family. If something happened to me then it means that OH, my DD and DC on way would be comfortable financially as if we were to divorce (hopefully not) but both of us would have enough for a deposit on a reasonable house without struggling which gives us and DC security.

evileyes · 10/06/2016 14:02

I have had the same situation in reverse, inheritance my husband received paid off our mortgage in full and also for the extensive renovations we've had done on it. In your scenario I'd be left with nothing if we divorced which obviously I would feel was very wrong. YABU.

mimsnet · 10/06/2016 14:03

Hi Dazed,

I have some experience of this. I agree that morally, it's your Dad's money and, naturally, you feel cautious over it. I'd feel the same!

However, from a legal standpoint, it would be seen as a joint "gift" and liable to be split 50/50 in the event of a breakup. Obviously, that ratio is only a starting point.

So, what you need to ask yourself is 1) Do I like the house? and 2) Do I want to share this house with someone? As you're buying the house and married, the answer seems pretty clear to me Wink

Or, you can invest the money elsewhere and buy a house without it - sadly, though, it would still be seen as joint money to be split between you, so my feeling would be to use it for the house unless it's going to cause any difficulties.

...I've never been so serious on Mumsnet Confused Hope this helps, Dazed Smile Flowers

Want2bSupermum · 10/06/2016 14:03

I married in the US and have a prenup. DH was not happy at first but was thrilled when I pointed out he could protect any future inheritance, such as his parents summer house.

Anyhow, you are in the UK and didn't have the documentation in place before you married. You need to talk about your finances now. There is absolutely no way I would ever accept anything other than a joint account. You also need to have a talk about your future plans. I bet he expects you to be the SAHP..... Tread carefully and never give up your financial freedom with someone like this. I love my DH but he sounds exactly the same as your DH. Our marriage would be very different if I didn't work and not one that is acceptable to me.

The only accounts DH and I have that are not joint are ones which operate to keep money from assets owned before marriage segregated from money earned during our marriage. Everything else is joint including accounts in the UK and Denmark (we still live in the US).

Floggingmolly · 10/06/2016 14:06

How nice of him to be "thrilled" and tell you about it, supermum Confused

londonrach · 10/06/2016 14:06

If you married that ship has sailed re protecting that money. Its joint money. The fact you asking this means you suspect your marriage will end or you dont view your dh long term. In which case maybe re think the buying the house.

whattodowiththepoo · 10/06/2016 14:07

I think Yabu
Normally I'm all for separate assets but since you inherited it during the marriage I would say it is an asset of the marriage.

Maybe you should have waited to get married until you had inherited and ring fenced it or not got married.

MaidOfStars · 10/06/2016 14:07

I'm with the minority here. My husband and I have a small pot of joint finances, but the vast majority is our own, to spend as we wish, with no consultation required from either side.

We are currently pulling together a deposit for a house. His savings are three times higher than mine. Consequently, he will have a larger share of the house (however that works). On the flip side, and very bad taste on here, but I stand to perhaps inherit from my parents at some point, while he won't. We have already discussed that this will be considered my share, should it be used to pay a mortgage.

Romantic, it is not.

VestalVirgin · 10/06/2016 14:07

There is no way I would put such money in a joint pot when you don't even have children yet.

What if you become a stay at home mother? That can happen without you planning to, just because of circumstances. Happens to a lot of women.

Clearly, your reasons for this are mostly sentimental, nothing to do with any distrust ... and that's why your husbands reaction makes me suspicious.

peachpudding · 10/06/2016 14:08

So he previously had an inheritance but invested it for himself. You say "I wouldn't presume to have a share in that money" but it doesn't sound like he has asked you to sign something protecting that investment? Perhaps there is something in the back of your mind that feels he is only your first DH?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/06/2016 14:08

Why do lots of people suggest prenups?

As far as I'm aware in the UK whilst showing intention they are not legally binding