AIBU to want to protect my Dad's money?

[Dazedandconfused28]

My DH and I are in the process of buying a house - a large proportion of the deposit being inheritance from my Dad - who died when I was much younger. The money has only just been released after the sale of his property.

Whilst we are very happily married, I feel that it would be foolish not to protect this sum of money, more so because I feel like it is my Dad's. We plan to split the mortgage repayments 50/50 - and we've both saved towards the remainder of the deposit & associated costs. We don't yet have children together.

The problem is whenever I have tentatively raised the subject of protecting just that sum of money (with say, a written declaration of trust) he becomes incredibly offended and says I'm acting as though this is my property, not ours - which is not how I feel at all. I'd welcome your thoughts on this matter! AIBU?

Oh, just seen your points about no joint account and his investments.

Clearly, he is determined to hang on to what he sees as "his" money, while trying to pressure you with emotional blackmail by becoming "incredibly offended" when you mention protecting your own money.

This doesn't bode well for a generous financial future for you, with him in control of the money. Even more reason to protect your inheritance, even if you are happily married at the moment.

All of the women on these boards struggling to survive because they have been abandoned by husbands, at some point thought that they were happily married.

You also need to have a talk about your future plans. I bet he expects you to be the SAHP..... Tread carefully and never give up your financial freedom with someone like this.

This.

I'm with AllAloneNow.

It's not necessarily going to be considered a joint asset in the event of a divorce. It's just that trying to protect it as yours isn't conclusive because the court can go behind any such agreement to order a fair division of assets.

I don't see any reason at all why couples who are married should share all of their money and assets, particularly when there are no children. It's a personal choice for each couple. Marriage is about much more than that. However, I think you and your DH need to have a serious talk about how you see your assets and income being divided in the future. You can't protect your money but to share equally in his when you take maternity leave (not that you are actually suggesting that). Similarly, if he earns more and contributes more then it seems very unfair to protect your assets but expect to share in his income equally.

Personally I am financially independent and would not expect a share in any of the assets owned or inherited by my DP before we got together (or inherited now when it is his bereavement). It's also sensible for us because there are children from previous relationships. I have insurance to protect me if I am ill and can't earn. Having said that, if our position changed and either one of us couldn't work then our financial arrangement would inevitably change again because I wouldn't think twice about supporting him if he needed it (and vice versa). Just because I want to be in charge of my own finances and maintain my independence doesn't mean I love or trust him any less!

Though I agree with a PP that the law relating to marital assets is a strong part of the reason why I am not married..

I am trying to be realistic having seen other friends get their fingers burned so to speak - and I'm hopeful we will be happily married for years and year without this ever becoming an issue! Although I agree that this probably isn't in the spirit of our marriage vows - hence me questioning myself.
The money is currently sitting in a savings account waiting to be paid to our solicitors.
The money he inherited early in our relationship was spent on him pursuing further education (slightly later in life).
TBH I don't think we will get a declaration of trust, but I am worrying I will live to regret this, whilst we are very happy, none of my friends foresaw the ends of their relationships.

You're latest post puts a different slant on things. He can't have it both ways.

I think you need to put aside the inheritance for now, and have a frank discussion with him about how you and he handle finances, including if/when children come along and you need maternity leave, how you would handle money if you both agree to one of you being a SAHP etc. Whether you have joint savings (in a joint account), pay bills 50/50 or by percentage of your income. Different 'models' work for different families, but he seems to want to have his cake and eat it!

Only when you have agreed to how finances are managed within your family would I put the inheritance on the table.

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the you are benefiting from his inheritance. Presumably he is now earning more because of that investment.

YANBU at all. I cannot stress enough the importance of protecting that money.

Why should he be offended? It's not his, he'll be getting the benefit of it while you are together and surely he's planning on being with you for ever so what difference does a signed piece of paper make? I certainly wouldn't be upset if I was asked.

Bitter experience here, can you tell?

Everything was great in our relationship. He got really offended when I asked to protect my inheritance that I used as a deposit for our house. He promised me we would never end (ha ha) but if we did that every penny would come back to me. The way I saw it, putting it all into the house we were both benefitting.

I naively trusted him, sure enough the relationship ended and he took half. I tried to fight it but without anything legal he was able to take half.

It still upsets me to this day because that money was for my future. (Approx £70k) He promised me he wouldn't take it and I stupidly believed him.

He was the good guy, never horrible, was gentle and kind. When relationships end people can become very different. His transformation was shocking.

I will never trust anyone when it comes to money. Especially when there is an OW on the scene with pound signs in her eyes.

Please OP his opinion on your joint finances is a massive warning sign. Don't put yourself through what I had to if your marriage does end one day. Especially as people have said above, if you give up a career, pension etc to care for children. You'll need it to start again.

This is all very interesting. So is it the case that once a person is married then all the money they inherit/earn/are given belongs to them both?

We are thinking of downsizing at some point and giving large lump sum deposits to our children. Realistically we should do this before they get married then? I would hate to see a hypothetical cheating son/daughter in law benefit from our hard work.

The simple way to sort this out is to consider the future. You may be happily married NOW but say, in the future you split up, Are you happy to split the proceeds of the house sale completely 50/50 even if you are stuck at home, caring for kids etc? Would your dad be ok with that? would your husband be ok with that?

Personally I would protect it. Sure, you can be happy now but that is no guarantee that you will be happy forever or that you will want your husband swanning off into the sunset with half of YOUR inheritance. You would be CRAZY to not protect it. Women the world over are screwed by men on a daily basis. We get paid less, do most of the child rearing, give up our careers..... protect yourself and your future DCs.

I am very sure he would feel differently if it was his inheritance. And it's not like he isn't going to benefit from the reduced mortgage etc.You are simply going to be protecting your initial deposit in case of separation down the line. Could you imagine how you would feel if he cheated and then got half of your inheritance for his new partner, future kids and their home? If you are ok with that then don't protect it .

They could still lose it if they marry afterwards. It appears that you can take steps to prevent this just before you marry but I don't know the ins and outs. Presumably if it was water tight people would just do this rather than have prenups?

I'm not sure on this, I think it depends on the amount. My dad paid the deposit on our house and in the event of a split with my dh I wouldn't dream of wanting it back, it was only £10k and my dad is still alive. If it was a much larger amount and was in fact possibly the only inhritance I might ever get, i think I would feel differently about it and would probably want to protect it ! We will be in the position to elp our kids with house deposits when the time comes, but it does worry me that as it is likely to become a significant sum, it could be that my kids future partners could after a few years , in the event of a split, walk away with money that we set aside for our kids. It is a tough one.

As others have suggested I would ask him to either match the amount you are putting in or only put in the same amount as he is if he cannot match yours.

YANBU to think Long term and protect what should be your money. Who knows what the future holds for either of you. I don't see inheritance money as equal. It is left to you, if it was left to both of you then that would be different, but I'm sure your dad didn't save all those years to give it away to your dh.

Can you tell i'm the child of divorced parents and have been through this many times with both of them, they both love dp, but have been quite clear that any money is has been for me and my ds and any future children first and foremost. And if im honest Id want my ds to do the same. I wouldn't want his inheritance to go to him and his wife, then for them to split and she walks away with half of the money I've left to him. I feel really weird when I hear their dp has inherited some money and they are planning on spending it for them.

Dazed Speak to the solicitor about what your options are to protect that money. I have a good friend who has never collected her inheritance from her parents because she plans to divorce her DH once her youngest leaves university. The money sits in an investment account under the ownership of her parents estate and will be paid out after she divorces or to her DC. It is a huge amount of money and her DH is a prized dick with a drug addiction. Personally I would have LTB already if I were her but she has decided, for reasons only known to her, that she is going to stick it out.

You just need to have a firm conversation now about your finances. It is very common for this area to just not be talked about during the early years of a relationship. In reality, my experience has been that financial intimacy is the most important aspect of a marriage that lasts. Right now you have power to make some changes. When you are a SAHP with no income you end up feeling powerless and you are very vulnerable at that point if your OH is a shit and takes advantage of the situation (which sadly so many do).

Interesting. So the mumsnet orthodoxy is always to get married, rather than shack up, in order to protect yourself financially. But clearly if you are a woman with more money than her future spouse, you would do better staying shacked up.

I speak here as someone who has lived with her DP for 25 years. Everything we have has been legally put into our names 50/50 including a large inheritance DP threw into the pot. However we are knocking on now and thinking of getting married for inheritance tax purposes (we are such old romantics).

We plan to split the mortgage repayments 50/50

You are talking about saving for maternity...

He doesn't want a joint account...

He spent his own inheritance on himself...

Who earns more? If you have children will he support you during pregnancy and the first few months? Do you plan on being a SAHP (or does he)? Do you pay into pensions and are they the same or different?

You ( and some other posters) don't seem to fully understand the financial implications of marriage.

If you were already married when you inherited that money (and when he inherited earlier) then the second it hit your accounts, it became a part of the marital pot.

As he has used his for FE, the only way you would appreciate a share of this if you divorced would be by being able to benefit from any positive financial impact of a qualification he gained/better job.

You can put the money in any old account/property you like, it will still be part of the marital pot. It wouldn't necessarily get split 50/50 in the event of a divorce as any judge would look at each partners needs at that time.

It's not a question of whether or not you would be reasonable to do this. You actually cannot.

The fact that he is dead set against sharing with you but expects you to share with him, bothers me.

Have you had a discussion about how finaces will work when you are on maternity leave? How will the bills be covered? Will he be contributing to the savings to cover that period or is he expecting you to do that on your own? What about childcare costs, who will pay those?

You need to have this conversation NOW, before you get pg and before you buy the house. Better to find out now if you are living with someone who has no intention of supporting you or a child if you need him to.

Wouldn't the DH be able to make a later claim on that money, supermum, as it effectively became hers during the marriage? In the same way some people get a share (or potential share) of their spouses pension, even though neither of them have actually reached pensionable age at the time of the split?

My dh is set to inherit quite a large sum of money soon. I doubt he will give me half but we are a partnership and whatever he chooses to do with it will be to the benefit of the family, I guess most of it will be used to help our kids through Uni or with deposits for houses. I do see it as his money though not mine. He has said he will pay off our small mortgage though which will free up a lot more of my wages fo other things. I think this is fair as without my parents paying our initial housing deposit we would probably still be renting, and also I paid the whole deposit for our first house abroad from my life savings and lost the lot when house prices fell , wheras he put nothing in! Financial good times should be shared as well as the bad.

When I bought a place with DH (who was DP at the time, about 3 years before we married) I made sure we did this for the deposit which he had paid (I only had enough savings to cover costs).

It wasn't my money so I didn't want a 50% share of it. We had a trust deed which showed he owned more than 50% of the house to cover the value of the deposit he had put down. If he expressed the same about his inheritance now I wouldn't have an issue. It's not like I want the whole house in just my name. The money would be his windfall, not something that has been earned by way of joint household finances. [I'm not a child of divorce but see it this way].

I side with your DH as well. I'd be thoroughly offended.

I had an inheritance from my grandfather that materialised decades after his passing (once the inital executor was prosecuted). When I recieved it, it was not 'my grandfather's money', it belonged to me/my family.

If you wanted to 'protect' your father's money, perhaps using it conditionally as part if the down payment was unwise.

I'm not sure you can protect your money since you're married without a prenup but I personally don't think YABU.

Im struggling with this myself at the moment. I'm due to marry DP this year but have several hundred thousand more than him in cash / equity and I'm torn between feeling I should put my all into the marriage and wanting to protect "my money" with a prenup for my DD (who is not his) should anything happen.