Are you serious i am 15 years old!!!!!

[Ohmygodareyouserious]

As the title would suggest my daughter is 15 and in year 10 (4th year old school). I take her I phone off her at 9pm every night (wind down time), she has a 10pm bed time (although with her faffing always more like 10.30) and a curfew when she goes out at the weekend. Last night she exploded, apparently I am the ONLY mother of, not only all of her friends, but the whole of her school, that thinks it is reasonable to treat a 15 year old this way!! She is old enough to regulate her own bedtime, curfew and internet use apparently and everyone else's parents that she speaks to think that I am crazy. I do know that all of her friends are allowed their phones all night as hers is constantly lighting up whenever I go into the kitchen (sometimes at gone midnight) which to me means they are obviously not regulating their use. AIBU? Please tell me that I am not the only one, I am beginning to feel as though she is hard done too.

Parent of a DD who is 15 in 2 weeks, also have a 16 y/o.

I would regulate the time she comes in at night, that sounds sensible OP.

Otherwise, no, I trust both my DC to be sensible with their bedtime and their devices. They are both A* students, with a sensible attitude to work and socialising. They are both asleep by 10, maybe 10.30pm. They regulate themselves. I suspect if they stayed up till 2am on their phones, they wouldn't be in a hurry to do it again, having suffered the consequences of being knackered!

That's the key word for me, trust. I make it very clear that I trust them to do the right thing and make the sensible decisions themselves. I don't nag about homework or revising or anything really, other than an occasional rant about the state of bedrooms

We all parent differently though, and all our children are different. So, your house, your rules.

I still regulate night time phone use and bedtimes, at this age they still need a good night's sleep. I still need a good night's sleep at 40!

They always feel like they are the only ones still with rules, but it's not ture.

Some of DD's friends are still messaging late at night, I see the phone light up, but they are not my children. I doubt all of the mums know they are doing it and I know some just cave for an easy life (it's hard to argue with a teen).

I think at 15 she is old enough to regulate her own bedtimes but a time for getting home should be in force.

I don't believe the parent on this who said no electronic devices after 8pm can have a teenager. My Y10 is still 14, but most of his homework involves using the school intranet and resources. He doesn't really have a bedtime though I make sure he is bed before me. Often this is 11.30 or later though as he is very busy with after school commitments so by the time he's faffed about, eaten, practised his instruments, messaged his friends and done his homework it's often very late.

There's a lot of evidence about the need for everyone - kids and adults - to give themselves downtime before sleep and not having 'blue light' in the bedroom. Blue light normally comes from TVs and devices, so you're doing the right thing in taking it away.

My normal response to my much younger child's "EVERYONE ELSE DOES IT/IS ALLOWED IT" is to say "oh well". Nothing more.

Does your daughter wake up early or do you need to wake her each day? If you are waking her, I would take that as some evidence that she needs that much sleep.

And what I might do is try to have a reasonable discussion at a completely different part of the day, not when it's actually being the big thing. So maybe over the weekend you could ask her what she thinks would be 'fair' or acceptable, and what she really thinks of her friends being able to 'do what they like' - does she think that's freedom or a lack of actual care? Does she really want total free rein or just a bit longer each evening? Does she generally understand your rules or does she think you're being mean? Be open and see if you can negotiate something for weekends or holidays that you both agree with.

I was a bit surprised by this. I always encouraged my sons to responsibly "self regulate" and never imposed any rules on bedtimes, phones etc. They need to be able to do this well before they are 18 so that when they do leave home they have learned what works and what doesn't when you have a heavy academic or work schedule to stick to.

flighty makes a great point. For me, they need you more in some ways at this age than when they are little. I would far rather have an open and honest discussion, two ways, about what matters and a really positive relationship with the DC. Perhaps a compromise on something, so it feels a mature, two way process. Keeps the relationship from becoming negative and resentful?

I onder if a bit of compromise might be in order here?

I don't think your rules are excessive, but a bit of relaxing might help all round? Maybe make it 10pm to give up her phone, and push bedtime back to 10.30 (thus she'll actually be in bed at 11!). See how she does with that, and if she behaves, review in a few months and maybe allow her to set her own bedtime and hand phone over at that point?

At a guide sleepover the biggest issue by far was that we wouldn't let them fall asleep with their phones. We had relaxed usual rules to allow them some time on their phones before bed, but insisted on collecting them up at bedtime (gone midnight so hardly early). I was horrified that several girls snuck up and took them back so I then had to keep them in with the leaders. These are 12 year olds.

Yanbu at all! She needs her sleep and proper downtime which doesn't include constant beeping

*wonder, not onder!

I agree with your DD. It really sounds like you're babying her a bit.

I've not had bedtimes for my DC since they started Secondary school. Nor did my mother for me. I chose to be in bed by a reasonable time just as my DD at 13 will take herself off at 9-9.30 because she knows she'll be tired otherwise. Same with DS now 16. They have also decided for themselves to leave devices downstairs during revision to avoid distraction, and to turn them off completely at night. Had I made the rules, then do doubt there would have been stomping about, but by trusting them to make these decisions for themselves they actually go to bed earlier and ration screen time more than I would have done.

And Constance too, good point.

DS has probably gamed too much over his revision period for GCSE's. But he's also worked hard too. If he doesn't know by now how much work is required to achieve the grades he wants, or doesn't put the effort in, his call. Me nagging him won't change that

Good luck OP

I think 9pm is good. It's well documented that screen time right before bed isn't a good idea and your DD will be doing GCSE's soon. I also don't think a 10pm bedtime is bad.

I don't have teens yet but I will have similar rules. I don't think electronics in bedrooms is a good idea. Me and DH don't have any either.

This is a tough one. I had my own laptop by 14 so was often on MSN (which isn't even around anymore!) until whenever. I didn't have a bedtime I just don't think you need to be at that age. You've got to make your own desicions on certain things when growing up and I think that us one one them by teenage years. I wasn't stupid though, sometimes I was in bed by 9:30 other times midnight it just depends on what clubs I had going on and how much homework or downtime I wanted. If you know she will be on her phone a lot of the night then fair enough take it off her. My mum didn't take mine from me and it's done me no harm.

Well I have tried to let dc1 selff regulate. I beleive this is the best way to do things.
However, I have learnt that, at that age, they aren't always ABLE to self regulate and still need a lot of ermmm GUIDANCE.

Some rules are just there for everyone in our house. NO electronic devices upstairs at any time in the day or night. That's it. It goes for dc1 and for us the adults.
Going to bed is 10.00pm the latest probably because DH and me are in bed by 10.00pm, sometimes earlier.

Generally, he loves his outside of school activities too much to be happy being tired when he does them so he has learnt to self regulate for that. Plus this is something we have encouraged for a very long time (eg telling them if they are tired, they need to sleep so to encourage them to go to bed early if needed. They've learnt that for a while now)
He can NOT self regulate re Internet and electronic devices so that's one area where we DO intervene and put boundaries. Dc1 is well known for putting electronic stuff well before anything else, incl school work or anything else really, so yes it is closely monitored. I have been told for a while that I am a pain. I also have been told that I am making him stand out and be teased for that.But the effect on him is so mark that I won't buldge until he ca prove he can indeed self regulate better.

YANBU.

Dd is 15 in oct & has little self regulating control (asd). She has similar rules - in fact she has an android phone with Norton family installed which disables the phone at 9pm on weekdays.

The children who board at her school have to hand in phones 15 mins before bedtime which is 9.30pm for year 9 & 10pm for years 10-11.

It's easier said than done (as even I know although mine are 5 and 7) but I think it doesn't matter what the other parents do, what matters is what is good for your daughter.

Frankly sometimes I wish someone would take my devices off me and send me to bed at a reasonable hour :) so it is hardly surprising that teenagers benefit from this bit of extra self-care on their behalf.

I have a 15 year old son

His computer time is limited - we agreed 2 hours a night- and he gives us the computer at 9.30pm. He rarely argues about this.

Except for Friday and Saturday nights he goes "to bed" by 10.30pm

Btw, I fully agree aboout talking of the effect of the lack of sleep, influence of the blue light before bed etc...

I have found though that, if I say that, it's brushed aside and ignored. If someone else says so, then it is more likely to be listened to.

Another thing that seem to work is remind him of the relationship between things.
So it can go something like this:
'Well it's upp to you when you stop playing but you need to think. What is more important? Your game on the console or doing your homework? Do you think playing will help you getting the grades you want for your test?'
That often leads to a very grumpy child that gets on with things and stops playing on the console.

However, I can also easily see how a teenager would see being able to be on snapchat/Instagram/whatsapp until 2.00am as more important because it allows them to be part of 'that' group. And fitting in is one of the most important thing for teenagers, esp at that age.

Why does your 15 year old have a set bedtime? Bizarre. At 15 I was allowed to do basically what I wanted.

At 10 she did not have a phone, I only relented on that one when she went to high school and her bed tinme was 9pm. Like I say I am not overly strict with the bedtime which usually ends up at 10.30. She has no restrictions at weekends or holidays (that said I will stick my head in if its gone midnight as say "phone off now please".

She is one year away from being able to leave school and get a job, I think you're treating her like she is still at primary school.

She should be able to switch her own phone off at a reasonable time and she does not need enforced 'wind down time'. As for bedtime 11pm would be normal for a teenager imo.

My oldest is at a boarding school for 14-18 year olds. Everyone has an 11pm curfew, which is also when they turn off the wifi. They are not supposed to use laptops or phones after that time - I know some occasionally do if they have a paper to write, but the residential instructors do check.

I think you are a great Mum. I wish I was as organised and disciplined with my kid's phones / computers etc ... ( 17,14 and 11)

I would keep the phone restrictions, but be more flex on bedtimes.