Are you serious i am 15 years old!!!!!

[Ohmygodareyouserious]

As the title would suggest my daughter is 15 and in year 10 (4th year old school). I take her I phone off her at 9pm every night (wind down time), she has a 10pm bed time (although with her faffing always more like 10.30) and a curfew when she goes out at the weekend. Last night she exploded, apparently I am the ONLY mother of, not only all of her friends, but the whole of her school, that thinks it is reasonable to treat a 15 year old this way!! She is old enough to regulate her own bedtime, curfew and internet use apparently and everyone else's parents that she speaks to think that I am crazy. I do know that all of her friends are allowed their phones all night as hers is constantly lighting up whenever I go into the kitchen (sometimes at gone midnight) which to me means they are obviously not regulating their use. AIBU? Please tell me that I am not the only one, I am beginning to feel as though she is hard done too.

the bedtime sounds a bit draconian but I think the phone rule is good.

my son is 13 he gos to bed when he wants with his phone. but then hes generally asleep before 10. hes up at 6.15 to get ready for school i dont have to get him up or anything. i think if he gave me trouble i would feel different. so i guess it depends on the child.

I think you are ok with what you are doing (depending on what time her curfew is). My DS15 has a 10 pm bedtime on school nights, although that generally stretches to about 10.30 by the time he's had a shower, packed his school bag etc. But he does have to get up at 6.45 am for school.

I do allow him to have his phone upstairs, as long as he is sensible. I tend to go to bed about 11pm, and he's almost always asleep by then, so I don't think he spends all night on his phone.

He has a curfew of 10pm any night he is out, unless at weekends if he is at a friends house and he lets me know. This seems to be similar to all his friends. And he can stay up as late as he likes in the holidays and weekends (although I might suggest as I go to bed that he doesn;t stay up much past midnight)

I wish my mum had been a bit more like you, I used to watch TV until all hours and was always really tired for School...at the time I thought it was great as my friends had strict bedtimes but really now I see my folks just did what was easiest but not what was necessarily best .....though don't get me wrong they are great they just like an easy life..stick to your guns she will appreciate it one day

Bedtime I wouldn't fuss too much on as long as they are rested enough for school. We do ban tech after 8pm though. I am happy for them to read or similar but nope to laptops, tablets or phones (although not all of them are old enough to have these yet)

When my DDs were that age, It was phone downstairs at 10pm and lights out before 10.30pm. This lasted til they were about 16 then I gave up relaxed the rules.

The way to get round that is ask your daughters permission to confirm what she is saying with all the Parents in her year. Teenagers are past masters at telling you a pack of lies to 'back up' their argument.

My teens are 15 and 13 (just, as in their birthday cards are still up) and their bedtime is 10pm. Whether they sleep or not at 10pm is their choice but I need that hour downstairs before I go to bed to unwind. They do take their phones to bed because they use them as alarm clocks, the 15 year old has a laptop upstairs but is often asleep way before 10pm anyway. This is on school nights, if they don't have school in the morning, they can sort their own bedtimes out. They've stayed up all night before now.

As for curfews, unbelievably it hasn't come up yet. The 15 year old is a homebody and spends all her time on skype upstairs. The 13 year old usually comes back in about 8ish or sometimes 9, she's not asked to stay out later. My eldest at the same age had a curfew of 6pm, because she had a habit of disappearing and I used to have to go out looking for her. Once she proved herself reliable it was gradually extended. She hated it at the time but has since agreed it was the best way. As long as I know where they are and who they are with, and they are not just hanging around on street corners I can be flexible but it depends on the child, the time of year and whether it's a school night.

It depends how responsible your DD is.

I don't set rules for DD like I had to with DS because she is a sensible person who can manage her own bedtime and devices.

She is out all weekend and will be back Sunday afternoon and I trust her to behave responsibly.

Because our kids are stuck in 'generation rent' and will be at home for years due to house prices, we're delaying freedoms for them. Quite a few of my friends left home at 16 because you could rent in low paid jobs. My cousin had a mortgage at 18.

But it really is a personal decision based on the maturity of your daughter.

I have 15 year old twins and I don't regulate their phones/electronics at all as I do think they are responsible enough to regulate themselves.

I do think you will be in the minority though - there is only one of their friends who has her phone removed at a set time. Both of mine are pretty straight though - nowhere near as wild as I was at their age - and their friends are the same - bit geeky stick to the rules kind of kids.

I would have been miffed to have had a bedtime aged 15, I think. My parents just let me go to bed when I was tired and it always worked for me.

However, tech is another issue. Mobile phones and laptops weren't around when I was 15, but when I got to uni and had those things for the first time I had no discipline and would sit up well into the night delving into the wonders of the internet: forums, chat rooms, etc. I don't think it was good for me as I became basically nocturnal and couldn't drag myself away from my computer each night.

So maybe you could compromise on bedtimes and allow her to read or whatever, but continue to limit the tech?

She's still under 18. Various studies have shown how proper sleep is 1. Necessary and 2. Interrupted by devices.
Basically she's whinging to be allowed to self manage - but you don't feel she's ready for that. YANBU - there are so many adults who can't control their device use, some boundaries for her to work from and consider as she gets near adulthood sound sensible. You're not impacting on her freedoms here! My parents were pretty clear on reasonable times of day to be on the phone when i was young. I have extended that to texting etc in my adult life. It's still antisocial to text if it's antisocial to call.

I do know that all of her friends are allowed their phones all night as hers is constantly lighting up whenever I go into the kitchen (sometimes at gone midnight)
Is that actually all of her friends, or just the one or two who are showing off their 'freedom' by sending late messages?

if she was on it at 1am obviously would need rules or have it removed.
How would you actually know? See comment above.

When I was 15 I had my own laptop with internet in my room (phones were still shit and had no web capability) and I sat chatting to friends on MSN Messenger to all hours. If my mum had tried to give me a 10pm bedtime I'd have been totally though I spent all of my time in my room so she never saw me anyway

I had a 10pm curfew on weeknights and 11pm at weekends. By the time I was 17 I had no restrictions at all and I turned out fine. We had one friend who had similar restrictions as your DD and we gave him so much stick for it, he was mortified.

I would scrap the downtime.

But what do I know, I'm not a Mother!

You are not the only mum. Of course your daughter would say that wouldn't she? Maybe allow her bedtime (wind down) to be a little later but there is absolutely no need to be on the internet or on the phone at bedtime.

I agree with both the bedtime and the phone use tbh.
I tend to go with what dd school recommend as she boards, not yet 15 but I know all years 9-11 bedtimes range from 9.15 - 10.15 latest at y11.
They need their sleep at this age and you say she faffs until 10.30, this is late enough imo.

You are her parent and I think at this age they can need more supervision with phones than when they are younger.
I think you should stick to your principles and agree that only a few parents won't be doing the same.

YANBU

Going against the grain I think you're treating a fifteen year old like a ten year old

I think that sounds fair. In fact teenagers are still in school so it sounds reasonable to have a decent bedtime. I really agree with no phones at bedtime. I was a nightmare with mine. It wasn't even me texting it's just checking Facebook & seeing the "perfect fake" lives everyone else was having. Not good to think about whilst drifting off. I actually had a great life when you get, but when your young it's very easy to always think about what everyone else is doing. I really hope I'm like you & do the same with my own kids when older. They've got years ahead of them to decide there own bedtime . Plus us mums & dad need some time too!!

yabu

at this age she needs to learn to regulate her own bedtime/sleep/phone time

Going against the grain I think you're treating a fifteen year old like a ten year old

So do I.

Having seen the reaction of most of the 11/12 year olds at the meeting for ds2's forthcoming school residential, when they were told it was strict lights out at 10:00, I was surprised. I got the distinct impression the majority of them don't have a set bedtime anymore. Mind you, that was nothing compared to the outrage at being told they couldn't take mobile phones.

My boys are 14 and 12 (the 14 year old has ASD). They go up at 9:00 and it's lights off at 10:00 during the week, 10:30 at weekends. Ds2 is fine, needs his sleep and knows it, so doesn't try it on with phones/tech. Ds1 has little impulse control when it comes to tech and we do have to remove his phone, not because he's in touch with friends, as his friends' parents have similar rules to ours, but he would spend all night on the net if we didn't intervene.

Ds2's friends' parents all have similar rules to ours.

I would imagine by the time ds2 is 15 we would have relaxed the rules a regarding bedtime, but we would continue to monitor the situation regarding tech/phone and if he was only past 10:00 ish, we'd be taking it away at night. Mind you, I would also keep an eye on how late he was actually going to sleep and if he was staying up stupidly late then we'd have to reimpose a bedtime, as he's never been able to cope without enough sleep and is foul to be around when he's tired.