Are you serious i am 15 years old!!!!!

[Ohmygodareyouserious]

As the title would suggest my daughter is 15 and in year 10 (4th year old school). I take her I phone off her at 9pm every night (wind down time), she has a 10pm bed time (although with her faffing always more like 10.30) and a curfew when she goes out at the weekend. Last night she exploded, apparently I am the ONLY mother of, not only all of her friends, but the whole of her school, that thinks it is reasonable to treat a 15 year old this way!! She is old enough to regulate her own bedtime, curfew and internet use apparently and everyone else's parents that she speaks to think that I am crazy. I do know that all of her friends are allowed their phones all night as hers is constantly lighting up whenever I go into the kitchen (sometimes at gone midnight) which to me means they are obviously not regulating their use. AIBU? Please tell me that I am not the only one, I am beginning to feel as though she is hard done too.

I have not read all of the thread but have to comment that "Bedtimes for 15 year olds are ridiculous".
I don't think they are - teenagers need their sleep.

Of course teenagers need their sleep

They need food too and to wash etc etc etc.

But by 15 they should be developing some self care and self-governance skills. It's a parent's job to make sure they do have basic skills for independence by 18, which includes sleeping enough, washing enough, organising yourself, managing a small budget and eating sensibly without micro management of every minute.

mine would stay up all night if it could, restricted internet access to 11 during the week and 2 ( which I think is far too late ) at the weekend, o no wasn't happy with that, it learnt to override the restriction meaning we have to keep resetting it. Apparently all teenagers stay up all night at the weekend...bet you didn't know that!!! YES I AM VERY VERY VERY ANNOYED, can you tell!

The 9pm phone rule is early imho. Compromise with the phone to 10pm. She's 15 (I was out working then!!!).

We have no mobile signal at home, which is a PITA but has advantages in teenager management (albeit we are in early days - compliant 13yo and non-compliant 9yo). Without wifi there is no contact with the outside world. DH has been busy recently setting curfews on a per device basis - ipads stay downstairs anyway, but DS's ipod is in his room - he could (in theory) still play games all night, but nothing that requires being online.

OP - I very much doubt you are the only parent doing this - but personally I would compromise on the bedtime, but not on the device curfew.....without phone or tablet she will probably take herself off to bed anyway.

DS1 is 12, and goes to bed (theoretically) at 9.15, and is generally not to bad about it. I have told him that we are going to have the bedtimes that I had at boarding school - 9.15 at 12, 9.30 at 14, and 9.45 at 16, with lights out by 10.
He's aspie, and often hyper, so may not settle well, but does try.
I let him have his phone to watch videos, but he's not into the social thing, so it's more passive for him - he's generally switched over to a playlist by 10, with the phone on the side and face down.
Might not work for everyone, but he's no more grumpy than he ever is in the morning, and is up and dressed in time for school.

Now if I could just get him to shower more often....

It does sound as if you are a little bit controlling about when she goes to bed but perhaps you have to be. I don't remember having a "bedtime" by that age but I suppose we didn't have distractions in bedrooms apart from books. Things have changed. When dd was 15 I think I started hassling her to wind down/get ready for bed at about 9.30 to 10.00. If the lights weren't off by 11 (which sometimes happened) I got very annoyed, removed phone, switched off internet etc

Just5MinutesWithDacre:
So you have a DC that would "prefer to go to bed about midnight and left to their own "self-governance" would do just that - you, as a responsible parent, IMPOSE a "bedtime"

You have a DC that happily trots off to bed at a reasonable time as their "self -governance" skills are slightly more advanced then you don't impose a "bedtime". If you are a smart arse you pat yourself on the back and think your attitude to self governance has created this and if all parents did this then bedtimes are "not needed"

NOT ALL 15 year olds have developed enough self governance skills and it is work in progress so to say "Bedtimes for 15 year olds are ridiculous" is ridiculous itself!

Just because a 15 year old has a "bedtime" doesn't mean that the parents are micro managing their lives and not encouraging independence.
Guess what - all kids are different and develop skills at different rates. Just because your DC can self govern effectively doesn't mean ALL DC can. I have had 3 teenagers and they all learnt to self govern at different times. 2 of the three are leading independent lives at university with all the life skills they need so I am pretty sure DD2 will get there too eventually

The bolding and inverted commas have confused me there Sonnet.

If you think you're quoting me, you're muddled.

The 15 year olds at my dd school have lights out at 10pm, my dd is 12 y7 and hers are 8.45pm.
There is nothing wrong with setting a bedtime for a 15 year old if they can't manage a decent time for themselves.
teenagers need more sleep and at times of study for exams maybe even more to make sure they are fresh.
If you want them to do well, and reach full potential there's nothing wrong with encouraging a good night's sleep.
Some can do it for themselves, some can't.
Some parents care, some cba.

Apologies - rogue asterix!

Just5MinutesWithDacre:

So you have a DC that would "prefer to go to bed about midnight and left to their own "self-governance" would do just that - you, as a responsible parent, IMPOSE a "bedtime"

You have a DC that happily trots off to bed at a reasonable time as their "self -governance" skills are slightly more advanced then you don't impose a "bedtime". If you are a smart arse you pat yourself on the back and think your attitude to self governance has created this and if all parents did this then bedtimes are "not needed"

NOT ALL 15 year olds have developed enough self governance skills and it is work in progress so to say "Bedtimes for 15 year olds are ridiculous" is ridiculous itself!

Just because a 15 year old has a "bedtime" doesn't mean that the parents are micro managing their lives and not encouraging independence.
Guess what - all kids are different and develop skills at different rates. Just because your DC can self govern effectively doesn't mean ALL DC can. I have had 3 teenagers and they all learnt to self govern at different times. 2 of the three are leading independent lives at university with all the life skills they need so I am pretty sure DD2 will get there too eventually

I didn't mean to smug about it.

I was just responding to the various posters suggesting that ALL 15 year olds without bed times are victims of acute parental neglect, glued to screens and not sleeping much.

Mine are too young for this to be an issue yet, but I fully expect to have a set bedtime (probably 10pm) and device curfew when they are this age. I definitely used to pretend I was asleep when I was either reading or listening to music after bedtime, and I accept this will likely happen with my children, however, the effect of tech devices on sleep patterns etc is far worse than simply being tired from reading a book too late.

The areas of the human brain that control impulsive behaviour and planning ahead don't mature until late teens/early twenties. Although you do get exceptions, in general I don't expect a child to regulate themselves beyond their physiological maturity - especially when many adults admit they have issues with struggling to use their phones etc less as well

The areas of the human brain that control impulsive behaviour and planning ahead don't mature until late teens/early twenties.

Also, teenagers are 'wired' as nocturnal creatures, their natural state seems to be up all night, asleep all day. IMO many teenagers will need to be prompted towards bed at a suitable time, as their natural instincts will be telling them to stay up.

Have a look at what local boarding schools do. In year 10 for my daughter it was 10pm bedtime and all devices removed. Year 11 was 10.30pm and still no devices. They so need to sleep well at this age.

As a parent of teens this has interested me.. And the strong feelings on either side of the debate. Ds(14) goes to bed around 10/10.30 on a school night and pretty much self regulates that. We both like to read in bed before going to sleep, sometimes I put my head round and say good night to him, sometimes he does the same to me. It's nice. He's also a morning person, first up in the house and always on time. I'd maybe be stricter if that wasn't the case. Op have you tried letting dd self regulate and it hasn't worked? Would you maybe trial it if you haven't? That said teens definitely do need boundaries, just different parents and different teens need them in different places.

Even the 6th formers at my dd boarding school are lights out at 11, tbh though most are asleep long before this.
We have found that they self regulate and in dd dorm the girls are often asleep before lights out and evening checks by house staff.

It sounds like she would never sleep if you didn't take the phone :) I'll just say about the curfew though - my curfew as a child was a good hour before my friends. This meant each night I was out I had to walk home alone, in the dark, down a deserted lane. It did not improve my safety. When my children are that age I hope to liase with their friends parents and stick to a similar curfew as everyone else. Youngsters are safer together, in my view.

You are an amazing mum, I had restrictions in my home growing up n that really helped me as an adult. I do the same with my 9 yr old, bedtime is at 9pm and will b doing d same at 15.
My house my rules. I surely wouldn't have a 16yr old who is old enough to get married she would be in education till about 24 with a masters degree just like generations of her family b4 her.
I never went to boarding school but will like her to go having mixed feelings about that as London City life isn't like it use to be.
As an adult i chose to go to bed early as I need to wake up early n happy for the next day. I'm sure my mum also believed her daughter never had cheat nights that's going against the rule, didn't we all at some point.
Your house, your rules, your child. When she grows up and makes you proud with achievement only you will understand those emotions personally not all the other parents at school or comments with opposite rules to yours at thier own home.
To each their own. Yes bedtimes are relaxed at wknds but no way near 11pm. I can't imagine going to bed so late into the morning and wake up ready for the next day for work. Let alone a teenager still at school who has a lot to learn and also remember and understand what has been taught. We all need enough sleep.

I think you should see what she does if you let her have her Fne one night and let her get on with it, if she's up all night and has a crap sleep then exhausted the next day your point has been proven! When I was 17/18 my dad had house rules in the house by 10 in your bedroom by 11 lights out whenever I used to get my head down usually at 11 anyways but those rules continued till I moved out at 26!! Nothing wrong with having house rules I still go to bed at around 11/11.30 now

The Wright Show have nicked your post!!!!! It's the next article coming up! AIBU or is this just lazy journalism?! Reckon their researchers scroll mumsnet for their stories!! How funny!! You're famous! Lol

Was just about to post about that Mike.

No it's not lazy journalism, it's modern journalism (I've lost count of the amount of times I've said this in the last month)

There's also the possibility that the OP is a researcher.

It is said that teenagers need approx 91/2 hours sleep so unless i want to let DS stay in bed until lunch time i have to put things in place. If I let my DS dictate his own bedtime he would be up until 3 watching youtube and playing games or chatting to friends. (I know this as i have tried!)
He is now 16 and nearly finished his GCSEs and the rule for the last 18 months has been that on a week night he puts his phone on charge downstairs at 9pm (8pm on an exam night) and can then spend time watching tv with the family, talking, revising, helping out and then go up to bed when he wants but no later than when i go (usually about 10 as I am a lightweight). He then reads until he falls asleep.
At weekends this is relaxed and he can do what ever until I go to bed and then its electronics off!
The difference between the person he was without structure and the one he is with it is huge. I relax the rules every now and then and you find that within a few days he reverts to a grunting, irritable little whatsit who cant concentrate on school work and who buries himself in his mobile. With the structure in place he is a pleasure to be with and chats and joins in.
He has learnt to get his head out of his phone and talk to humans!!!
Now he is finishing school and he is a young man I know things will rapidly change however with his dreams of joining the army on the horizon i am sure that giving him structure will help ease him into the more rigid world he will enter.
When i was a kid i didnt have the luxury of a mobile to use, however, I sometimes regret that my DS has grown up with one as you miss so much looking down! x

Well then Modern journalism (a la recent DF articles, haven't seen TWS piece) = lazy journalism.

I rarely post but had to weigh in.

At 15 I had a time I was expected to be in my room, and dad turned off the Internet when he thought it needed it, usually between 9 and 11 depending on how tired I was. Basically the same as your doing.

I also remember complaining about my dad being so very lame for doing this cause /no one/ else's dad did that, /only/ mine. Of course it's a crock - I found out as an adult all of my friends either had similar limitations or bad parents.

You're doing wonderfully :) keep it up.