Are you serious i am 15 years old!!!!!

[Ohmygodareyouserious]

As the title would suggest my daughter is 15 and in year 10 (4th year old school). I take her I phone off her at 9pm every night (wind down time), she has a 10pm bed time (although with her faffing always more like 10.30) and a curfew when she goes out at the weekend. Last night she exploded, apparently I am the ONLY mother of, not only all of her friends, but the whole of her school, that thinks it is reasonable to treat a 15 year old this way!! She is old enough to regulate her own bedtime, curfew and internet use apparently and everyone else's parents that she speaks to think that I am crazy. I do know that all of her friends are allowed their phones all night as hers is constantly lighting up whenever I go into the kitchen (sometimes at gone midnight) which to me means they are obviously not regulating their use. AIBU? Please tell me that I am not the only one, I am beginning to feel as though she is hard done too.

I also think that at 15 you are old enough to decide to switch your phone off and get some rest or stay up all night irresponsibly and slack the next day at school. A 15yo should definitely be able to make the right decisions and start to regulate their own work/play balance. If they make the wrong choices, on their head be it.

My nearly 15 year old 'surrenders' his electronic devices when he goes to bed. He leaves his laptop downstairs and his phone is plugged in to charge in my room (pragmatically as then I don't have to go downstairs again). I would like him to go to be earlier but I think the idea of a fixed bedtime is a bit tricky by this age.

Two nights a week he's not back from after school commitments until 6.30 and once a week until nearly 8. So what with two instruments to practice and an hour and a half of homework or more most nights (2 pieces at approx 45 mins each) and dinner and wasting time on Facebook he'd struggle to get into bed by 10.

Can't believe everyone on here telling OP she is 'controlling' and 'storing up a rebellion' etc.

Rest assure OP - that (when I have em) while my children (YES YOU ARE A CHILD UNTIL 18) are in my home, there will be the same boundaries if not more firm in place.

You can still have fun with your children and have a strong and trusting relationship with them by enforcing rules, you all do know that right? I'm so scared to bring my children up with their friends parents having such liberal views. From my experience the more liberal the parent, the worse the child turned ADULT ended up, generally speaking.

The more controlling a parent is the more a teenager will go off the rails when the leash is removed. And it does have to be removed.

I was reading a study from 2012 which showed that at 16 children got better academic results with seven hours sleep than those with 8 hours sleep.

I agree with peach, but parents can decide for themselves, I just pity those teenagers with the controlling snooping parents - it must be hell on earth. By the way it is likely a child from age 13 has its own enforceable privacy rights so do be careful as a parent you don't breach those.

sounds like a bit of a compromise is needed with your dd, she is only 15 but reading between the lines (and of course, I don't know her or you), she's asking you to trust a bit and allowing her a period of time to demonstrate this might be beneficial to both of you - less aggro, more independence. Why don't you let her have a phone until bed at 10.00pm where she can have her usual faff before she goes to sleep at about 10.30pm. I would encourage you to do something different even if it is a small gesture. Parenting teens is hard, I've got 3 at home and it is definitely all about conversation and compromise (within reason). Have a think about it.

Rest assure OP - that (when I have em) while my children (YES YOU ARE A CHILD UNTIL 18) are in my home, there will be the same boundaries if not more firm in place.

You can still have fun with your children and have a strong and trusting relationship with them by enforcing rules, you all do know that right? I'm so scared to bring my children up with their friends parents having such liberal views. From my experience the more liberal the parent, the worse the child turned ADULT ended up, generally speaking.

I adore it when non-parents do this. There seem to be quite a few on the thread.

I'm surprised that people think 10pm early for a 15 year old, she is still growing at this age and needing a good 8 hours. If she's not actually in bed until 10.30, and has a few minutes to get to sleep, then she is just getting about the right amount assuming she gets up about 7 am for school.

It's not that 10pm is too early, Sara it is the whole concept of 'bedtime' for 15 year olds. When do 'bedtimes' stop if you still have them at 15?

Can I also ask, of all those who say that a 15 year old shouldn't have a bedtime; does that mean you as parents are going to bed leaving teenagers rambling around until whatever time? TVs on, meals being cooked/eaten? Music being played?

No, mine wouldn't. Once or twice at that age they were still up when I went up and they took it as their cue to go up too, but normally they'd have taken themselves off before then.

I'm not letting social media ruin my children's education or future.

Good, no one else who parents differently to you are either.

I have always had clear rules of behaviour and values that I follow and expectations of my 2 sons.....15,12

Like most people here I imagine. You are not unique.

Other parents and their brat children drive me mad...... I work part time in a stressful job which allows me plenty of time to be available for my children's activities....(their choice not mine, I'm not a pushy parent) and because of this and for the benefit of their education you have to set limits for bedtime, mobile phone use etc

Well clearly you don't have to set limits for bedtime and mobile phones Plenty of us don't and we are managing to not raise brats and raise children who are doing well at school. I have one child out of five who isn't doing as well at school as I would like, but that is not bedtime or mobile phone related ;)

You can still have fun with your children and have a strong and trusting relationship with them by enforcing rules, you all do know that right? I'm so scared to bring my children up with their friends parents having such liberal views. From my experience the more liberal the parent, the worse the child turned ADULT ended up, generally speaking.

Yes we know that. I have plenty of rules. Bed times for a 15 year old just isn't one of them. And my 15 and 17 year olds are wonderful, they are turning into wonderful young men thank you.

I think it is really unfair to make out that those who don't have bedtimes for a 15 year old are shit parents who are ruining their education.

Get your heads out of you arses and you might realise that all teens are different and many of us have teens who have learnt to regulate their own sleep patterns with no damage to their educations at all.

Compromise is a good thing. Giving teens independence is a good thing. I don't assume that they aren't sensible enough to go to sleep at a decent time. I prefer to trust them to be able to regulate their own sleep patterns. If they prove that I was wrong to trust them then we do something about it.

Wow, Just5minswithDacre, I ADORE those who don't respect that everyone has an opinion and comes with different experiences.

I also ADORE those who don't realise how difficult it is dealing with people tell you you don't have children when you DESPERATELY want them. So thank you for that shitty comment, nice ;)

I have been brought up around children and became an aunty at the age of 5, entrusted with caring for various family members from a very young age. I come from a family which sprouts off to various individual families - ALL whom I am very close to. Therefore this has given me the opportunity to see and experience parenting first-hand, amongst lengthy parenting debates and being WITHIN a household of teenagers growing up. So please, don't patronise people who don't have kids.

Sorry but I didn't realise that 'non-parents' weren't allowed opinions. I will continue to 'do this' as much as I see fit, as this site is not JUST for those with children. Wow.

u2hastheedge

I don't think either liberal or stricter parents have their heads up their asses I think everyone is entitled to their opinion and the OP WANTS these different opinions as she wouldn't have posted if not??

I don't think anyone is trying to make parents who DONT have a bedtime for their children out to be shit parents.

As I said in my original post - from MY experience. Every experience differs - and others observations may differ also.

I am simply speaking from the point of view of someone who HAD a strict Mother, versus my friends and acquaintances who did NOT have strict parents, and seeing how they have turned out as adults of similar ages to me, versus the kids who did get disciplined/had rules enforced.

And that's great your 15 and 17 year old are both wonderful - great news!

Rest assure OP - that (when I have em) while my children (YES YOU ARE A CHILD UNTIL 18) are in my home, there will be the same boundaries if not more firm in place.

You can have an opinion.

But I really doubt that if you have a child you will be giving them a bedtime at the age of 17.

It's always easy to say what you will do before you have children, that isn't an insult, it's the truth. Every parent will tell you they thought they would do certain things before they became parents, especially parents to teens.

The thing is OP hasn't given her DD a chance. Why not give it a go? Maybe her dd will actually prove her mother wrong and maybe she will be able to regulate her phone usage and sleep times. The OP hasn't given her a chance and that just says 'I don't trust you to make the right decisions' At that age I want my children to think that I do trust them, until they actually give me a reason not to trust them.

What is the worst that will happen? OP's dd will mess up and then OP can go back to her rules.

I don't think anyone is trying to make parents who DONT have a bedtime for their children out to be shit parents.

Bollocks

Parenting doesn't stop at 12 or 14.

It's frustrating that parents don't see the effects that this has on their learning.

From my experience the more liberal the parent, the worse the child turned ADULT ended up, generally speaking.

I'm so scared to bring my children up with their friends parents having such liberal views

I'm not letting social media ruin my children's education or future.

What does that say about their views of parents who don't have bedtimes then?

u2hastheedge

The OP's daughter is 15, not 17.

Furthermore, if you saw my previous post you would have seen that I suggested the OP give a bit of compromise, as it allows for the daughter to feel she is being listened to, which is often something that doesn't happen with strict parents, and your point is totally valid about giving them trust.

Not saying don't let them live, but if you truly know what 15 year olds are like (which is the age group I actually work with), then you will know they tend to get up to all sorts of mischief! Dangerous mischief. Also it's SO important especially in this crazy society to teach young girls boundaries, even if that does mean up to 18. Boundaries generally prepare for adulthood and teach children how be law-abiding citizens, no?

And of course, nobody knows exactly how things will end up. Maybe I will end up with an uncontrollable child despite being boundried, BUT I can truly say that I will be implementing similar rules in my house, and doing so from a very young age despite how tiring it is going to get.

Nowhere in your quotes does it say those not implementing bedtimes equals a shitty parent. It implies that you still have to have rules for children. Furthermore I'm sure I explained that 'from MY experience' meant from MY experience - so others may have different views??

u2hastheedge and let's not insult intelligence here - I'm sure you knew full well the patronising undertones of that 'adorable' comment in reference to those without kids. It was definitely as if those without children shouldn't comment on this thread. Take it or leave what I say here, but I don't think its a territory you should be stepping over as it can be a very touchy subject for some.

Sorry but I didn't realise that 'non-parents' weren't allowed opinions. I will continue to 'do this' as much as I see fit, as this site is not JUST for those with children. Wow.

Have an opinion by all means. The shouty lecturing of posters with accumulated decades of parenting experience is a bit comical, though.

Sooner or later we all learn that thinking (or god forbid saying) "when I have DC, I will...." or "when I have DC of that age, I will....", in concrete terms and trenchant tone, leads to feeling very silly later.

I don't think anyone is trying to make parents who DONT have a bedtime for their children out to be shit parents.

That's exactly what's been implied a number of times and when it comes from fellow parents-of-teens I'll take it as a very brusque difference of opinion.

But from the childless and parents of 6 year olds it does make me smile.

We've all done it. My children were going to have nothing but wooden toys and eat a wholly organic diet

Last night was the England match. After it had finished, we automatically said to our teen dcs, time for bed now. Would people think that as controlling, or should we let them have gone to bed when they decided? It's not a bed time as such, but it's not a regulated time either.

At 15 my daughter had already been working part time for a year. I trusted she knew when she needed to be up for school and how crappy she would feel if she stayed up all night texting with friends. I cannot imagine telling her she must be off her phone and in bed by ten pm.

just5minswithdacre well, that is understandable - have you seen the price of organic food?!? ;)

No seriously - I do get why people it is ALOT different having teens than the idea of how it will be - obviously it will - they are humans with their own minds/attitudes/wants/needs etc.

However I don't think its unreasonable to be firm in my views of how I think my children will be parented. Everyone has their own parenting ideas and views on what they would want their children to learn in terms of boundaries and manners etc. Yes, it will be different as time passes and you learn things and things are never how you thought they would be. However the comment made by u2 was said in a very snide manner which was highly uncalled for .

Also just5minswithdacre I don't think anything about what I'm saying is 'comical' either. I don't ever recall shouting that I have accumulated years of parenting experience - I am not a parent and I am fully aware of that :S I was simply saying you don't have to be a parent to have an opinion :S though to be honest - YES - I do know what a good one is from a bad one through observation. Is that comical? I don't think so.

The OP's daughter is 15, not 17.

I know that.

but if you truly know what 15 year olds are like (which is the age group I actually work with), then you will know they tend to get up to all sorts of mischief! Dangerous mischief.

Well, I think I truly know what 15 year olds are like considering I have a 15 year old and a 17 year old. I also know many other children who are 15. I had two of them sleep over last night. Some get into dangerous mischief yes. I haven't had a problem with my two older teens yet in that regards and all their friends are equally as lovely. What has that got to do with bedtimes though?

Also it's SO important especially in this crazy society to teach young girls boundaries, even if that does mean up to 18. Boundaries generally prepare for adulthood and teach children how be law-abiding citizens, no?

Well thanks for telling me something I didn't know. As a mother of five I had no idea I'm meant to be teaching boundaries

Are you saying no bedtimes means no boundaries? If not, where exactly are you going with this?

Such a patronising post.

However the comment made by u2 was said in a very snide manner which was highly uncalled for .

What comment was snide?

This comment was by me

It's always easy to say what you will do before you have children, that isn't an insult, it's the truth. Every parent will tell you they thought they would do certain things before they became parents, especially parents to teens.

Snide and uncalled for? Don't think so.

Not read the whole thread so will just respond to the OP

My children have a curfew, bedtime (during the term) and removal of their electronic equipment until they leave school

Its worked with number one, number 2 (14) and 3 (13) are ok with it so far (grin)

I have a Dd the same age and school year and mon-thur all electronics off and downstairs by 10, and bed at 10.30 Fri and Sat she can go to bed when she chooses and keep her electronics with her but sometimes I do take the power leads to bed with me, which means she won't be up all night . Unfortunately we did try self regulation and it didn't work as she couldn't get up in the morning and kept missing the bus which then involved a 35 mile round trip for me ! Dd doesn't always like the rules but on the whole admits she needs her sleep, she also doesn't have a tv in her bedroom so does generally go straight to sleep .