Are you serious i am 15 years old!!!!!

[Ohmygodareyouserious]

As the title would suggest my daughter is 15 and in year 10 (4th year old school). I take her I phone off her at 9pm every night (wind down time), she has a 10pm bed time (although with her faffing always more like 10.30) and a curfew when she goes out at the weekend. Last night she exploded, apparently I am the ONLY mother of, not only all of her friends, but the whole of her school, that thinks it is reasonable to treat a 15 year old this way!! She is old enough to regulate her own bedtime, curfew and internet use apparently and everyone else's parents that she speaks to think that I am crazy. I do know that all of her friends are allowed their phones all night as hers is constantly lighting up whenever I go into the kitchen (sometimes at gone midnight) which to me means they are obviously not regulating their use. AIBU? Please tell me that I am not the only one, I am beginning to feel as though she is hard done too.

A normal TV is a bit less of an issue, it is the small screens that produce blue light that stuff up sleep. A book or an e reader are both fine.

All those saying that teenagers allowed freedom wrt bedtime/devices will self regulate - what's your view of the teachers on here who've said that they regularly see teenagers struggling to keep awake in lessons because they've been up til 4am messaging etc?

I may have missed it, but I think all the posters who've identified themselves as teachers have been supportive of some level of parental intervention/limit setting.

All those saying that teenagers allowed freedom wrt bedtime/devices will self regulate - what's your view of the teachers on here who've said that they regularly see teenagers struggling to keep awake in lessons because they've been up til 4am messaging etc?

If my teens were that tired, weren't generally reasonable sensible, weren't self-regulating, I would notice and intervene in some way.

It's not the case that you have to choose between a very strict, authoritative approach and complete laissez-faire.

I'm building on everything I've been doing from day one, not giving up.

Do I'm pretty confident that the teens who have been up at 4am and are yawning in class, aren't my teens

I may have missed it, but I think all the posters who've identified themselves as teachers have been supportive of some level of parental intervention/limit setting.

Missed this bit.

If you've always had sensible standards, earlyish bedtimes, expected good manners, if devices weren't something you allowed young (no smart phones or social media here before 13, no consoles ever etc), if you have sit down meals around a table, talk to your DC and all the obvious things, the transition to them taking responsibility for themselves is quite natural. They push the odd boundary occasionally but they don't go berserk or start living like the Young Ones

Parental input doesn't vanish just because you think formal bedtimes and confiscations at 15+ are age inappropriate.

Shouldn't think my teen is falling asleep in class, she works 4 hours after school 2 days a week.

If my teens were that tired

I don't know that it's that obvious. My parents never noticed I was tired because I wasn't when I was at home. I was upstairs working, watching tv or on the phone. I was just sleepy in lessons.

They just don't do it Manon. They're more likely to use FB messenger in between homework or practice papers. Their phones get left lying around all over the place. They're not secretive kids and not overly attached to their phones, although DS does have a half hour text conversation with his girlfriend most evenings after dinner.

IME, modern teenagers are very studious and motivated and focussed on getting their grades. They know what they need to do and they do it. They don't really drink either, which we certainly did.

It's really sad that they all get stereotyped as equally apathetic and screen-addicted.

I'm have worked in schools since I pretty much left school myself (10 years ago now).
In my honest opinion I can see it from both sides....but I do feel like you're treating your daughter as if she is far younger than 15. The chances are very high that actually, all her friends (or the majority) are allowed to regulate their own bedtimes and take responsibility for themselves to a certain extent by that age. When I was at school, which wasn't all that long ago really, there was only 1 of my friends who had a very strict parent and she had a lot of difficulty at school with feeling left out or being a bit laughed at because of the way her Mother in particular was treating her.
I do see a lot of the other side of it where some kids are just not responsible enough to manage their own bedtimes and electronics usages. But I would think in cases where your child has not done anything to make you feel you can't trust her, to at least give her the opportunity.
She will be an adult in just 3 very short years. She really needs to be preparing for that

Aren't you concerned that once she hits 18, she'll just go crazy? She'll have no internal resources to regulate her own bedtime or even phone use.

re the teacher comment: I've answered given the OP's context, not for someone who has never regulated their child's bedtimes.

I do agree that children being tired in class is a huge issue, I think electronics are a large part of it, and I agree that kids need regulated bedtimes.

But at some point you also need to take the next step and let them start to make decisions and run their lives for themselves, otherwise you'll dispatch them into the wider world (potentially just 2.5 years after the OP's daughter's current age...) and they won't necessarily have the right decision making skills.

Interesting, my parents let me set my own bedtime. Now I feel that they didn't care about me enough! (true, they didn't!!). I am 54 now, I still feel the same even more so, as I have a daughter of that age.

My parents were generally quite strict, I wasn't allowed to do things that a lot of my friends were allowed to do (eg attend events, go to the cinema, go to parties etc) but at 15 they wouldn't have dreamed of setting a bedtime for me. They would have said 'do you not think you should go to bed now? you'll be tired tomorrow...' but a set bedtime just wouldn't have happened. I don't think any of my friends had a set bedtime at that age either. I know when I have discussed it with DH he didn't have a set bedtime as a teenager either.

My children haven't reached this age yet, I don't know how we will approach it when it comes around.

Sorry I've not read the whole thread. I take electronic devices off my 15 year old because he'd be on it half the night if I didn't and half asleep at school too. Your daughter is at an important time in her education, the pressure is piled on in year 11 and if she wants to do well she needs to be alert and focused. There's plenty of studies out there indicating that there's a strong correlation between tiredness and poor performance for both adults and kids. I don't know if anyone's suggested this, as I haven't read the whole thread but could you put her to the test in the summer holidays as it were? It will be pretty obvious if she can't self-regulate her phone use and bed-time and she'll be hard to pushed to argue the point any further. Alternatively, if she can then you may relax things a bit.

Sorry that should say 'hard pressed to push the point any further.' Lack of sleep last night is clearly affecting my focus!

I think your rules sound spot on. I used to text all night sometimes, and that was well before the days of social media.

It's up to you but I did not regulate my DC at this age. At 17, she will ask me to take her phone away if she's trying to study so she doesn't get distracted!!

She is always in bed by or often before 10pm on school nights.

My DS is 13, nearly 14, and regulates himself. But he's sensible, turns his own phone off and gets to bed before 10, sometimes as early as 9. If he was pushing limits I think I might do what you're doing OP and make him turn over his phone. On bedtimes I think it helps if they can learn when they need to get sleep themselves, but then again if I had a DC that made themselves exhausted regularly by not going to sleep, I'd probably intervene too.

I'm a teacher. I had a frank discussion with my form group the other week (year 8) about phones. They said they go to bed but will then have their phones and be scrolling so don't actually get to sleep until late. i think there is a massive pressure on tweens and teens to be in touch on their phones constantly as they are always battling to be 'in the know' and they don't want to miss out on anything.

OP, personally I say good for you taking the phone off your daughter. She needs a good nights sleep and what does it matter anyway if she's just going to bed. I think other parents just can't be bothered with the hassle of doing the same with their own children/don't care.

I find it a bit weird, when I was 15 I was still out at the pub at 10pm and certainly didn't have a set bed time

didnt we all used to use the line the other mums let their kids do what they want

its been bandied about for years

your house your rules-if the phones beeping all night whose to say she wont be up till 1am replying to texts

Aren't you concerned that once she hits 18, she'll just go crazy? She'll have no internal resources to regulate her own bedtime or even phone use

Seriously?

Those who don't have a tech out rule, and no bedtimes, what age did you stop having them? (I'm not counting those who never needed to enforce bed-times - my parents never did with me, but I'm a natural early sleeper/early riser & still never stay up late.)

I'm interested in this discussion, as I've got a (only just) 14 y/o!

My DD's are 14 and 16 and they both have to turn their phones off before going to bed between 9:30 and 10.Their bedtime is 10 during the week and slightly later at the weekends. They sometimes moan but its my house, my rules and they still need a decent nights sleep to function properly during the day. Ive been told that both my partner and I are very strict and other parents arent as harsh but i dont care, other peoples children are precisely that. My girls are still children/young adults and are in no way hard done by just because they dont have their phones during the night. They both fall asleep pretty much straight away so they clearly need the rest. I work shifts and so the weeks I'm not on nights, I like to have some time of an evening, with my partner without the "young uns" around. YANBU at all, you're doing a great job. You stick to YOUR rules, for YOUR children in YOUR home, you have their best interests at heart and they'll thank you for it one day.