Are you serious i am 15 years old!!!!!

[Ohmygodareyouserious]

As the title would suggest my daughter is 15 and in year 10 (4th year old school). I take her I phone off her at 9pm every night (wind down time), she has a 10pm bed time (although with her faffing always more like 10.30) and a curfew when she goes out at the weekend. Last night she exploded, apparently I am the ONLY mother of, not only all of her friends, but the whole of her school, that thinks it is reasonable to treat a 15 year old this way!! She is old enough to regulate her own bedtime, curfew and internet use apparently and everyone else's parents that she speaks to think that I am crazy. I do know that all of her friends are allowed their phones all night as hers is constantly lighting up whenever I go into the kitchen (sometimes at gone midnight) which to me means they are obviously not regulating their use. AIBU? Please tell me that I am not the only one, I am beginning to feel as though she is hard done too.

DD is 16, just finished Y11. We used to have a no internet after 9pm policy a couple of years back, but she just doesn't need it now. She's always so tired that she's fast asleep by 10pm most nights. She does a lot of sport and it just wears her out.

I was a teacher, 20 odd years and my daughter is now a teacher. Yes kids are tired and on their phones but that is small fry against the harm you do by this helicopter parenting.

YANBU at all!! It's a school night, she's your child and you must do what works for you! My DC are under 4 so I've got no idea but I hate mobiles and I'm sure I was in bed and asleep by 9.30 at 15, I think you sound very fair and totally reasonable!! She's just pushing you as they so love to do!

I used to stay up reading a book or watching TV in my room at that age. I didn't have a bedtime. But, I also had a job and was paying 'rent'. Whilst doing gcse/ a levels. I was also allowed to go to the pub and get drunk with my friends. I was usually back by 11pm because thats when the last bus back to their village was.
I actually asked outright if I could go out with my friends to the pub, hoping my mum would forbid it, so I would have an excuse to say no. She said it was okay, but I wish that boundary had been on place really.
However, how will she learn to manage her own time and life when you are so controlling. The leash must be relaxed at some point surely?

Totally don't see it as controlling, she's 15. OP you're her mum and nobody else!

And helicopter parenting, why does everything have to be labelled and boxed and categorised, researched and studied?! It's just parenting.

by this helicopter parenting

This isn't helicopter parenting. If you're going to use silly clichés at least use them accurately.

I agree

It's parenting

Another teacher here.
In my school all pupils have an ipad so how tech is used in the home comes up quite regularly. I think there are a lot of parents who take the tech off their children at night. This is more of the 11 year olds and fewer of the 16 year olds.

IMO a lot more young people than we think are actually addicted to their tech. I have a Y11 mentor group and I teach revision techniques. We talk about the need to turn your email off "push" so that it doesn't interrupt you. Turn off notifications for twitter and facebook so they don't interrupt you. Conversations about what is more important this year etc etc? They know, but some kids just can't do it. It is not about the parents who have taught responsibility from a young age. It is about being addicted to the technology. Some adults are too.

I am happy for a parent to be taking the phone off their child or turning off the wi-fi at night. Thank you. IMO kids secretly like their parents being protective about stuff like this. They roll their eyes in an overly dramatic fashion but they don't moan as much as you think. Nor are they embarassed. I treat 15 year olds like children all day long. That is my job! They don't hate me for it. They are not mini-adults.

You could negotiate over bed-times but you know your child. When I take school residential trips for Y10 and Y11, it is clear that some kids still have set bed-times and some don't. Some kids are sensible and can self-regulate at that age. Fine let them. You are lucky. Some kids can't and those parents have to make a choice. Have a bed-time and aggro or take the easy option and call it letting them grow up. Just because they can get up in the morning, doesn't mean th

....that they are fully awake and ready to learn.

I'm a way off the teenage years, dD is only 6 but you sound absolutely sensible. Teenagers need their sleep, and a period of screen and communication free wind down time is recommended for everyone, even adults. I'm surprised that people think 10pm early for a 15 year old, she is still growing at this age and needing a good 8 hours. If she's not actually in bed until 10.30, and has a few minutes to get to sleep, then she is just getting about the right amount assuming she gets up about 7 am for school.

Summer great post.

You sound perfectly reasonable to me,OP

Of course a 15yo should have a bed time on a school night! A 15 yo is a growing child who who needs to bd alert to learn the next day, but would happily stay up all night using social media if allowed.

This is why 15yos live with parents or another responsible adult!

Sheesh! I shouldn't have to be explaining this on MN.

I feel like you're doing the right thing with regards to the phone. I wish I had someone to do that for me because I'm not that self disciplined. I think she is probably old enough to sort out her own bedtime, and hopefully there won't be any lure for her to stay up too late with no phone to use! I think a curfew is sensible too, but it depends what time it is.

Sounds ok to me. My 15 year is expected to have lights out at 10.30 and 9.30 for my 12 year old. At weekends and holidays we are a lot more flexible.

I think a lot of people with primary age children or younger assume that most 15 year olds are mini adults. Some might be, but most aren't. They push boundaries and don't always consider the consequences of their actions. Trying to wake a sleeping 15 year old is quite some task, and if they don't get enough sleep because they have been up half the night on their phone, they can get as cranky and irritable as a toddler. They also don't always learn from previous experience. So many 15 year olds do need to be told to go to bed. Parenting doesn't stop at 12 or 14.

None of us can tell you what to do . We are all different in how we bring up our children. Mine had no such restrictions at all although we never had TV in rooms. By 15 many of our children are old enough to take these decisions themselves. Eg one of my twins has always needed an hour more sleep than his twin. They share a room and they both make sure they get the sleep they need.

What has helped is that I go up to bed at 10 as does their older brother and on school days the teenagers do too. Once they are in their room that is entirely up to them what they do in it.

However I am not right and others wrong. Instead there are lots of different ways of being a good parent so do what feels right for you. We have never had a curfew for going out at weekends of any of the children although I have often said don't you dare wake me up, no way can I collect anyone anywhere in the night and make sure you take a key or else you'll be sleeping in the garden. other parents are out there in cars at 1am colelcting children whilst mine are setting up an Uber account or working out the night buses from London. We all differ. Mine have all had totally unrestricted internet abuse always as that fits my own moral and political views. Those are not the views of most parents.

Thankfully we live in a UK (just) where we can have a range of different ways of bringing up teenagers but all within the law. Big brother is not yet imposing one size fits all on all parents.

As a secondary school teacher I applaud you :-) If it is any consolation, I am apparently the only teacher in the school who follows the behaviour management policy; teenagers will always tell you that you are the only person.
Too many parents are too scared of their children. Your child not having their phone /internet access overnight means that there is a really good chance that they might get a really good night's sleep and be ready to face a day at school. It also means that your child is better trained for life in the real world where checking social media every 30 seconds is not possible in the workplace. I bet you also insist on her having breakfast :-)
And going to bed at 10pm... I cannot believe that some people are saying that this is early! She is 15 years old - it is not too early and I am assuming that if your house is like mine, the adults are also shattered and don't want to be up much later than 11. She is a child and should be in bed before her parents. In my experience children who have a sensible routine like this at home and are not permanently glued to social media are more focused in their school work, get better exam results and are more employable (as they understand and accept the rules and conventions around working life).
As for a curfew at weekends; again, this is simply good parenting. I cannot get my head round parents who let their children roam around or off doing whatever with whomever at whatever time of day or night. A 15 year old is still a child. As a secondary school teacher, listening on a Friday afternoon to the plans for the weekend, followed by the Monday morning update is, quite frankly, frightening. A lot of parents are being very naïve if they think that their child is safe online or out late at night.
What you are demonstrating is excellent parenting; you are not being unreasonable. You are keeping your child safe - well done. Stick to your guns :-)

Can I also ask, of all those who say that a 15 year old shouldn't have a bedtime; does that mean you as parents are going to bed leaving teenagers rambling around until whatever time? TVs on, meals being cooked/eaten? Music being played?
It's surely not so much enforcing a strict bedtime (although I maintain teenagers need sleep), but teaching your child that it is a social norm and respectful to everyone within your circle, that you go to bed between these hours and do not contact people after a certain time at night and between a certain time in the morning??! (unless of course a dire emergency... isn't it funny how if the house phone rings after 9:30 or before 8 you assume the worst?)

Mine have all had totally unrestricted internet abuse...

That's one very telling Freudian slip there....

Can I also ask, of all those who say that a 15 year old shouldn't have a bedtime; does that mean you as parents are going to bed leaving teenagers rambling around until whatever time? TVs on, meals being cooked/eaten? Music being played?

Yes sometimes I go to bed leaving my 15 year old awake. However, he is respectful enough not to make noise to wake us up and his younger sisters. He also has no desire to cook late at night

They go up around 9.30-10.00pm and stay in their room doing whatever. They don't have TV in their rooms. Well they do, but no signal so it's just for the X Box.

What you are demonstrating is excellent parenting; you are not being unreasonable. You are keeping your child safe - well done. Stick to your guns

So those who don't give our 15 year old children bed times aren't parenting 'excellently'?

If a child is going to school shattered and not learning then the parents need to intervene. I would intervene if I needed to but my 15 year old is sensible enough to learn from his own mistakes. He might on the very odd occasion stay up too late but he won't do it again in a hurry.

My 17 year old has been deciding his own bedtime since he was around 15. He managed to get good grades, and he manages to wake himself up for college and be a productive member of society. He is also fine with not being able to check his phone every 20 minutes in the workplace, half the time he doesn't even take it.

It all depends on the child doesn't it? I prefer mine to learn from their own mistakes, if it appears that they aren't learning from them and it is affecting their learning then I would intervene, but I'm not going to assume they are incapable of choosing their own sensible bedtime until they have given it a go.

You do what feels right for you. Mine have never failed at school and are always up on time and do well and that is without internet use restrictinos and without a bed time. However they go to bed on school nights when I do at 10pm. They know that if they don't get enough sleep they don't feel good. It's common sense.

At weekends and holidays they manage it in a way that works for them - eg they have been at the gym every day over half term and meeting friends in the morning so got to bed in time to get up for them whereas if they weren't going out they might choose to go to bed later and get up later. I am not however saying every parent has to be this way - we live in a country where parents are free to be naked at home or wear a burka, where women can serve men at home or have equal marriage, where children are regimented and organised and controlled and TV banned at home and other houses utterly free and most of us somewhere between these extremes.

Thankfully that kind of variety is still legal in the UK.

If they ask me to wake them up I do wake them up (although usually they set various alarms). If they haven't got up and have something to go to I will wake them up. If it's a school day I still go into their room around 7am to make sure people are getting up to be on the safe side.

Smtimes one of mine (17) will say he wished he hadn't been on his phone late as he's tired and I think yes that's sensible to have learned that. They have a friend who has been getting up around 4pm every day of half term and I was pleased mine felt that was a waste of the day (although most studies show teenagers learn more with a very late start as some schools are trying)

I have always told my children that 'you lunatics are not taking over my asylum'
I have always had clear rules of behaviour and values that I follow and expectations of my 2 sons.....15,12.
I have always said....."if you disagree with me then come with a reasonable argument and we will discuss your opinions" and I must admit that there has been several occasions where I have allowed them to 'do it their way' with the proviso that if they let me or their Dad down then they have to accept the consequences.
Other parents and their brat children drive me mad...... I work part time in a stressful job which allows me plenty of time to be available for my children's activities....(their choice not mine, I'm not a pushy parent) and because of this and for the benefit of their education you have to set limits for bedtime, mobile phone use etc, you are being a great responsible parent and schools (and ultimately your daughter) will thank you for this...... I'm not letting social media ruin my children's education or future.

When I was 15, I had a bedtime of 11pm, and I was able to use my phone or have friends over or whatever, until 11pm. I think that's perfectly reasonable, and I did when I was 15 too. I'd relax the rules a little bit if I were you, and tell her the compromise is that she gets to keep her phone until actual bedtime. I don't think 15 year olds need "wind down time" the way a young child does.

I personally would say these guidelines are OTT for a regular 15yo teenager.

You probably ARE one of the only parents to impose such rules, but she is still a child so its obviously up to you.