Are you serious i am 15 years old!!!!!

[Ohmygodareyouserious]

As the title would suggest my daughter is 15 and in year 10 (4th year old school). I take her I phone off her at 9pm every night (wind down time), she has a 10pm bed time (although with her faffing always more like 10.30) and a curfew when she goes out at the weekend. Last night she exploded, apparently I am the ONLY mother of, not only all of her friends, but the whole of her school, that thinks it is reasonable to treat a 15 year old this way!! She is old enough to regulate her own bedtime, curfew and internet use apparently and everyone else's parents that she speaks to think that I am crazy. I do know that all of her friends are allowed their phones all night as hers is constantly lighting up whenever I go into the kitchen (sometimes at gone midnight) which to me means they are obviously not regulating their use. AIBU? Please tell me that I am not the only one, I am beginning to feel as though she is hard done too.

There are no rights and wrongs, just differences between parents. We all have things that are important to us and things that aren't.

The example of a football match ending and saying time for bed now that is just the sort of thing most of us would do with younger children. It's just I wouldn't giev a 15 year old a bed time and mine never needed one at that age and could self police if they felt over tired. I might well say after a holiday back to school tomorrow is school make sure you go to bed early tonight to get enough sleep but I would never then control that. So have very often gone to sleep before the children when they are that age and sometimes had to use ear plugs to get to sleep.

I'm slightly confused - I thought that the definition of bedtime is the time a person usually goes to bed. And yet USER1464519881 says her children are "without a bedtime" but then in the same line says "However they go to bed on school nights when I do at 10pm."

I'm also really intrigued as to what a controlling, snooping parent is and who this is directed at. The OP, unless I've missed something, has by implication, revealed she allows her daughter to go out but gives her a curfew. Seems pretty sensible to me given that her DD is 15 and that the OP has parental responsibility for her. OP also said she takes her phone off her DD, she hasn't said she trawls through it so where does the snooping come in? If I've missed something, I apologise.

NEVER allow technology in the bedroom. Apart from obvious risks, it completely fuck's with their sleep to look at a screen at bedtime. I also CLEARLY remember telling my parents that EVERYONE was allowed (whatever), and it was almost never true.

My girl's 17 and it's bed by 10/10.30 without internet.
I don't enforce it because we discussed it - she felt she was old enough - at around 15 to be left to make her own decisions. She spent some time without regulation, we looked at it and she was tired, her friends were texting all night long and she wasn't coping and she was crabby - I asked what needed to happen to get back into a good routine and she said she needed rules. We discussed what was a good idea health/social etc for her to get an average of 8.5 - 9 hours a night and she came up with the 10.30 and no phones.
If she hadn't agreed I'd probably still have enforced it. It just would be done with more resentment.

YANBU! My dd is 17 and we didnt let her take mobile upstairs (to her room) or use a computer upstairs until end of Year 11. We knew her friends were online into the early hours and she wasnt allowed to do it. Age 15 she generally went to bed by 10pm. When she finished Year 11 we let her make up her own mind but interestingly she always leaves her mobile downstairs. We bought her a laptop for 6th form and she has that in her room but turns it off before she goes to bed. I think taking a firm approach worked well as she is not permanently attached to social media. She is BTW very sociable. We are doing the same with ds (Year 9) - he has always known the rule is no computer in room, no mobile upstairs and he goes along with it. No fuss. He is also very sociable but has had to learn to switch the thing off.

Oh dear I have a 20 yo and 18 yo and it never occurred to me to curfew at aged 15. Or to take phones away. I think it's good
If they can learn to regulate themselves, particularly by aged 15.
Really, i think you should have a go at trusting her. My biggest arguments with my children have been over the issue of trust, and they've always been right - I can trust them. They always did their college/school work and did well.
Give it a go. Try a week or two of unregulated bedtime and keeping the phone upstairs. See what happens, with a firm prior agreement that if she ends up knackered things return to the old regime.
She probably feels you don't trust her and are suspicious of what she's up to on the phone. Horrible feeling for her. Give it a go and good luck!

15 year olds need 8-10 hours of sleep a night, I'm assuming the OPs daughter gets up for school between half 6 and half 7 like most children? So the bed time seems about right. I remember going to bed at 10pm as a 15 year old 15 years ago, and getting up at 06:50, and that being the right amount of sleep.

As for the mobile phone, my daughter is only 3 but I don't like the thought of her having a smart phone at all. My household got the Internet in 1995 when I was 10 years old, my parents were clueless and the amount of men that continuously tried to groom me in chat rooms was unreal. I shudder now even thinking about it!

My dd is 17 and I'm sure she'd think it hilarious to have a bedtime, especially when her bf stays over.
As long as she gets to school on time and work on time I'm ok about what time she sleeps. At least now she's passed her driving test I don't have to drive her to school.

I've not read the whole thread but I think you are doing the right thing. Sleep is soooo important to youngsters and you know she'd be up all night chatting etc.

I know how I feel when I'm tired and my toddler turns into a devil child when she's done in.

It is a truth universally accepted that any sentence that begins with 'All my friends...' is never the truth!

Haha. They're all saying the same to their parents as, no doubt, we did. 15 year old girls are at their most challenging-neither grown up or children. They will push the envelope at every opportunity. Hold firm, it gets better soon.

I must be really cruel then. My oldest 2 boys are 12 and 15. On school nights it's lights off by 9pm. Though if the 15 year old wants to watch something till 10pm in his room he can. The oldest is fine about it and sensible. He doesn't really message people on his phone very often. But the 12 year old thinks I'm cruel. He can't get up, the bus collects at 8am and I really struggle to wake him and get him to dress, so I have to make him turn lights off at 9pm.
At weekends I don't restrict bed time (they are always home as we live in the countryside and they don't really want to meet friends) so weekends the oldest still usually has his light off by 10pm. The 12 year old I usually suggest bed at 11pm and he'll go up. But he still chats on his phone. But they often stay in bed till lunch time weekends, to me that suggests lack of sleep.
I get told by the 12 year old that I'm the only parent that makes him go to bed. He's always got black rings round his eyes from lack of sleep too. So if I let him stay up till all hours he'd look worse.

My daughter is fifteen too. I don't dictate times or take her phone. She knows it's hard to get up for school if she stays up late so takes herself to bed, sometimes before me. She works hard at school, has a Saturday job and likes to spend time with friends. I like to think she's independent but she often needs a little bit of advice and guidance. I let her make choices, knowing the conciquences. You have to let them learn, make mistakes and grow. It's hard, but the right thing to do. The older and busier my daughter gets the more we enjoy our time together. Good luck. Believe me, she was a challenging toddler though!!

The one thing I would say is that 'everybody' clearly doesn't remove phones - and that at least some of those allowed to keep them don't self regulate to a sensible position. DD has said to me that she very often sees messages from (yr 9) schoolmates sent at 3 or 4 am.

Interestingly she complained massively a couple of years back when she first got a phone & tablet & we set a rule of no tech in bedrooms overnight, but these days she doesn't seem bothered.

Get all this with DS OP. He's 13 and his bedtime is 9pm with all electronics removed (iPad, phone and Xbox controller) The Everybodies (who have been around since the dawn on time) are allowed to stay up all night but I just tell him it's tough.

We have never done curfews, bed times or rules on electronic devices. DCs have gone through periods where they seemed to be nocturnal but seem to have coped fine.

YANBU! Like other posters, I have had this exact issue with my Ds. Its so hard to enforce a 'no phone or ipod in bed' rule, especially when the boy is bigger and stronger than you! We have so many arguments about it, but I really think it's for the best on a school night. Surprises me that his friends parents allow their kids to be on their mobiles etc all night. Or perhaps they don't realise /can't be arsed with the arguments!

"I'm slightly confused - I thought that the definition of bedtime is the time a person usually goes to bed. And yet USER1464519881 says her children are "without a bedtime" but then in the same line says "However they go to bed on school nights when I do at 10pm.""

Yes, they know they need enough sleep on school nights so we all go up to bed at 10pm in the house. That is not however a bed time I would enforce. They choose to go then because they are sensible and know how much sleep they need. One goes earlier and goes on his lap top in bed. The other gets into the bathroom around orj ust before 10pm and spends ages in there and I am often asleep before hel eaves that. What they then do once in their bedroom is up to them but I believe they tend to be both asleep by 10.30 or 11 and wake up at 7.

There is no rule. I went to university at 17. Many of us are quite sensible at a young age. That is the sort of family we are - lots of independence, responsbility and living with the consequences of your own actions.

Your choice, your daughter. I would think it a bit OTT. What happens at 18 when she leaves home?

Sounds like you're doing a great job. I'm 35 and need an hour of downtime before bed at 10 or I can't face the day!! (Can you come and take my phone away too??! ;-)

User - thanks for clearing that up. It's great that your kids are sensible and responsible etc, unfortunately not every child is. Like I said earlier, I take devices off my son as the bottom line is, he'd be on his phone half the night if I let him and cream crackered the next day. He's had the opportunity to prove me wrong and hasn't. I've seen many kids in school half asleep, unable to focus and irritable through being up late at night on electronic devices. I don't want him being one of them. If that makes me controlling, I'll happily live with that.

primaryteach87 - the thing is the OP's daughter is not 18, nor is she 17, she's 15. There's a difference.

Parents differ as do children. Just do what you think is right.

I am more concerned with parents who snoop on 15 year old's phones and internet postings than on setting bed times actually but that's a different topic.

my old psychology professor (specialising in video game learning stuff) would lock away all teenagers phones etc at 9pm. He showed us a picture of the box! There is proper actual scientific evidence that looking at screens past 7pm is bad for sleep etc let alone 9! You are simply being a good parent and wanting the best for your child. Your daughter will understand when she's older and actually appreciate what you have done. I law down the law with my kid but I say to them that actually I find it hard to regulate my own online behaviour and I'm an adult (but I do…but time gets sucked into a vortex online…) The huge shifts in levels of teenagers dopamine (brain reward chemical) make it extremely difficult to regulate their own online (and other) behaviour. Maybe find some brain info to back you up?

sorry for typos

Your house your rules. She'll thank you for it in years to come, hopefully! Mine is nearly 13 and uses the 'everyone is allowed', 'no one else has to' lines all the time. No phone in bedroom after bedtime definitely, and ideally for an hour before, he doesn't have a TV or console in his bedroom either. Sleep is so important. He has an alarm clock, doesn't need his phone for that. He's still in the phase of getting up early at weekends, but needing his alarm clock for school! I know some friends do use their phones/PS4/Xbox late at night. Bedtimes depend a bit on when they need to get up, what they're doing and on the person so it's hard to say what's reasonable and I'm a bit more flexible with that. I don't believe your DD's friends' parents are telling DD you are crazy though!