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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we BU or are they?

203 replies

yorkshapudding · 09/06/2016 19:38

In a weeks time DH is going away for a couple of days to attend a good friends wedding a few hours drive away (I'm not able to go due to work), this has been planned for well over a year. A week ago he had a text from a mutual friend of the B&G who is also going to the wedding saying that since he and his partner don't drive they had "sort of assumed" that they would get a lift with DH but wanted to check this was ok with him. No mention of petrol money. DH was a bit put out by the assumption but isn't one to take offence easily and replied saying ok but you'll have to make your way to ours (they aren't local to us, they live in a city about 1.5 hrs drive away from us and not on the way to the wedding location) and will need you to chip in for fuel. Friend replies "ok will meet at your house just let us know what time". DH says they need to leave at 5am to make it to the wedding. No response from friend. DH assumes all fine.

Today DH receives another text from friend "is it cool if we stay at yours the night before the wedding as we can't get there for 5am". DH and I are not keen on this idea for a number of reasons. Firstly and most importantly, immediately after the wedding DH will be going away for work for three weeks so we were hoping to spend some quality time just him, me and DD (2.5). I also have a particularly manic week at work that week due to a large event I'm organising and could really do without entertaining midweek overnight guests. Also, I dont fancy trying to keep a toddler asleep through the sound of three people getting up at 4am, using bathrooms, wandering about etc and then getting up for work myself at 6.30am. So DH emails friend, explains the above and suggests they stay with friends parents (who live a 5 minute drive from us) and he'll pick them up in the morning on the way to the wedding. Friend texts back saying that "doesn't work" for him as he's recently fallen out with his parents and isn't speaking to them.

AIBU and a complete cow to think that this is not our problem? DH thinks he should tell them they need to find a hotel local to us and he'll collect them and drive them to the wedding as agreed or if they don't want to do that they can make their own travel arrangements. They both have good jobs so as far as we are aware money is not an issue. My gut reaction is that they're cheeky feckers and DH is right but we're both quite stressed at the moment due to work and illness on both sides of the family so just not sure whether we're being unduly harsh.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/06/2016 09:36

Just read that your DH's friend normally get dinner and breakfast etc. - just checking that you were NOT planning on getting up at 4am yourself to make them breakfast? Because, y'know, there's being hospitable and then being a complete mug.

YANBU to say no, by the way - I would too. And in general I would do a lot for my friends, but not to the potential detriment of my small child or family.

BigPurpleCake · 10/06/2016 09:43

Honestly, I'd probably just say that's fine. I'm pretty accommodating with this sort of thing.

Theoretician · 10/06/2016 10:12

The only time this request made any sense was if/when they were expecting to be picked from home. (Which was a ridiculous expectation, if it ever existed.) As soon as they needed to be an hour and a half away from home at 5am it made more sense to just travel direct to the wedding.

How is staying in a Travelodge going to cost less than using public transport to travel direct?

Apparently they aren't broke, but unless someone is on the bread-line how is an overnight stay away from home followed by a journey starting at 5am worth the inconvenience to them.

helpitsmyfirst · 10/06/2016 10:14

Uh no yanbu!! You have a young child and ill family members on both sides and you guys wanted to spend quality time together before your Dh goes away for 3 weeks, the reason he wants to stay at yours is because he gets waited on hand and foot. No wonder your Dh is putting his foot down this time, especially with the fact he doesn't really like kids but still expects to stay Angry no please don't feel guilty or let others make you feel that yabu, you guys need to spend time together and a break by the sound of it xx

problembottom · 10/06/2016 10:24

I don't know why you/DH feel you have to sort them out, they're grown adults! He simply needs to say in a very friendly well ok, didn't know that about your parents, just let me know what you plan to do, looking forward to travelling together. And stay firm on your decision not to let them stay and only to do a local pick-up.

redskirt3 · 10/06/2016 10:24

You are NOT being unreasonable. It doesn't work for you to have them stay. Full stop. (Isn't that the same phrase he used about staying with his parents? !).

Original poster
yorkshapudding · 10/06/2016 10:41

problembottom (love the username btw), I think you've probably summed up DH's feelings on the matter. This friend (and a couple of others) have form for relying on DH to organise everything. For example, this friend suggested a few of them go to a festival last year. A couple of days before it emerged that most of them hadn't got tents or given any thought to how they would get there and back etc. They just rang DH and said "what's the plan?" When they got there (driven by DH) none of them had packed the right stuff so we're constantly asking DH "have you got X I can borrow?" and only a couple of them had thought to bring any booze but those that didn't happily helped themselves. DH saw the funny side at the time but he did say he felt like their Dad and I think he's a bit fed up of the dynamic.

OP posts:
RaeSkywalker · 10/06/2016 10:59

I don't think you're BU at all. It sounds like these friends rely heavily on your DH and he's had enough. If your DH is happy to stick with things are they are (friends not staying), I'd carry on- he's the one that will have to deal with awkwardness at the wedding, and if he's prepared for that then fine.

Just as a contrast- one of my friends is getting married near my home in October. My best friend lives 4 hours away and is also invited, so we asked if her and her DH would like to stay here for a couple of nights to save on hotels. I've since become pregnant, will be 8 months by the date of the wedding. I also have HG. She called me last week to say she's decided to book into a hotel because she doesn't want me stressing about being a host at an already difficult and tiring time.

GabsAlot · 10/06/2016 11:06

navy ive asked many people for petrol-im not a taxi service even if im going there like others have said extra people/luggage cost more to run the car

if u let people off they take the piss time and again

blindsider · 10/06/2016 11:10

I think frankly it is entirely reasonable for people without cars to pay petrol money, 1) They are in a position when the alternative is paid public transport 2) They cannot reciprocate.

RaeSkywalker · 10/06/2016 11:14

It just sounds like these friends have taken advantage for too long, and the fuel money request has come from that.

I have a uni friend who doesn't drive, so when we met up after graduation, myself and others used to collect her and drop her off, always at times that she dictated. If I go out and someone gives me a lift I will offer to buy them a drink or something to say thanks- my friend did none of those things. One of our other friends snapped at her about it once. She always offers now, and I always say no but thanks for offering.

It was more the lack of acknowledgement that we were going out of our way for her. That was galling. It felt like an expectation in her part. I can understand why your DH has put his foot down about this.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 10/06/2016 11:34

My husband goes away for work for between three to six weeks. He also gets up at 4am to leave. No way would I have guests staying the night before and having more people possibly disrupting the kids at that time. We spend time him and the kids together the night before then me and him get 'an early night'. There's often last minute things need done too. The last thing I'd want in your situation of being busy with hospital visits, a busy stressful week at work is getting the place ready for guests and then having to host.

Yanbu to say sorry it doesn't work for us this time. He has other options he can use.

Also surely as a friend the nice thing to do when you have been saved the inconvenience and cost of public transport is to offer to split the petrol costs so your friend's also benefiting from giving you a lift. I use to give my workmate petrol money when she gave me a lift to work despite her passing my house anyway. Then we both benefited from the car sharing.

Ramblesoften · 10/06/2016 11:40

I must be in the mug camp as I don't see how they're taking the piss asking to stay over when they're all leaving at 5am.

It it were my friends I wouldn't hesitate to have them the night before.

I'm stressed / busy at work so you'll understand I'm not feeling sociable, you can see to yourselves..

Simple.

It's like they're coming for a social call anyway.

Makes sense to me !

YABU

Ramblesoften · 10/06/2016 11:41

It's the people like that type comments.

They're friends not Mary & Joseph looking for somewhere to bed down?

Ramblesoften · 10/06/2016 11:48

Also saying no to reduce your stress levels won't reduce your stress levels if you're feeling guilty / mulling it over.

I'm terrible for that myself,
Say no to make a stand,
Feel guilty - think it through.
Retract original decision & say yes in the end anyway.

ceebie · 10/06/2016 12:09

YANBU

Yes it's lovely to be nice when possible.

But not when at the expense of your own stress and inconvenience.

This friend doesn't seem to offer the same consideration in return.

Stick to your guns or you will end up resentful and the friendship will suffer anyway.

BibbityBobbityCunt · 10/06/2016 12:16

Is it just me who still thinks the dh would be doing a favour by leaving a little earlier and going a little our of his way to collect friends from another friends house/Travelodge?

ENormaSnob · 10/06/2016 13:09

Yanbu at all.

Osirus · 10/06/2016 15:00

They are not unreasonable to ask and you are definitely not being unreasonable, mean, or whatever by saying no. They are being unreasonable by not listening when told it would be difficult for them to stay. A reasonable person and good friend would have accepted it at this point.

If my DP was going away and I wanted some time with him I would say no too. I can't stand people who push and take advantage of nice people.

Osirus · 10/06/2016 15:01

Also, nothing wrong with asking for fuel money. Why should they get a free ride to the wedding when your DH is having to pay to get himself there? I'm a non-driver and always offer to pay my share.

BlueLeopard · 10/06/2016 15:56

They've already booked a hotel room for the night of the wedding so all they have to do is add another night onto that booking for the eve of the wedding.

But far better for them to drag your DH out of bed early to do a round trip to collect them, put you out by having to prep a meal /bed/ breakfast for them, plus disrupting your household in other ways, and likely you wont so much as get a bottle of wine for your trouble. Meh, they are freeloaders and I'd tell them that the offer of a lift has been withdrawn too.

leelu66 · 10/06/2016 16:39

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Original poster
yorkshapudding · 10/06/2016 17:00

Bit of an update, DH rang friend and said that he's really sorry he's fallen out with his parents but it still isn't a good time for us to be putting people up so is there anywhere else they could stay? Apparently, friend was very non committal and said "well I suppose I could ask around but doubt I'll be able to find anywhere as it's short notice". Anyway, he then emailed DH later to say that they're staying with a mutual friend of ours who lives a few minutes drive away. It makes sense actually as this guy works nights so won't be disturbed by them getting up and leaving in the early hours. There was a comment along the lines of "he doesn't have a proper bed for us to sleep in but it'll be ok for one night". We have been to this person's house many times before and know that he has a perfectly good sofabed in his spare room. DH is going to swing by and pick them the next morning and drive them to the wedding as agreed.

I'm hoping that's an end to the whole daft business now and that they won't hold it against us since it's the only time in ten years we have said no to putting them up but we'll see I suppose.

OP posts:
bumbleymummy · 10/06/2016 17:03

Glad it's been sorted out :)

NarkyKnockers · 10/06/2016 17:03

Seems like a good solution. Your dh is still saving them a fare down there so really has nothing to feel bad about.