Are we BU or are they?

[yorkshapudding]

In a weeks time DH is going away for a couple of days to attend a good friends wedding a few hours drive away (I'm not able to go due to work), this has been planned for well over a year. A week ago he had a text from a mutual friend of the B&G who is also going to the wedding saying that since he and his partner don't drive they had "sort of assumed" that they would get a lift with DH but wanted to check this was ok with him. No mention of petrol money. DH was a bit put out by the assumption but isn't one to take offence easily and replied saying ok but you'll have to make your way to ours (they aren't local to us, they live in a city about 1.5 hrs drive away from us and not on the way to the wedding location) and will need you to chip in for fuel. Friend replies "ok will meet at your house just let us know what time". DH says they need to leave at 5am to make it to the wedding. No response from friend. DH assumes all fine.

Today DH receives another text from friend "is it cool if we stay at yours the night before the wedding as we can't get there for 5am". DH and I are not keen on this idea for a number of reasons. Firstly and most importantly, immediately after the wedding DH will be going away for work for three weeks so we were hoping to spend some quality time just him, me and DD (2.5). I also have a particularly manic week at work that week due to a large event I'm organising and could really do without entertaining midweek overnight guests. Also, I dont fancy trying to keep a toddler asleep through the sound of three people getting up at 4am, using bathrooms, wandering about etc and then getting up for work myself at 6.30am. So DH emails friend, explains the above and suggests they stay with friends parents (who live a 5 minute drive from us) and he'll pick them up in the morning on the way to the wedding. Friend texts back saying that "doesn't work" for him as he's recently fallen out with his parents and isn't speaking to them.

AIBU and a complete cow to think that this is not our problem? DH thinks he should tell them they need to find a hotel local to us and he'll collect them and drive them to the wedding as agreed or if they don't want to do that they can make their own travel arrangements. They both have good jobs so as far as we are aware money is not an issue. My gut reaction is that they're cheeky feckers and DH is right but we're both quite stressed at the moment due to work and illness on both sides of the family so just not sure whether we're being unduly harsh.

Thank you everyone for your replies. The vast majority of you have been very kind, even the ones who feel IABU

Everyone in RL is always telling me to "put myself first", that I need to stop worrying so much about other people and learn to say no once in a while etc. So I suppose this time I thought "fuck it, I will" but honestly what's the point of putting yourself first if it just makes you feel like shit?

DH still doesn't think we're BU (apart from the petrol thing as I said before) and pointed out last night that the friend does have several other friends in our town that he could ask to stay with but I think he prefers to stay at ours because he always gets dinner cooked for him, breakfast the next morning etc. whereas the other friends are single blokes and it's more "there's your bed, sort yourself out" type of thing. Anyway, if it was down to me I think i'd probably just tell them they can stay at this point because I can't be doing with feeling guilty on top of feeling stressed out and as several posters have pointed out its only one night. DH is being uncharacteristically firm on this though (he's normally so laid back he's horizontal) and has said he's going to ring friend today and tell him that he's sorry he's fallen out with his parents but that he needs to try to find somewhere else to stay. I know if they're genuinely stuck for somewhere DH will end up letting them stay though.

You end up feeling uncomfortable either way.

gosh,if they come late in the evening and leave at 5 am, then they I would just let them stay. I think you are making it very complicated. It is just one short night and they are friends (at least DH's).

If they are coming back by train any reason why they can't get there by train?

OP, you've nothing to feel guilty about.

I think you agreed with another poster yesterday that he is a pisstaker. And he is.

Why should he always get hospitality from you or DH but never return any? If he appreciated you, he would take you and DH out for dinner sometimes when he stays over. Do they ever bring anything, like flowers, cake, etc?

I can't really get worked up about it tbh, some people are just fly by the seat if their pants sorts. Often they are the most fun. A good friend I would have them stay- albeit probably reluctantly - and have a fun night all 4 of us (baby will be in bed for most of it wont she?)

I mean, realistically you were leaving at 5am and they don't drive - they couldn't have got to you from their city 1.5 hours away for 5am could they? Anyway I wouldn't have trusted them not to make you late!

If I didn't like the person it would be different of course!

Buck OP and her DH assumed the pisstaker would stay with his parents, who live 5 minutes away from the OP, and that DH would collect him and his gf in the morning.

A very reasonable assumption.

I wonder why he has fallen out with parents. Maybe they got wise to his ways.

Why cant they travel down by train and stay in a hotel overnight the night before the wedding?

I think it is unreasonable to ask people with no transport to arrive at a house for 5am - who could do that? But at the same time they are being unreasonable expecting you to pander to their needs.

You've ended up (inadvertently I know) making this situation into a much bigger stress than it needed to be OP. Maybe if that's what you do often and thats why people IRL tell you to put yourself first?

It's annoying but I'd say yes. I don't think I'd feel comfortable saying no under the circumstances, even though they are being a cheeky.

The guilt is what cheeky feckers bank on!

Wedding been planned for OVER A YEAR and he AND HIS WIFE leave it to week before to organise getting there (are you sure? Or was someone else taking them, they've pissed them off with the mug taking and been told to fuck off?!)

ASSUMED your dh would give him a lift 3 HOURS out of his way.

Didn't offer petrol money - I've been a driver and non driver. As a driver if finances allowed I'd turn down offers of petrol money, but if skint I'd take it. Extra weight from people and luggage increases the cost. As a non driver I ALWAYS offered. If refused I get them a gift. The very least is they show appreciation which this cheeky git isn't.

ASKED to stay. I would never ask unless an emergency, none of my friends would either.

REFUSING to take no for an answer that's just bloody rude!

NOT EVER returning the favour pp's child is a toddler, but the cheeky fecker and ops dh been 'friends' a long time. Therefore no 'can't cope with kids' excuse.

wouldn't put himself out if situation were reversed is there really more to say here?

To the posters attacking other posters for being shit friends...

Friends don't assume
Friends understand if you've shit going on and try to help NOT make things harder!
Friends take no for an answer
Friends don't back you into a corner - they back off and apologise for making you feel obligated

I have friends I've had for over 30 years. I've put them up and given them lifts, babysat their kids, pet sit for them etc etc and vice versa. I've even taken friends in who were stuck following relationship breakdown, job loss etc and friends that have done same for me.

I would never behave like this cheeky fecker and neither would any of my friends. Anyone I've come across who does behave like this, doesn't stay in my life long.

I think they should get the train the night before and stay in a hotel near the wedding.

You can only give so much of yourself and you have a lot on. Including a young baby you don't want woken before an important day at work.

If I were your friend I would take the no with good grace and make other plans, surely they should too?

A favour isn't a friendly gesture if you've been pressured into it. And they have alternatives. Getting there under their own steam is appropriate and fair.

This is about money, it must be. He lives more than an hour away from you and thinks that blagging a lift is convenient? It isn't. The sensible thing for him to do is get the train both ways - he seems happy enough to get the train home . Why on earth would it occur to anyone to travel 90 mins out of their way, stay away an extra night unnecessarily? He's trying to save the train fare.

I'd be saying "look mate, this getting too complicated, just get the train".

Bit of a derail but...

'some people are just fly by the seat if their pants sorts. Often they are the most fun'

I disagree, they HAVE the most fun leaving pissed off, guilty (for no reason), used and abused buggers in their wake!

I assumed he can't get a train that early? If OPs DH has to leave at 5am

Bacon you sound really hard work lol. Letting a friend stay isn't unusual, you've brought it up as if it proves you are super friend.

Some people are just more laid back. Everyone is different

Hard work? That's insulting!

'I have friends I've had for over 30 years. I've put them up and given them lifts, babysat their kids, pet sit for them etc etc and vice versa. I've even taken friends in who were stuck following relationship breakdown, job loss etc'

And I've done so at short notice a number of times too, how the HELL does that make me hard work?

Being a friend does NOT equal being a mug!

No you sound hard work because you are getting so worked up over something that isn't a big deal (especially for you)

Now it's a problem

Yes and the op has CLEARLY explained why.

Just tell them to get a train TO wherever they're getting the train home from. If its close enough they can afford to decline DH's offer to drop them off there after the wedding, it's close enough to make their own way to the wedding or at a push to ask DH if he MINDS picking them up.

DH said no, there are plenty of other options available and his friend wouldn't put himself out. Just. Say. No.

There must be something else behind this story

Not sure what you're getting at. I've been pretty forthcoming with information I think. Friend has stayed many times before, yes, but we feel that our current circumstances are a bit different. We've spent almost every evening for the past few weeks with one of us looking after DD while the other transports non driving relatives to see DH's dad or my Grandad in hospital (one 40 mins away, one over an hour away in the other direction) and are combining this with demanding jobs that are particularly busy at the moment so we could do without having guests right now, particularly guests who (although nice people) never reciprocate and we only tend to hear from when they need a lift or a place to stay. But I have already conceded that I'm probably BU and it's only one night etc.

But it's also the fact you've now spent so much time worrying and conversing with DH about it when you have so little time anyway, that it's become such a big deal