Are we BU or are they?

[yorkshapudding]

In a weeks time DH is going away for a couple of days to attend a good friends wedding a few hours drive away (I'm not able to go due to work), this has been planned for well over a year. A week ago he had a text from a mutual friend of the B&G who is also going to the wedding saying that since he and his partner don't drive they had "sort of assumed" that they would get a lift with DH but wanted to check this was ok with him. No mention of petrol money. DH was a bit put out by the assumption but isn't one to take offence easily and replied saying ok but you'll have to make your way to ours (they aren't local to us, they live in a city about 1.5 hrs drive away from us and not on the way to the wedding location) and will need you to chip in for fuel. Friend replies "ok will meet at your house just let us know what time". DH says they need to leave at 5am to make it to the wedding. No response from friend. DH assumes all fine.

Today DH receives another text from friend "is it cool if we stay at yours the night before the wedding as we can't get there for 5am". DH and I are not keen on this idea for a number of reasons. Firstly and most importantly, immediately after the wedding DH will be going away for work for three weeks so we were hoping to spend some quality time just him, me and DD (2.5). I also have a particularly manic week at work that week due to a large event I'm organising and could really do without entertaining midweek overnight guests. Also, I dont fancy trying to keep a toddler asleep through the sound of three people getting up at 4am, using bathrooms, wandering about etc and then getting up for work myself at 6.30am. So DH emails friend, explains the above and suggests they stay with friends parents (who live a 5 minute drive from us) and he'll pick them up in the morning on the way to the wedding. Friend texts back saying that "doesn't work" for him as he's recently fallen out with his parents and isn't speaking to them.

AIBU and a complete cow to think that this is not our problem? DH thinks he should tell them they need to find a hotel local to us and he'll collect them and drive them to the wedding as agreed or if they don't want to do that they can make their own travel arrangements. They both have good jobs so as far as we are aware money is not an issue. My gut reaction is that they're cheeky feckers and DH is right but we're both quite stressed at the moment due to work and illness on both sides of the family so just not sure whether we're being unduly harsh.

Jay, I know what you mean. Normally we are more than happy to have houseguests. I suppose it just feels as though there's enough chaos going on around us at the moment as it is. But like I said before I realise that isn't my friends fault.

What an awful position.

Maybe state you are right now in one of the most stressful time of the year. Work event, family health issues who could escalate at any time, and any other occasion it would be yes, but not this one, really sorry. One thing is your DH - who knows his way around the house - getting up at 4 and leaving the house at 5, but three people doesn't work.

I'm surprised some of you have got any friends judging by the amount of indignation and offence taken when one close friend asks a perfectly reasonable thing of another.

Why on earth are they not getting the train there too? And why didn't they sort this out months ago?

I would be very peeved.

'I'm surprised some of you have got any friends judging by the amount of indignation and offence taken when one close friend asks a perfectly reasonable thing of another.'

But it wasn't reasonable for the OP or her DH. So he explained this. And the 'friend' still won't take no for an answer. That's unreasonable of him.

He clearly has not a clue about how disruptive this will be for you. And doesn't care either.

You said he 'doesn't do anything out of obligation'. Hmmm ... so why should you??

(I know people like this! They are hard work!)

i ask for petrol money dont know if u know this it cost more when theres more people/luggage in a car

also if theyre getting the train back anyway it prob wont cost them that much more to get a return

I'm in two minds. I don't think YABU to say no but I also don't think he WBU to ask to stay.

You didn't know he wasn't speaking to his parents so assumed he was staying there. He I'm assuming doesn't know or understand the stress you're under and you've let him stay before so he would wonder why not now.

I personally think you should suggest he stays elsewhere but if he really cannot find somewhere else let him stay it's only one night.
This wedding sounds expensive already without adding the price of a travel lodge.

As a none driver current learner weddings and things are very stressful trying to arrange travel. So could be slightly biased.

Put you and your little family first please OP.

Look after your health and wellbeing - you are not responsible for this friend - please don't assume his worries .

And equally if he was such a good friend he would be understanding of the reasons as to why this would put undue stress on you at the moment.

Don't be harsh on yourself and don't accept any other posters being harsh on you either.

You've said you're having a difficult time lately so be kind to yourself.

YANBU. Cheeky feckers! (as a previous post said)

Don't want to say YABU as you are quite clearly on edge.

This wouldn't be a problem to me. At all. Quality time before a 5am start is going to happen the night before said early start for us. The person getting up at silly o clock puts the children to bed then gets an early night themselves. Quality time happens before and after the trip. (It's a few weeks, he is coming back!)
Happy to take people in my car aswell. I spent years as a non driver and would never have asked, would always have made my own arrangements but knowing know how difficult that can be, would always try and offer an easier option if I could. And never charge petrol money!
My kids sleep through usual getting ready noises during those early hours too.
I'm easy going and my house is open to my friends and family. I like having friends I can call on and like knowing they can call on me. A bit of inconvenience wouldn't tend to rile me.

But I'm not you and vice versa.

Sorry, that should be Quality time before a 5am start is NOT going to happen

I don't think YABU, the main reasons to be honest being that the wedding next week has been planned for over a year, and the friend sort of assumed that they'd be getting a lift, but has only just announced this. As one of my time-honoured phrases goes, "Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups".

He may well be a good mate, but to make assumptions like that just speaks of laziness and/or the expectation that your mate (as in, your DH) will come through for you, because he always has before. Sorry chuck, but on this occasion we can't be as accommodating as usual - here's the number of the nearest Travelodge. See you at 5am!

Say no. You really, really are not being unreasonable. Any decent person would understand that it's not always possible to have guests. Doesn't matter the length of time.
We have to as well think about ourselves and put ourselves first. They have other options that don't involve having over night guests who will make a load of noise. Which will have a knock on effect on your energy levels.

YANBU I would definitely want a nice quiet evening with dh once the kids were in bed if he was going away. And if you have house guests then you WILL be up from 4:30 with your lo and have to go to work. Your DH is doing them a favour driving them. I would certainly suggest Travelodge and if they refuse then a 'sorry the lift's not worked out - looking forward to seeing you there'.

YANBU.

Tell the cheeky man-child to book a hotel. It's not fair to disrupt the routine of your own children.

YANBU!

They can stay in a b&b and get a taxi to yours.

So he's not the type to reciprocate favours or to go out of his way for you? The. No guilt whatever in saying that this doesn't work for you. If they're getting the train back it's going to be so much easier for everyone and probably cheaper for them for them to get the train there.

Asking for petrol money is definantly acceptable if the wedding is a long way away, even if you were going there anyway.

Also, I think it's reaonable to expect them to stay at their parents. Having people to stay, even for one night can cause a lot of work for the host.

If they are catching the train home, it would be a lot cheaper for them to get a return ticket and go by train also.

This wouldn't bother me but, can see why some would be offended. YANBU though if you feel that way