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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we BU or are they?

203 replies

yorkshapudding · 09/06/2016 19:38

In a weeks time DH is going away for a couple of days to attend a good friends wedding a few hours drive away (I'm not able to go due to work), this has been planned for well over a year. A week ago he had a text from a mutual friend of the B&G who is also going to the wedding saying that since he and his partner don't drive they had "sort of assumed" that they would get a lift with DH but wanted to check this was ok with him. No mention of petrol money. DH was a bit put out by the assumption but isn't one to take offence easily and replied saying ok but you'll have to make your way to ours (they aren't local to us, they live in a city about 1.5 hrs drive away from us and not on the way to the wedding location) and will need you to chip in for fuel. Friend replies "ok will meet at your house just let us know what time". DH says they need to leave at 5am to make it to the wedding. No response from friend. DH assumes all fine.

Today DH receives another text from friend "is it cool if we stay at yours the night before the wedding as we can't get there for 5am". DH and I are not keen on this idea for a number of reasons. Firstly and most importantly, immediately after the wedding DH will be going away for work for three weeks so we were hoping to spend some quality time just him, me and DD (2.5). I also have a particularly manic week at work that week due to a large event I'm organising and could really do without entertaining midweek overnight guests. Also, I dont fancy trying to keep a toddler asleep through the sound of three people getting up at 4am, using bathrooms, wandering about etc and then getting up for work myself at 6.30am. So DH emails friend, explains the above and suggests they stay with friends parents (who live a 5 minute drive from us) and he'll pick them up in the morning on the way to the wedding. Friend texts back saying that "doesn't work" for him as he's recently fallen out with his parents and isn't speaking to them.

AIBU and a complete cow to think that this is not our problem? DH thinks he should tell them they need to find a hotel local to us and he'll collect them and drive them to the wedding as agreed or if they don't want to do that they can make their own travel arrangements. They both have good jobs so as far as we are aware money is not an issue. My gut reaction is that they're cheeky feckers and DH is right but we're both quite stressed at the moment due to work and illness on both sides of the family so just not sure whether we're being unduly harsh.

OP posts:
purplebud · 09/06/2016 20:14

This really isn't your problem. They need to sort themselves out with a cheap hotel nearby or take themselves to the wedding.

familysizepack · 09/06/2016 20:16

If they have the means to travel by themselves I'd say they're being cheeky to assume dh will take them and inconvenience your family.

Yanbu.

TempusEedjit · 09/06/2016 20:16

YANBU. Fair enough if you'd offered the lift originally but with them "sort of assuming" along with not volunteering petrol money at the start - it's time for them to fit in with you not the other way round. They're acting like you're the ones who've asked them for a favour!

NavyAndWhite · 09/06/2016 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FinderofNeedles · 09/06/2016 20:17

Navy, can they stay at yours then? Grin

This is 'favour creep'. They'll ask for more and more: 1 night at yours, then 2 nights, in your bed of course because of the friend's bad back, then meals as well, then can you do their laundry, do some food shopping for them, pick up some flowers for Aunty Blah, etc. Your DH will end up feeling so bad that he is saying 'sorry we can't do that' to each request, that collecting them at stupid o'clock from some out of the way hotel will seem like the least he can do for them.

Decide on your boundaries then just keep repeating 'sorry that doesn't work for us'.

NavyAndWhite · 09/06/2016 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marymaymay · 09/06/2016 20:19

I figure this is the kind of things mates do for each other...

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 09/06/2016 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Windsofwinter · 09/06/2016 20:20

YABU. They are long-time friends of DH. It's one night.

ABCAlwaysBeCunting · 09/06/2016 20:22

I will always try and help a friend out, but the OP's friends rather come across as a bit piss-taking, TBH.

HanYOLO · 09/06/2016 20:23

YANBU

Though it was always going to be hard for them to get 1.5 hours on public transport for 5am

Just a sorry, we still can't have you should be fine.

Hassled · 09/06/2016 20:23

So they live 1.5 hours away from you in the wrong direction but assumed that your DH would give them a lift? If they were 10 minutes down the road that would make a degree of sense, but 1.5 hours away?

You have lots of good reasons why them staying doesn't suit you - the Travelodge option seems like a good one.

GabsAlot · 09/06/2016 20:26

nothing worse than people assuming then taking the piss

op says shes under alot of stress atm why should she have to put people up

MurphysChild · 09/06/2016 20:26

It's simply not your fault that they don't drive, live 1.5 hours from you and nowhere near the wedding and have also fallen out with their parents.

They are completely unreasonable, how the hell are they getting home?

EttaJ · 09/06/2016 20:26

Ugh I can't bare people like that. They just assume that they can get a lift. Then it's oh and can we stay with you. Leeches.

Bambooshoots14 · 09/06/2016 20:27

Why do they need to pay petrol money if your DH was driving there anyway

Surely dc will be in bed in the evening so not sure how much quality time you'll get

It's a one off. Stop being a party pooper

Bringmewineandcake · 09/06/2016 20:27

Yanbu!! How are they getting to yours the night before? How do they plan to get home after the wedding? First they assume they'll get a lift with your DH, then they want to stay over, it will never end. "Oh it's ok if we crash at yours after the wedding, yeah?" "DH won't mind driving us home the next day, yeah?"
If it were me I'd simply text back something like "sorry to hear you've fallen out with your parents! It's simply not workable for you to stay with us this time, let us know if you still want a lift".

leelu66 · 09/06/2016 20:28

I couldn't.

Have them to stay. YANBU at all.

'Sort of assumed'? 'Doesn't work for us'? They sound entitled. They know you would prefer they wouldn't stay with you but they're pushing it. That's not friendship.

Original poster
yorkshapudding · 09/06/2016 20:29

Don't you put yourselves out for friends?

We do. Regularly. This particular friend has asked to sta y at our house many times when he's been in the area for work/to go to gigs etc and this is the first time we've ever not said yes right away. We've never been invited to stay with them and maybe I'm feeling like it's a bit one sided. On the other hand maybe I'm just being uncharitable because I'm stressed at the moment.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 09/06/2016 20:30

YANBU. They make a lot of assumptions. No wonder he fell out with his parents. They probably get sick of his pisstaking.

They assumed he'd drive 1.5 hours of this way to get them, for free, and then when told NO to staying at yours, don't take that 'no' for an answer.

I'm with your DH. I'd tell him to go ahead and ring them back and tell them to get a Travelodge. That staying with his parents 'doesn't work' for him isn't your problem.

NavyAndWhite · 09/06/2016 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mirandawest · 09/06/2016 20:31

If you know they don't drive then for them to be at your house at 5am then they were going to have to stay the night before weren't they? I don't see how it could have worked otherwise.

(I think they are being cheeky to assume your DH would drive them anyway, but I think if I had asked and you'd said yes that I'd assume it was all right to stay the night before as well).

Discobabe · 09/06/2016 20:34

How cheeky. I would never assume anyone would take me anywhere, and if I asked i would offer petrol money, it's called manners and not taking the piss. I'd not want the hassle the night before either if I had a busy week. They should have thought it through and sorted themselves. If they said we're going to book a hotel and you offered to have them it would be different. I think it's just rude to assume you will put them up too.

FinderofNeedles · 09/06/2016 20:35

To those of you saying 'of course he should stay' - which bit of 'I'm stressed already' do you not get? She's put him up many times before. This ONE time it doesn't work for her/them. It's a wedding that's been planned for a year. The friend has a cheek not making proper plans long before now.
YANBU.

Original poster
yorkshapudding · 09/06/2016 20:37

If you know they don't drive then for them to be at your house at 5am then they were going to have to stay the night before weren't they?

We assumed that, as they didn't ask to stay at the time, they would stay with his parents. We had no idea they had fallen out.

OP posts: