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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we BU or are they?

203 replies

yorkshapudding · 09/06/2016 19:38

In a weeks time DH is going away for a couple of days to attend a good friends wedding a few hours drive away (I'm not able to go due to work), this has been planned for well over a year. A week ago he had a text from a mutual friend of the B&G who is also going to the wedding saying that since he and his partner don't drive they had "sort of assumed" that they would get a lift with DH but wanted to check this was ok with him. No mention of petrol money. DH was a bit put out by the assumption but isn't one to take offence easily and replied saying ok but you'll have to make your way to ours (they aren't local to us, they live in a city about 1.5 hrs drive away from us and not on the way to the wedding location) and will need you to chip in for fuel. Friend replies "ok will meet at your house just let us know what time". DH says they need to leave at 5am to make it to the wedding. No response from friend. DH assumes all fine.

Today DH receives another text from friend "is it cool if we stay at yours the night before the wedding as we can't get there for 5am". DH and I are not keen on this idea for a number of reasons. Firstly and most importantly, immediately after the wedding DH will be going away for work for three weeks so we were hoping to spend some quality time just him, me and DD (2.5). I also have a particularly manic week at work that week due to a large event I'm organising and could really do without entertaining midweek overnight guests. Also, I dont fancy trying to keep a toddler asleep through the sound of three people getting up at 4am, using bathrooms, wandering about etc and then getting up for work myself at 6.30am. So DH emails friend, explains the above and suggests they stay with friends parents (who live a 5 minute drive from us) and he'll pick them up in the morning on the way to the wedding. Friend texts back saying that "doesn't work" for him as he's recently fallen out with his parents and isn't speaking to them.

AIBU and a complete cow to think that this is not our problem? DH thinks he should tell them they need to find a hotel local to us and he'll collect them and drive them to the wedding as agreed or if they don't want to do that they can make their own travel arrangements. They both have good jobs so as far as we are aware money is not an issue. My gut reaction is that they're cheeky feckers and DH is right but we're both quite stressed at the moment due to work and illness on both sides of the family so just not sure whether we're being unduly harsh.

OP posts:
NavyAndWhite · 09/06/2016 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leeds2 · 09/06/2016 20:42

I think, given friend has stayed at yours many times before, he may have assumed he would be welcome.

Personally, I would let them stay (whilst groaning throughout!). But I don't think YWBU to tell them to book the Travel Lodge. They are also being unreasonable to push it once your DH has made your position clear.

ParadiseCity · 09/06/2016 20:42

Piss takers. I would say 'You can't stay here as we have too much else going on right now. This is getting too complicated - lets scrap the lift, you can catch a train, and I'll meet you at the wedding'

NavyAndWhite · 09/06/2016 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

passmyglass · 09/06/2016 20:46

Navy, I think its the way hes asked (ie not asked) which makes it more of a problem.
OP you are N at all BU.

More to the point, where the hell is this wedding?! If money isnt an option and he would have to get to yours by 5 anyway, why cant he just get a TRAIN to the location, the night before if necassary and stay in a hotel? Problem solved, no?

RubbishMantra · 09/06/2016 20:47

And re. petrol money - I think they should've at least offered. Just manners really.

HeartsofOak · 09/06/2016 20:47

They really should just travel to the wedding location the night before under their own steam and stay in a hotel there.

Wet friends you have OP Grin I'd tell him get a fecking backbone.

ParadiseCity · 09/06/2016 20:49

NavyAndWhite, I would, I realise it sounds harsh/firm but this is a total freeloader of a friend. Wants a free lift to somewhere hours away, wants to stay overnight despite it being thoroughly inconvenient. They just sound like a pain in the arse and I have very low tolerance for people like that.

NavyAndWhite · 09/06/2016 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Woodhill · 09/06/2016 20:56

Can't they kiss and make up with their own family. It sounds like the perfect occasion.

I can see both sides. Why can't they just go on their own or go to wedding the day before and stay ther instead

Thingvellir · 09/06/2016 21:05

If it were me, I'd let them stay, they are friends after all. I might ask them to come after the DC would be in bed to ensure we got our family time (not sure how old your DC are, mine go to bed at 8pm)

It will be easier for your DH in the morning to have them there and not go and pick them up somewhere else.

The other options of withdrawing the lift etc will create bad feeling and this is not worth losing a genuine friendship over. Do the nice thing.

EyefulTower · 09/06/2016 21:09

I think they've been really cheeky, to put it mildly. If your dh was happy to help and it was convenient to you, then say yes. If not (which is clearly the case here) say no. They have no problem saying to you 'X doesn't work for us', you need to tell them that 'Y doesn't work for you'. Just tell them you have a lot going on at home and you're not going to be able to accommodate them this time, see you at the wedding (or not, as they obviously won't make it).

lougle · 09/06/2016 21:12

Tricky. Is there a Travel Lodge near by?

Dbsparkles · 09/06/2016 21:15

Of course you should let them stay. I'd be mardy about it, but at the end of the day it's only one night.

NervousRider · 09/06/2016 21:18

As previous posters have asked - what are the coming back arrangements?

GabsAlot · 09/06/2016 21:18

hes never invited them to stay did anyone catch that?

i think that is being a freeloader personally

i never assume i can stay at someones even if ive stayed before even at my sisters

Peppermintea · 09/06/2016 21:33

I think it's mean to not let them stay. They're close friends and it's only one night. Just ask them to arrive a bit later.

Do people really ask friends to give them cash for petrol when they'd be using the petrol anyway?

Original poster
yorkshapudding · 09/06/2016 21:34

Tricky. Is there a Travel Lodge near by?

There is. And several other Travelodge type places.

To answer a couple of other points..

DH has no intention of withdrawing his offer of a lift.

There is no question of them staying here the night after the wedding as DH is not able to come home before his work trip so the morning after the wedding he has offered to drop them at the nearest train station and then go straight to his work thing. They said they'd rather make their own way to the station later as they'd rather not get up early and be on the train with hangovers, which is fair enough.

Yes, he has stayed many times before so it was not unreasonable of him to think he might be able to stay again. I do feel it's different this time. DH has never been away from DD for three weeks before, I have never organised a work related event of this size before and we've never been in a situation where members of both our families are so unwell at the same time. I realise that none of those things are our friend's fault or his problem. I would like to think that if I were in his position I would understand but maybe I wouldn't.

OP posts:
Mouikey · 09/06/2016 21:36

YANBU whilst they are friends, sometimes we have to say no, friends should understand this (and actually ask if they can help with anything rather than add to the burden). The assumptions are what gets me especially seeing as they have know about this for a long time. Whilst you hubby should continue to offer the life they deffo need to sort their accommodation - and if also suggest sorting out the return part as I have a feeling they may be making further assumptions that are yet to be communicated!

IslaSinga · 09/06/2016 21:38

I'd let them stay - it's only one night and you might actually have fun!

Would they do the same for you?

SquidgeyMidgey · 09/06/2016 21:40

There is no question of them staying here the night after the wedding as DH is not able to come home before his work trip so the morning after the wedding he has offered to drop them at the nearest train station and then go straight to his work thing. They said they'd rather make their own way to the station later as they'd rather not get up early and be on the train with hangovers, which is fair enough.

Erm, why can't they get the train to the wedding?

YANBU at all, there are several good reasons why they shouldn't feel entitled to sty at your house. Please do not give in.

Original poster
yorkshapudding · 09/06/2016 21:45

Do people really ask friends to give them cash for petrol when they'd be using the petrol anyway?

Peppermint, I think this is a really fair point and no, this is not something DH or I would normally do so I did question him about it at the time. He said he thinks he went on the defensive as this particular friend (and a couple of others in the same group that also don't drive) have form for asking him for lifts (that involve him going sigificantly out of his way) and never offering to pay towards fuel. He did say at the time that he felt like a bit of a twat about it and wasn't going to mention petrol money again or if they did offer it would say "don't worry about it".

OP posts:
NavyAndWhite · 09/06/2016 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
yorkshapudding · 09/06/2016 21:52

Would they do the same for you?

Honestly, I'm not convinced he would. Which I suppose might be influencing our response. We have never been invited to stay with him, although I suspect this is partly as he doesn't like children. He's perfectly civil to DD but is very open about the fact that he finds small children dull so I can't see him wanting us all pitching up at his place. He's a nice guy but he's one of those people who doesn't do anything out of obligation, if he doesn't fancy doing something he simply won't do it.

OP posts:
JayDot500 · 09/06/2016 22:00

It's inconvenient but I'd say yes. Perhaps I enjoy the chaos that house guests bring, my life would be hugely boring without the random occurrences.

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