Are we BU or are they?

[yorkshapudding]

In a weeks time DH is going away for a couple of days to attend a good friends wedding a few hours drive away (I'm not able to go due to work), this has been planned for well over a year. A week ago he had a text from a mutual friend of the B&G who is also going to the wedding saying that since he and his partner don't drive they had "sort of assumed" that they would get a lift with DH but wanted to check this was ok with him. No mention of petrol money. DH was a bit put out by the assumption but isn't one to take offence easily and replied saying ok but you'll have to make your way to ours (they aren't local to us, they live in a city about 1.5 hrs drive away from us and not on the way to the wedding location) and will need you to chip in for fuel. Friend replies "ok will meet at your house just let us know what time". DH says they need to leave at 5am to make it to the wedding. No response from friend. DH assumes all fine.

Today DH receives another text from friend "is it cool if we stay at yours the night before the wedding as we can't get there for 5am". DH and I are not keen on this idea for a number of reasons. Firstly and most importantly, immediately after the wedding DH will be going away for work for three weeks so we were hoping to spend some quality time just him, me and DD (2.5). I also have a particularly manic week at work that week due to a large event I'm organising and could really do without entertaining midweek overnight guests. Also, I dont fancy trying to keep a toddler asleep through the sound of three people getting up at 4am, using bathrooms, wandering about etc and then getting up for work myself at 6.30am. So DH emails friend, explains the above and suggests they stay with friends parents (who live a 5 minute drive from us) and he'll pick them up in the morning on the way to the wedding. Friend texts back saying that "doesn't work" for him as he's recently fallen out with his parents and isn't speaking to them.

AIBU and a complete cow to think that this is not our problem? DH thinks he should tell them they need to find a hotel local to us and he'll collect them and drive them to the wedding as agreed or if they don't want to do that they can make their own travel arrangements. They both have good jobs so as far as we are aware money is not an issue. My gut reaction is that they're cheeky feckers and DH is right but we're both quite stressed at the moment due to work and illness on both sides of the family so just not sure whether we're being unduly harsh.

If that means being too nice and accommodating in the past buckinbronco then I'd say ok, otherwise I feel you're perhaps victim blaming a little.

It's easy for nice, genuinely helpful people to be taken advantage of by 'friends' like this and I suspect that OPs DH has wised up to this hence digging his heels in.

Even without all the other stresses OP has mentioned and the loss of a quiet evening together, the likelihood of curtailing the sleep of both me and my toddler by a couple of hours- and the knock on effect I would have to deal with alone as DH won't be around- would make me think twice. To do it for someone who is only considering their own comfort and convenience? Nope.

Don't get me wrong, I used to be much more of a people pleaser. Having reset my boundaries, I'm happier, a lot less stressed and strangely enough, command more respect for not allowing myself to be treated like a doormat.

Let your DH take his stand, watch and learn!

If money isn't an issue they can get themselves to the wedding OP.

Your friend sounds like a spoiled child back your DH up,if you say yes to staying when you really don't want to and with good reason next they'll be assuming your DH will pick them up from they're home the night before,that you'll let them stay make them dinner and get up at 3am and make them a cooked breakfast!

Just say No,your an adult and no matter what anyone else says if you don't want someone to stay that is enough of a reason end off!It's your home and your family,your not a holiday camp!
Enjoy the last little bit of time you,your DH and DC have together before your DH has to go away for work with no interuptions from anyone else.

Straw. Camel. Back.

I think you're being a bit mean OP sorry (I'm sorry because yousound lovely)

If it was one of your oldest friends, would you let them stay?

YANBU. If you've always stepped up and let him/them stay but this time you say... no, actually this time it is difficult... they should accept that.

You say they have other friends in the area, why the heck aren't they asking them? Or why don't they do what a PP says... catch a train to near the wedding and stay there the night before.

I'll put myself out lots for friends and acquaintances but I won't be ridden roughshod over, and nor should you.

But it's also the fact you've now spent so much time worrying and conversing with DH about it when you have so little time anyway, that it's become such a big deal

Fair point but to be honest we didn't anticipate it being a big deal at all. We thought that once DH had said sorry mate would you mind staying somewhere else this time (and explained the reasons why), friend would arrange to stay with family or one of his other friends locally and that would be that.

Why should the (female) op make all the sacrifices so that the (male) "friend" isn't inconvenienced?

The "friend" didn't actually asked just assumed. I'd be inclined to put myself out significantly for someone who made a polite request. Demands? Not so much

Sounds like he's been pisstaking a while. And yes, the whole issue is that the DH told the mate, 'Not this time' and even explained why. And instead of taking no for an answer, the mate then told the DH that didn't work for him. Well, tough shit! If that's not cheeky, what is? I'd leave it to the DH to tell the mate, again, that this time it doesn't work for him and his family.

If it was one of your oldest friends, would you let them stay?

If it was one of my friends I would have done the same, explained why it wasn't a good time for us and the reasons why. Maybe that's wrong of me but I would hate to think I was foisting myself on friends who were stressed out and going through a difficult time so assume others would feel the same. As I've said, it is DH who is currently digging his heels in and I have already conceded that we were probably BU.

If they are travelling 1.5 hours to you , why don't they just take the train to the wedding. Why would you 'assume' a lift is OK when you live 1.5 hours away - Mental.

OR depending on where they live vis a vis your DH's intended route get them to take the train to a station he is passing.

I think the whole situation is a huge fuss about nothing. Friend was a cheeky to say he assumes you DH would drive 1:30 hrs out of his way to pick them up but other than that I don't think they gave done anything wrong. It certainly wasn't wrong to ask to stay with you if they have stayed with you loads before.

However, I don't get why you are agnst'ing so much over simply saying that they can't. It's actually quite simple and requires no drama whatsoever.

The same goes with the petrol money. They should have offered upfront but for all you know they may have been planning on offering whilst you are on your way. However, if your DH wants petrol money you just ask for it and if he doesn't then don't ask for it. Behind the scenes huffing and puffing isn't go to achieve anything.

There is nothing wrong with you saying no to their request, you don't have to try and justify it.

You're not being unreasonable, yorkshire. This guy assumed your DH was going to drive 3 hours out of his way to collect them (for free). Then assumed he and his GF would stay at yours with hotel meal service. Then when your DH said no to staying, the guy wouldn't take no for an answer. That is completely pisstaking. FUCK feeling guilty. This person never reciprocates. You only hear from this person when he needs a lift/place to stay. Just tell your DH you completely support him and NO giving in. He has others he can stay with. He has money for a hotel.

Hidden, I agree they were not BU to ask if they could stay. We were just surprised they didn't take no for an answer when DH explained why it wasn't convenient. I completely agree it's been blown way out of proportion and we didn't anticipate any "drama", we just assumed that if we said no they would find someone else to stay with and that would be an end to it.

Just say NO!

You have enough on your plate at the moment, its not convenient so they should find an alternative.
The fact that they waited till now just porves they cba to get something organised themselves and just expected you to pick up the slack. I mean really who asks someone to collect them a 3 hour trip in the wrong direction at stupid o clock?
They obviously dont understand that friendship is a two way thing and they should on occaision help you out too but they never have, they are actually just lifes takers. Tell them to get a hotel and thats it, no more converations and if they persist tell them to go to the wedding town the day before and stay in a bloody hotel there. They are adults ffs, not kids, its not rocket science. They should have had this all sorted out months ago.

You dont need to accomodate people (who havent bothered to sort themselves out by now) when you have a lot on in your life, having 2 extra people who would obviously expect to be waited on hand and foot with meals and breakfast in the am is just crazy, you and dh need some time to yourselves before he leaves, even if its just one day/night, and that doesnt have to be justified to anyone.

YANBU, they're taking advantage. Say that it's not possible to have them stay, don't provide them with reasons why. Suggest a hotel nearby that is convenient and if this doesn't please them don't put yourself out. If they want a lift there they shouldn't make you go the extra mile (no pun intended). Hope the wedding goes all right and your hubby isn't made to feel awkward.

You cannot have this couple to stay OP. You have a baby and an important event at work the next morning. Plus you have been doing a lot of ferrying around with sick family.

I don't think you are being unreasonable in this situation. It was very rude for them to come back amd say they couldn't stay with parents. That's not your problem. At that point they should have taken it on board that it didn't suit you, made alternative arrangements and then sorted out a way to get to your house in the morning or, if it was nearby and on the way, asked if your DH could pick them up there instead of at parents' house.

You agreed to give him the lift but told him he couldn't stay at yours and suggested he stay at his parents. That should have ended it, you'd let him know you couldn't accommodate him overnight. He should have accepted that, but for him to then tell you he'd fallen out with his parents and couldn't do that is the cheeky part. What did he then expect you to do.
Give someone an inch and then take a mile.....never a truer saying.

It's not drama to acknowledge and try to reduce your own stress levels. We all have different capacities when it comes to coping under pressure.

Sorry, should have said DH not you.