ANOTHER PIL, well FIL thread. I'm shaking.

[lamingtonnutty]

I just need to rant, so I will try and make sense, but I'm shaking and furious.

FIL is staying with us for a while, and house/dog sitting whilst we are abroad. His ex wife (My MIL) warned me about him and warned my partner not to leave me alone with him, his sisters have also warned me about him. He has mental health issues and as my partner described 'crazy' ( I think he was joking, but not joking at the same time).

They arrived from the airport at the weekend, chatting away and woke the baby up, I asked them to be quite, they didn't and baby stayed awake until 10pm, I was fuming. Just shut up when I'm trying to put baby back to sleep! It's only me and my dp at home, so bedtimes are quite and calm, I was told he needs to sleep in noise, which he does in the daytime but not for bedtime. So, that didn't put us off to a good start. He had just arrived in my home and I think I deserved a little more respect.

The next day, again, bedtime I asked for quiet and sat down with the TV on snuggled up to my LO. (I had been trying to get him down for an hour before i had given into the TV). All throughout this he was watching videos on his laptop, loudly, I asked my dp to ask him to turn it down, and he did, barely. He did the same again last night, dp was busy so I had to turn him down. He didn't like that.

Then it came to a heads last night, I'm very nervous about leaving the house and my first big trip abroad with the baby, so I was trying to go over all things with the house - shower dripping, please do it up tightly - ant problem, please keep things clean and food away. General bits. I then mentioned, if anything big happens, you must contact real estate/landlords. He refused, saying he will have nothing to do with them, I said fine, but let us know and we will tell them. Again, refused. This upset me as it's a rented house, so its their responsibility. I tried to reiterate the point when he just said 'stop, enough', completely ignoring me. Now, if it has been my partner, his son saying this, he would have listening. I walked away, fuming at both of them. I spoke to my partner and said he has to support me, he agreed and apologised.
Oh, and he has also moved all my washing off where I've had it drying onto the stinky dog sofa, as it was in his way of where he wanted to sit (it wasn't)
Today, FIL ignored me all morning. He. Is. So. Rude. In my own home, we have paid for him to come over, and I'm fuming. He spent all morning feet up on the sofa, under the blanket, just in the way of me trying to have a day with my boy. His breakfast stuff all on the side, towel just left on the sofa. I just asked him if I could have my sofa back, so I can feed and settle my lo, he said no, I will not go because you told me to (I just asked if whilst I'm trying to put lo down, could he read in his room).

We get into a bit of a discussing (argument), I said I have felt disrespected since he arrived and this is my home so certain rules and a level of respect if expected of everything. He argued that this was actually his home anyway, that's how it went, he is now in his room as I refuse to be stuck in mine with an 8mo because he thinks he can commender my home.

He's fudging nuts. I know my partner needs to step up, and say something, but I need him (FIL) to know I will not be walked over in my own home.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense, I'm on my phone and typing in a fury! These probably don't seem like a lot, but he just creeps me out and I've tried to like him, and I don't. It probably didn't help I had a guard up after the warning from my partners family.

And yes, babies do sleep differently, but my boy is a pita to sleep, and my partner knows this, so if he goes down nicely, it's a blessing and he is teething. Partner and FIL know this. You would think he would be a little bit more understanding and accepting of his grandsons importance of sleep?

You're about to take your son in holiday-his sleeping pattern will be all over the place!

Maybe over the next couple of days you could extend an olive branch....so you feel happier whilst away.

Through , yes it'll be huge for my little one. Which is why it is so important this end of the trip he sleeps well!

For one night?

Seaeagle,

Thank you. I believe so to, it's a little different if it's friendS. But this is family, of all people , they should be understanding. I'm super uneasy, I'm actually hiding all important documents and paper work as I'm in the middle of applying for a visa and I don't feel comfortable leaving such documents around. He is very volatile if pushed and challenged. His daughter just warned me his MH issues are severe, I was aware and thought it was all under control (as much as they can be).

I do understand it's a favour, but he has no money, he would not be here if it weren't of us. He is here a week early to see his grandchild and son. For me, that sounds like a treat, considering he would of not had the opportunity to do so without us.

urprised at the hard time you're getting here in some reallky insensitive posts. Being a good hostess in your own home doesn't mean putting your entire life on hold for someone who says it's their house and is a misogynstic twit. Especially when you don't really want the favour in the first place and everyone who knows the man says that 1 night's stay is the max

I feel as though the other MNners want me to just smile and endure it, like some bloody 50s housewife.

Mother , as I've mentioned in my post, the last. 3 evenings I have had to ask him to quieted down around bedtime

Sorry for the typos. I'm battling a 7mo for the iPad

I don't know, your strict adherence of routine with regard to your child makes you sound far more like a bloody 50s housewife.

I just found a banana peel in the recycling, after I told him the black one is for recycling, white for trash. His response to me reminding him is that 'he doesn't create a lot of rubbish and doesn't believe in recycling'

My son is a terrible sleeper, and he is teething. At the moment, he needs a routine! FFS, AIBU in trying to get my son to sleep?!?

I think you might have a point but are explaining yourself badly, so you are coming across as very precious when maybe you are not. I can't put my finger on it - maybe it's the constant references to little one, my boy, my poor boy etc, which make it seem as though you regard anything disturbing your enjoyment of your son as a personal affront. I would relax a bit more if I were you. Your FIL is probably arrogant, but you may have got his back up with your lists of rules etc. Probably a bit of blame on both sides in my view. Hope things improve anyway.

It's a banana skin! Christ op you are now starting to sound more than just unreasonable. Seriously, give the guy a break.

Many other posters have said what I was going to say - I think he sounds like a generally irritating house guest and you were way over the top.

However I think the crux if the problem is that you didn't think through the implications of having a house guest before you invited him. If you have a guest (particularly in an open plan house) it's almost inevitable that they are going to disturb your normal routines, get under your feet and be around at times when you'd rather they weren't. If that doesn't happen you've got lucky. You need to think these things through before inviting a guest to stay and if you can't cope with them don't invite them.

Yes, I'm shit at expressing myself on paper. School was not my thing!

It's EVERYTHING. Yes it's a banana skin, but this on top of everything. It's the fact he disregards everyone I say! It would drive anyone nuts.

I don't care if your the bloody Pope, if I'm trying to settle my baby and you talking is disturbing them, I will ask you to quiet!

You sound like a lovely hostess

You say he treats you like poo, when you expect him to treat you as a queen. Unfortunately the distance between Poo and Queen is too vast, the two of you will never meet halfway.

He sounds ghastly, but since you have said that even the Pope would not be good enough for you I think you and your FIL have to agree to disagree. Try never to be in the same house together because you are both too frightful to get along with each other. Your poor DH.

Sometimes personalities just clash, and there's nothing to be done. You both rub each other the wrong way and neither of you is prepared to back down.

Oh, for goodness' sake. It's not the end of the world if a baby wakes up! Don't be so flippin' ridiculous, OP. Poor man. He's there to do you a favour and you treat him like this? If you want to boss someone around to this extent, get a professional house/dog sitter. See how far you get with that before they walk out in disgust.

Do you know what, I am a lovely host, I will cook lovely meals and do lovely days out and run you a bath if you wanted. I look after my guest, but I have given up with this man. He is unbareable. I am not being over the top, I have 2 dogs, a fussy baby and a trip abroad to plan. FIL was here to try and help and make things easier. It's the little things I have asked for help with and just for him to be conscious about things around him. Which he has blatantly ignored.

When he will not resettle, it is, my nights are broken, I'm up from 3 am, on little more then 3 hours sleep a night. It is a big deal if he wakes up because it'll take (and took) nearly 3 hours to get him back down. FUCK. To the posters that were kind and understood my situation, thank you, your support has helped me get through this. to the others that have said poor FIL, don't bother commenting, he is a truly awful and emotionally manipulative man, how can you sympathise for a man whose own daughters cannot stand

DD is an only child. Noise would have been a problem if she were a baby and wanted to sleep as she wasn't used to it. As a 2 yr old, she only wanted to go to bed if she thought we were too so we did turn everything down and pretended we also went to bed. We do what we can.

The only guest unable to be quieter is my fil. After a bit of research and discussions with friends, I realise he has undiagnosed autism (he's almost 80). I understand what it is like to have a guest, who understands nothing about child rearing as fil is the same. He does, although take instructions but he needs instructions every time - such as shut the door to the loo (when DD was little). Each time he used the loo, dh or I used to call out to him to shut the door. Another EG. He's a guest at our house. You all have your coat and shoes on, ready to go out, the window in his ensuite is shut, he goes upstairs, uses the loo and opens the window. Inexplicable - he knows you're going out yet opens a window as an invitation to burglars lol yet would never do this at home. I have to check everything all the time with him. It's just what I have to do. It's very stressful to be in constant alert with him and I don't bother to tell him to do everything because it does no good and would cause more friction and stress for me. And yes, he treats our home as most treat a hotel.

On the other hand, I do understand you like everything to be in its place and precise. But all of this is really stressing you out and you're sound so unhappy. You've said stuff like drying the shower door and you like to be in charge of your own home. I understand it's really annoying. I do. However, it really would be good for you and your mental health to just let it go. You're getting so upset about little things. I know all the little things he does added together are really crap. I'd try to handle it as "I'm plugging your laptop over here (each time he does it)." "I'm putting my washing back. Leave it alone". All adult and smiling and in control.

My mother is very controlling of her home and likes things done in a certain way. She doesn't know how to be a good host (to us at any rate). Or a good guest. I'm 45 and yet I go to her house, and have to leave things just so. If I clear up the kitchen and I leave a couple of crumbs, she tells me. She stands around me while I cook telling me to do this, do that. If I put the oven on, she turns it up or down, ditto with the hob. She tells constantly that goes there, this goes here. She constantly moans if I do something she doesn't like, such as if I've encroached in her space too much with my medications, dds toys etc. I have to dry the shower door, she has also at times expected me to clean the bedroom and bathroom before I leave. I have chronic fatigue syndrome (ME). Cleaning before taking my DD on the motorway is very ill advised. I conserve my energy in order to drive! And she makes a pretty shitty guest. She puts things in the wrong place, doesn't clear up well after the meal, complains constantly and I also say nothing.

Please look at your behaviour in relation to your child. As he gets older, you really don't want to end up like my mother. I have suffered mental health problems and have spent thousands in counselling because of my upbringing. My brother, although he thinks there is nothing wrong with his childhood is a bit of a slob - belching and farting in front of all and sundry and has totally rebelled against her ways as she's also a bit of a snob. Enjoy your life. You have such a wonderful gift. I genuinely genuinely though my mother believed I was worth less to her than her precious Kenwood cooking spatula. Please don't let that be your relationship with your child.

Your FIL is unbearable, and so are you. You are both completely unbearable. I feel sorry for your DH. You haven't said much about your poor DH. How is he surviving this epic battle for dominance between his wife and his father?

Here's a free tip. Forget cooking lovely meals and running baths for your guests. Just allow your guests to talk if they want to, and don't banish them to the bedroom. That is all.

It's a shame that you keep insisting that posters should sympathise with you and make allowances for your being snippy because you are anxious about your baby but you say your father in law has 'severe' mental health issues yet you call him a pig, a loony and nuts.

I have no doubt his behaviour is difficult but if I had been asked to house and dog sit and when I turned up my host lectured me about cleaning the shower stall and not putting bananas in the recycling and then sent me yo my room, I'd feel pretty upset.
If I had mental health issues I might not behave terribly well.

It's really weird of him to say it's his house when it obviously bloody isn't.

However it's also really weird to tell guests to wipe the shower and leave the living room so you can bf so...it's a horse apiece :)

Maybe you are mistaking his mental health problems for deliberate inconsiderateness.

I agree FIL sounds thoughtless, selfish and unpleasant to live with but he may not be able to help it.

Just be grateful you have found out now what he is like and never let this happen again.
With the pending flight you are more sensitive than you would normally be. I can see that that might be making you anxious.
I would suggest lots of walks and fresh air with baby, away from the house, away from FIL.

It's pointless dwelling on what he will do when you are gone. Just look forward to being with your family. Think how thrilled they will be to meet DS! You will have a lovely time.