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AIBU?

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ANOTHER PIL, well FIL thread. I'm shaking.

548 replies

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 00:49

I just need to rant, so I will try and make sense, but I'm shaking and furious.

FIL is staying with us for a while, and house/dog sitting whilst we are abroad. His ex wife (My MIL) warned me about him and warned my partner not to leave me alone with him, his sisters have also warned me about him. He has mental health issues and as my partner described 'crazy' ( I think he was joking, but not joking at the same time).

They arrived from the airport at the weekend, chatting away and woke the baby up, I asked them to be quite, they didn't and baby stayed awake until 10pm, I was fuming. Just shut up when I'm trying to put baby back to sleep! It's only me and my dp at home, so bedtimes are quite and calm, I was told he needs to sleep in noise, which he does in the daytime but not for bedtime. So, that didn't put us off to a good start. He had just arrived in my home and I think I deserved a little more respect.

The next day, again, bedtime I asked for quiet and sat down with the TV on snuggled up to my LO. (I had been trying to get him down for an hour before i had given into the TV). All throughout this he was watching videos on his laptop, loudly, I asked my dp to ask him to turn it down, and he did, barely. He did the same again last night, dp was busy so I had to turn him down. He didn't like that.

Then it came to a heads last night, I'm very nervous about leaving the house and my first big trip abroad with the baby, so I was trying to go over all things with the house - shower dripping, please do it up tightly - ant problem, please keep things clean and food away. General bits. I then mentioned, if anything big happens, you must contact real estate/landlords. He refused, saying he will have nothing to do with them, I said fine, but let us know and we will tell them. Again, refused. This upset me as it's a rented house, so its their responsibility. I tried to reiterate the point when he just said 'stop, enough', completely ignoring me. Now, if it has been my partner, his son saying this, he would have listening. I walked away, fuming at both of them. I spoke to my partner and said he has to support me, he agreed and apologised.
Oh, and he has also moved all my washing off where I've had it drying onto the stinky dog sofa, as it was in his way of where he wanted to sit (it wasn't)
Today, FIL ignored me all morning. He. Is. So. Rude. In my own home, we have paid for him to come over, and I'm fuming. He spent all morning feet up on the sofa, under the blanket, just in the way of me trying to have a day with my boy. His breakfast stuff all on the side, towel just left on the sofa. I just asked him if I could have my sofa back, so I can feed and settle my lo, he said no, I will not go because you told me to (I just asked if whilst I'm trying to put lo down, could he read in his room).

We get into a bit of a discussing (argument), I said I have felt disrespected since he arrived and this is my home so certain rules and a level of respect if expected of everything. He argued that this was actually his home Hmm anyway, that's how it went, he is now in his room as I refuse to be stuck in mine with an 8mo because he thinks he can commender my home.

He's fudging nuts. I know my partner needs to step up, and say something, but I need him (FIL) to know I will not be walked over in my own home.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense, I'm on my phone and typing in a fury! These probably don't seem like a lot, but he just creeps me out and I've tried to like him, and I don't. It probably didn't help I had a guard up after the warning from my partners family.

OP posts:
leelu66 · 07/06/2016 04:19

YANBU. He sounds like a misogynistic twat. Anyone telling me that my home is actually their home would piss me off completely.

He is doing your DH a favour not you, because it's your DH that wants him to housesit with dogs, you are fine with dogs going to the kennel.

If your DS gets restless in your bedroom then it's reasonable for you to want to feed him in the living room.

I have no sympathy for him at all.

LavenderHills · 07/06/2016 04:20

I sympathise with you, OP. I wouldn't want to be feeling uncomfortable or disrespected in my own home.
Can you explain to your DH how much this is upsetting you, and send FIL home? It doesn't sound like he is having much fun, either. Then get someone else to look after the dog in your absence. It's not worth this level of upset.

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 04:21

Koala and little Thank you, I have tried so hard, I called my Mother up venting, spoken to my Mothers group, sent my friends texts, spoke to his daughter and ex-wife! But this morning was just the cream on the cake, I have tried to be civil and nice ( I don't think it's unkind to let guests know of simple house rules, he lives on his own and was not present during his children's life's, so is really unaware of how to be around a baby in terms of keeping things high up, toilet door not left open Confused)

All I wanted was for people to say 'we hear you!' And 'keep calm and carry on', I came on here to vent, as I did not want to talk or engage with him anymore but I was so wound up. I wouldn't of bothered as this has truly wound me up more, because I know I was not the root of the problem (I didn't help today and I am aware of that, hence coming on here to vent).

OP posts:
lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 04:30

Leopard, Thankyou, yes, I don't think it has come across how I wanted it to, writing when angry/stressed I'm just blurting things out and this thread wound me up more. I really haven't intended to be rude, I would never want that for anyone in my home, but it's a little give and take ? We didn't get off to the best start and I have tried to engage and help him out (offering to take him around town, do his washing whilst I'm here, asking him what he would like for dinner/breakfast), when he first arrived I thanked him for being here.

Leelu, Smileit's nice to have someone agree!

Lavender, my partner has agree to take him to work with him. I would happily send him home, however I think that would really upset my partner

OP posts:
lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 04:32

And yes, I can be patronising when wound up. I don't mean to be and I hate it when people do it to me , so sorry. And Thankyou for those who have lent a sympathetic ear.

OP posts:
LouBlue1507 · 07/06/2016 04:36

I don't think YABU at all OP Flowers Regardless whether or not someone is doing you a favour they still need to respect you and your home whilst visiting. Asking someone to be quieter is not rude, nor is asking for some privacy whilst you breastfeed in your own home x

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 04:37

Thank you Lou. I'm trying to concentrate on my holiday and being reunited with my parents!

OP posts:
LouBlue1507 · 07/06/2016 04:43

No worries! Have a Brew cuppa and chill! Lesson learnt for next time! Enjoy your holidays! x

KoalaDownUnder · 07/06/2016 04:43

Don't let him ruin your holiday!

Just look at him and smile outwardly, but inside be thinking 'I'm off on a lovely holiday, and you aren't'. WinkFlowers

WhisperingLoudly · 07/06/2016 04:43

I'm glad you're taking a step back and acknowledging your part in this - you've been very precious and really quite unpleasant to someone who is doing you a favour.

BoGrainger · 07/06/2016 04:44

Whilst he sounds an arse with some of his responses I don't understand why you need to be in the living room all the time. Sleeping on the sofa, settling baby, feeding baby etc. When you have guests and need privacy it's only natural to go to your private space eg bedroom, even if that is not your normal place to go so these instances are avoidable and are only serving to wind you up even more.

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 04:50

It's an open plan house, dining room, kitchen and living room all 1. I would have used the bedrooms but we 're travelling in a couple of days and have moved a lot of the stuff in the spare room into ours/our ds to make FIL more comfortable.

OP posts:
leelu66 · 07/06/2016 05:01

I'm glad you're taking a step back and acknowledging your part in this - you've been very precious and really quite unpleasant to someone who is doing you a favour.

This sounds really patronising.

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 05:04

I agree Leelu, whilst I too, may have been a little patronising. I'm the one in this situation and I don't think whispering quite gets it.

OP posts:
Devilishpyjamas · 07/06/2016 05:25

I have a 'thing' about being invited into someone's house & then told I'm not allowed to talk because of a baby. Just don't invite anyone to the house fgs! It seems to be a new thing these days. (Have three kids so know about the need for them to sleep). If you have people staying with you expecting them not to talk is unrealistic really.

You shouldn't really chuck him out of the living room to feed the baby.

The TV/laptop wars sound like the two of you being equally stubborn & unlikely to get anywhere.

I'm sure he will tell the landlords/yourselves if something goes wrong with the house he's just being bloody awkward because you've been having a go at him & that's one way he can get back at you. Childish yes, but you're not going to get him to say what you want so I'd just leave it with a 'well there's the number anyway'

Shower not worth any brain space.

WhisperingLoudly · 07/06/2016 05:36

leelu take it as you wish Hmm

The OP has behaved pretty badly imo (and that of the majority of other posters it seems).

But rather than tell her to get a grip which she in fact clearly needs I chose to note her acknowledgement that maybe she'd been a bit unreasonable rather than pile in with the negativity.

The fil is doing the OP a favour frankly she should be a bit more appreciative.

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 05:43

Yes, and I have tried to express my thanks. But I won't be treated like a piece of poo, because I am a woman, because I should be thankful. That's what he wants.

OP posts:
Motherfuckers · 07/06/2016 05:48

I don't think whispering is being patronising. OP you have acknowledged that you are feeling uptight about your trip abroad and flying. I think this is making you feel more wound up than necessary. Yes, he has been rude, but so have you. Don't forget he is doing you a favour.

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 05:52

It is, but regardless I really do believe his behaviour had been awful. I have been polite and kind to him, until today. Last night I just ignored him and walked away. The first night, I really don't think was rude. Like I've said, I would rather someone see me as rude for asking them to shush after they woke by baby up!

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 07/06/2016 06:00

He's been awful, not a good guest. You've been awful, not a good host. Not a great combo.

I do think you've set him up for a fall because of your expectations from mil etc, he was in a no win situation from the start.

Hope you can resolve it.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 07/06/2016 06:02

You think that being polite and kind is to ignore him and walk away Shock?

Motherfuckers · 07/06/2016 06:02

Is waking a baby such a big deal in the grand scheme of things? Especially when he had just arrived.

Devilishpyjamas · 07/06/2016 06:05

Babies are bound to sleep differently with visitors - they're interesting. After a 4/5 hour drive & flight on top you can't really expect someone not to talk on arrival.

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 06:13

Well, after he was rude and dismissive , it was police of me to walk away. I have been kind in general, I don't offer to do people's washing and cook them breakfast because I enjoy it!

OP posts:
SeaEagleFeather · 07/06/2016 06:14

Is waking a baby such a big deal in the grand scheme of things?

Yes, it can be.

Especially when you're packing to go on holiday and trying to arrange the house for a guest.

lamington my take is that if you're a guest in someone else's house you generally fit around them and if they have a baby, you make an extra effort.

Tbh I'd be extremely uneasy about leaving him in charge of your haouse when you are away because 1) you are not at ease with him and 2) if he's refusing to contact the estate agent if something happens, then you could be liable for a lot.

I'm surprised at the hard time you're getting here in some reallky insensitive posts. Being a good hostess in your own home doesn't mean putting your entire life on hold for someone who says it's their house and is a misogynstic twit. Especially when you don't really want the favour in the first place and everyone who knows the man says that 1 night's stay is the max they can endure.

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