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ANOTHER PIL, well FIL thread. I'm shaking.

548 replies

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 00:49

I just need to rant, so I will try and make sense, but I'm shaking and furious.

FIL is staying with us for a while, and house/dog sitting whilst we are abroad. His ex wife (My MIL) warned me about him and warned my partner not to leave me alone with him, his sisters have also warned me about him. He has mental health issues and as my partner described 'crazy' ( I think he was joking, but not joking at the same time).

They arrived from the airport at the weekend, chatting away and woke the baby up, I asked them to be quite, they didn't and baby stayed awake until 10pm, I was fuming. Just shut up when I'm trying to put baby back to sleep! It's only me and my dp at home, so bedtimes are quite and calm, I was told he needs to sleep in noise, which he does in the daytime but not for bedtime. So, that didn't put us off to a good start. He had just arrived in my home and I think I deserved a little more respect.

The next day, again, bedtime I asked for quiet and sat down with the TV on snuggled up to my LO. (I had been trying to get him down for an hour before i had given into the TV). All throughout this he was watching videos on his laptop, loudly, I asked my dp to ask him to turn it down, and he did, barely. He did the same again last night, dp was busy so I had to turn him down. He didn't like that.

Then it came to a heads last night, I'm very nervous about leaving the house and my first big trip abroad with the baby, so I was trying to go over all things with the house - shower dripping, please do it up tightly - ant problem, please keep things clean and food away. General bits. I then mentioned, if anything big happens, you must contact real estate/landlords. He refused, saying he will have nothing to do with them, I said fine, but let us know and we will tell them. Again, refused. This upset me as it's a rented house, so its their responsibility. I tried to reiterate the point when he just said 'stop, enough', completely ignoring me. Now, if it has been my partner, his son saying this, he would have listening. I walked away, fuming at both of them. I spoke to my partner and said he has to support me, he agreed and apologised.
Oh, and he has also moved all my washing off where I've had it drying onto the stinky dog sofa, as it was in his way of where he wanted to sit (it wasn't)
Today, FIL ignored me all morning. He. Is. So. Rude. In my own home, we have paid for him to come over, and I'm fuming. He spent all morning feet up on the sofa, under the blanket, just in the way of me trying to have a day with my boy. His breakfast stuff all on the side, towel just left on the sofa. I just asked him if I could have my sofa back, so I can feed and settle my lo, he said no, I will not go because you told me to (I just asked if whilst I'm trying to put lo down, could he read in his room).

We get into a bit of a discussing (argument), I said I have felt disrespected since he arrived and this is my home so certain rules and a level of respect if expected of everything. He argued that this was actually his home Hmm anyway, that's how it went, he is now in his room as I refuse to be stuck in mine with an 8mo because he thinks he can commender my home.

He's fudging nuts. I know my partner needs to step up, and say something, but I need him (FIL) to know I will not be walked over in my own home.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense, I'm on my phone and typing in a fury! These probably don't seem like a lot, but he just creeps me out and I've tried to like him, and I don't. It probably didn't help I had a guard up after the warning from my partners family.

OP posts:
SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 09/06/2016 19:21

I took offence at the fact that the OP posted on AIBU, was repeatedly told yes she was, but decided to argue and call everyone who didn't agree with her "twats".

If OP wanted to come and have a moan about her FIL, it might have been better placed in chat or relationships.

AIBU is a place for people to be honest and sometimes a bit brutal.

The pack mentality works both ways.

Atenco · 09/06/2016 19:37

I can't believe how other (supposedly) women treated the OP. No wonder there's no "old girls' network" but pelt of old boys ones

Sorry, we were asked if we agreed or not, and I, for one, cannot get over the image of an elderly man getting off a flight from the UK to Australia, then undergoing a four hour drive, only to be treated the way the OP has treated him, almost as soon as he walked in the door. I am a human being before I am a woman.

thedogdaysareover · 09/06/2016 20:02

Yes and I can't believe someone who some of you believe might have PND has been treated like she doesn't have MH issues too. If she didn't behave like a rational person, maybe it's because she isn't, right now, and her apology meant nothing to some of you. Way to go. The clue was in the opening sentence. "I need to rant". Pity it wasn't taken at face value, pity all the posters who clearly never called anyone "loopy" or "nuts" felt able to just pile right in there.

The amount of truly hypocritical behaviour is what got to me.

Hmm
RestlessTraveller · 09/06/2016 20:14

dogdays She was asked if she sought any support for her own issues, she was offered advice. She ignored it.

thedogdaysareover · 09/06/2016 20:28

Well I'm sorry, but if you think someone with possible PND could be clearheaded in that situation, to accept the fact that she might have PND when only one page in she had been roasted, and to say "Yeah, you're right, it could be me with the problem" is realistic within the space of a day when she is clearly out of her mind with stress and feels that the place she could come to for a bit of support has been closed to her.... You're asking a lot for someone with depression, don't you think? YABU

I'm not saying I agree with everything that the OP did or said, I didn't, and that is entirely beside the point. I've been reading this thread almost since it opened, and I must admit, I read it and thought, this woman is not very well. I should have intervened sooner with a bit of support. Some did, I'm not saying all of you were like this, not at all, and some of the advice has been stellar. Absolutely fantastic. But your comment then Restless, sums up everything that was off for me about the whole thing.

kali110 · 09/06/2016 20:31

dog and also insulted numerous posters that didn't agree with her. Hmm
I also imagine if everyone agreed and started slagging off her fil it would no longer be a pack of hyaenas but would be acceptable!

kali110 · 09/06/2016 20:33

dog then don't come onto aibu if you don't really want to
Accept that you are wrong

RestlessTraveller · 09/06/2016 20:36

Which comment ? dog

leelu66 · 09/06/2016 21:02

I don't think OP was insulting Confused

Posters were alot more insulting I think.

I can't believe this thread is still going on.

SeaEagleFeather · 09/06/2016 21:34

I, for one, cannot get over the image of an elderly man getting off a flight from the UK to Australia

wasn't it an internal flight in Australia?

lamingtonnutty · 09/06/2016 21:37

He had a 4 hour flight. It is my who has the hellish Aus to Uk flight. RTT

OP posts:
RestlessTraveller · 09/06/2016 21:41

OP Since you're still around, can I ask you if you feel like you need help with dealing with your own issues?

SnowBells · 09/06/2016 23:03

Restless

Just leave her alone, OK?

I mean... bloody hell... there are other threads on MN (about in-laws) that seemed much more controversial, but no one batted an eyelid.

I've been on other forums before where people just went for one OP for the smallest reason (often, lack of sarcasm and understanding).

I don't know where OP's FIL is from, but if he's from a country with a macho culture, then I can very much understand this.

RestlessTraveller · 09/06/2016 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AugustaFinkNottle · 09/06/2016 23:28

I agree with SnowBells, and I come on here as someone who disagreed with OP at the outset. But too many people seem to be carrying on this thread for nothing more than the pleasure of giving someone a continued kicking rather than for any constructive purpose whatsoever.

SootyShearwater · 09/06/2016 23:54

any old shit so you're now describing your FIL as any old shit?!

Keep digging, OP, you'll soon arrive in the UK and you won't even have had to board a plane!

Janecc · 10/06/2016 05:40

Sooty. She said put up with any old shit. That's treatment not a person.

lamington I'm not surprised you're still getting very negative comments. Retaliating in kind to the so called hyenas will only get more of the same. If you're expected to be vindicated by them, that's not going to happen.

Can I suggest perhaps quietly withdrawing and going to get some mental health care?

SnowBells · 10/06/2016 06:17

Restless

OK. Since you don't seem to get it, I'm going to say it loud and clear: what you (and others) are basically doing on this thread is called cyber-bullying.

The OP may have made what you think of as a grave mistake, but seriously? You haven't walked in her shoes. There are many, many people who don't get on with their in-laws. And yes, they will often use words such as 'nutty' in real life. I don't judge them for that. I haven't walked in their shoes. I have had tough times with my in-laws, too - although luckily, my DH (and his siblings) know how difficult they can be. As was the case with the OP. Christ. Even my over-educated FiL has some names for MiL that would really make the ears of some people on this board prick up.

This thread shows that basically everyone can turn into a bully. And yes, I'm going to use that word because there's really no point denying it anymore. Stop rolling your eyes reading this! Do you know what excuse people often use to justify their bullying?

He/she had it coming.

It's the same excuse people who beat their spouses use.

The OP apologised. And yet, people continued to attack, each post being like yet another fist to the face. Yes, OP made some mistakes. But her biggest mistake was coming onto the AIBU board where everyone is, of course, perfectly nice in real life, never uses an ugly word for their in-laws, but can pour their vitriol on an unsuspecting stranger on the other side of the world who simply wanted some support.

And let's face it: people drift into the AIBU to find controversy, find a source of entertainment in life (how sad are we!)... as can be seen in all those threads that have been posted elsewhere, but no one responded, so it was reposted to AIBU, where more people tend to congregate. It's like an online version of Jeremy Kyle (which I don't even watch in real life, but seeing it play out in written form apparently makes it okay Hmm).

I support anti-bullying charities - it's a cause that is very close to my heart. For those of you who have never had to deal with bullying... Bravo. Now, look at this thread and imagine the OP was you. She was bullied. It doesn't just happen to kids in school, it can happen on a mother's forum, too. And if you are still in doubt, read this page on the Mental Health Support website, and tell me what happened on here is not bullying.

No one is perfect. OP isn't. No in-law ever is. And neither are any of us on this thread. I'm sure all of us make mistakes in life. We just don't all post it on AIBU.

Janecc · 10/06/2016 06:37

SnowBells. I'm relatively new. Didn't realise how bad AIBU could be. I'm really confused as to why people would "drift into AIBU to find controversy, find a source of entertainment in life". I'm not on here for this. I'm here for myself, to learn and to help others as part of my self development. I think that this explanation if true is very sad. And it says a lot about how terribly immature people can be.

SnowBells · 10/06/2016 06:54

Janecc

That's great if you are, but you can learn and help others without making those that had the courage to post on AIBU feel like crap. Which is what many posters here did...

In real life, would you consider what others on here did "helping others"? If so, I'd reject any help from anyone in future... Thank you very much. Any therapist who would have said some of the things that have been said on this board would likely find themselves in court and without a job.

Janecc · 10/06/2016 07:09

Totally agree with you SnowBells. People have said some awful things. And no, they were not helping others. Or themselves for that matter. But they're not in an emotionally mature enough state to realise that.

I posted something recently under another name. The comments were astonishing and some were wild projections. Very few actually gave me the decent advice I was seeking.

As I said upthread, I think op is still feeding these vitriolic characters, which is why they're not going away to bully someone else. She would do well to leave the thread alone and get some RL counselling.

SeaEagleFeather · 10/06/2016 07:34

On the basis of a few threads I've read recently, AIBU has spiralled into exactly what Snow said; a forum for bullies to congregate on.

It is sad that women will so gleefully enjoy putting the boot in. Human nature maybe :(

AIBU really isn't a place to go for support though. Unless you're got a martyr complex :P

Jodie1982 · 10/06/2016 07:34

This thread has totally put me off ever asking for help, which I was soon going to do. Some of the comments were totally spiteful and bullying.

SeaEagleFeather · 10/06/2016 07:41

Ye I get that. Constructively critical, it isn't (mostly; some posts are).

leelu66 · 10/06/2016 08:10

SootyShearwater

any old shit so you're now describing your FIL as any old shit?!

Keep digging, OP, you'll soon arrive in the UK and you won't even have had to board a plane!

Sooty, are you going to apologise to OP for misrepresenting her post? As Janecc said, OP said 'put up with any old shit'.

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