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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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ANOTHER PIL, well FIL thread. I'm shaking.

548 replies

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 00:49

I just need to rant, so I will try and make sense, but I'm shaking and furious.

FIL is staying with us for a while, and house/dog sitting whilst we are abroad. His ex wife (My MIL) warned me about him and warned my partner not to leave me alone with him, his sisters have also warned me about him. He has mental health issues and as my partner described 'crazy' ( I think he was joking, but not joking at the same time).

They arrived from the airport at the weekend, chatting away and woke the baby up, I asked them to be quite, they didn't and baby stayed awake until 10pm, I was fuming. Just shut up when I'm trying to put baby back to sleep! It's only me and my dp at home, so bedtimes are quite and calm, I was told he needs to sleep in noise, which he does in the daytime but not for bedtime. So, that didn't put us off to a good start. He had just arrived in my home and I think I deserved a little more respect.

The next day, again, bedtime I asked for quiet and sat down with the TV on snuggled up to my LO. (I had been trying to get him down for an hour before i had given into the TV). All throughout this he was watching videos on his laptop, loudly, I asked my dp to ask him to turn it down, and he did, barely. He did the same again last night, dp was busy so I had to turn him down. He didn't like that.

Then it came to a heads last night, I'm very nervous about leaving the house and my first big trip abroad with the baby, so I was trying to go over all things with the house - shower dripping, please do it up tightly - ant problem, please keep things clean and food away. General bits. I then mentioned, if anything big happens, you must contact real estate/landlords. He refused, saying he will have nothing to do with them, I said fine, but let us know and we will tell them. Again, refused. This upset me as it's a rented house, so its their responsibility. I tried to reiterate the point when he just said 'stop, enough', completely ignoring me. Now, if it has been my partner, his son saying this, he would have listening. I walked away, fuming at both of them. I spoke to my partner and said he has to support me, he agreed and apologised.
Oh, and he has also moved all my washing off where I've had it drying onto the stinky dog sofa, as it was in his way of where he wanted to sit (it wasn't)
Today, FIL ignored me all morning. He. Is. So. Rude. In my own home, we have paid for him to come over, and I'm fuming. He spent all morning feet up on the sofa, under the blanket, just in the way of me trying to have a day with my boy. His breakfast stuff all on the side, towel just left on the sofa. I just asked him if I could have my sofa back, so I can feed and settle my lo, he said no, I will not go because you told me to (I just asked if whilst I'm trying to put lo down, could he read in his room).

We get into a bit of a discussing (argument), I said I have felt disrespected since he arrived and this is my home so certain rules and a level of respect if expected of everything. He argued that this was actually his home Hmm anyway, that's how it went, he is now in his room as I refuse to be stuck in mine with an 8mo because he thinks he can commender my home.

He's fudging nuts. I know my partner needs to step up, and say something, but I need him (FIL) to know I will not be walked over in my own home.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense, I'm on my phone and typing in a fury! These probably don't seem like a lot, but he just creeps me out and I've tried to like him, and I don't. It probably didn't help I had a guard up after the warning from my partners family.

OP posts:
kali110 · 07/06/2016 03:22

Apart from the house comment( which was probably him feeling attacked) i feel really sorry for your fil.
I think you've been really nasty to him.
You invite him to stay, then basically moan at everything he does and tell him to get out of the living room? Confused
Yet you wouldn't do this to other guests?
Then call him looney, nuts and say he's creepy?
You told your dp how you feel?
I would never forgive mine if he said this about a member of my family.

TheHiphopopotamus · 07/06/2016 03:23

Yabu. The guy is doing you a favour by house/dog sitting and all he's got from the moment he walked in, is aggro from you.

He's also a guest and you've already made him stop talking to his son, turn the tv down and sent him to his room. And he hasn't shown enough respect and you want to show authority in your own home? Is your FIL a 12 year old? Hmm

If I was him, I'd be buggering off home and leaving you to it.

steff13 · 07/06/2016 03:24

Asking him to go to his room so you can breastfeed is pretty rude, IMO.

I got the impression that your "LO" is a baby; but if he's capable of destroying rooms, I'm guess not. How old is he?

fanjolamps · 07/06/2016 03:29

How many of us have to say YABU?! You're being awful to your FIL!

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 03:33

7mo, crawling and will get into everything.

I haven't moaned, I haven't voiced a thing until last night today, but just asking him to do some simple things we all do in the home to keep it nice for everyone.
I asked them both to be quiet as the talking was unsettling my little one who I was struggling to get back to sleep. I really don't think that is unreasonable. saying I 'made him stop talking to his son' is an manipulation of words and puts a nasty spin on it.
Why would I not turn the TV down when I'm trying to settle the baby? Once he is asleep, turn it back up, but when it's bedtime, I will ask that it is quieter.

I asked him if I could have my sofa
Back, he was sprawled all over it and there was no where for me to sleep. I asked him to leave the living room
Whilst I settle the baby was because he had basically refused to move.

OP posts:
lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 03:36

Fine. I am being unreasonable. I'm a little surprise. I suppose you've got to be here!

OP posts:
lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 03:37

I would be happy if he wanted to go home.

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 07/06/2016 03:41

I haven't moaned, I haven't voiced a thing until last night today, but just asking him to do some simple things we all do in the home to keep it nice for everyone.

You need to chill out. The world won't fall apart if the shower isn't wiped down after every use. A phone charger in the 'wrong' place is unimportant. Don't sweat the small stuff.

I suppose you've got to be here!

You're stressing over lots of small little things and making them in to big ones. I'm sure it's a reaction to your nerves over the trip, but you need to not blow these little items out of proportion. Think about how wonderful it will be to go on holidays and not worry about your pets. The shower can be cleaned when you get home, the sofa will survive his sprawling out on it.

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 03:41

I've just spoken to a family member, who doesn't think I've been unreasonable and understands how difficult he is to live with. So much so, she limits visits to one night, as after that he is a nightmare. So I take it back, I'm not being unreasonable. He's a pig and those of you who don't see it must have the patience of a pissing Saint

OP posts:
fanjolamps · 07/06/2016 03:42

I wouldn't be surprised if he did go home. Then what would you do about your trip?

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 03:43

Midnite, thankyou. I am very wound up. I do realise the little things don't matter, it's just combined, they're make the situation much worse.

OP posts:
fanjolamps · 07/06/2016 03:44

Ok you've decided you're NBU so there is nothing more we can add.

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 03:45

(It was a laptop charger, connect to a laptop, left hanging, it would of fallen if I hadn't of caught LO and removed it - for the 4th time after asking after the first)

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 07/06/2016 03:47

Oh well, if he's a pig, don't ask him for favours next time! Hmm

House- and dog-sitting is a huge favour. People pay a lot of money for this service.

Laying down the law to a guest about wiping the shower screen is beyond the pale. As is asking them to leave the living room and go to their bedroom. Shock

He may well be a rude arse, but I think you need to chill out and get some manners.

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 03:54

We have other people who could do it, DP just thought it would be nice for his dad to come over and he seemed happy to help, which I was thankful for. And he knows he is doing us a favour, but why does that give him freedom to do whatever he likes in my house? Disrupting my baby when I'm trying to settle him? Would you not be a bit peeved if you were settling you baby and started playing videos of wolves howling and loud trucks?!

I don't feel respected in my home, and that seems okay with you guys? I don't care if I seem unreasonable, no women should ever feel that way in her home .

It's not just about the shower or leaving the living room, it's everything, his whole manner is rude and disrespectful. I have never seen this side of him before.

OP posts:
Atenco · 07/06/2016 03:56

If I had just got off a flight from the UK and then a four hour drive to visit you and you treated me like that, I would be in tears and seeing about the next flight home.

In my world guests, especially ones that have come a long way, are treated with honour and kindness.

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 04:01

He had been on a plane for 4.
Yes, as are mine. But not this one. I don't care if your the bloody Pope, if I'm trying to settle my baby and you talking is disturbing them, I will ask you to quiet! I'd rather someone be a little put out then have a screaming, overtired baby.

That's lovely to hear you treat you guests like that, I'm sure if you had a sexist, rude, arrogant man in your house who made you uncomfortable. You would feel the need to say something. If not, good for you. But j will not tolerate being made to feel like that in my home.

OP posts:
lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 04:01

He had been on a plane for 4.
Yes, as are mine. But not this one. I don't care if your the bloody Pope, if I'm trying to settle my baby and you talking is disturbing them, I will ask you to quiet! I'd rather someone be a little put out then have a screaming, overtired baby.

That's lovely to hear you treat you guests like that, I'm sure if you had a sexist, rude, arrogant man in your house who made you uncomfortable. You would feel the need to say something. If not, good for you. But j will not tolerate being made to feel like that in my home.

OP posts:
lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 04:02

And why should I honour him, when he has shown me none?

OP posts:
fanjolamps · 07/06/2016 04:08

Dear me! Op YABU!! Oh my goodness. If i was your FIL I wouldn't come anywhere near your precious house!

littleprincesssara · 07/06/2016 04:11

I feel bad for you, OP, and I believe you when you say he is a nightmare. Some people unfortunately are incredibly difficult to spend time with, in ways that are perhaps difficult for others to understand. Honestly announcing "this is MY house" when you're in someone else's house is disturbing behaviour.

It does sound like to resent his presence and perhaps feel like it's been forced on you? (You mention paying for his flights and everything else so it doesn't seem like you're necessarily saving money.) I do think you're BU in terms of letting your feelings towards him create what honestly seems like a state of warfare. But I think you're being given an unfairly hard time since it's obvious this one person is not only very 'difficult' (and dealing with people with mh problems can be incredibly hard) but someone you have a fundamental personality conflict with. I see no reason to assume you treat other guests this way.

I think if you feel so deeply uncomfortable in his presence - and he appears to feel the same way - and you both sound like pretty stubborn people, there just isn't a solution except to try to get through the time until you leave. Can you try to avoid interacting with him directly, get your dp to give him the instructions, and when he winds you up just breathe and ignore him (maybe vent to a friend rather than get angry at him)?

KoalaDownUnder · 07/06/2016 04:12

Look, I don't disagree with you that he sounds like a twat. But you're getting yourself really wound up here, and losing the moral high ground with your own behaviour.

Try to forget that you dislike him and treat him as a temporary guest. Don't give him instructions on how he has to do everything in the house. Be polite, but engage with him as little as civility dictates. Run all instructions re: the house through your DH.

Just try really hard to ride it out until you can leave for your holiday!

lamingtonnutty · 07/06/2016 04:12

Fanjo, good, I hope he doesn't. I'm looking for support on how to deal with him, he is unreasonable and difficult to be around. He is truly from another universe and I have the of people supporting me. When his own daughter and ex-wife agree with me, I don't think I am being precious.

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 07/06/2016 04:13

Cross-post with littleprincess!

leopardgecko · 07/06/2016 04:15

I don't doubt that your FIL is difficult, OP. However, from the examples you have given it is you that comes across as very rude, very patronising and over sensitive. I know you have said you are tired and stressed out, but really if the examples are as you have written, then it is you who is difficult. In explaining what you have said, you also do come across as extremely ungrateful and treating him very much as a child. I don't think I would ever ask anyone to move from my couch for instance. Also in some of your replies to others you have also come across as quite passive aggressive and somewhat patronising. Of course these are only words on a screen, and maybe in real life you do not appear as rude to him as your posts suggest, and I may be interpreting things wrongly. In which case I apologise and do wish you well. However, from the descriptions of the minor events you have mentioned, if I was your FIL, I would be on the first plane back home.

Have I understood correctly that your FIL has come to do you a favour? In which case maybe appear more grateful (I know you said you are, but perhaps you have not shown it). And maybe treat him with a little more respect, because if events are as you have described, it seems you are demanding YOU and YOUR HOME are respected (fair enough) but not giving that respect back.

Sorry if this is harsh but I really wanted to be honest and tell you how I honestly feel from your words. You do come across as very arrogant yourself. And again, in real life, maybe things you say are said with a smile, and jokingly, and I have got things very wrong.

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