ANOTHER PIL, well FIL thread. I'm shaking.

[lamingtonnutty]

I just need to rant, so I will try and make sense, but I'm shaking and furious.

FIL is staying with us for a while, and house/dog sitting whilst we are abroad. His ex wife (My MIL) warned me about him and warned my partner not to leave me alone with him, his sisters have also warned me about him. He has mental health issues and as my partner described 'crazy' ( I think he was joking, but not joking at the same time).

They arrived from the airport at the weekend, chatting away and woke the baby up, I asked them to be quite, they didn't and baby stayed awake until 10pm, I was fuming. Just shut up when I'm trying to put baby back to sleep! It's only me and my dp at home, so bedtimes are quite and calm, I was told he needs to sleep in noise, which he does in the daytime but not for bedtime. So, that didn't put us off to a good start. He had just arrived in my home and I think I deserved a little more respect.

The next day, again, bedtime I asked for quiet and sat down with the TV on snuggled up to my LO. (I had been trying to get him down for an hour before i had given into the TV). All throughout this he was watching videos on his laptop, loudly, I asked my dp to ask him to turn it down, and he did, barely. He did the same again last night, dp was busy so I had to turn him down. He didn't like that.

Then it came to a heads last night, I'm very nervous about leaving the house and my first big trip abroad with the baby, so I was trying to go over all things with the house - shower dripping, please do it up tightly - ant problem, please keep things clean and food away. General bits. I then mentioned, if anything big happens, you must contact real estate/landlords. He refused, saying he will have nothing to do with them, I said fine, but let us know and we will tell them. Again, refused. This upset me as it's a rented house, so its their responsibility. I tried to reiterate the point when he just said 'stop, enough', completely ignoring me. Now, if it has been my partner, his son saying this, he would have listening. I walked away, fuming at both of them. I spoke to my partner and said he has to support me, he agreed and apologised.
Oh, and he has also moved all my washing off where I've had it drying onto the stinky dog sofa, as it was in his way of where he wanted to sit (it wasn't)
Today, FIL ignored me all morning. He. Is. So. Rude. In my own home, we have paid for him to come over, and I'm fuming. He spent all morning feet up on the sofa, under the blanket, just in the way of me trying to have a day with my boy. His breakfast stuff all on the side, towel just left on the sofa. I just asked him if I could have my sofa back, so I can feed and settle my lo, he said no, I will not go because you told me to (I just asked if whilst I'm trying to put lo down, could he read in his room).

We get into a bit of a discussing (argument), I said I have felt disrespected since he arrived and this is my home so certain rules and a level of respect if expected of everything. He argued that this was actually his home anyway, that's how it went, he is now in his room as I refuse to be stuck in mine with an 8mo because he thinks he can commender my home.

He's fudging nuts. I know my partner needs to step up, and say something, but I need him (FIL) to know I will not be walked over in my own home.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense, I'm on my phone and typing in a fury! These probably don't seem like a lot, but he just creeps me out and I've tried to like him, and I don't. It probably didn't help I had a guard up after the warning from my partners family.

He is. That's fair. When my parents and my MIL were here, I had none of these problems. So I'm struggling on being so uncomfortable in my own horn.

Mycat, your right. I'm not sure of how he works and what makes him 'tick'.

I just don't like the fact he does view this as his home, and his attitude has definitely made it come across that way. I just expect a certain level of respect from any guest. Regardless if he is house sitting, he is still a guest.

I really wasn't looking for a fight. I want us to get along, I love DP family.

I think you're being unreasonable to expect him to go and hide in his room so you can breastfeed. I think that when it comes to breastfeeding, the person who is bothered by it needs to leave the room. If your FIL was uncomfortable and you were happy to do it anywhere, then he should leave, but in your case, you are the one who doesn't want to feed in front of him, whilst he doesn't see a problem, so why should he lock himself in his room the whole time?

OP have I missed something? He's there to do you both a favour, house and dog sitting right? So you can go away?

Fair enough. I seem to be the only one bothered by him moving wet washing, announcing to me that this is HIS house, so he will do what he wants etc etc. I just was fed up, and wanted my living room back as I was fed up of being in my room. I suppose other people have a higher tolerance of people being arrogant twats. Yes, he is doing us a favour but that does not give him free reign to do whatever the fudge he wants. I suppose I can't explain how awful he really is. We paid for his flights, his food. He offered to come and do this for us.

I too get the impression that it's you who is extremely rude here not him. I agree with gamer that you sound like you were spoiling for a fight. Those examples sound very petty and more about you feeling the need to show who is authority in your house. He must feel very unwelcome.

You're now being totally passive aggressive even when people tell you yabu! You wont be happy till we all agree he is an arse. Which quite frankly I don't think he is.

I do want to show authority in my house, this is exactly what he did to his daughter, announcing her house was his house. I will not be walked over, which is what he is trying to do.

So he's a guest in your house, whom you have told to go to his room because you want to breastfeed on the sofa (a communal area) alone.

I think that's very rude, myself.

I have family that come in and take over. Very entitled. I can understand exactly why you are upset. Unfortunately it is best to grin and bear it. It won't be for long. I do agree with pp, you shouldn't chuck him out the living room because you want to feed the baby - do it on your bed or elsewhere. I fed for 2.5 years and that is what I did when fil came. I'm really confused as to why you would need someone to house sit as you have a dog. People in the UK normally put their dogs in kennels or leave them with people, who dog board in their homes. He sounds very bizarre. Is your dog going to be ok?

If that's what you think. I'm here for people's opinions, and I will respond with my opinion back.

Agreed . I don't let anyone other than a very good kennel look after our dogs and the price of boarding pooch is less than you paid to get FIL there. Tbh the dog is my only concern as you seem really over the top OP.

My partner refuses to put them in kennels. I would be happy for them to do so.

Thanks everyone. I may have been a little ott asking him to move from the living room, I'm extremely sleep deprived and just wanted to cuddle my boy on the sofa. He was reading and napping on it so I didn't see the harm for him to continue to do so in his room.

Do you treat al you're guests like this op? You're treating him like a child sending him to his room, he can't talk because of the baby etc. He is doing you the favour and it seems on the offset you were determined to put him in his place.

I do want to show authority in my house,

Why on earth do you need to show authority? He's not a dog that you're trying to train. He's a house guest, one that you invited. Do you try and assert authority over all your guests? Or do you not have very many? (Which I suspect if you treat all guests like this).

You are stubborn and rude and trying to be queen of your castle regardless of your guest's comfort (who is there to do you a favour) ordering him about and showing him no respect. Your FIL is also stubborn and rude and lacks any ounce of compassion or respect for you as a new mother and seems to lack basic manners as a guest. So, you are both very unreasonable. When two rude people meet, it will never end well.

I get that it must be awful having someone unpleasant in the house .Is your partner not worried in the slightest. Why does he get to decide re the dogs , why does he get his way? There is no way I would leave the pups with someone who I am concerned is unbalanced .

It sounds as if you didn't really establish ground rules with your dh before your FIL arrived, and then your ILs made your initial anxiety escalate so you were on edge right from the start of the visit.

Sometimes it's difficult to explain why someone's behaviour irritates, but I do think that as soon as you get into 'respect' battles you are on a hiding to nothing really. In general though I'd say it's best if the related person does most of the 'this is how to do things' type conversations, and as your FIOL sounds at the least somewhat patrician he may well have been unimpressed to be told what to do by a woman. Or perhaps you were very OTT in your instructions. Difficult to judge really.

From your full description of FIL he does sound like a right asshole but you also seem to be picking fights over the smallest things as if showing who's boss. While you may have paid for his flights etc he is still doing you a favour at the end of the day so you should be a little more lenient towards his 'making himself at home' attitude.

Fwiw I wouldn't put my two dogs into kennels ever, I'd rather stay at home first. Luckily we have people who can look after them when we have a holiday every few years.

I don't treat my guests like this, we've had aunts and other IL sty and it's always a pleasure an we have a nice time, I may have been a bit OTT, but it's hard to describe someone like him, I really don't like people coming in and acting like try own the place. I'm all for making yourself at home, but moving wet Washing, and leaving it in a pile? Why not ask and I can find somewhere else for it to go? I can't be bothered to describe the rest because I'm too tired. He really doesn't like being told do do this by women. Which is a shock to my systems as I have never really dealt with anyone like that in my home.

Partner decides about the dogs because they are his first 'babies'. I thought it was a good idea, I had always gotten along its FIL in the past. But I suppose how someone acts in their space as opposed to yours id different.

My dh wouldn't let our dog go to a kennel. Both the dog (and dh) would get very distressed. We would always have a house sitter as we don't have family or friends he can stay with. So we have a house sitter. I can see why a family member the OP's partner trusts coming to stay would seem like a good option.

I use a house sitter when I go away to look after my animals, and I always expect them to make themselves at home. She can help herself to the fridge/freezer, watch whatever on tv, bring her boyfriend over, swim in the pool, use the spa, bring their own dogs and use all my grooming equipment/dog bath, etc. I want her to feel comfortable staying in my home and know that I can trust her to look after my animals well. A good house sitter that you can absolutely trust is a god send and needs to able to relax in your home.

I'm not rude, I am some what stubborn and I like things to be done in a certain why. I am definitely the queen of my castle, and I'm happy that why, I'm proud of my home and my family and want a happy place for all to be welcome. I made sure everything was ready for him, and then I'm hit with his complete disregard for anything I say or do. I did not 'order' him around. I have simply said a few house 'to dos' - wipe the shower down after using, please keep doors shut as LO will wonder in and destroy everything. I've offered to do his washing, show him around our town, give him the library card, asked him what he likes to eat, and get nice food in. I want him to fee l welcome, but he is CONPLETELY lacking any manners, feet on the dining room table. I've asked him to not have his laptop cord plugged in a certain place and left all the time as my LO found it and nearly pulled the blooming laptop on his head. I seem to have drip fed all of this to you, but it really is hard to pin point all this silly jiggly things that are driving me nuts!