Am I "that mum"?

[pepsi001]

I've waited a long time to meet a nice man to marry and have a baby. I'm 37 I thought this would never happen for me. I'm over the moon and of course my little girl is my pfb.

Lately I've become aware of a kind of reverse snobbery. All of a sudden I'm in the wrong for wanting nice things for my daughter. I'm buy lovely clothes from M&S and Boden and Next and she had a Sophie and I adore Mamas and Papas.

I don't go into debt. I buy things on sale and on special discount days. I don't really do second hand or hand me downs - not there's anything wrong with that and I never judge how other people want to spend their money or not, but I'm made to feel like a bad person because I don't want to do that and would rather buy new.

I aiming to keep everything nice and then sell on when not needed again to recoup the cost slightly.

Why this reverse snobbery to boast about how everything you have is cheap or second hand or hand me down and anyone who actually buys nice things is a bad person?

AIBU?

There is a trend amongst some fairly well-heeled parents in my area to look down on people that buy new for their babies and children.

And this isn't about hand-me-downs, but that all clothes, toys and books must come from charity shops or car boots sales.

I have wondered whether they perceived that buying new is somehow "lower class" and they are doing it to differentiate themselves from those parents they read about in the DM who dress their children in junior armani or whatever.

But I have to say, there's one family I know where they've bought really quite dirty and stained children's books from charity shops and I don't quite understand that at all, particularly when there's a book warehouse in our nearest town that sells the same books new and for much cheaper.

Next and M & S sell lovely clothes do they, OP I disagree on that one. Boden's not great nowadays either, so why the stealth boast I'm not sure.

They're all mainstream and not particularly expensive is my real point. Likewise Sophie.

I aiming to keep everything nice and then sell on when not needed again to recoup the cost slightly.

That sounds like a real bore.

Meh, who cares?

I have no idea who of my friends buys things new or second hand. I buy most things second hand but I've never brought it up in conversation unless somebody asked where I got a specific item. DD is certainly better dressed than if I did shop new; she has a few Boden and Jojo Maman Bebe outfits but I've never been near either shop in my life. I'm grateful to mums like you who spend the big bucks so I can buy your clothes/buggies/bouncers from you second hand.

Sophie is a giraffe teether it don't look that pricey. Are you sure you're not looking for an issue.

Nothing wrong with buying nice things for your children (if you can afford it).

I'll be honest though, I am a bit at people who refuse to consider second hand. Why? What's wrong with second hand if you can find what you want in good condition? It's very environmentally unfriendly to buy new all the time.

With all my babies I bought their clothes from Tesco they grow so quickly. If there is a sale I in one of the shops then I may buy a nice outfit but the majority of it is from Tesco.

The majority of my children's clothes has been hand me downs over the years I have 3 girls.

Sophie arrived here from France over 20 years ago, a traditional gift for new babies I was told. Hasn't the EU made them mandatory yet?!
A friend from a Portuguese village had her toddler's winter clothes, adorable grey caped coat like an 18th century coachman and cute matching cap, admired in the street all over London. She's a nanny and her factory worker mother had a local tailor make it to a traditional pattern not even used there now. No chance of seeing another little boy dressed like that!
SimplyNigella - brands outside my ken, I shall google😉
I hesitated to give the mother of a 35 week premie the tiny bodysuit in his size I found on a jumble stall. I'd washed it carefully, of course. When out of the skibu he wore most of the time as unlike most other clothes it actually fitted him.

3 boys I know from a high income family hand everything down and the oldest loves expensive shirts - as birthday presents. He chose Todd brogues for his 18th. And their pre prep had a flourishing second hand uniform stall!

I find it baffling that some people don't know anyone who buys second hand in real life. The sheer volume of baby clothes that they grow out of in a flash, have to go somewhere surely?

For me buying second hand means I haven't contributed to slave labour practises. I'd rather well-made, individual clothing rather than chain-store inhumanely produced boring stuff.

Utterly utterly agree with person who pointed out you are only at the beginning so start ploughing your own furrow now.

I don't know anyone but then I am not a materialistic person I wouldn't ask anyway. My life is boring enough without asking people ohhh where did you get that from.

If you want to resell Next and Marks are not the way to go. It will be more effort than it is worth.

For resell you want Joules, Emile et Rose, Frugi, pretty originals , Sarah Louise and maybe Ralph Lauren.

For resell scandi makes are great - POP, Smafolk, Maxomorra etc.

Since the arrival of the Royal babies putting the word Spanish in front of a listing seems to help too

I was judged by my own family for buying second hand. I still get judged now. My DC gets my youngest siblings hand me downs ( they are 2 years apart but mine is tall my sibling is short!) and often get 'well, why don't yo by DC new clothes?' 'ugh, your DC must be bullied about their clothes'

Yes my DCs clothes (and my own for that matter) are all second hand and yes DC has clothes from primark to boden. I don't feel bad that I don't buy new. I'm an experiences more than stuff person. I have to chose between the two.

I don't begrudge anyone that can have both. I feel sorry for those who can't have either and try my best to pass the best of what I have to people in need.

however, from an environmental stand point I wish more people opted for as much pre loved, upcycled and repaired stuff as they could rather than buy brand new but that's nothing to do with snobbery just knowing the impact of production on local habitats and my desire to preserve it as much as I can

Bear they are lovely brands, if my husband sees my internet history he will think that I an pregnant again!

A lot has been said here. I have three little ones. Age 4 - nearly 9. My two youngest have awful Excema. Used items are much better for their skin. The nasties from the factory are washed out and do not irritate their skin so much. People have been so generous with their hand me downs. I love going through the bits and bobs when they arrive and my children love getting the clothes from their older cousins and friends who they think are cool. I could buy designer I guess but I don't need to. We also live in the countryside and our local children's clothes shops are not up to much anyway. They are fine for knickers, socks, vests and stuff. But really other then the odd themed T.shirt there is nothing really worth buying. But if you don't have people to pass stuff on to you then I guess you must buy new. Just wash them really well before use. The factories where they are made are so dusty and dirty. I used to work for a large American brand. The factories in China, Thailand, Mexico and so on where really grim. I never went back to work there after I had the children. Just my thoughts on the topic. Nothing ground breaking obviously. PS Internet shopping for kids is so annoying for sizing and returning is a bore.

If anyone makes horrible comments about your children's clothes being either brand new or second hand, just ask them why it troubles them so much.
With a really serious face on, like a doctor.
Maybe even get out a notepad and pen like your going to take notes on their response.
Usually works for me. People just don't wanna start on me cos they know they'll get it right back ten times worse!
My kids have loads of hand me downs from cousins, as well as new (averagely priced high st clothes) and as long as they are all clean and well fitting we are fine with that.
I am not bothered what people buy, and where from.
Id only comment if they were in major debt living beyond their means and complaining to me about it and asking my advice. Living beyond your means can ruin relationships and family life can suffer.

Yes, you are 'that Mum'! Embrace it. Own it.

You like new stuff for your baby, so what.

I dressed mine in any old hand me downs as I don't care about that and kids and babies trash everything. They still look pretty rag tag in hand me downs no while I buy nice better brand clothes for myself. I have decided that when my eldest dd is 13 next year and off to boarding school I will finally bite the bullet and take her to Abercrombie for a blow out, so she doesn't show up in only H&M and hand me down tat. I am nice like that.

I think it's a combination of jealous and everyone having different priorities. People insisted on giving me bags of baby clothes that I didn't want as I only buy new. I can afford to, and find second hand stuff goes bobbly no matter how hard you try to wash it nicely. Same as another poster I just don't like the idea that another baby has pooed or puked on it.

I got it when I got a brand new Bugaboo Donkey. One woman said I needed my head testing to spend nearly £2k on a pushchair (after I'd bought all the accessories etc I wanted.) It really isn't anyone else's business.

Just jealousy I think.

I do get second hand accessories like Bumbos as they are in them for such a short window of time, but I like new clothes and pushchairs.

You know what I hate people like that. There's no wonder some Mum's don't go out with their children/babies to groups if some of the other Mum's go around saying things like that!

I've bought brand new clothes, sometimes from Next but not often as I just cannot afford to, but I wouldn't hold that against you just because you choose to do so. I don't mind second hand clothes at all. In fact a lady I work with liked to buy her daughters when they were smaller branded clothes. She passed them all onto me which was great! I could never afford them but I got to enjoy them second hand! So when you decide to pass your child's clothes on, someone who couldn't afford them at full price, will get to enjoy those clothes at a much affordable price!

I can understand why you want nice new clothes for your precious child after suffering a miscarriage. I've been very fortunate not to have gone through that pain and can never imagine it. Ignore them hun. As I am learning all the time, some people are really nasty and aren't actually your friend if they say things like that to you.

Oh and generally, mother and baby groups aren't all as your friend described. Mum's generally in my experience are grateful to meet another adult to have an adult conversation with!

Enjoy your baby and shopping, I would! xxxx

It's the right thing to ignore all the comments but if I may, I'd like to suggest something practical to you. Lots of new mums ask me about others input and how to handle it and I deal with this worry a lot in my coaching so maybe this will help.

First of all, try to focus on the positive fact that you are responsible for your child and nobody else. That will give you the right to make the best decisions you can...in view of your personal circumstances. They may change in future and you make may different decisions later on..but you focus on what you have...is what you can work with right now today..and feel confident in your choices.

Second of all. Nobody would bother you if you listen to your confidence and your own instinct. When you answer the question..is this best for me and my child...then just block out the rest of what people say.

Thirdly. .in my experience over maybe 30 years in childcare and 14 years as a parent...the people who give you a comment are likely missing something in their own lives and you can without anger..just note this mentally and switch off.

I learned a great technique through my NLP training. I create a mental guard around me...and I only let in what helps me, serves me, comforts me, or grounds me... anything else..it's like my own personal force field repelling what I don't want.

It may not be easy but the calmer and more sure of yourself you are...the less other people get to you.

Remember...you are a good mother and only YOU need to be sure of that.. all the best. 😊