Am I "that mum"?

[pepsi001]

I've waited a long time to meet a nice man to marry and have a baby. I'm 37 I thought this would never happen for me. I'm over the moon and of course my little girl is my pfb.

Lately I've become aware of a kind of reverse snobbery. All of a sudden I'm in the wrong for wanting nice things for my daughter. I'm buy lovely clothes from M&S and Boden and Next and she had a Sophie and I adore Mamas and Papas.

I don't go into debt. I buy things on sale and on special discount days. I don't really do second hand or hand me downs - not there's anything wrong with that and I never judge how other people want to spend their money or not, but I'm made to feel like a bad person because I don't want to do that and would rather buy new.

I aiming to keep everything nice and then sell on when not needed again to recoup the cost slightly.

Why this reverse snobbery to boast about how everything you have is cheap or second hand or hand me down and anyone who actually buys nice things is a bad person?

AIBU?

Reminds me of my sister who, when DH was able to afford a new Mercedes E class, insisted on referring to it as 'the taxi'. I had to say something in the end, it really annoyed me. It's the only really nice car he's ever had and likely to have. We still have it and it's done nearly 250,000 miles! Jealousy is a pernicious beast.

Maybe, and just maybe, you're dropping where you buy things into the conversation a bit too often and it's annoying her. No need to tell people where you buy furniture or clothes from. I have friends who do this with handbags for example. They can't just tell me they've just bought a lovely red bag, they always tell me the make and shop so I know it's expensive. Is that what you're doing??

It can be tricky.
Some people (who usually have plenty of money ime) love to brag about how they found little Tarquins new coat in a skip under a dead fox 🙄
Buy what you want!
and be glad of those who buy second hand when you some to sell your stuff 😀

On the one hand I would be very annoyed if someone criticised my choice to buy new and dress my child in a way that pleased me. Rightly so. It's no one else's business what you buy or why.

On the other hand I would describe as 'that mum' the one who goes on and on about her precious child to the complete exclusion of everyone else's child, because they are not as perfect as yours. She shows no interest in my children and is self absorbed and boastful.

Only you know which applies to you.

I think its fine as long as

a) you don't stop your child playing in the mud and getting dirty because they are wearing nice clothes

b) you don't boast about it as some people can't afford it

c) you are not skimping on something more important e.g. food warmth etc (don't think this is the issue here)

I agree with eyebrowse with regard to mums not letting their (usually) DDs get dirty because they want to keep their clothes 'nice'. Honestly, buy clothing you can compost if it means that your child will get wet, mucky, slimy and have fun without having to put on a separate outfit. Please don't be 'that mum' who begins instilling anxiety about appearance into her daughter from birth because you want to sell on or treasure the clothes. That would drive me up the wall if I was your friend and it wouldn't be through jealousy.

As with most socialising you just have to figure out your audience. If someone is very frugal then best not to mention brands, prices etc.... whereas if they are a bit more like you then you can talk about where you bought lovely cot, clothes etc....

I think a lot of reverse snobbery in my circles (very middle class) is a desperate attempt to not appear to be boasting, ever! "Oh this old thing...", "I got it practically free on ebay", "my ds only has 2 t-shirts" while they all drive around in pricey cars and go on multi-thousand pound holidays!

I think a lot of reverse snobbery in my circles (very middle class) is a desperate attempt to not appear to be boasting, ever! "Oh this old thing...", "I got it practically free on ebay", "my ds only has 2 t-shirts" while they all drive around in pricey cars and go on multi-thousand pound holidays!*

I am not middle class but I think this applies to me.

Were you boasting about all your new stuff? Sometimes it's quite hard to swallow when new mums are being uber precious / proud about nice stuff that's about to get ruined by baby poo...I've had baby clothes which were in really beautiful condition turned down /rejected by friends and family who were being snobby, only to have them later welcome donations with open arms once they realised a) kids all puke up on them and nothing stays nice for long; b) they grow out of them so fast that half the 'hand me downs' still have the labels on them and c) they are unbelievably expensive to clothe over the long term and the money is much better spent elsewhere (or gifted to charity c.f. heartsofoak)

I buy all my kids stuff from Tesco and Asda and after hundreds of washes they have yet to fall apart!

The supermarket clothes get a lot more compliments than their Christmas and birthday clothes from Next and M&S.

How sad, totally missing the point of your excitement about your pfb, don't bother telling people like that and don't bother with this person. How miserable and I would say passive aggressive behaviour due to jealousy.

I like your advice skamel it could be applied to everything in life where people try to control or unnerve you. The thing is people who make these kind of comments are not always doing so from a good place to be constructive. It's sometimes displaced anger relating to themselves and therefore we need to do what skamel suggests so that we don't let people's passive aggressive behaviour infiltrate our thoughts and create self doubt and affect our self esteem. These little things can start building up and make us feel depressed, something you're more vulnerable to with a young baby, particularly your first imo. Enjoy your baby, it's hard enough with sleepless nights and learning to care for a baby without that kind of stuff to deal with.

Whatever you decided to do with, and for your baby is your choice, and therefore right. Ignore people who try to spoil things for you - jealousy is sad and destructive for the nasty person it emanates from. Some people choose second hand for many reasons, including financial, but you have chosen to buy new for your lovely baby, and in doing so you are keeping employers going in your own small way. This 'friend' seem to have a lot of information about baby groups doesn't she? I have been to two different ones when my children were very small, and in each there was a nasty clique who sat criticising, but most were happy friendly mums who made me welcome. Let the snipers boil in their own bile - they are probably terrible mothers if they spend their time being nasty instead of happy. Good luck with you baby and every happiness to you.

YABU because the brands you mention aren't posh at all they are where I got DD's basics! One of my NCT pals is 'that mum' with the designer baby and she buys all mini rodini, tiny cottons, Bobo chooses etc. I love that stuff but the price makes my eyes water. Difference being she's a professional and a high earner and I'm not. We both have bought our PFBs new clothes within our budgets and I don't resent her!

I think as PP have said, your problem is that of tone and choice of words not actions. I got pregnant first time I ever tried without contraception, is my DD not special?

Dachshund "I got pregnant first time I ever tired without contraception..." Seriously?? Is that some kind of weird stealth boast I'm guessing not many people would have liked to befriend you at a baby group if that's the kind of thing you say, talking about what clothes you've bought pales in comparison as a faux pas imo.

Not sure if it has been said but, we need people to buy brand new, to provide others with the opportunity to buy secondhand.

Nothing wrong with either. You need 'one' for the 'other' to exist!

I used to buy all designer clothes for my 2 daughters. It's my guilty pleasure and I love to spoil them. I know it's not important or necessary but it's my business. Anyway I have a friend who always looks my girls up and down when she sees them and tells me that I don't need to dress them in such expensive gear and it's a waste of money! I used to tell her my husband bought them etc and make excuses. I used to get really pissed off with her. She would actually look angry when her own daughter was dressed sometimes scruffily but she would go to the hairdressers every week.
I decided one day just to ignore her comments and rub her face in it by telling her how much I spent on items when she asked. She would be shocked and actually stopped inviting me to get- toget hers with her daughter. Pathetic. I don't see so much if her these days and all of the clothes I buy I give in immaculate condition to friends daughters which they love and because the quality is good they actually get handed down again so they are well used which gives me pleasure.

I buy lots of second hand, but wouldn't judge you. I am really interested in healthy food and not using TV much. I think I get judged for that. The issue is the judging and competing. people who accept each other's different approaches with understanding that we are all dealing with different challenges, and offer support and friendship are like hens teeth, but worth the wait.

OP fine if you want to buy all new. No problem with that, fire on. But if you had been going on and on about your oh so precious baby deserving "nice" (implying second hand is not ever nice) things, then I'd be fed up, irritated and thinking you needed a reality check. Do you really think your baby is more special in a way to you than anyone else's baby is to them? Cos that is exactly how your posts come across. Your wording and phrasing is bordering offensive - and I say that as someone who had 2 losses before DS. Your phrasing leaves a lot to be desired. Maybe your friend has had losses too but doesn't share about them? Have you even considered that possibility?

The so called "friend" who poured scorn, and said you would be vilified is one nasty bitch! Get rid of her.

If no one bought new stuff there would be no second hand. Try reminding her of that.

Welcome to mothering. You can please some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all the people all the time. Get used to brushing it off, there is plenty to come. There is far worse to feel judged about it!.

As quarkandmarmite says, someone has to buy it new so the rest of us can buy it second hand.

I economized massively during maternity leave and dithered about buying wee outfits and nice toys for ages. Then the first month back at work childcare was £800. I kicked myself for not just getting at least some of the stuff I had really lusted after.

If you take it too far or go on about it people will think you're a bit nutty (thinking of kid at school with 100 t-shirts or whatever his mum told me).

Like a few here have mentioned, buying secondhand clothes is now extremely acceptable and in fact encouraged and praised. It's more economical and also environmentally friendly as you're reusing rather than adding. However, we need people to buy these clothes from or to have them handed down. I have a mixture of both used and new clothes for my children. I guess the 'snobbery' vibe comes from rejecting offers of hand-me downs from friends and family or making a comment as you have to say you 'don't do secondhand' . To me that does sound a bit snobby- what if it's a lovely outfit? Your baby wouldn't know the difference?

Op I really do get it.. My dc are older but I've had people comment in front of me and them on the cost of their trainers, what a waste of money etc etc.. (I guess brands are more obvious on that sort of thing than baby clothes but still).. I'm actually on quite a low income, but it's my money and my choice. I also have friends who enjoy rummaging through charity shops, and I respect that as their money and their choice. It's the judgmental folks that can hurt either way. Anyway congrats op on your bundle of joy, don't let anyone ruin a moment of it for you.

I still enjoy buying lovely things for my Dd. She's 17