Am I "that mum"?

[pepsi001]

I've waited a long time to meet a nice man to marry and have a baby. I'm 37 I thought this would never happen for me. I'm over the moon and of course my little girl is my pfb.

Lately I've become aware of a kind of reverse snobbery. All of a sudden I'm in the wrong for wanting nice things for my daughter. I'm buy lovely clothes from M&S and Boden and Next and she had a Sophie and I adore Mamas and Papas.

I don't go into debt. I buy things on sale and on special discount days. I don't really do second hand or hand me downs - not there's anything wrong with that and I never judge how other people want to spend their money or not, but I'm made to feel like a bad person because I don't want to do that and would rather buy new.

I aiming to keep everything nice and then sell on when not needed again to recoup the cost slightly.

Why this reverse snobbery to boast about how everything you have is cheap or second hand or hand me down and anyone who actually buys nice things is a bad person?

AIBU?

Why this reverse snobbery to boast about how everything you have is cheap or second hand or hand me down and anyone who actually buys nice things is a bad person

So cheap, hand me down and second hand can't be nice as well, then? I see.

I'm buy lovely clothes from M&S and Boden and Next and she had a Sophie and I adore Mamas and Papas

I'm fairly certain that many, many babies have clothes from M&S, Boden and Next, OP!

Mentioning 'Sophie' sounds like you want to be noticed for the things you buy. Not that Sophie isn't very popular, but why mention it?

You do have a way with words OP, and I wonder if that why your friend lost patience. Your take on it is that she was writhing with jealousy and bitterness at your M&S shopping, which is a bit odd really.

I find boys clothes from mamas and papas a bit weird, like little Victorian chimney sweeps with flat caps.

*I never buy baby things 2nd hand and don't know anyone who does this in RL. I don't like the thought that someone else's baby has weed/pooed/dribbled/thrown up on them!

I waited until I was in a good position financially before having a baby. I love buying clothes and toys and get excited when the new ranges come out. Next, M&S, John Lewis, Toby Tiger etc all do lovely soft cotton clothes and they wash well, so I feel it's worth it. The Tesco things I bought fell apart after a few washes!*

This person above is "that mum" Not you.

All my daughter's clothes bar gifts are second hand shop bought or hand me downs, (Actually bought a £4 coat in the charity shop for my 16 month old last week, looked online and its over £100 new!)

I look in shops and would love to buy clothes new, but can't afford. But to be honest nobody knows I buy second hand because I don't know any mums who talk about stuff like that besides saying "oh what a pretty dress" we would just say thank you not "oh it was 99p in the charity shop/£25 from Boden"

Despite her old puked and shit on clothes from the charity shop (snigger) she still gets compliments about how she is dressed quite regularly as I'm sure your daughter does. Nothing wrong with buying it if you can. Just don't see why people need to know either way if we are buying these things because we like them and not as a status symbol or a "who is the thriftiest" competition.

People are too intetested in other peoples business i feel. I like my two children (8&6) to always look nice, however im not prissy and love it when they have fun playing and get filthy. Most of their clothes are bought from Next, however i have had 2nd hand bits, after washing them whats the difference? If your paying for your children's clothes then its none of anyone elses damn business!

I don't even know who buys new or second hand, or what brand, for their kids.

I would bet my life that you get those comments because of your attitude, as shown in comments like this:
pepsi001 Sun 05-Jun-16 09:30:48
I chose to have a child - she's precious to me as I thought she'd never happen and I like dressing her nice and looking out for lovely toys etc. I feel absolutely lucky to have her.

EVERYONE'S children are precious to them.
Everyone feels lucky to have their children.
Whether they do or don't spend a fortune on designer clothes and brand new toys is not an indication of how 'precious' they are.

So yeah, you probably are 'that mum', but not in the way you meant.

I think it's up to you where you get your child's clothes from. As long as you can afford it it's your choice.
When my DD was a baby someone at a baby group had a go at me for not buying all my baby clothes in Primark as they only get ruined. I pointed out a lot of clothes were presents and it was up to me where I bought her clothes from!

OP, no one else 'makes you feel' anything - you feel as you do as a product of your own thinking. Any 'reverse snobbery' is your perception based on your own insecurities - most humans are the same. Why the focus on the judgements your perceive others are making? Motherhood is only a competitive arena if you choose to take part. Who cares if others think you're flashy and wasteful (if they do) and who cares if people think I'm a slovenly, vomit-covered and rather threadbare mother with badly turned out children? We're all just muddling along with the cards dealt to us and what other people think is of no consequence.

Ignore them. Your money, your choice. I find that people make horrible remarks when they are jealous. As long as you're not boasting, just do what makes you happy.

What Imogenj said. Absolutely. You need to re-evaluate why it is so important what other people think, if your friend isn't your cup of tea anymore then step away. I spent some wasteful time worrying that I wasn't enough when my children were little. Wish I could go back and slap myself.

ProteusRising

I didn't see that comment the OP made. Damn my skim reading. Once you start projecting why you do what you dow ith your child onto other people that's when you become one of those mums.

Too true, my daughter wears second hand clothes and sits in a second hand buggy, doesn't make her second hand worth. She is my world. To be fair I know she gives not two shits what I dress her in as long as she can move and play in it, so the little money I have goes on experiences rather than materials, but, if you have both do both.

I've never known parents who care either way what each other's children are wearing or using and the expense bur I guess it depends on who you associate with.

Someone has to buy them new so I can buy them 2nd hand!

I reflection concentrating on baby items is a pfb baby specific period. It's a phase that passes when the kids interact more and do more fun things :-)

I only notice what other people's children are wearing if
a) it's something I actually like. Then I might comment. I wouldn't give a monkeys if the answer was "I got it for 2p in a charity shop/my rich aunt sends me 20 things a month because she has more money than she knows what to do with". It's just conversation!
b) it's not practical. We live by the seaside and there are lots of parks and adventure playgrounds nearby. I hate hate hate seeing little girls in dresses and glittery slip on shoes they cannot run and climb in, or boys in pristine white trainers (WTF ?, being told not to do stuff because of their clothes. Same with babies/toddlers and food/crawling/messy play. Kids get mucky. Buy nice if you're happy to throw the Vanish stain stick on it every night and sacrifice a few things to stains. Buy cheap/hand me down if you'd rather they start scruffy and get scruffier!

I think its a silly thread to put together who cares maybe you're friend doesn't want to hear about where you buy you're DD clothes. Not everything is about material and not everyone can afford it that is what you should be teaching you're daughter as she grows up.

Buy what you want.

I did have lots of second-hand and hand-me-down clothes when my kids were babies/toddlers. Because there are so many sources of them.

Now they are junior school age, I buy new. There are no obvious sources of second-hand any more. Most the charity shops around here have mainly much smaller childrens clothes. Kids start wearing their clothes out instead of growing out of them so the hand-me-downs dry up too. And they want or need more specific things that it would be hard to search out second-hand, easier to buy new.

I bought all my son's clothes second hand off a woman I work with and never had a problem. My dp ex insists that their son only wear brand names and clothes from next, we bought him an outfit from asda once and she threw it away telling us " that her son will not be seen in pikey clothes!"
We've never bought him clothes since and my dp refuses to spend ridiculous amounts of money on kids clothes only for them to get ruined.

My dp ex insists that their son only wear brand names and clothes from next

I don't understand the idea by some mumsnetters that Next clothes are great quality and so much better than supermarket clothes. Next made quality and even chic clothes about 20 years ago now they are poof quality, often covered in the word Next and their boy's clothes in particular are not nice. You get much better clothes at Boots for the same price for babies.

Enjoy your little girl! And your shopping!

why would you buy Boden for yourself and Tesco for your child??

Because my child will grow out of it in a few months but I might wear my clothes for several years?

I agree puglife, I have clothes that I have Ben wearing for decades. Babies wear things for a few weeks, sometimes a new born outfit is only worn a few times. It makes sense therefore to spend more on adult clothes.

People will only know that you buy new if you brag tell them.

If other parents decide to buy second hand and decide to tell their friends about it what does that have to do with you?

And remember that you would rather buy new because you can. Others prefer not to because their budget doesn't stretch that far. It's not always a choice.

Thank God for people like you who buy expensive new stuff for the 2-and-a-half weeks it will fit your child. I was always extremely grateful to find it in charity shops as good as new. And no-one knew whether I'd bought it new or not. (Although most of my friend know about my joy in good-quality bargains :-) )

I'm another that finds this odd, the mention of Sophie is a little baffling?

We're expecting our second child and she has a combination of second hand, new, expensive and cheap clothes but I've not received any comments from anyone.

We could potentially have spent a lot on clothes/baby things as we had set aside quite a bit of money for the IVF we were very close to needing but have only spent a fraction of it because it's just stuff and clothes, who honestly cares? baby sure as hell doesn't and I don't think your friends cares half as much as you think, I think there is some projection going on.

"downright nastiness I've experienced from said friend and members of family who think my and other peoples spending is ridiculous "

I find this really odd.

How do people know what other people spend, let alone care?

Does Op tell them?

Do they look online to check??

All personal choice.

I like hand me downs, especially for babies. (At a certain age, they ruin everything). But really, it's your child and your money.

Some advice - try to not to give a shit. Because from here it is the slippery slope, and there are plenty of idiots who are just thrilled to judge you for every possible decision you do or do not make. It goes for everything from the irrelevant stuff to the really big stuff.

It will make your life a lot easier if you don't give it a second thought.