Am I "that mum"?

[pepsi001]

I've waited a long time to meet a nice man to marry and have a baby. I'm 37 I thought this would never happen for me. I'm over the moon and of course my little girl is my pfb.

Lately I've become aware of a kind of reverse snobbery. All of a sudden I'm in the wrong for wanting nice things for my daughter. I'm buy lovely clothes from M&S and Boden and Next and she had a Sophie and I adore Mamas and Papas.

I don't go into debt. I buy things on sale and on special discount days. I don't really do second hand or hand me downs - not there's anything wrong with that and I never judge how other people want to spend their money or not, but I'm made to feel like a bad person because I don't want to do that and would rather buy new.

I aiming to keep everything nice and then sell on when not needed again to recoup the cost slightly.

Why this reverse snobbery to boast about how everything you have is cheap or second hand or hand me down and anyone who actually buys nice things is a bad person?

AIBU?

I will admit to raising an eyebrow at a little girl in moschino shoes out of jealousy but surely whatever we spend on our children is up to the individual - some won't spend because it'll just get dirty/they'll only be in it five minutes, some will spend because they can and have every right to. I would have thought m&s and Boden etc are fairly standard places to buy baby clothes because they all wash well and don't break the bank. I buy new but am ecstatically pleased if someone hands something down to me 'those mums' sound like they might be ok people to be. Your friend sounds like a judgemental wander.

I've had chats with other friends where they might be planning a wedding or having a baby and they mention plans where they've been etc and I wouldn't pass comment on them spending money stupidly or judge for getting second hand.

Even that you said that means you judged (a little) as that's what you took from the conversation.

I wouldn't judge anyone for buying new, but I do judge people who buy designer or spend £25 on a pair of leggings for a 3 month old. I know it makes me a cow but I can't fathom it - I would rather other stuff than fancy clothes.

Ugh to reverse snobbery. I dress my dds in joules and boden they look gorgeous, my pride and joy. I also resell and do quite well out of it.
I have never asked anyone's opinion about the above though I do get compliments on their clothes. Likewise I've never scrutinised the clothes of other children or taken any notice of whether they are new or hand me downs or whatever. What an odd thing to do?

Op this person who said all that is just plain rude. It's also slightly patronising suggesting you can't manage your own finances.

I tend to buy John Lewis in the sale, Boden when discounted, Next, Gap etc for 'home' and Tesco/Asda for nursery as they get stained. I also pick up good quality bits from charity shops because I love a bargain - Monsoon baby trousers for £1.75!

I buy a far bit of unisex so I can hand it down. I also pass things onto dsis and sell items in bundles.

Get what you want if it's within your means. I love shopping for my dc.

And re keeping everything nice for resale - you'd be surprised. I sold a joules baby outfit for I think £15 lately, went to wrap it and realised there were stains down the front. I sent a photo to the buyer and asked what she wanted to do - I would have refunded or given a discount - I was mortified! The reply was don't worry please post ASAP!

So the hell what! Be whatever mom you want to be. As long as your DC and you and DP are happy, forget every one else's opinions. Congratulations on your precious baby x

I really don't think I love my baby anymore than anyone else - obviously to me she is special and again if a friend had been through what I had i would sympathise and understand that they believe their baby is special to them.

I think you should definitely rethink how you're phrasing that. Of course your child is special to you. All children are special to their parents.

I was lucky enough to have no problems having my children - conceived quickly, no miscarriages, so as I said, I'm very lucky there - but believe me, my children are very precious to me. They mean the world to me. And I would find it insulting if someone was to suggest to me that my children are somehow "less special" than theirs because I've been fortunate enough to have no fertility problems. This may not be what you're meaning to say, but it's implied by the wording you've used.

Only read the first page but maybe it's not you buying new things for your baby that's causing offence but the fact that you keep saying that it's because you feel so lucky to have your dd and she's precious to you and that's why you do it. I think most parents feel that way regardless of how much they spend on 'things' so maybe they think that you are implying their child is less wanted or something because they don't/can't spend as much on them. Or that they are being judged for not being financially as stable when having kids?

I'd estimate that 50% of my immediate friendship group have suffered miscarriages or ectopic pregnancy losses but happily went on to have children in their mid-late 30's, myself (x2) included. I honestly don't think it's puts any of us in a 'special' group of people whose babies (if we're lucky enough to then go on and have them) mean more to us. I feel uncomfortable reading anything that suggests that.

My friends don't care what my dd wears. I don't care what their dc wear. You need new friends. It's not normal to go around looking at each other's clothes to see whether they're new or second had or whatnot. Who cares. Nobody cares whether you buy lovely new things for your pfb, and you shouldn't care whether they buy cheap old things for their dc.

I think personally that spending a fortune on baby clothes is a bit mad, mainly because a) they grow like bloody weeds and can grow out of stuff within weeks sometimes before they've even worn an outfit DD1 and b) once they start weaning they stain bloody everything they wear despite being covered in a giant bib.

And then they start walking and half their clothes get covered in grass stains or whatever and then they start nursery and it's paint and more bloody food.

So in essence, I basically clothed my kids in cheap affordable clothing with one or two nice outfits for special occasions. Because to be honest their clothes spent more time being washed than on their bodies.

And I would most definitely tell a first time expectant mum (if asked) not to bother with half the baby furniture or baby bath or one of those complicated travel systems unless they were going to actually use it regularly because it is a waste of money.

So enjoy your baby, enjoy the clothes shopping (I so miss shopping for little clothes which are just adorable) but don't limit yourself to the expensive stuff because your little one will start to wreck things at some stage and you probably will get sad that the expensive outfit is now ruined by an orange stain that stubbornly refuses to come out.

We were pretty skint growing up - never had much new and money was tight. I still get genuine joy scoring a bargain.

But I also love being able to buy my son something if I want to.

There's so much judgement on parents. New clothes, hand me downs, it really doesn't matter as long as they're loved. As long as you're not making anyone else feel bad about their actions, then carry on as you are.

Ignore!!! I'm 39 and my pfb DD is wearing Joules and slobbering over her Sophie and couldn't give a toss if anyone thinks badly of me. Meh

She wears joules, John Lewis, Boden - for some reason all the supermarket brands seems to be emblazoned with tacky slogans and I just don't like them

I can't remember the last time I spent any money on myself but I love being able to buy DD nice things

People have different attitudes to money, but I don't get why anybody would care about somebody else's money priorities (as long as it's not your own partner). Everyone 'wastes' money on something that other people wouldn't. Like entertainment, eating out, hobbies - everyone has something they would spend money on that other people would consider a stupid waste.

I don't care about clothes but equally I don't care if my friends love clothes and dress expensively. I too have things I spend money on that they don't give a shit about. Live and let live. It is neither snobbery nor is it reverse snobbery.

I know someone from my antenatal group who is exactly like this with reverse snobbery. In her case, it is purely because she doesn't have the money to buy things and I think it makes her feel better to have digs at those who can so they don't talk about it and make upset her that she can't afford it. She strongly believes that first birthday parties are a total waste and just an opportunity for parents to show off to each other what they have bought their children. She thinks this way even if the party in question consists of just the parents and grandparents having a cup of tea in the afternoon of the birthday and the only present being something that is needed, like a multipack of clothes (secondhand or new).

But do not mix up this horrible type of person for the many many lovely people who purely buy lots of secondhand things so they have more money for other things or because they cannot afford new but do not resent those who can - after all, how will they get great secondhand bargains if nobody will buy the things in the first place?

I really couldn't care less what other people spend on their children.

But two things about your posts do jar slightly, OP.

The one being that your dd is special to you, in a way that other people's children cannot be to them, because of the difficulties you had in having her. That suggests difficulties in understanding how other people's minds work. (It is also distinctly odd: does that mean that my dd, who nearly died in an accident as a toddler, should be more precious to me than my ds who is the picture of health? Not just odd- but wrong.)

The second, which I see you have already denied upthread. is that saying that you buy these things because your dd is precious to you does kind of raise the question of whether there is any actual correspondence between preciousness of child and parent who likes dressing child in a certain way. My SIL used to bang on a lot about how she much she enjoys buying things for her ds because he is so special- I am sure it also helped that she earned about twice what I did. And that she happens to be somebody who enjoys shopping and associates gifts with affection, which I don't necessarily do in the same way.

By 'that mum' I wonder if she means the mum who is envied. In an item specific way I mean - babies are an equal
Gift
The op already admitted pfb behaviour.
People who give you grief for spending more than the minimum are the same ones who look down on your if you bother your arse with doing your make up and wearing nice outfits when you are out with your baby. Brace yourself op if you haven't encountered that judgey witch yet.

OP i wouldn't have dreamed of dressing PFB in anything 2nd hand. I even washed all new clothing twice before I would allow it to touch his precious skin. By the time I got to my 3rd child my attitude drastically changed. By the time I had my 5th I made it a policy to look in skips spend the minimal amount on clothing, as I realized that babies are as cheap or expensive as you want them to be, but they don't know if they are sleeping in a drawer or a Versace diamante studded crib. Older children do however require more money so I always advise first time parents to not go mad initially and to instead put money away for clubs/sports etc in the future.

OP the shops you buy from are mainstream. If you were buying all Armani/Versace I could see why someone might advise you to reign it in, but that is not the case. It really does not matter where you bought your dc's clothes from, I don't even discuss these things with my friends, other than "oh that's a nice top, where is that from?"

"She had a Sophie..." I'm not sure how that sets her apart from the other two million UK babies? It is not a luxury item! There isn't a correlation between money spent on clothes/furniture and good parenting. Unless you are in a very deprived area I would not say you are doing anything different to most mums. Enjoy your dc, forget what your so-called friend is saying.

If people want to buy something, there is no need to justify it to anyone. I love when people say they have to buy Boden, Frugi etc because it washes better. I have a 2nd hand Boden jumper dress for dd and an almost identical Asda one. There is really no difference in how they wash! As for Tesco clothes falling apart after one wash

When mine were little I bought almost everything second hand because I lived near London's Nappy Valley so it was quicker to pop into the Fara Kids shop and buy everything

I used to do this too! That Fara kids can be brilliant! I bought a lovely mamas and papas sit on toy from there and a bumbo. And the nappy valley Nct sales? Brilliant.

The only thing that stands out from your post is how much you say you want your dd to have 'nice things'. We all want our children to have nice things. Just because you can afford to buy everything new doesn't mean that second hand things can't be nice. I buy mostly new for my DC but I have also had some amazing second hand items (see above).

You 'believe' other people's children are precious to them? Well yes. Your dd is precious to you. My children are precious to me. Regardless of how long I took to have them. If you can't understand that then that will grate on people.

Oh and don't knock second hand entirely, you can get some brilliant stuff depending on where you shop.

Dolka has just said what I was going to. M and s, next, etc are high street (and with next crappy quality too) op is hardly covering her child in baby Dior. These are just normal shops where loads of normal people buy normal clothes for their normal children. And loads of other people, also completely normal, put their own normal children in the same clothes later on when they are grown out of but still have loads of wear in them.

(Except next. Never known anything from next still to have wear in it. )

No one should feel bad or smug about any of it unless they're putting themselves in debt because trust me that baby is going to get a hell of a lot more expensive in a few years and the last thing you want is debt now you can avoid!

Oh I missed the "nice things" versus the "cheap" things OP as I said my youngest really only wore second hand for the first five years. Many people would comment on how "nice" her clothes were and that "they must have cost a fortune". I always told them they were from car boot sales I want "cheap" stuff, but that does not mean that I go around targeting clothes with holes/rips/stains on them. Of course everyone wants nice things!

I'm a bit baffled by the relevance of Sophie. Every single baby I've met in the last ten years has a Sophie! Is it a big treat? My two boys got through four of them

They are teethers which cost about £18 iirc.
After two dds my fave clothes a retailer for price and design is boots hands down but dd1 is too old for them now. I am gutted. Next clothes crumble - never had this issue with any supermarket brands but design wise I am very fussy and the kids are not billboards