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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I "that mum"?

283 replies

pepsi001 · 05/06/2016 09:14

I've waited a long time to meet a nice man to marry and have a baby. I'm 37 I thought this would never happen for me. I'm over the moon and of course my little girl is my pfb.

Lately I've become aware of a kind of reverse snobbery. All of a sudden I'm in the wrong for wanting nice things for my daughter. I'm buy lovely clothes from M&S and Boden and Next and she had a Sophie and I adore Mamas and Papas.

I don't go into debt. I buy things on sale and on special discount days. I don't really do second hand or hand me downs - not there's anything wrong with that and I never judge how other people want to spend their money or not, but I'm made to feel like a bad person because I don't want to do that and would rather buy new.

I aiming to keep everything nice and then sell on when not needed again to recoup the cost slightly.

Why this reverse snobbery to boast about how everything you have is cheap or second hand or hand me down and anyone who actually buys nice things is a bad person?

AIBU?

OP posts:

branofthemist · 05/06/2016 09:44

There is reverse snobbery and often is just as judgmental as snobbery.

I have seen it and experienced it.

Also people like judge people. It is worse (imp) when you are a parent and if you are a woman.

Personally I out a lot of It down to a bit of jealousy.

DelphiniumBlue · 05/06/2016 09:44

Maybe best not to talk about what you've bought, brands etc. Can come across as being inappropriately bragging, especially to someone not well off as you - and its often the case that you wouldn't know how well off someone is unless they tell you.
Plus it doesn't make for interesting conversation - save it for your mum, or someone you know will be interested.

ipsogenix · 05/06/2016 09:45

I think that one of the things about becoming a Mum is that we suddenly feel as though we are in the wrong for absolutely everything. It takes a while to get a thick enough skin to ignore it. Probably just as we manage that the kids get old enough to tell us that we are wrong too.

timelytess · 05/06/2016 09:45

People get very jealous. Don't bother hiding who you are. The people who don't like you, leave them behind.

LifeInJeneral · 05/06/2016 09:47

If there weren't some people buying things brand new somewhere along the line then those of us who can only afford second hand would not have anyone to buy them from haha. Maybe point that out to your friend...

MrsJayy · 05/06/2016 09:47

Some kids are dressed in hessian sacks and are carried about in wheelbarrows and the parents boast about their frugal and ethical lifestyle and see it as a badge of honour your "friend" sounds an arse and maybe its time for a new friend buy your baby what you like and want

MumOnACornishFarm · 05/06/2016 09:48

Nope, YANBU. I have noticed this a LOT where I live. It's a weird race to the bottom. "Oh this? Yes I just dug it out of a skip. Was fine once I scraped the mushrooms and mold off, but a little spot of botulism boosts their immunity, doesn't it?" I am someone who does buy second hand and accepts lots of hand-me-downs. My son has very little that is brand new, but when he does it's built to last (like Frugi clothing for example).This is partly because of need (we are super broke) and partly because that's my personal belief and I don't like the thought of putting more and more stuff into the world if I can help it. However, snobbery is snobbery and I cannot stand it. Judging someone by your own standards is just crappy, and unnecessary. Don't worry about what anyone says or thinks about the decisions you make, it's nobody's business but yours and your lovely baby's.

treaclesoda · 05/06/2016 09:49

I have never met anyone who gives a stuff if other people's stuff is brand new or second hand. I have some 'extravagant' purchases, because I wanted them and could afford them. I also have some charity shop purchases, because I saw them and liked them. Interestingly, in real life, no one can ever tell the difference between the two unless I happened to tell them.

Blueraccoon · 05/06/2016 09:49

If you think about it, for there to be 2nd hand stuff to buy for those who prefer that somebody has to have bought it new in the first place! So you are simply providing the supply for their demand. Doing them a favour really

treaclesoda · 05/06/2016 09:51

And no, to answer your question, you are not that mum. The only way you would be that mum would be if you started insinuating that people who dress their children in hand me downs don't care about them as much as people who buy expensive stuff. Which again is a sentiment I have only ever witnessed on mumsnet, and not in real life.

Curiousmum69 · 05/06/2016 09:51

I think there is an element of people being reverse snobs but for myself it's more about the mass consumerism and the explotation behind buying everything new. Children outgrow things very quickly and it is a terrible waste of resources to buy everything new.

But each to their own

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 05/06/2016 09:51

Yes. Ignore her. Each to their own. My DC were also dressed in Boden, M&S, Next etc. Now they're teens its Hollister/ Superdry etc not Primark or H&M.

Once your DD is a bit older you might be tempted by 2nd hand Boden dresses etc for playing out in. I used to eBay used Boden and get quite a lot!

greenfolder · 05/06/2016 09:52

Just ignore.

I have been a parent for 21 years. In that time I have had some lovely new stuff for first baby, generous single broody friends. I have had shed loads of second hand stuff and passed it on. Hand me down cots and prams and passed it on. With last baby I went out and bought brand new everything. Cot pram the lot. Why? Cis I could afford it and wanted to.

I have also met a whole load of people that are obsessed with second hand baby stuff. It's their hobby. Let them play.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 05/06/2016 09:52

Just ignore them. Most people won't care where you get your baby things.

I had lots of second hand baby stuff as I didn't really see the point of spending a lot on something they outgrow so quickly, but I couldn't care less what other people dress their babies in.
And plenty of people get new baby clothes from the shops you mention as presents anyway.

(We had a Sophie the Giraffe too. Its squeaking terrified DS1)

MumOnACornishFarm · 05/06/2016 09:54

Good point blueraccoon! OP should carry on as she is and I will buy it all off her cheap later on

PortiaCastis · 05/06/2016 09:57

How do people know if your stuff is new unless you tell them?

Lovelydiscusfish · 05/06/2016 09:58

Your friend has no right to be unpleasant to you about your choices - and for her to say you will be vilified at baby groups is downright horrible and ridiculous. How would the potential vilifiers (even if they do exist, which I would strongly question) know that you had bought the stuff new anyway? Presumably you won't be talking solely about stuff you have purchased.
Having said all that, I did notice that you say lots of times that you buy new because you want your daughter to have "nice things". That could be taken to imply (and I presume you don't mean it) that those of us who buy second hand don't want our children to have nice things? Obviously some people aren't bothered about material items (and I admire them for it) but lots of other people, like me, buy second hand and are also quite materialistic and concerned with appearances - I would say my dd is always dressed "nicely" (apart from when out on muddy walks etc, obviously) yet hardly ever wears anything new. Same for myself.

Buckinbronco · 05/06/2016 09:59

I don't think there is such a thing as "that mum" in respect of buying new things, which is a totally normal thing to do
Who says these things to you? It's a bit odd I think that you're even talking about it, maybe you talk about things like that too much and it gets people's back up? I have friends who do similar and it's annoying. You think I am really not impressed you have the spare money to buy a few low value items so stop going on

Originalfoogirl · 05/06/2016 09:59

I buy stuff new, mainly because I hate shopping and the thought of dragging my butt round car boots or charity shops to rake for the item I'm looking for would do my nut in.

I shop wherever happens to be close and buy whatever is within my budget. Of course my baby didn't care what she wore, but to suggest a person will just dress them in anything because of that is ridiculous. If I saw a designer outfit and it looked cute and I could afford it, I'd buy it. If someone can easily afford a £20 babygro, then the fact the baby will grow out of it is irrelevant. To me it all comes down to that ugly envy of anyone who has more money. Would I shell out for designer clothes and toys and prams for my baby if I had the money? Probably not as its not to my taste. Would I pay way more than something was worth, because I liked it and wanted to have it? If I had the cash, yes I would. My money, my family, my choice. If people are going to judge me for that, that's their problem, not mine.

I do get annoyed with the current fashion for those with money being "seen" in places like Aldi or buying charity etc. As if they are choosing this uber cool alternative lifestyle. Smacks of "doing as the peasants do, isn't it quaint" If you want to shop there and save money, go for your life but stop using "poor" as a fashion statement.

RosieThorn · 05/06/2016 10:02

The only way you would be that mum would be if you started insinuating that people who dress their children in hand me downs don't care about them as much as people who buy expensive stuff

^^This.

If you're not getting into debt or spending more than you can realistically afford and you're not running around boasting about what your child has and trying to make anyone else feel inferior for their choices then I can't see the harm.

PotteringAlong · 05/06/2016 10:02

I would ignore too BUT...

You are also making a judgement. My children are precious to me. I also feel lucky to have them. I also like making sure they have nice things. I cannot justify buying their clothes at mamas and papas and Boden.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 05/06/2016 10:06

YANBU.
Never bought second hand for either of mine either. I like buying clothes for them. I can afford it. Don't give a toss what other people think. Same as I don't give a toss if other people buy second/third/fourteenth hand stuff for their children. As long as they're clothed.

Gide · 05/06/2016 10:06

*But if you bought second-hand, cheaper stuff you could donate the money saved to, say, sponsor a child's education in a deprived country.

Then you are clothing your precious dd who doesn't give a hoot about what she wears and 'paying back' on the good fortune and gratitude you feel at having your dd. How lovely a thing would that be!!*

Oh, please, seriously?! Why the heck should she do that? This is about her adoring her DD and wanting to buy her nice stuff. We don't always have to consider less fortunate kids. That could be something separate with a charity donation or whatever. You're saying the same as the people who've been having a go at her, just dressing it up as the 'right thing to do'. If she has the money, why shouldn't she get the new clothes? Maybe she already sponsors a child elsewhere. It's unfair for people to judge her and make snide comments.

StellaOne · 05/06/2016 10:08

No, you're not 'that mum'. You're just A mum, doing what you want to do for your child.

SisterViktorine · 05/06/2016 10:11

I bought everything new for DS and was very fussy about what he wore. I hated slogans and 'mini man' clothes so ended up buying everything Boden or Scandi. He also had all new toys- not much plastic or anything that made a noise. He is 6 now and sitting opposite me in a primark marvel tshirt- the compulsion to cocoon them in high brand super-soft cotton wears off!

However I never talked about this to anyone. I would not have found myself excitedly telling a friend about everything I had bought.

I had a friend who became a materialistic mum-zilla. Her idea of a good time became getting the Bamboo Baby catalogue out over coffee. Don't be that mum.

There is a tiny whiff of 'I do it because my baby is precious'. That will piss people off if you are leaking that because it implies their baby in hand-me-downs is not precious.

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