Am I "that mum"?

[pepsi001]

I've waited a long time to meet a nice man to marry and have a baby. I'm 37 I thought this would never happen for me. I'm over the moon and of course my little girl is my pfb.

Lately I've become aware of a kind of reverse snobbery. All of a sudden I'm in the wrong for wanting nice things for my daughter. I'm buy lovely clothes from M&S and Boden and Next and she had a Sophie and I adore Mamas and Papas.

I don't go into debt. I buy things on sale and on special discount days. I don't really do second hand or hand me downs - not there's anything wrong with that and I never judge how other people want to spend their money or not, but I'm made to feel like a bad person because I don't want to do that and would rather buy new.

I aiming to keep everything nice and then sell on when not needed again to recoup the cost slightly.

Why this reverse snobbery to boast about how everything you have is cheap or second hand or hand me down and anyone who actually buys nice things is a bad person?

AIBU?

I'm with Eatshit and Pie! (and not because I just wanted to type their usernames....)

Nearly fell over laughing at the you should donate to charity remark. What a classic!. It's not the concept itself obviously - but Lordy what a trite remark. Can you and or your children/relatives not consume less calories per week and donate the money saved to the less well off?. In fact if you buy food with no packaging you could save the environment while you are at it. If you just publish your accounts and spending I am sure we can all give you our views on how you could achieve this. Non?.

IME no one cares what I have bought my PFB, or can tell whether it's second hand or where it's come from. I do like a reverse boast if I have managed to grab a spectacular bargain though!. Can't imagine I have ever offended anyone with this

Don't give it all away til you are sure you've done having kids. Keep all your favorite items just in case. Enjoy being with your daughter your way. It all passes so fast - by 2 years old my little ones were wanting to chose their own clothes.

Pepsi, you sound like a great mum. Do you want to adopt me? I'm potty trained and I promise to not lift the cat by its tail.

I got it when I got a brand new Bugaboo Donkey. One woman said I needed my head testing to spend nearly £2k on a pushchair (after I'd bought all the accessories etc I wanted.) It really isn't anyone else's business.

Just jealousy I think.

It really isn't. I think it is mad to spend that much on a pram, that comes from genuine amazement and not jealousy.

OP, I got this attitude from my actual sisters.

At one point, after consuming alcoho,l they went as far as calling me a "chav". Because my DC are not dressed in home made clothes and wear Startrite shoes, rather than foot wear crafted by a yurt-dweller.

Funnily enough, their DC turned out extremely normal (by my book) and one of my DC is embracing vegnism in order to save the planet. I wonder if it's a gene thing.

The only down side is that I feel bad mentioning if I ever spend any money. But spending money on travel (not package holidays, obviously) seems to be applauded by such folk in my experience.

Maybe your friend liked being the one who had children and you being her friend who wanted what she'd got - you've changed the playing field by becoming a mum so now she wants to make you feel that she's far more experienced and that you are making poor choices.
Don't allow it - stand up for your choices - or dump her.
People are far too judgemental at both ends of the scale - it's your money, your choice, end of.

Philosophy - It's all relative though. I can afford a £2k pram and don't have to sacrifice anything to spend that on a pram.

I personally think what other people spend their money on is a waste and not something I'd do/buy but I do not comment as its rude and really not their business.

I never mentioned it so it wasn't even like it was brought up in context. She just saw it and commented. I wouldn't walk up to someone with a Bugatti and tell them that I think they are crazy to spend that on a car.

I tend to buy secondhand a lot of the time by preference, but would never dream of judging you for wanting to buy new! It's nobody else's business what you do. You are careful, not in debt - there is nothing at all to be critical or scornful about! It's not a problem with you it's other people who have different ways of spending money and like to be judgemental. Enjoy your lovely baby and take no notice.

Bumbelbee - I agree. It's personal choice and everyone has different financial priorities etc

I would not have to sacrifice anything to spend 2k on a pram, I still think it is mad and I love a good shop.

So you've had a difference of opinion about how you choose to spend your money, this is going to happen time & again I'm afraid - just do what is right for you and don't worry. For example, whether kids are given pocket money or have to earn it, have good grades rewarded with money or not, and when the time comes be given a brand new car, second hand car, have to save for their own car when they are working etc etc.

Have they actually been nasty directly about the clothes you've bought, or just commented it's not what they would do?

Personally, I bought some nice things for best, cheaper stuff for everyday and also some second hand. I have to say the second hand things were generally good quality. A lot of second hand clothes for babies and young children are in excellent condition as they've only been worn for five minutes!

Have you posted about this before? It sounds familiar.

Philosophy (sorry it keeps autocorrected) that's up to you. You obviously value different things to me, but as I said I wouldn't comment as I think it's rude and no one else's business.

If you were racking up debt and trying to borrow off of friends or family members, then it would become their business. As you're not, what you choose to spend your money on is nobody's business but your own. However, sticking money into a junior ISA to help pay for first car/university/house deposit in future years would perhaps be a better use of the money (unless you're in the lucky position to be able to do both).

Different people have different opinions. Why are you bothered if friends and family think you are wasting money on baby things? I'm sure they do plenty of things you think are a bit silly, too. If it's making you happy to do it, then it isn't a waste of money for you. Trying to argue you are not wasting your money because you look for vouchers, etc, is a waste of your time, imo. You are framing your argument in a rather boring and weak-sounding way when you try to justify it like that, which is just playing right into their hands. You are doing it because you like what you are buying, can afford it and enjoy doing it. End of. Stop wasting your energy trying to argue it's not as wasteful as they think it is, because for them it's still wasteful.

People aren't attacking you they are just giving you their opinion. I get it when you have you first baby everything is new and exciting even more so thay you had a miscariage. You told you friend and she went down your throat fair enough that was her opinion.Now you know not to tell things like that to your friend. Or just dump the friendship. No big deal. Expensive or second hand it really doesn't matter babies grow so quick at the end of the day its just stuff.

People aren't attacking you they are just giving you their opinion. I get it when you have you first baby everything is new and exciting even more so thay you had a miscariage. You told you friend and she went down your throat fair enough that was her opinion.Now you know not to tell things like that to your friend. Or just dump the friendship. No big deal. Expensive or second hand it really doesn't matter babies grow so quick at the end of the day its just stuff.

People aren't attacking you they are just giving you their opinion. I get it when you have you first baby everything is new and exciting even more so thay you had a miscariage. You told you friend and she went down your throat fair enough that was her opinion.Now you know not to tell things like that to your friend. Or just dump the friendship. No big deal. Expensive or second hand it really doesn't matter babies grow so quick at the end of the day its just stuff.

I'm probably that mum too, I spend way too much on clothes for my DD and she totally is my pfb. I can afford it although I could probably do with spending more on clothes for myself. I've given all my DD's clothes away to friends and her pram/car seats/cot etc etc. And they are told to pass it on to whoever or where ever they like once they're done with it. Nobody makes any arsey comments about it and my mates love it cause they know they get some lovely clothes for nowt.

Tell them to go shit in their hat!

I have two children and do spend a small fortune on my son and daughters clothes for days when they are with me. But for days when they are at nursery or with their grandparent I put them in clothes I have bought off friends or in the sale in h&m gap next etc....
They still look nice but not Trampy

It's all relative to the person
What one person thinks is too much or too little there is always someone to disagree....

Wouldn't let your family or friends judgements dishearten you.
Xxx

Sophie la giraffe is a French baby teething toy. My DD has one too...and loves to chomp on her foot! Ignore your friend and your family member and do what is right for you. Bring up your child how YOU want, you waited so long for her and there is nothing wrong with wanting the best for her. I love a bargain myself and love Sainsbury's/Asda things, but would love to buy all next things. I think they are jealous! Tell them green doesn't suit them x

I think its just mean to pour scorn on someone who is preparing for a much longed for baby. Sure, my third child is dressed in lots of hand me downs but its a pleasure to buy special bits here and there, we all love to see our new babies provided for and well dressed in our own style choices. If buying expensive goods is not your taste then fine, but how rude to make someone else feel bad for buying nice things.

Jealousy. Try to share your excitement only with those whom you know will be happy for you. Nothing to do with anyone else what you spend or where you shop. Good luck.

Wow
I think maybe your family member is just a special kind of a-hole. Lol
I am one of the car-boot queens type of people. I have older kids and now have two little ones and to be honest I baulk at the prices of things new. That said, I wouldn't dream of buying primark, I think it's cheap fall apart cack.
I love you "Boden mummy types" lol (not a phrase I have ever heard used tbh) because without you I wouldn't be able to afford to dress my girls in designer goods as I buy your cast offs :-D so Thankyou for being you :-)
I pride myself on knowing that most of my little girls beautiful dresses have cost me no more than a couple of quid, and to be honest I would be gutted to have bought a dress for £50 only to have a nasty stain on it at first wear 😱
I'm happy with my lot, and you're happy with yours, to each their own I think 😀

I do a mix. I cant afford to buy mamas and papas a lot, but when I am buying her clothes for her birthday or Christmas I always go to next, I normally buy her clothes from George at ASDA, I think they have really nice stuff that suits my pocket better. I do have some hand me downs as well, as I know I cant afford to turn them down, but I do enjoy buying her nice things, as does my mum.
If you want to buy her new stuff do so it is up to you, she is your lo, and it is what suits you and her. Buying your kids nice clothes doesn't make you a snob or "one of those mums" it is attitude that does that.