Am I "that mum"?

[pepsi001]

I've waited a long time to meet a nice man to marry and have a baby. I'm 37 I thought this would never happen for me. I'm over the moon and of course my little girl is my pfb.

Lately I've become aware of a kind of reverse snobbery. All of a sudden I'm in the wrong for wanting nice things for my daughter. I'm buy lovely clothes from M&S and Boden and Next and she had a Sophie and I adore Mamas and Papas.

I don't go into debt. I buy things on sale and on special discount days. I don't really do second hand or hand me downs - not there's anything wrong with that and I never judge how other people want to spend their money or not, but I'm made to feel like a bad person because I don't want to do that and would rather buy new.

I aiming to keep everything nice and then sell on when not needed again to recoup the cost slightly.

Why this reverse snobbery to boast about how everything you have is cheap or second hand or hand me down and anyone who actually buys nice things is a bad person?

AIBU?

No worries, I only figured KOKO recently

DC = dear children

I've had several people lecture me on what I should and shouldn't be spending. My MiL lectured me on our choice of pushchair. Aside from the fact it was her DS who made the choice (I got too overwhelmed by the choice etc and he loved the challenge of research and road testing!) but she made me feel like an idiot for spending that much money then was upset as she felt like 'no-one ever listens to her'. rolls eyes
Anyway! It's hurtful as that kind of reverse snobbery makes you doubt yourself, you think am I a shit parent who will just try and throw money at a problem even though I don't really have a lot of money? Well, that's how it makes me feel anyway...
Ignore anyone who tries to make you feel bad for the choices you make. You're doing it out of love for your child, not because you want to judge other people's parenting. This is obviously a gloriously happy time for you and that's all that matters, your family's health and happiness. As long as you aren't shitting on other peoples choices (it doesn't sound like you are) then perhaps the reason they are attacking you is due to issues of their own, which are beyond your control.

Many people - like your friend and family members believe there is their way of doing things and the wrong way to do things. That the very act of not acting exactly the same way as them of having the same priorities as them, is taken as an insult to their choices. It is very important to people like this to not only act the way they want to, but to instruct others in the 'correct' way to behave and point out when they behave differently that it's wrong.

There are certain spending habits that illicit this sort of massive judgement and are seen as moral issues, when oddly other areas of spending don't get the same moral judgement. IME, baby/children's clothing gets this reaction, that it's a moral choice, handbags do too. Holidays don't seem to spark the outrage, cars don't either, unless it's a 4x4 (an estate car or people carrier taking up similar space on the road with similar or worse fuel consumption is fine).

Spend a few hundred quid on a photo shoot with your family and prints, lovely, spend same value on a pair of shoes, wasteful. Artwork, worth it, jewellery, waste of money (unless a diamond ring that "holds its value" - even though most families I know would sell everything else before selling engagement /wedding rings so the value is rather pointless if it's an item that would never be sold).

I can't afford to buy all boden for mine, it's an occasional treat, but I know people who think it's completely pointless and morally wrong. As long as you don't go on about it, then I can't see why anyone at a toddler group would think you were "that mother", and surely you would only recognise something was from boden if you'd looked at their website?!

Oh yes pushchairs! There's an army of mums who need you to know that you should buy a cheap one and a sling and they should know because they've had 5, and ended up with a McLaren, so will you, regardless of what you buy. On the other hand, many other parents research what they need, buy one that lasts until they don't need a buggy anymore, and never get an umbrella fold that are shit to push

I bought second hand for mine but I'm glad some people do buy new or otherwise there wouldn't be stuff for me to buy.

DD wears a mixture of clothes from Boden/JoJo Maman through to George at Asda and pretty much every shop and price bracket in between. Some have been bought new at full price, some new in the sale, some bought second hand and some have been hand me downs that are now on their third or fourth child. None of it matters one jot.

Yes, I am very lucky that if I choose to I can buy full price "naice" clothes but if anyone had a problem with that and thought I was wasting my money, I would give precisely zero fucks.

OP, you do whatever suits you, your baby and your budget.

I never buy baby things 2nd hand and don't know anyone who does this in RL. I don't like the thought that someone else's baby has weed/pooed/dribbled/thrown up on them

I waited until I was in a good position financially before having a baby. I love buying clothes and toys and get excited when the new ranges come out. Next, M&S, John Lewis, Toby Tiger etc all do lovely soft cotton clothes and they wash well, so I feel it's worth it. The Tesco things I bought fell apart after a few washes!

My husband and I are financially very fortunate but our children have come second hand clothes, I know very few people who don't have any second hand clothes. As you say good quality clothes wash well.

I do think it is daft to buy everything new but I don't waste mental energy judging those who do. I love a spending spree and have bought my children expensive new clothes but looking back it was daft. I would rather buy second hand and put the money towards family activities and holidays.

I don't think there is a connection between where or how you buy your clothes and how much you love your children (neglect issued aside). IME it takes more time and effort to buy second hand than to pick up a few things from a rail in a shop but that reflects the fact that I have a lot of spare time rather than how precious I think my child is.

I would also far rather buy a quality piece of clothing second hand than spend more getting something not that great from somewhere like Next. I suspect most parents dress their children in a mixture of new, hand me downs and second hand purchases. To actively refuse to do any of those completely does seem a little odd.

I think your friend was rude but I do wonder if you spend a lot of time going on and on about purchases and have wound her up. I think it is odd that your friends know that all your baby items are new.

I met friend for lunch when pregnant and was excitedly telling her what I'd got and about the baby bedroom. I previously had a miscarriage so this was a big step for me. She poured scorn all over what I'd been buying and how I was wasting my money and how she had never spent that. She said I would be hated and vilified at baby groups as one of "those mums" whatever that means.

If this was genuinely said by a 'friend', I think you need to rethink your friendship.

Don't let it worry you.

Just be glad we are all different and some don't mind second hand, otherwise you would not be able to sell your lovely things on!

I take on board some of the comments that I may have been a bit snobby. But I can honestly say I'm not a snob and not the kind of person to look down on anyone for their choices

To qualify I feel I've waited a long time for this period in my life. I've been happy for my friends and families choices to do and buy what they like for their children and if I met a friend for coffee and they were telling me about their plans/buys I would be happy for them and excited whether it's new or 2nd hand as it's such a joyous time.

My original point is the reverse snobbery and downright nastiness I've experienced from said friend and members of family who think my and other peoples spending is ridiculous and it's sometimes like a competition to get the cheapest most handed down thing ever and I just don't want that.

The friend has gradually drifted out of my life since the comments whether it's because I offend her j don't know.

It's not odd that they know that, obviously OP tells them its all new!

You can't tell by looking at children what their parents' choices are. I really don't enjoy shopping or see the point in buying expensive stuff for small children so left to myself my two year old would be head to toe in whatever was easiest (supermarket or similar), but he has a relative who loves to shop in posh shops so he has a lot of quite expensive clothes. When he was younger he also had a lot of secondhand expensive clothes from a friend - I can't see how anyone would have known I hadn't bought them new unless they'd asked me.

I can see the point about clothes from some shops being more ethical/environmentally friendly but I guess this applies to a lot of things eg food. I think it depends where you live though - if I have to make a special hour-long round trip to drive to the relevant 'ethical' shop when I would be driving to the supermarket anyway I think maybe that changes the balance of cost/benefit a bit.

Ignore her, the twat.

Well, I suppose that it's more ecologically sound to re-use things, but lots of people will buy 2nd hand because that's their budget. I did want to get all new for dd, didn't mind used for me. Sadly at the time I couldn't afford it. Years on, I can afford treats, outings etc for dd but half the time she doesn't want them! Irony, irony.

I have always worn a fair bit of designer stuff (Armani, Boss, aquascutum, Massimo Osti etc), although most of it is years old now - but quality lasts for me.

I was always going to buy the same sort of clothes for my DS (I can afford it), but knew my friends would say it was a waste of money or take the piss, so I said nothing to them about his clothes. They see him in stuff, but as I never discuss it (or appear to be bragging), then they make very few comments.

He does has his fair share of Next, H and M stuff for playing out in and he has some really nice stuff for going out in, parties, meals etc.

I sometimes sell stuff he has grown out of and give a fair bit of it to my sister for her DS.

People only generally comment if they feel you are bragging and their response can sometimes be seen as nasty, as they may be a little bit jealous.

Say nothing in future and just get on with enjoying your child and dressing them how you like.

pepsi

If you are "boasting" about it then I suppose you could be that mum, but fuck it why shouldn't your child have nice things if you can afford it.

But IMO
But if you bought second-hand, cheaper stuff you could donate the money saved to, say, sponsor a child's education in a deprived country.
this is a worse form of "that mum".

Obviously yanbu for buying whatever you want. But I don't think it's anymore acceptable to start listing expensive purchases for your baby than it is in any other context. So tbh if this - "I met friend for lunch when pregnant and was excitedly telling her what I'd got and about the baby bedroom" - means listing purchases and telling her what labels they were, then I think you probably came across pretty badly. I wouldn't go so far as saying you'd be "vilified" but yes clearly you need to avoid listing purchases and labels in baby groups (and in all circumstances, baby-related or not!)

I've experienced this type of snobbery and not because I've gone out of my way to list where items have come from.

I do buy a lot of the dcs stuff from Next, Mothercare, Mamas and Papas. For me these places are quite luxury (for me who grew up only having hand me downs) but I live within my means.

I'm not convinced that second hand is always the bargain it seems. I always shop in sales and use discount codes and cash back deals. When you consider the searching around for local second hand stuff, a few wasted journeys when it's no good and having no comeback if it breaks. Sometimes it's just a bit overpriced. We recently sold a load of oak furniture, and because we'd got it ex display ourselves, it was a popular brand, we ended up selling it for more than we'd paid!

We bought all our baby things with selling it on in mind, but besides anything else I do enjoy buying things for the dc. We all know it's more for the parents than the dc.

I've been accused of being wasteful for not buying second hand or for not getting everything from Aldi. I've been slated for buying 'designer clothes' (I don't buy anything designer). These are people who have visited my home and asked where things are from.

I would have second hand anything btw. Friends have kindly passed clothes and toys on and I've been grateful, and I bid on some dungarees on eBay recently just because I liked them.

I do like the Next stuff, I know everyone on here says it's shit but it fits ds really well and lasts forever.

People only generally comment if they feel you are bragging and their response can sometimes be seen as nasty, as they may be a little bit jealous

Jealous? No. It's just that if you are bragging about your kids designer clothes you are a bit of a dick, so people might tell you so.

IME nobody could care less how much your childs clothes cost, or where you got them. They all get shitted or puked on just the same as the cheap stuff. People only mind when you make stupid comments about how precious your child is and 2nd hand is beneath them.

I've never met anyone who's ever given a shit about how much I spend on my children, family or otherwise. I've never felt the need to tell people, they've never felt the need to enquire unless they wished to buy it themselves. You must know some terrible busybodies.

Join the club. I'm also one of 'those mums' do. Not. Give. A. Damn.

My sister is the worst offender, she always asked if something is new, where it's from then asks "how did you afford that".

I've never felt the need to tell people, they've never felt the need to enquire unless they wished to buy it themselves

My children are well beyond the baby stage and no one has ever asked me where I got their things from, whether they were new, or how much I paid for them.

Are people really having these conversations, and falling out about them?