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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I "that mum"?

283 replies

pepsi001 · 05/06/2016 09:14

I've waited a long time to meet a nice man to marry and have a baby. I'm 37 I thought this would never happen for me. I'm over the moon and of course my little girl is my pfb.

Lately I've become aware of a kind of reverse snobbery. All of a sudden I'm in the wrong for wanting nice things for my daughter. I'm buy lovely clothes from M&S and Boden and Next and she had a Sophie and I adore Mamas and Papas.

I don't go into debt. I buy things on sale and on special discount days. I don't really do second hand or hand me downs - not there's anything wrong with that and I never judge how other people want to spend their money or not, but I'm made to feel like a bad person because I don't want to do that and would rather buy new.

I aiming to keep everything nice and then sell on when not needed again to recoup the cost slightly.

Why this reverse snobbery to boast about how everything you have is cheap or second hand or hand me down and anyone who actually buys nice things is a bad person?

AIBU?

OP posts:
aaaaaargh · 05/06/2016 10:14

YANBU and you are NOT that mother, we all have our own opinion and likes etc, I bought all new for DS1 but for DS2 I had some hand me downs from friend which were as good as new plus I bought loads new! People can say what they like about me at the end of the day I have 2 happy healthy kids that are always clean and well dressed!

The only thing that irks me slightly about your post is that you've made clear you want "new" which is totally fine but you're going to sell the things on, It came across slightly as 2nd hand isn't good enough but you'll happily sell in your 2nd hand items, don't mean that nastily and I get that I've probably just read the post wrong!

HeartsofOak · 05/06/2016 10:14

Gide It was just a suggestion!

Buying expensive baby clothes is such a waste of money imho. Yes, of course, it's the spender's choice. I was just suggesting a way of spreading the joy in a more positive way than buying pointlessly costly baby clothes that really achieves nothing for the ££££s spent.

I'm not judging anyone or making snide comments. Just trying to throw in a wider thought than mindless western consumerism.

PPie10 · 05/06/2016 10:15

Yanbu, it just all comes down to people being bitter about what they can't do themselves. Why would it bother the next person what you spend unless they secretly wish they could do the same. It does smack of envy. I really wouldn't bother with friends like these tbh.

Helmetbymidnight · 05/06/2016 10:15

*I had a friend who became a materialistic mum-zilla. Her idea of a good time became getting the Bamboo Baby catalogue out over coffee. Don't be that mum.

There is a tiny whiff of 'I do it because my baby is precious'. That will piss people off if you are leaking that because it implies their baby in hand-me-downs is not precious.*

I kind of agree...

Do what you like op. People make different choices and that's a good thing - your friend doesn't sound very nice to me.

PPie10 · 05/06/2016 10:16

But if you bought second-hand, cheaper stuff you could donate the money saved to, say, sponsor a child's education in a deprived country.

Oh fgs, get over yourself. Go do good yourself if you want, what does the op need to do that?

Lilacpink40 · 05/06/2016 10:22

Do what you want as long as it's legal and buy what you can afford. Maybe you have new mum guilt - worrying about trying to be the 'right' mum?
No such thing! Grin

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 05/06/2016 10:23

Oh and I give money to charity as well as buying nice clothes for my children. Yes, I could give more to charity if I bought them cheaper clothes. I could also give more if I lived in a smaller house, if I didn't have Sky TV, if I didn't take my children on day trips, if I grew my own vegetables rather than buying them...

MumOnACornishFarm · 05/06/2016 10:24

hertsofoak I do think you have a point. The amount we consume generally is crazy and it's unsustainable. But I guess the OP could still be purchasing ethically, and not buying more than they need, at the same time as buying new.
Personally I think 'fast fashion' (for adults, children and also household fashion) is disastrous, both ethically and ecologically. Aside from the obvious choice to just buy less, it becomes much harder to make ethical purchases when you're on a tight budget, and then second hand really is the only way to go. There are far more ethical brand choices when you have a bigger budget.

PPie10 · 05/06/2016 10:27

I was just suggesting a way of spreading the joy in a more positive way than buying pointlessly costly baby clothes that really achieves nothing for the ££££s spent.

Who are you to say how people should be 'spreading the joy' Hmm you might think it's pointless but it's not your money or your child.

Helmetbymidnight · 05/06/2016 10:29

The idea that everyone who thinks buying brand new stuff for babies is unnecessary is envious or jealous is simply not true.

Still, 'friend' should have kept her mouth shut.

BYOSnowman · 05/06/2016 10:30

I think it depends how you present it tbh. I was at a baby group when a new mum came in and started going on about how her baby was so much more special to her than other people's babies were to them because she had had a miscarriage. Loads of stuff about appreciating her more because she had had a loss etc. Other than the fact that all babies are special to their mums, there were also a few women there who had also had miscarriages and one who had lost an older baby to Sid. I'm sure you can understand why she didn't endear herself!!

I bought new for my kids and shared hand me downs with my sister. I gave the clothes away to a friend of a friend or the charity shop. No one ever commented.

In terms of expensive nursery furniture - I do look back at the money I spent on my first and think it was a waste with hindsight but everyone has the right to get overexcited without their friends stamping on it!!

AddictedtoSnickers · 05/06/2016 10:35

Do what you want!! I love looking for lovely clothes on ebay and mostly buy from nice families like you who have bought good quality stuff, looked after it and now selling on to those on a slightly tighter budget!!

Oh and be careful with those Sophie giraffes.....wasn't there a backlash over them when a child get the foot caught in their throat??

Shakira3016 · 05/06/2016 10:38

Why do you give a crap. It's you're child and you're money . Whether she is a family member or not it has nothing to do with her. I'm currently pregnant with my first child I plan to buy my baby new things and couldn't care less if any of my family had an opinion like hers. You are the mother after all .

HeartsofOak · 05/06/2016 10:39

PPie10 You really are a charmer aren't you?

I'm me, with a brain, an opinion, and the right to express it on an internet forum, just as much as you. So no need for the aggression or rudeness.

KittyKrap · 05/06/2016 10:40

My PFB was always dressed in white, spotless like a Persil advert. He's now 18 and hates getting dirty, my fault I guess! DCs 2 and 3 were dressed in any old rags. Enjoy it and ignore people.

EatShitDerek · 05/06/2016 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BYOSnowman · 05/06/2016 10:40

Well someone has to buy new in order for there to be second hand clothes

thebestfurchinchilla · 05/06/2016 10:41

Green eyed jealousy probably on the part of your 'friend'. If you can afford it you can spend money on what you like.

Originalfoogirl · 05/06/2016 10:42

Can't believe clothing a baby is being considered a waste of money. Where does that end? Forget buying nappies, let's just use an old towel and a plastic bag.

And *A whiff of my baby is precious"?

Oh please. Everybody thinks their baby is precious. And most think theirs is way more precious than any other. It's a new mum thing. If the OP chooses to think that spending her own money on new "nice" things is what her own precious baby deserves, that's her prerogative. She in no way was down on anyone who does and said as much in her post. If you choose to read some underlying message in that, it's your issue, not hers.

thebestfurchinchilla · 05/06/2016 10:42

What's a PFB?

PPie10 · 05/06/2016 10:42

Exactly EatShit.

You really can't tell anyone how to spend their money. I couldn't care less and don't have an opinion on whether the next person buys second hand or brand new. It's not my money or baby to 'have a think' about what they should be doing.

ghostspirit · 05/06/2016 10:45

i buy ebay baby clothes bundle. and i do tell people about my bargins. not because its reverse snobbery. im just happy with what i have bought. probably the same as someone who buys new.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 05/06/2016 11:04

Mine have had some hand me downs from friends but mostly I bought new and it was Boden or Next basics or that really soft cotton H&M stuff you can get.

I chose them because I don't like logo ed or mini adult clothes, I have no time to trawl round second hand shops and boot sales, and I have actually found that an hour online twice a year gets your child a colour coordinated capsule wardrobe (yes I realise that sounds pretty sad) and saves you buying loads of stuff. I hate having loads of stuff.

As they have got older, and bought their own clothes, my kids have turned to Primark and H&M, and now as students my girls' idea of a good afternoon out is a jaunt to the nearest posh town and a trawl round the charity shops.Hmm

LunaLoveg00d · 05/06/2016 11:09

There are just as many people who sneer down their noses at people who shop in charity shops or buy second hand - and not necessarily because they can't afford new.

You can choose to spend your money exactly how you please and it's nobody else's business.

leelu66 · 05/06/2016 11:11

I've seen it on mumsnet threads whereby anyone who buys new or nice is scorned.

You lost me here. I've never seen this on MN so doubt it happens to everyone who 'buys nice'.

I also can't imagine telling anyone I've bought DC clothes from Boden, Mamas & Papas etc if they haven't actually asked.

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