Am I "that mum"?

[pepsi001]

I've waited a long time to meet a nice man to marry and have a baby. I'm 37 I thought this would never happen for me. I'm over the moon and of course my little girl is my pfb.

Lately I've become aware of a kind of reverse snobbery. All of a sudden I'm in the wrong for wanting nice things for my daughter. I'm buy lovely clothes from M&S and Boden and Next and she had a Sophie and I adore Mamas and Papas.

I don't go into debt. I buy things on sale and on special discount days. I don't really do second hand or hand me downs - not there's anything wrong with that and I never judge how other people want to spend their money or not, but I'm made to feel like a bad person because I don't want to do that and would rather buy new.

I aiming to keep everything nice and then sell on when not needed again to recoup the cost slightly.

Why this reverse snobbery to boast about how everything you have is cheap or second hand or hand me down and anyone who actually buys nice things is a bad person?

AIBU?

mindless Western consumerism

Because, I don't know, the Chinese and Japanese and Koreans don't consume anything at all, nosiree. They all live like Zen monks.

OP, your "friend" is a nasty piece of work. Someone who is listening to a new mother enthusing about the nice things she has got for her child and just decides to burst her balloon is nasty and jealous. I would drop her like a hot potato.

When my kids were little, we were so skint... I was really grateful to be able to pick up beautiful 2nd hand clothing at jumble sales/charity shops at prices I could afford.

If your friend can't afford to buy from the places you have for her baby then it might have made her feel defensive. She shouldn't have been so rude to you though.

The other thing that strikes me is that you say you buy from Next, Boden, Mamas and Papas because your baby is so precious to you. Well all 3 of my babies were equally precious to me but it is only number 3 who has been dressed in some new clothes and that's because I could afford them this time round.

People don't choose their babies clothes based on their emotional value to them. They chose them according the their budget.

My DD has a Sophie la giraffe I just loved her sweet little face.

I'd say this is probably just oversensitivity and a bit of boasting on both sides. 2 people having a conversation about baby clothes / rooms etc.
1 is all "I've got everything second-hand/gifts/on sale and I'm really pleased with it all"
2 is all "I've got this from that big shop and the other from Boden" and so on.

They both feel like the other is criticising their choices and no1 thinks no2 is saying that the stuff they have bought wouldn't be good enough for their baby, who must obviously be more precious. And No2 thinks No1 is saying that they are wasting money and are being brand precious or equating love with spending money. Or whatever.

You probably both just need to chill the fuck out and do what you like, but stop talking about it.

If people didn't buy new, they would be nothing for people who buy 2nd hand to buy.
I buy a mix of both. Usually a few nice bits from John Lewis, Boden, etc and a cheap George or tesco, hm tshirts and jogging pants for playing in at home or for messy activities. I buy some nicer bits of eBay if I see something nice as good as new.

An example of what I mean: this kind of shit is just going to piss people off: Why this reverse snobbery to boast about how everything you have is cheap or second hand or hand me down and anyone who actually buys nice things is a bad person?

So you're saying that people who buy cheap or used are not buying NICE things? That anything pre-used or not an expensive brand is shit? And then you tell them that you buy this stuff because of how much you love your baby: the implication that they don't, because they won't spend lots on "nice things"?

No wonder they get defensive and have a go at you, really.

I don't imagine for one minute that all mums don't think their babies are precious and special and I would never think just because they are in 2nd hand that they don't love their children.

Now I've had my baby I don't sit in baby groups telling people how special my baby is and pointing out my lovely baby clothes. I notice how lovely other babies are and hope people don't notice I am winging it on a daily basis!!

My initial moan was about being made to feel silly/terrible for buying new and from supposed nice places. Like I'm an idiot or something. I'm actually very sensible with money in general and meal plan,search for vouchers, cash back sites, etc etc.

There just seems to be a reverse snobbery about buying from boden for example rather than tesco. But I've used voucher codes and offers to buy boden making it much more affordable.

I have donated a lot of the baby clothes to a local charity but also intend to sell some on and I suppose I have factored this Ito my initial spend. So buy item for x£ and sell for £y means I've only really paid the difference.

I also would never think someone didn't love their baby or imply this to them just because they buy clothes 2nd hand etc. How awful is that?

Don't most people do a mixture? A bit of naice new stuff, a bit of supermarket stuff, a bit of secondhand...? Seems pretty normal around here, anyway. Or is everyone at the baby groups secretly judging me for having a secondhand coat for DS (although how they'd tell is a mystery to me...)? Although he does have a Sophie, does that redeem my penny-pinching ways?

The only thing you need to lay off is the 'my baby is so precious so I only buy expensive stuff' vibe - IME baby groups have a mixture of parents on all sorts of budgets and those budgets don't determine the preciousness of their offspring. Hopefully that's not a vibe you give off IRL anyway, but if you do that will put people's backs up. But really, nobody really cares what some other (only averagely attractive, unlike your own supermodel baby, cos rationally or not I'm pretty sure we generally all secretly 'know' our babies are the best looking) baby is wearing.

But you are implying exactly that, with your comments. You may not mean to, but you are. So perhaps you should think about how you make others feel before you complain any more about how they make you feel?

What's a pfb? Is there anywhere on here you can find the abbreviations and what they mean? I understand DH and DS and DD but what's a DC? I must catch up with things in this internet abbreviated world we now live in.

Two people and a few random threads on t'internet don't constitute a trend.

Ditch the 'friend' and buy what you like. Very few will notice and even less will care.

Baiscally its your money isnt it so you can do whatever u want with it. Thing is though id be very worried about "spoiling" your dd, you cant reverse that expectation once its established really. I was quite spoilt (my parents were sort of snobby) and i dont think its done me any favours. Therefore ive always been very careful about what i spend on dd.

Also, i get a bit upset thinking about all the kids in the world who have barely anything and think it would be fairer to share the wealth round a bit. but then i am a bleeding heart leftie ;) not everyone agrees.

Nivea PFB = Precious First Born

Just carry on as you are OP, you don't have to justify your choices for anyone.

I'm going to hazard a guess that it was your attitude, not what you'd bought, that made your friend say that.

I don't care if my friends buy their baby clothes from Harrods or get them out of a skip. Personally I'm happiest in the middle, but whatever.

What would piss me off & make you 'one of those Mum's' is you banging on about having waited to find a nice man and your DD being soooo precious and sooooo special and just wanting nice things for her...implying that other people's children were less special & less loved because of the circumstances around their conception or money spent on them. Also implying that if it's not new it's not nice. That Boden dress...it's no less nice on the second baby wearing it, than the first.

Thanks RaptorInaPorkPieHat, I'd have never of guessed that one!!

Sophie is the best thing ever.

Baby (5 months) is an absolute toy fiend and this one is probably her favourite. I can't imagine anyone begrudging a baby for enjoying such a toy.

Are they so expensive (ours was a gift)? To be honest, it is probably top of my list of gifts for new babies, she enjoys it so much.

David. Nah. On their own they're about £12. I don't know many babies that don't have one, usually a gift.

Nivea here is the MN acronyms list www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms

I dress my child in Mini Rodini, Tiny Cottons, Smafolk, Bobo Choses and Beau Loves. Compared to those brands Next and Boden look like bargains. However, I sell them on once they are too small and sometimes get back 70% of the original cost.

But even if I didn't, it's my money and my child. I don't judge others for what they do or don't spend their money on and I wouldn't expect to be judged in return.

Thanks for that leelu66 now I can stop scratching my head and trying to work out what the acronyms mean.

I bought new stuff for pfb with the intention of handing the stuff on dc2, dc3. Ignore the comments and try not to take it personally. Enjoy your dd rather than wasting energy, worry about your perceptions of other people

OP, I used to buy expensive stuff for my first DC too. It was fun and I could afford it. But I was well aware that it wasn't a smart financial decision. Not everything has to be, and you don't have to justify yourself to anyone. But as your child grows and if you are lucky enough to have more, you will realise that the amount you spend on baby clothes is NO reflection of the precious-ness of your child or how lucky you are to have her. You may still do it, but you will understand you're doing it for your own enjoyment and no other reason. Sorry if that sounds patronising but some of the things you've said sound a bit absurd.

Anyway, the bottom line is that nobody knows what you buy unless you tell them. And it's a boring topic of conversation.