Am I "that mum"?

[pepsi001]

I've waited a long time to meet a nice man to marry and have a baby. I'm 37 I thought this would never happen for me. I'm over the moon and of course my little girl is my pfb.

Lately I've become aware of a kind of reverse snobbery. All of a sudden I'm in the wrong for wanting nice things for my daughter. I'm buy lovely clothes from M&S and Boden and Next and she had a Sophie and I adore Mamas and Papas.

I don't go into debt. I buy things on sale and on special discount days. I don't really do second hand or hand me downs - not there's anything wrong with that and I never judge how other people want to spend their money or not, but I'm made to feel like a bad person because I don't want to do that and would rather buy new.

I aiming to keep everything nice and then sell on when not needed again to recoup the cost slightly.

Why this reverse snobbery to boast about how everything you have is cheap or second hand or hand me down and anyone who actually buys nice things is a bad person?

AIBU?

Actually its the aiming to keep it nice bit that stuck with me - children need to be able to play without fear of damaging third clothes and be able to feed without care of spills -

I have a friend who spoon feeds her DS at 4(!) For this reason

My SIL gets v jealous because my little girl has new clothes from decent shops and 'all she can afford is eBay and primark' for her daughter.

But the thing is she spends most of her money on video games and other mindless tat. I spend most of my money on DD!

I fell out with someone as they kept trying to sell me all their old stuff for more than they bought the bundles for. I didn't want it.

I was a snob for buying new. But I had 12 baby grows and she had 300 outfits. I know who spent less overall...

I have just been thinking about this and I think that I had everything new for my first son. That was because I had to dress in shit second hand clothes from jumble sales growing up. Not carefully chosen nice second hand clothes. I longed for nice outfits, to be remotely fashionable and to be able to have a genuine choice. It is not surprising that my first child was spoilt because I wanted him to have better than me. As my confidence grew as a parent I realised it did not matter. I am not saying the OP is spoiling her baby

I notice with my siblings who have had their own children that they have also gone through the everything must be new phase, some have never left it and think we are weird for choosing to buy second hand. However you would be a special kind of twat to judge parents who want to choose to have new because they never had that choice as a child.

I like having the choice to buy second hand, am not sure how it would feel if I had no choice in that.

Glueandstick. I know several people who seem to have oodles of outfits,toys etc that are second hand and always seem to have something new every week and bags of clothes that are outgrown. I may buy new and posh but I don't have lots either. I think about purchases, read reviews and try and get as much value for my money as I can.

Pepsi I got married late and had dd late, we got loads of things from NCT sales. It's really all horses for courses, whether you buy new or second hand or hand me down.

I wonder if people are picking up on a feeling that they are not valued for their choices? If that is the case, just reassure then that you are not judging their parenting choices.

BUT don't let people make you feel bad about choices you make in clothing your daughter. End of.

Once someone expresses an opinion about your purchasing habits, which you find unpleasant or negative, I'd just change the subject and not bring it up again, at all. If the friend or relative return to the topic just say something like "I am sure we can find something more fun to discuss than my shopping habits."

Really life is too short. Enjoy your lovely new daughter.

She poured scorn all over what I'd been buying and how I was wasting my money and how she had never spent that. She said I would be hated and vilified at baby groups as one of "those mums" whatever that means

What did you say to your friend in reply to all of this?

You know what? Your baby, your money. Do what you like. If you were crowing about how much you were spending & looking down on the second handers I would feel differently. Myself - on dc3. I bloody love mums like you because I then get to buy your lovely stuff second hand
Get new friends though. Life is too short for people in your life bringing you down!!

I wonder whether the judgment you are feeling is because making a point of telling people that everything your DD has is new is seen as you being a bit smug that you have got everything 'right'. And also to do with the crazily complicated UK class system!

I know a lot of mums who shop like mad, have brand name everything; they must spend an absolute fortune. I won't profess to know their exact circumstances but from what I do know they had all met a man, been together a certain amount of time then bought a house, he proposed, they had their dream wedding then a few years later they had planned to start a family and they now have that baby. For them, at the time they had their first baby their lives were "in order" and they had the disposable income to spend on that child. Facebook full of pictures of their "blessed" lives. I think these people are your typical brand name, new clothing customers. They aren't trying to save money for a wedding, or trying to buy their first home, or needing to upgrade their crappy car because they have already done all of those things.

Lots of people will be in that position but will want to emphasise that they buy secondhand, because they don't want to be seen as flaunting their good fortune and their seemingly perfect lives, and the marker of being truly middle class is to be seen as frugal and eco-friendly. New Boden, for example, is seen by them as aspirational materialistic middle class, secondhand Boden as true middle class.

Might have gone slightly off at a tangent but by "those mums" I think your friend means someone for whom having a child is the next step in a picture perfect life and who gushes about being "blessed" on facebook. Someone who had been thinking about which change bag to get for years before pregnancy because it was the next part of the dream. It suggests an uncomplicated, materialistic life in some people's eyes, rightly or wrongly.

Sorry, my post sounded judgmental but I was trying to show how other people might perceive it rather than give my own views! I think buy what you want OP!

Do what you want, if you are secure in your choices then why would other peoples opinions bother you.

my children's clothes are either hand me downs, or cheap and cheerful from tesco/asda for the most part. I still have stuff that was handed down to me, that i then handed down from my oldest to youngest daughter and is in decent condition still. if people choose to judge me based on something so utterly ridiculous thats entirely their problem and I dont give a shiny rats arse. and neither should you.

I like nice things but I also like getting a bargain. So I buy stuff on the Mamas and Papas event sales, there's a Next clearance store near my mums. I suppose now I don't care what Next baby grows we have but I like the fact they were a bargain.

I hang around with mums, we are all professionals with some money but we do discuss where's cheapest to buy Pampers or sales and use discounts codes and vouchers, what supermarket own brand stuff is good

I could afford to just buy willy bully but at the end of the day it's all materialistic and id rather have some spare cash to actually do stuff with my DC.

Also your child isn't more loved or deserves expensive stuff because of your previous experiences. You don't know anyone else's struggles. Comments like this get my back up as tho you love your baby more than me.

When mine were little I bought almost everything second hand because I lived near London's Nappy Valley so it was quicker to pop into the Fara Kids shop and buy everything I needed than it was to go anywhere else, simply because all the stuff there was a beautiful pale co-coordinating pink or lilac. Much of it was serious designer stuff - Ralph Lauren, Caramel, Jigsaw and the now defunct Young England. What survived went on ebay. At the time I could have afforded to have bought it new but I was brought up by the tightest mother in Wales so I would have felt hellishly guilty.

Now all they want to wear is Hollister and Jack Wills and are happy to trawl the local charity shops and ebay for it. So I guess that is another generation of skinflint mums in the making.....

But - your money OP so do what you want with it and if it makes you happy to dress your pfb in the nicest things you see go ahead and do so.

It's your money, spend it how you want. If you have a high income and buy your own clothes from Boden etc, then its natural that you will also get your children's clothes from there - why would you buy Boden for yourself and Tesco for your child?? However, you certainly would be "that mum" if you name drop or stealth boast to people who have lower incomes, e.g saying things like "I found this amazing bargain in Boden, two tops for my baby for only £100!". Boasting is vulgar, including stealth boasts.

I never boast about anything. I don't think I even have much to boast about. It was a friendly chat with a friend (or so I thought) whereby I was excitedly saying what i had got ready and bought for my baby. I was excited which was a massive thing after a miscarriage as I was also terrified. I've had chats with other friends where they might be planning a wedding or having a baby and they mention plans where they've been etc and I wouldn't pass comment on them spending money stupidly or judge for getting second hand.

I was quite stunned by the attack to be honest that I said nothing but it hurt my feelings.

I really don't think I love my baby anymore than anyone else - obviously to me she is special and again if a friend had been through what I had i would sympathise and understand that they believe their baby is special to them.

I feel if I had sat there saying I've bought bundles of stuff in eBay and from boot sales my friend and certain family members would be congratulating me on my thriftiness even if I had "wasted" my money on too much stuff. Rather than careful considered purchases to make the most of my money and yes thinking about resale value as well.

You may not mean to boast but "excitedly talking about purchases" might sound like boasting.
I think its obvious from your comments on this thread that you say things that can seem a bit off to others.

I'll also state I'm not a massive earner - we are comfortable but I when I spend money on anything I think about the purchase and the quality - how long it will last etc etc so why wouldn't i do that with my baby purchases?

First babygrows - 4 weeks second ser 8/12 weeks - Cot 14 months - pram 18 months

"I really don't think I love my baby anymore than anyone else - obviously to me she is special and again if a friend had been through what I had i would sympathise and understand that they believe their baby is special to them. "

Actually every mother's babies are special to them, even babies born to mothers with no fertility issues who choose to keep dressed exclusively in Primark.

"I really don't think I love my baby anymore than anyone else - obviously to me she is special and again if a friend had been through what I had i would sympathise and understand that they believe their baby is special to them

And if they hadn't you would understand that they weren't special at all? I've had 5 m/c, does that make my dd 5x more special than yours? OF course not. You really need to think more about what you are saying to others and focus less on what they are saying to you, you are completely oblivious.

people choose to spend on what they want. if it is worth it for you then fine. people have diffeerent priorities.

She said I would be hated and vilified at baby groups

She said this? For buying M&S and Next clothes?

No your not that Mum. You buy your baby nice clothes sounds fine to me.

I had my first baby last year and his all I wanted for so long after some heart ache so I'm probably a bit pfb too. We can afford to buy ds designer clothes and I do regularly and we get a hand ful of people that get weird over designer clothes for a baby but it's our money and we can spend it on what we like it.

Just ignore them!

I agree with Codyking, please rethink the plan to "keep everything nice" for resale, especially as you have a girl. She'll be under enough pressure to be a perfect little princess who doesn't get dirty like the boys, without her own mother adding to this!