Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I have been shouted down by a friend re: another friends wedding gift.

188 replies

VinoTime · 04/06/2016 18:37

I was signed off work with mental health problems at the beginning of February. It was a pretty rough time, but I'm back to my old self now and doing good, and I was able to return to work this week Smile I was on full pay for the first month I was off, and then dropped to statutory. Frankly, I'm grateful to have received anything, though I think we can all appreciate/imagine how tight things can get financially while on SSP.

Anyway, for the past three months I have pretty much scraped by. I haven't fallen behind with anything and all of my payments for rent/bills, etc. are on track. We've had enough left over to keep me, 9yo DD, the cat and the dog fed and happy. All good. I haven't gotten into any debt to manage a standard of living we can ill afford right now, and I hacked our food budget to the absolute limit in May to treat DD on her birthday and pay for her school trips (they do a 'fun' week every May at her school and take the children on various outdoor pursuits. The thought of going cap in hand to the school unable to pay this mortified me, so I hacked every budget I could to pay it).

A good friend of mine got married earlier today. DD and I received an invitation to the evening do back in April. I have been putting whatever spare pennies I had in a jar to buy DD a pretty dress for it since then. Today we were able to go out and buy her a beautiful dress that we found on a sale rack and a cheap pair of sandals - they were total bargains and I still cannot believe our luck in finding them. I had no money for an outfit so I'm recycling a dress and a pair of shoes I found in my wardrobe - I'm hoping beautiful hair and makeup will carry me through it as the outfit isn't great Blush

My problem is a wedding gift/money. By the time we received the invite in April, the budget was eaten up with other things, including putting Holy Communion money aside for a friends set of twins. May's budget was dominated by DD's birthday and school trips. I got my SSP yesterday but council tax, childcare and various other first of the month type bills have demolished the lot. There's a little left over which will buy us food until my tax credits are paid in 2 weeks time. I've got nothing to give my friend for a gift. I've bought her a beautiful card, but I've got no money to put in it (they've got a wedding post box for cards/vouchers, etc.). Another close friend text me earlier to ask how much I was giving, and I explained the situation. She text me back: You can't give them nothing! It's their wedding! How the fuck would you feel if they did that to you?!

Sad

I can't give what I don't have. I could certainly pop some vouchers/cash in the post to them in two weeks time when I've got a bit of money, but I have nothing right now. Is that horribly unreasonable of me? I feel dreadful about it, but I can't change it. It is what it is. I was hardly going to prioritise a wedding gift over my DD's simple birthday this year or ban her from the school trips which gave her a very memorable week learning lots of different skills and experiences.

OP posts:
Beeziekn33ze · 06/06/2016 00:19

What Unicorn says above.! I'm sure a lot of us were thinking of you and DD last night and wishing you well. Truly thrilled that you had such a good time together. Your mum's thoughtfulness was great too. Wishing you all the best in the future! 🌈

GreatFuckability · 06/06/2016 03:19

i went to a friends wedding and didn't give a gift. why? because i couldn't afford one. no one cared. your other 'friend' is a dick.

pollymere · 06/06/2016 09:43

Most of the people at my evening do didn't buy me a card or present. I had a clear understanding that I wanted as many people there as possible. It was held in an old barn and there were loads of gatecrashers/surprise guests. I also had a few poundshop presents - useful things which were just as welcome as the gift vouchers. I still have most of them 17 years later. Any decent person is not going to judge you based on your gift.

expatinscotland · 06/06/2016 14:51

'Clothes off a child's back?! For fucks sake, she was buying a party dress not a school uniform. I don't care if someone would bring a gift to my wedding - but don't plead poverty because you chose to prioritise a treat for yourself.'

The kid had nothing suitable to wear. So there was an £8 'priority' dress. Hmm

Helbelle75 · 06/06/2016 16:10

We had several 'just cards' at our wedding, and didn't give it a second thought. To us, the day was for friends and family to get together and have a good time, not for us to benefit from it!
Just give the beautiful card and go.
Completely with you You MakeMyDreams

Mycraneisfixed · 06/06/2016 18:31

I didn't think you gave presents unless you were invited to the wedding ceremony. If it's just th evening do then a card suffices. Glad you enjoyed itSmile

faybelle · 07/06/2016 09:28

When I got married I didn't do a gift list or expect any gifts, I wanted to celebrate with all my guests and did not want anyone to feel obliged to give anything - I am sure your friend won't be fussed either so don't worry

Ratbagcatbag · 07/06/2016 09:33

At my wedding some of my friends and family just got me us a card. It was fine, I was honoured they could make it and the relationships I have with them are certainly nothing to do with how much they can and can't give. Please don't worry about it.

eddielizzard · 07/06/2016 09:50

we were invited to a wedding once, and it wasn't at all clear that we were only invited to the evening do. had never come across this before. so pitched up and the massive meal that all the important guests were invited to was running late. so we had to wait while they finished their meal and then there was some dancing. no fucking food! and i hadn't eaten in anticipation of a meal at least.

and we bought a lovely present. wish i hadn't. felt so awful having to watch everyone else eat whilst being hungry and hanging around until we could leave without being rude.

so awful. if you're going to have an a-list and a z-list make sure that both sets get food and that you leave enough time in-between.

glad i got that off my chest.

loolilillibet · 08/06/2016 19:34

Why don't you see if you can get some of the flowers that were in her bouquet or on the tables and press them to make a collage when they have dried? Much nicer to get a gift that reminds you of the day and of your friend! There are probably lots of other cheap but special things you could make if anyone else has any ideas......

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 08/06/2016 19:44

What a lovely update. I'm really chuffed you had a good time OP.

It's also clear to see where you got some of your awesome parenting skills from - loved that your DM 'just happened' to be able to help you out when you needed it Grin

SnowBells · 08/06/2016 19:52

YANBU.

Bonkers of a friend that is...

Buckinbronco · 08/06/2016 19:55

I can't believe people don't give presents to an evening reception. I've never heard of attending and not getting a gift. Evening gift is just smaller

New posts on this thread. Refresh page