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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I have been shouted down by a friend re: another friends wedding gift.

188 replies

VinoTime · 04/06/2016 18:37

I was signed off work with mental health problems at the beginning of February. It was a pretty rough time, but I'm back to my old self now and doing good, and I was able to return to work this week Smile I was on full pay for the first month I was off, and then dropped to statutory. Frankly, I'm grateful to have received anything, though I think we can all appreciate/imagine how tight things can get financially while on SSP.

Anyway, for the past three months I have pretty much scraped by. I haven't fallen behind with anything and all of my payments for rent/bills, etc. are on track. We've had enough left over to keep me, 9yo DD, the cat and the dog fed and happy. All good. I haven't gotten into any debt to manage a standard of living we can ill afford right now, and I hacked our food budget to the absolute limit in May to treat DD on her birthday and pay for her school trips (they do a 'fun' week every May at her school and take the children on various outdoor pursuits. The thought of going cap in hand to the school unable to pay this mortified me, so I hacked every budget I could to pay it).

A good friend of mine got married earlier today. DD and I received an invitation to the evening do back in April. I have been putting whatever spare pennies I had in a jar to buy DD a pretty dress for it since then. Today we were able to go out and buy her a beautiful dress that we found on a sale rack and a cheap pair of sandals - they were total bargains and I still cannot believe our luck in finding them. I had no money for an outfit so I'm recycling a dress and a pair of shoes I found in my wardrobe - I'm hoping beautiful hair and makeup will carry me through it as the outfit isn't great Blush

My problem is a wedding gift/money. By the time we received the invite in April, the budget was eaten up with other things, including putting Holy Communion money aside for a friends set of twins. May's budget was dominated by DD's birthday and school trips. I got my SSP yesterday but council tax, childcare and various other first of the month type bills have demolished the lot. There's a little left over which will buy us food until my tax credits are paid in 2 weeks time. I've got nothing to give my friend for a gift. I've bought her a beautiful card, but I've got no money to put in it (they've got a wedding post box for cards/vouchers, etc.). Another close friend text me earlier to ask how much I was giving, and I explained the situation. She text me back: You can't give them nothing! It's their wedding! How the fuck would you feel if they did that to you?!

Sad

I can't give what I don't have. I could certainly pop some vouchers/cash in the post to them in two weeks time when I've got a bit of money, but I have nothing right now. Is that horribly unreasonable of me? I feel dreadful about it, but I can't change it. It is what it is. I was hardly going to prioritise a wedding gift over my DD's simple birthday this year or ban her from the school trips which gave her a very memorable week learning lots of different skills and experiences.

OP posts:
spanky2 · 05/06/2016 18:27

Your 'friend' sounds rude and insensitive. You have done the right thing putting your dd first. How mean of her to spoil the pleasure in buying your dd a pretty outfit for a wedding. What would she prefer your dd in jeans? It's none of her business. I love the idea of you giving a framed photo when you have the money. I wanted my friends at my wedding not their presents!

Floppityflop · 05/06/2016 18:33

Can you invite them round for a nice meal after they get back from honeymoon? It doesn't need to be too fancy. Things are often a bit dull afterwards! Then you could give them the framed photo.

expatinscotland · 05/06/2016 18:47

A bottle of fizz is a perfectly sufficient gift for an evening invite.

You are still strapped for cash and your child needs new clothes - they take those spurts and need a whole new wardrobe in a flash.

GrandMarmoset · 05/06/2016 18:55

If I were the bride, I would be mortified to think you were worrying about this. They want you there and, I'm sure, they won't care less about the money. I've been in the same position as you and I cooked a fabulous meal for the couple and delivered it with a small bunch of flowers and candles on a night of their choice for a romantic meal when they returned from honeymoon. I put a funny, home-made voucher in their card. They loved it.

Sara107 · 05/06/2016 19:20

My godmother has been very generous to me always, but she is quite a disorganised person and sometimes the gifts didn't coincide with the actual occasion. I remember often getting cards from her with messages like ' a gift will follow soonish' or 'the gift is on it's way!' In this case I would suggest writing a nice message in the card and include a comment along those lines, not giving any reason or explanation. If you say you're too skint it will make her feel bad about accepting a gift from you later. If it's only going to be a few weeks before you can get her something, she will probably hardly have even noticed the lack of a gift before she gets back from honeymoon and settles down to look through the gifts and write the thank you notes. Don't let people make you feel bad about it, extra stress about money or going into debt is not what you need while you recover.

RaspberryOverload · 05/06/2016 19:22

The wedding do was last night, and the friend has apologised unreservedly, for those who missed the update.... And a good time had by OP and DD.

everdene · 05/06/2016 19:40

I was an evening guest at a wedding when totally skint and just bought a £9 bottle of champagne from Lidl the next time I saw her - no true friend would 'expect' anything. In fact for another friend I gave her secondhand books I knew she'd love as she is a bookworm.

Please don't feel guilty or mean, it's ok not to have very much money.

clarrrp · 05/06/2016 20:06

To be honest, there will be so much going on for them today they won't even notice if you give a gift today or not.

What matter is that you are there.

You can always give your gift when they come back from honeymoon etc - folks understand. And to be honest, you mutual friend was out of order

Katherine2626 · 05/06/2016 20:14

Don't be made to feel miserable or miserly - as you say, you cannot give what you do not have. Your friend the bride wants you, not a 'thing' to help celebrate her wedding. The best things in life aren't things - they are loving friends and family, and your other so called friend would do very well to shut up and think about what is really important.

chickenstew74 · 05/06/2016 20:26

OP I just want to say well done for getting back on top of things and managing to keep a lid on your finances. It sounds as if you've had a really tough time.
You're friend was really insensitive about the wedding gift. It's really none of her business. Try not to let it get you down. I'm sure the bride will understand.

chickenstew74 · 05/06/2016 20:29

Just read the update. Glad the air was cleared and you enjoyed yourself.

rose69 · 05/06/2016 20:41

Glad you enjoyed the wedding hope you keep well in the months to come

YorkshireLass2012 · 05/06/2016 20:48

OP, I am delighted you had such a lovely time. You sound like such a lovely, thoughtful and caring person. Your pride in your daughter is evident. It is wonderful that you feel so appreciated and that you clarified things with your friend. This is by far the most feel good, most touching MN thread I have read. Wishing you and your daughter all the very best.

Alconleigh · 05/06/2016 20:49

The fizz is absolutely fine. I think you know that but just in case. There's no need to scrabble around making people romantic dinners, breakfast baskets or handmade vouchers for future labour. I'm agog tbh at some of those suggestions.

RosieSW · 05/06/2016 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WineIsMyMainVice · 05/06/2016 20:55

You sound like a good person and a great mum. You don't need to worry about this silly comment from someone who knows nothing!
Glad to hear you're better than the beginning of the year. Hope you had a lovely time at the wedding.

confusedaboutlife · 05/06/2016 21:00

What a horrible 'friend'

UpsiLondoes · 05/06/2016 21:27

Glad you had a nice time OP. Christ what hatred and histrionics on this board if your opinion differs from the pack. Clothes off a child's back?! For fucks sake, she was buying a party dress not a school uniform. I don't care if someone would bring a gift to my wedding - but don't plead poverty because you chose to prioritise a treat for yourself.

Primaryteach87 · 05/06/2016 21:43

I invited people to my wedding because I want to celebrate with them not for the money/gift.

Most people bought us presents, but it really wasn't a big deal for the few that didn't. I don't know why they didn't but I can't even remember who they were. It certainly didn't bother me.

Overshoulderbolderholder · 05/06/2016 21:43

**Gift on it's way x

Yes I like that

ZsaZsa1954 · 05/06/2016 21:53

VinoTime - you sound like a bloody marvellous mum, daughter and friend and I'm delighted you enjoyed yourselves.

ZsaZsa1954 · 05/06/2016 22:01

don't plead poverty because you chose to prioritise a treat for yourself.

Whatever a person's financial situation, no-one can live a life of unremitting austerity and penny pinching, especially not when there is a child to be thought of. Treats, however small, are good for the soul and mental health and only a deeply mean spirited and ungenerous person would suggest otherwise. OP is hardly out on the town every night and do you seriously grudge a little girl an £ 8 party dress??

Mammyashy1 · 05/06/2016 22:03

I'm getting married next month and if any of my friends or family give me a card with nothing in it that's fine even if they don't even give me a card! I'm getting married for me and my partner to be together not for what we can get. I'm inviting people to share our day and our happiness it would kill me to know one of my friends have made them selves hard up just to give me something. I don't feel you should have to explain but if you want talk to your friend surely they should understand x

AyeAmarok · 05/06/2016 22:07

Brilliant update OP!

So pleased you and DD had a great night.

Unicorntrainer · 05/06/2016 22:23

Si am so glad you are feeling better and that you had a wonderful time and that your DD felt like a princess. I love a happy ending. And from the sound of things you are doing brilliantly Lovely