I have been shouted down by a friend re: another friends wedding gift.

[VinoTime]

I was signed off work with mental health problems at the beginning of February. It was a pretty rough time, but I'm back to my old self now and doing good, and I was able to return to work this week I was on full pay for the first month I was off, and then dropped to statutory. Frankly, I'm grateful to have received anything, though I think we can all appreciate/imagine how tight things can get financially while on SSP.

Anyway, for the past three months I have pretty much scraped by. I haven't fallen behind with anything and all of my payments for rent/bills, etc. are on track. We've had enough left over to keep me, 9yo DD, the cat and the dog fed and happy. All good. I haven't gotten into any debt to manage a standard of living we can ill afford right now, and I hacked our food budget to the absolute limit in May to treat DD on her birthday and pay for her school trips (they do a 'fun' week every May at her school and take the children on various outdoor pursuits. The thought of going cap in hand to the school unable to pay this mortified me, so I hacked every budget I could to pay it).

A good friend of mine got married earlier today. DD and I received an invitation to the evening do back in April. I have been putting whatever spare pennies I had in a jar to buy DD a pretty dress for it since then. Today we were able to go out and buy her a beautiful dress that we found on a sale rack and a cheap pair of sandals - they were total bargains and I still cannot believe our luck in finding them. I had no money for an outfit so I'm recycling a dress and a pair of shoes I found in my wardrobe - I'm hoping beautiful hair and makeup will carry me through it as the outfit isn't great

My problem is a wedding gift/money. By the time we received the invite in April, the budget was eaten up with other things, including putting Holy Communion money aside for a friends set of twins. May's budget was dominated by DD's birthday and school trips. I got my SSP yesterday but council tax, childcare and various other first of the month type bills have demolished the lot. There's a little left over which will buy us food until my tax credits are paid in 2 weeks time. I've got nothing to give my friend for a gift. I've bought her a beautiful card, but I've got no money to put in it (they've got a wedding post box for cards/vouchers, etc.). Another close friend text me earlier to ask how much I was giving, and I explained the situation. She text me back: You can't give them nothing! It's their wedding! How the fuck would you feel if they did that to you?!

I can't give what I don't have. I could certainly pop some vouchers/cash in the post to them in two weeks time when I've got a bit of money, but I have nothing right now. Is that horribly unreasonable of me? I feel dreadful about it, but I can't change it. It is what it is. I was hardly going to prioritise a wedding gift over my DD's simple birthday this year or ban her from the school trips which gave her a very memorable week learning lots of different skills and experiences.

When we opened our wedding cards we immediately separated all money so no idea who gave what. We have family and friends who struggle and wanted to keep it anonymous. Some people might call that ungrateful but it was the only way in our minds to be fair to everyone. And in the end we didn't care we were more bothered that everyone had a good time at the wedding =]

Don't worry about it, the friend whose wedding it is will understand and if they don't then sod them. Weddings are expensive for the couple and the guests!

Your "friend" is an arse but I think you know this! Please don't stress, the biggest gift on a wedding day is to have your friends there to celebrate with you! If you do feel the need to give a gift, you don't have to rush. Officially, wedding etiquette allows a year to give a gift.

Etiquette states that guests technically have up to one year after the wedding to send the couple a wedding gift so you could do that when circumstances improve. A real friend should understand. Your other friend is clearly not a real friend!

Omg, I wouldn't think twice about this situation whether I was the bride or you. Tell your friend your situation and I'm sure - if she is a friend and even a halfway decent person - that she won't mind one bit.

Was the 'close friend' invited? She sounds like a prize bitch to me with absolutely no idea what it's like to be skint (I do!)
Don't let her upset you.

I'm getting married next year. I absolutely do not expect anyone to get us a gift, at all, and I really hope none of our guests feel like you do right now because there is just no need. I am very aware that just GOING to a wedding costs money, and that is more than enough. We just want a party and for everyone to have a nice time and see me poncing around in my frock.

Your friend is a complete cow. The bride will understand - I promise you.

I couldn't go with nothing, especially after I had spent money on a new outfit for dd.

However, if it's a post box can you not put in a post dated cheque and explain to your friend after the fact?

I think your friend's opinion is the same as 99% of other people's but she shouldn't be bitching at you about it. None of her business.

Your friend who is getting married will just be glad you and your daughter could attend the wedding. Don't worry about the gift - a small token of your appreciation of the invite is all that is needed - even if it is a few weeks later. Your other friend is not a friend at all if she knows of your struggles with money.

Give the card and when you can give a little token gift. Being there to celebrate is more important. Your "friend" sounds awful.

Could you offer some babysitting or something that won't cost you anything

Great idea.

I think the OP is going to want to give a present regardless of how difficult its going to be so I was going to suggest vouchers made by the OP for something along the lines of a 'spare pair of hands' that could be used by her friend when she's needing a bit of help with something.

Or maybe a nice wedding breakfast basket left on the brides doorstep on the morning of the wedding.

OP, my mum did things like you did today, getting your wee girl an outfit for the wedding in the sales and you being happy that you found it. Please don't ever worry that she'll grow up and think badly of you for times being hard. because she wont. Im almost 60 and my mum has been dead for almost 20 years but I love her more and more as time passes because of how she provided for us when times were very hard indeed.

I bet you both look lovely on the day.

Friend 2 is BVU. You received the invite after being signed off and the bride may well know things are tight. Even if she doesn't she is not getting married to rake in the cash. Either a promise of a present later or of a gift in kind if you have any relevant skills (hairdressing, gardening, baking etc) should be fine and if you are concerned a quick word to explain would be fine. Some of my guests last year didn't give us a gift but I know just attending involved travel, clothes, hotel/taxi etc and didn't think twice about this.

You have done a brilliant job managing a difficult time in your life and making sure your finances and family are kept afloat with EXTRAS. Well done you.

I would not have given an explanation to this woman in the first place but now you have I would talk to the bride - who I am sure will be fine about it - then text her to tell her that. It's none of her business.

Yanbu to not give a gift in these circumstances and it sounds like you have managed your money amazingly well.

On a separate note, I think you should have asked the school for assistance for your dd's trip. It is not cap in hand, and even if it is, I think the school would rather you asked for help from them rather than struggle whilst on ssp. My mum was a single parent and once had to confess to my school that she couldn't afford a trip. They made a hefty contribution without fuss or embarrassment to us.

Your 'friend' is a tosser.

Screw her.

What a cow you don't have to give a gift
I'd much rather somebody came to the reception with no gift and have a cracking time
It makes memories
TBH if this person was a friend why didn't she just say shed add your name onto her present too ?

What a crap friend she is to text you that :(

I would go the route of offering either babysitting or dinner/afternoon tea at yours after the honeymoon.

And don't worry. I would have hated anyone to be sitting at my wedding stressing about the bloody gift list.

Oh OP, your 'friend' is a nasty piece of work. Drop her instantly. I would be very happy with a card and your attendance as would ALL normal people. Hope you and your dd have fun!

I never expected gifts from evening guests. If you would like to give one then possibly send a future dated cheque (or a could you hand make anything?). It sounds as if you have a lot going on right now and are prioritising correctly. You can't give what you don't have. Enjoy the night with your DD - she will feel wonderful in her pretty dress and that's the pleasure you should take from this - not some vitriolic comment from a supposed friend.

You sound like you've done really well to manage on SSP.

When I got married I didn't expect any gifts or money, and was honestly grateful to everyone who came, no matter of what they gave us.

Your friend sounds horrible.

Ignore your 'friend'. Just add to the card that present is on its way. or just congratulate them and say nothing, then give a present when you can afford one.They'll be so inundated (and on honeymoon?) that they won't even notice until later.

I was broke when I went o my cousin's lavish wedding. It cost so much to get there and stay at the designated B&B that at the time I had no money left for a present. She rang me to ask what I'd given and i had to say with embarrassment that I'd not been able to get a gift. She was shocked. The marriage lasted a year! Weddings are not an excuse to rake in goodies from hard up friends and family.

No true friend would expect or want you to go into debt in order to buy them something be it for a wedding, birthday, Christmas, etc.

You are invited to the evening do to help celebrate their marriage, go with your head held high and do that. Don't mention anything to the Bride tonight, speak to her next week and explain the situation if you feel you need to if she is any sort of friend she'll just be happy you were there.

Several friends who came to my wedding didn't have much money and didn't give us anything as I said we would much rather have their company and no gift than have them feeling uncomfortable or that they could not come. I am sure any decent friend would completely understand and if it made you feel better, you can always write in the card that their gift will be with them in a fortnight.

I hope you have a lovely time.

Some friend!
I would put a note in present following. Then do what one poster said take a few photos, unawares and get a frame and give her that. I gave a silver coloured frame to a young friend and she said it was great because they had all the lovely photos and no frame to put one in. If you don't want to take photos( no camera) then get an A4 size frame. Great, job done!
No need to tell her why as it will be photo of the wedding hence not able to give on the day.

According to etiquette guides you have one year to buy a gift, so if you wanted to, you're fine.