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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I have been shouted down by a friend re: another friends wedding gift.

188 replies

VinoTime · 04/06/2016 18:37

I was signed off work with mental health problems at the beginning of February. It was a pretty rough time, but I'm back to my old self now and doing good, and I was able to return to work this week Smile I was on full pay for the first month I was off, and then dropped to statutory. Frankly, I'm grateful to have received anything, though I think we can all appreciate/imagine how tight things can get financially while on SSP.

Anyway, for the past three months I have pretty much scraped by. I haven't fallen behind with anything and all of my payments for rent/bills, etc. are on track. We've had enough left over to keep me, 9yo DD, the cat and the dog fed and happy. All good. I haven't gotten into any debt to manage a standard of living we can ill afford right now, and I hacked our food budget to the absolute limit in May to treat DD on her birthday and pay for her school trips (they do a 'fun' week every May at her school and take the children on various outdoor pursuits. The thought of going cap in hand to the school unable to pay this mortified me, so I hacked every budget I could to pay it).

A good friend of mine got married earlier today. DD and I received an invitation to the evening do back in April. I have been putting whatever spare pennies I had in a jar to buy DD a pretty dress for it since then. Today we were able to go out and buy her a beautiful dress that we found on a sale rack and a cheap pair of sandals - they were total bargains and I still cannot believe our luck in finding them. I had no money for an outfit so I'm recycling a dress and a pair of shoes I found in my wardrobe - I'm hoping beautiful hair and makeup will carry me through it as the outfit isn't great Blush

My problem is a wedding gift/money. By the time we received the invite in April, the budget was eaten up with other things, including putting Holy Communion money aside for a friends set of twins. May's budget was dominated by DD's birthday and school trips. I got my SSP yesterday but council tax, childcare and various other first of the month type bills have demolished the lot. There's a little left over which will buy us food until my tax credits are paid in 2 weeks time. I've got nothing to give my friend for a gift. I've bought her a beautiful card, but I've got no money to put in it (they've got a wedding post box for cards/vouchers, etc.). Another close friend text me earlier to ask how much I was giving, and I explained the situation. She text me back: You can't give them nothing! It's their wedding! How the fuck would you feel if they did that to you?!

Sad

I can't give what I don't have. I could certainly pop some vouchers/cash in the post to them in two weeks time when I've got a bit of money, but I have nothing right now. Is that horribly unreasonable of me? I feel dreadful about it, but I can't change it. It is what it is. I was hardly going to prioritise a wedding gift over my DD's simple birthday this year or ban her from the school trips which gave her a very memorable week learning lots of different skills and experiences.

OP posts:
blondieblondie · 05/06/2016 02:10

VinoTime, I'm late to the thread, but I just wanted to say that you sound like such a decent, grounded person. I actually have a tear in my eye at your post. So happy and grateful for what you have, despite hard times. A lot of people could learn from you, and your friends and daughter are lucky to have you. Glad you had a good night. I think you thoroughly deserve it x

Clearlyneedwine · 05/06/2016 02:10

When we got married we had friends who suggested that they'd give something after the event. It really didn't bother us if they didn't and some never did - but ironically a couple are the closest to our children and are so lovely and helpful with them that it matters not to us, a couple of other friends made homemade gifts.. I do love the idea of offering a favour or two to help out the couple - life can be so demanding the offer to help when things tough would have been a lovely gesture.

RosieSW · 05/06/2016 02:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Becky546 · 05/06/2016 02:46

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EttaJ · 05/06/2016 03:07

Vino you sound so lovely and your friend sounds like an absolute bitch. It's your presence not your presents that count. Go and have a wonderful time with your DD.

EttaJ · 05/06/2016 03:08

Oops late. Glad all went well 😊

APomInOz · 05/06/2016 03:14

Glad you and DD had a wonderful time, you sound like a beautiful person, no wonder your friend wanted you at the wedding. I'm glad your other friend saw the error of her ways and made amends. A happy ending all round. Grin

margaritasbythesea · 05/06/2016 08:23

Vinotime - what a level-headed, lovely person you sound. Glad you had a good time.

RaeSkywalker · 05/06/2016 08:53

What a wonderful update OP! You've put a huge smile on my face. It sounds like a lovely evening Smile

WizardOfToss · 05/06/2016 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

throwingpebbles · 05/06/2016 09:12

That is a lovely update!!!
and I would a thousand times rather that a 9 year old had a pretty dress bought for her rather than a present for me. Can't believe anyone would say otherwise.

Glad things are better with your other friend too
Flowers

MrsHathaway · 05/06/2016 09:14

I think this has all worked out nicely.

But as a PSA - everyone, please be advised that a cheque dated in the future can still be cashed today.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2016 09:21

Really?! I had no idea!

Mouseinahole · 05/06/2016 09:22

Just to say ime people keep and treasure the cards they receive long after money is spent and gifts forgotten.
It sounds perfect xx

Wdigin2this · 05/06/2016 09:48

Do you know her well enough to maybe put together a little book of 'Promises' for her to choose from eg: if she has kids, a) baby sit, b) do the school run, c) have kids over for play date, d) take kids to the park?

MrsHathaway · 05/06/2016 10:50

Walter - cheques are processed fairly automatically nowadays. The signature and date are only really checked if the cheque is recalled or otherwise challenged.

So all you're effectively doing is extending the period within which it can be cashed, not delaying it.

mogloveseggs · 05/06/2016 11:21

So glad your friend apologised and yay for your mum!

RaspberryOverload · 05/06/2016 11:36

Glad your friend apologised, sounds like you got the brunt of her problems, but when you get an unsolicited apology like that it can mean a lot.

It's great you had a good time, and your DD clearly had a good time too. Thanks

Waltermittythesequel · 05/06/2016 11:52

Good to know!

lazyarse123 · 05/06/2016 11:56

I'm so glad , you sound like a lovely person and a great mum. I've got a tear in my eye too.

Craigie · 05/06/2016 17:32

Tell your so called "friend" to wind her neck in. People don't get married to receive gifts, and a nice card and your company is really all that a genuine friend would want.

SooBee61 · 05/06/2016 17:33

I'd call that an ex friend if they spoke to me using that language.

Attitude84 · 05/06/2016 18:04

Tell that 'friend' who shouted at you to do one. Explain your situation to your friend who is getting married and they'll have a gift from you in those two weeks. Don't feel bad, we have all done the same at some point. At my wedding I had some family members/friends send a gift at a later date and we were more than understanding. Xx

Eeshkapeesh · 05/06/2016 18:08

Well I absolutely can't stand weddings and gifts and all that shiz, so can't really comment but it seems like you've dealt with a very difficult time marvellously - so good on you! You sound like a fab mum x

LifeIsGoodish · 05/06/2016 18:18

Dh and I have been to weddings when our budget did not run to a gift. We later gave or sent really nice gifts to later life-events (eg house-warming, new baby etc) because by then we could afford it.

Our view is that the couple invite you because they want you to share in their joy. Would they rather you spend the budget to attend, or would they rather you stay away and spend the budget on a gift?