I have been shouted down by a friend re: another friends wedding gift.

[VinoTime]

I was signed off work with mental health problems at the beginning of February. It was a pretty rough time, but I'm back to my old self now and doing good, and I was able to return to work this week I was on full pay for the first month I was off, and then dropped to statutory. Frankly, I'm grateful to have received anything, though I think we can all appreciate/imagine how tight things can get financially while on SSP.

Anyway, for the past three months I have pretty much scraped by. I haven't fallen behind with anything and all of my payments for rent/bills, etc. are on track. We've had enough left over to keep me, 9yo DD, the cat and the dog fed and happy. All good. I haven't gotten into any debt to manage a standard of living we can ill afford right now, and I hacked our food budget to the absolute limit in May to treat DD on her birthday and pay for her school trips (they do a 'fun' week every May at her school and take the children on various outdoor pursuits. The thought of going cap in hand to the school unable to pay this mortified me, so I hacked every budget I could to pay it).

A good friend of mine got married earlier today. DD and I received an invitation to the evening do back in April. I have been putting whatever spare pennies I had in a jar to buy DD a pretty dress for it since then. Today we were able to go out and buy her a beautiful dress that we found on a sale rack and a cheap pair of sandals - they were total bargains and I still cannot believe our luck in finding them. I had no money for an outfit so I'm recycling a dress and a pair of shoes I found in my wardrobe - I'm hoping beautiful hair and makeup will carry me through it as the outfit isn't great

My problem is a wedding gift/money. By the time we received the invite in April, the budget was eaten up with other things, including putting Holy Communion money aside for a friends set of twins. May's budget was dominated by DD's birthday and school trips. I got my SSP yesterday but council tax, childcare and various other first of the month type bills have demolished the lot. There's a little left over which will buy us food until my tax credits are paid in 2 weeks time. I've got nothing to give my friend for a gift. I've bought her a beautiful card, but I've got no money to put in it (they've got a wedding post box for cards/vouchers, etc.). Another close friend text me earlier to ask how much I was giving, and I explained the situation. She text me back: You can't give them nothing! It's their wedding! How the fuck would you feel if they did that to you?!

I can't give what I don't have. I could certainly pop some vouchers/cash in the post to them in two weeks time when I've got a bit of money, but I have nothing right now. Is that horribly unreasonable of me? I feel dreadful about it, but I can't change it. It is what it is. I was hardly going to prioritise a wedding gift over my DD's simple birthday this year or ban her from the school trips which gave her a very memorable week learning lots of different skills and experiences.

Your friend who is getting married will totally understand and would be mortified if she thought she was taking your last pennies as a gift. I'm not sure if you are in Ireland but unwritten rules are that you do have a year to give a wedding gift ( at least that's what I've heard lots of people saying) and I did receive gifts up to 6 months after my wedding. Go to wedding tell your other friend in nicer terms than I would to piss off and don't give it a second thought!

Oh and I'm really glad you are doing much better and impressed that you managed to get by on ssp. I think you need to look at what you have achieved in last few months and be well chuffed with yourself!

I wouldn't stress about it. If you want to give a gift how about making a note of the song they have for the first dance, getting one of those Not on the High Street "first dance" prints done (I think you can get them for less than a tenner) and putting it in a cheap frame and giving it afterwards? That way it looks like there's a reason it was after the event if you see what I mean and it's more personal as well as relatively inexpensive.

That said a true friend won't be concerned about whether you give a gift or not, especially if they have any appreciation of the circumstances!

One of my closest friends is skint and she came to our full wedding-she didn't get us a gift and I couldn't have cared less. Your friend is a twat and I'd bloody tell her she's one if I were you. for you OP and it sounds like you've done an amazing job at budgeting during some tough times.

Oh and grandma-£50 sounds a lot for an evening do to me-a bottle of Prosecco/champagne is sufficient IMO.

Tell nosy "friend" to fuck off.

Can you create a home-made voucher to give some time or skills that you have that might be helpful for her?

I would be devastated if I thought a friend had spent money they didn't have on a wedding gift. I have no idea if everyone gave us a gift or not, I wasn't keeping tabs.
If they are a decent friend they won't mind in the slightest

If she's so worried tell her to put some money in for you.

So many people came to my wedding and gave me sweet fa... Even family!!! I wouldnt worry and just say in card that you will give them something later

OP, I've posted on here before about my favourite wedding present. It was from a friend who saved for 6 months to afford the flights, couch surfed for her accomodation.

She gave us sock. Me, DH, baby DD. In the colours of where she, DH and I all met. They can have costed more than a few pounds.

I cried when I opened them. And I cried 6 months ago when I finally had to accept that they had too many holes to be salvaged.

I really can't see a real friend being worried about how much you give them or when.

(Also, I think, traditionally, etiquette says you have a year in which to give a wedding present. So tell your demanding friend to shove it. )

Don't give it another thought. The friend who told you off is irrelevant, it's not her wedding. The friend who's getting married will be happy to see you, and would be horrified if she knew you were feeling bad about no gift. She'll want everyone to be happy on her wedding day.

In a few weeks, you could give her something, or even a couple of months. If she knows you're strapped for cash and what a hard few months it's been she will entirely undersstand. If she doesn't understand, then you'll have been to a nice party with dd and you'll know you don't have to worry about that friend again.

Hope you're having a good time!

You're a real peach, Upsil . Lovely, that you'd put yourself and your own greed for other people's cash before clothes on a child's back.

Her daughter may have outgrown everything she had suitable to wear. And it's an evening invite. No gift required, but especially if you cannot afford one. And the OP cannot. Her friend is a twat.

Your friend is VUR

I got married at the end of April and was just grateful for people coming to celebrate with me. Some people just gave us a card with a lovely message in it, other people gave us £50 in cash, some brought gifts. I don't care and neither will the bride and groom if they're proper friends.

For you for getting through such a tough time, mental health problems are horrible. Go and enjoy yourself.

Why on Earth guilt her into giving anything

No one is guilting the OP into anything. They've simply recognised from the opening post that the OP seems the kind of friend to want to give something so they've suggested things she can give that wont cost her much if anything.

Your 'friend' is totally rude and out of order.

No one should 'expect' presents for their wedding, tradition might dictate that most people give a gift but it is not essential, and certainly not for an evening function. I attended a recent wedding (his second, her third ) - I know for a fact that they have a very affluent lifestyle and don't need any 'gifts' so we didn't feel obliged to give them a gift or money towards something that they could easily afford to buy for themselves.

Go to the evening function and enjoy yourself, and find some different friends.

I think it sounds like you're doing a bloody marvellous job with what little you have to manage on.

And most brides, with the exception of upsi back there, would probably rather your little girl got a nice outfit. Unless they're self centred and twatty.

expat in Scotland I totally agree with all your posts on this thread. Op please go & have a great time, you are giving them the gift of your company not B&M tat or cringy made up vouchers

YANBU.

Those who expect presents/money are just grabby!

Your friend should mind her own business.

You sound so clever and sensible. What an impressive achievement, being so clever with money is such an excellent skill.

If I was you I'd put a lottery ticket in the card. (And I'd buy the same numbers for me, just in case!) And then I'd forget about it.

If you have 'spare' money keep it!

Fabulous idea Spad. Especially the bit about a ticket with the same numbers for the OP as well.

yanbu and your friend was completely out of order to say that to you

Good...morning! Thank you all so very much for your reassuring words I'm so sorry to have posted and run. My boiler wasn't being terribly cooperative earlier so I sat and wrote this while I was waiting on it playing nice. And then I had to get ready!

DD and I had a blast. I painted all our nails, curled our hair and my makeup was looking pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. I rocked my harlot red lipstick! Felt better than I have done in ages just getting out, talking to people and having a good giggle with DD on the dance floor. Her funky chicken was much better than mine. The shame!

I wrote up their card and had DD draw them a picture of their 'wedding day'. It was very sweet. Popped that in the card and sealed it up. My mum was dropping us down at the venue and actually showed up with a lovely looking bottle of prosecco she'd been given at Christmas that she would never drink in a month of Sundays, and she'd popped it into a fancy gift bag for me to give to my friends. I could have kissed her feet. I haven't been fully open with her about my financial struggles as I've been managing, but her mothers intuition clearly knew better. So that's saved me a few quid in a couple of weeks Told DD we'd need to go to the woods and pick Nanna some wild flowers tomorrow before dinner to say thank you.

I did see my friend. She waved me over as soon as she saw us and had saved us a couple of seats next to her. She apologised to me immediately for "being such a bitch." Her words, not mine. Then she flew into a bit of a verbal tizz at how much the wedding reception had cost her - new outfits for her and her four children plus money in their card. I think I maybe got the brunt end of her frustration earlier on in the text message, which was wrong on her behalf but I think she's just stressed to the max with life right now. Her youngest is only a few weeks old and I don't think she's coping very well. I think there might also be some money worries I was totally unaware because I've been a rubbish friend these past few months with how crappy I've been feeling. So the long and short of it is I've agreed to go to hers next week for coffee and a catch up, and we'll put the world to rights. She apologised - I'm not holding a grudge.

The new Mr and Mrs are blissfully happy and it sounds like they had the best day of their lives. They looked so pleased to see us both there which tickled me. I think life can pull us down so much sometimes that it's all too easy to forget how much we mean to people. It was wonderful to be reminded of the friendships I have tonight. I'm heading to bed on a definite high.

Thank you all again for posting and being supportive.

Oh, and DD has just turned 9 and has had a massive growth spurt recently, Upsil. She pretty much needs a whole new wardrobe. Fortunately the nice weather recently has meant that her now too short leggings don't look too odd! They might have done had she worn them to tonight's wedding reception with an old t-shirt though All her summer dresses from last year are now way too small and none were fancy enough for a do like this. The joy on that child's face tonight as she twirled around in her beautiful £8 sale dress was simply precious. I so wish I could post a photo of her, but it would out me. She looked like a million bucks.

I'm really looking forward to treating her to some new bits with next months full pay. She has been so good throughout all of this. I think I get my bonus at the end of June, too. So maybe a cheap few days away after a pretty crappy few months is on the cards. Here's hoping!

What a lovely update. So glad you had a great time and are feeling good.