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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have been shouted down by a friend re: another friends wedding gift.

188 replies

VinoTime · 04/06/2016 18:37

I was signed off work with mental health problems at the beginning of February. It was a pretty rough time, but I'm back to my old self now and doing good, and I was able to return to work this week I was on full pay for the first month I was off, and then dropped to statutory. Frankly, I'm grateful to have received anything, though I think we can all appreciate/imagine how tight things can get financially while on SSP.

Anyway, for the past three months I have pretty much scraped by. I haven't fallen behind with anything and all of my payments for rent/bills, etc. are on track. We've had enough left over to keep me, 9yo DD, the cat and the dog fed and happy. All good. I haven't gotten into any debt to manage a standard of living we can ill afford right now, and I hacked our food budget to the absolute limit in May to treat DD on her birthday and pay for her school trips (they do a 'fun' week every May at her school and take the children on various outdoor pursuits. The thought of going cap in hand to the school unable to pay this mortified me, so I hacked every budget I could to pay it).

A good friend of mine got married earlier today. DD and I received an invitation to the evening do back in April. I have been putting whatever spare pennies I had in a jar to buy DD a pretty dress for it since then. Today we were able to go out and buy her a beautiful dress that we found on a sale rack and a cheap pair of sandals - they were total bargains and I still cannot believe our luck in finding them. I had no money for an outfit so I'm recycling a dress and a pair of shoes I found in my wardrobe - I'm hoping beautiful hair and makeup will carry me through it as the outfit isn't great

My problem is a wedding gift/money. By the time we received the invite in April, the budget was eaten up with other things, including putting Holy Communion money aside for a friends set of twins. May's budget was dominated by DD's birthday and school trips. I got my SSP yesterday but council tax, childcare and various other first of the month type bills have demolished the lot. There's a little left over which will buy us food until my tax credits are paid in 2 weeks time. I've got nothing to give my friend for a gift. I've bought her a beautiful card, but I've got no money to put in it (they've got a wedding post box for cards/vouchers, etc.). Another close friend text me earlier to ask how much I was giving, and I explained the situation. She text me back: You can't give them nothing! It's their wedding! How the fuck would you feel if they did that to you?!

I can't give what I don't have. I could certainly pop some vouchers/cash in the post to them in two weeks time when I've got a bit of money, but I have nothing right now. Is that horribly unreasonable of me? I feel dreadful about it, but I can't change it. It is what it is. I was hardly going to prioritise a wedding gift over my DD's simple birthday this year or ban her from the school trips which gave her a very memorable week learning lots of different skills and experiences.

OP posts:

UpsiLondoes · 04/06/2016 20:04

If you didn't give me a wedding gift because you couldn't afford it, it wouldn't bother me. If you bought new clothes to wear to my wedding and then claimed you couldn't afford a gift as well.... Yeah, that's not right. Your DD didn't need new clothes.

Fannycraddock79 · 04/06/2016 20:05

Personally I would hate myself if you bought a present for me that you couldn't afford. A card with a lovely thought in it would be fine with no need to send something at a later date.

Marmalady75 · 04/06/2016 20:05

Your friend is a cow (anD shouldn't be a friend any longer)
You were invited to the wedding to be part of the day (not as a way to get a present.
When I got married some people sent us presents up to a couple of months later. I was once told that you have up to a year to give a wedding present.

Waltermittythesequel · 04/06/2016 20:06

Missed the fact that it was an evening invitation.

In that case, no gift is fine!

FloweryTwat · 04/06/2016 20:08

We asked for gifts to charity for our wedding present, if anyone wanted to give anything. I have no idea who did and who didn't - apart from people who did buy us a gift if you see what I mean.

Why would it matter? Unless you want a very small wedding, imo a wedding day is to celebrate with people who are important to you. And as it is an evening only invite I would never assume a gift was needed anyway! I certainly wouldn't have wanted anything from people I invited for a sandwich and a bit of cake!

Ilovewillow · 04/06/2016 20:11

Ignore your "friend" she sounds deeply unpleasant! Your friend who is getting married won't care, she invited you because she wants you there. It sounds like you have done an awesome job under very difficult circumstances!

Take the card and if you feel better pop a note in saying gift to follow and leave it at that! Send them a gift when you can!

Glad you are feeling a lot better, have a great time!

eddielizzard · 04/06/2016 20:15

i wouldn't worry personally. lots of guests didn't give us gifts at our wedding. i don't even know who they were and won't work it out either. who cares? at least they made the effort to come.

if you really do want to give them something, how about something you can do for them? like babysitting or bake them a welcome home lasagne or cake? doesn't have to be money, doesn't have to cost the earth.

i have a lovely, kind old friend who is absolutely skint. he sent me a little free brochure he thought i'd like. i was so touched he bothered.

holidaysarenice · 04/06/2016 20:17

Your friend is a twat.

But I wouldn't be empty handed, but that doesn't mean it needs to be a cash gift either. It's an evening party so doesn't need to be much as opposed to the wedding. If you think you will have money and want to do something then don't even take the card and instead put the card with some wine/ prosecco whatever for their return from honeymoon/one month anniversary on their doorstep in a few weeks.

Tbh tho if you were at my wedding party I wouldn't have cared less about the present.

RaspberryOverload · 04/06/2016 20:18

UpsiLondoes Sat 04-Jun-16 20:04:06
Your DD didn't need new clothes.

Depends, doesn't it, on what else the DD had to wear. If she's not had new clothes for some time, the DD might have grown out of whatever could previously have been suitable. And the dress and sandals could be used again over the summer.

VocalDuck · 04/06/2016 20:19

UpsiLondoes Sat 04-Jun-16 20:04:06
Your DD didn't need new clothes.

And the bride and groom do not need a gift!

gamerchick · 04/06/2016 20:20

Eh its an evening invite, you don't give presents for that! A card will do, tell your pal to fuck off.

expatinscotland · 04/06/2016 20:21

Please don't pop them a gift voucher or cash in a fortnight when you have 'a bit' of money or promise a gift later. You are sailing close to the wind. You need to put your child and yourself first. A real friend would not want anything from someone who is struggling financially, especially not for an evening do.

Caravanoflove · 04/06/2016 20:24

If you are only going to the evening do I don't think gifts are expected. I certainly didn't expect or receive any gifts from evening guests and we had a very lavish wedding.

mogloveseggs · 04/06/2016 20:26

Another vote for no present needed. Hope you're having a wonderful evening

GrandmaJosephine · 04/06/2016 20:27

Sorry to derail a bit but timely thread for me. We have been invited to an evening do of a wedding (which is totally fine, slightly surprised to be invited) and they have a honeymoon fund (again great, they have lived together for a while unlikely to need 'stuff').

I was thinking initially £50 which we could afford although it is quite a lot of money for us and wondered if any less was too low? I know they will be grateful for anything but I want to be generous but not OTT. Or is £50 tight? Groom's parents gave us £1k for our wedding which we just cannot reciprocate to give a bit of context.

And OP in your situation, give something a few weeks later. More than adequate.

BackforGood · 04/06/2016 20:28

Just give the card. Don't start writing notes or explanations in it.
If you were my guest I would just want you to come, and not stress about a present.
Maybe - if you feel you want to give them something, you can do something next year for their first anniversary or something, when you are back on your feet, but you don't need to.

AmberNectarine · 04/06/2016 20:28

Upsi - how could you possibly know that? If OP hasn't had any spare cash for a while, it's quite possible her DD may have outgrown any occasion wear she already had.

OP, some of the guests at my wedding weren't able to give gifts - I was just immensely grateful they went to the time and effort of attending. Do as PPs have suggested and either give a gift at a later date or just a lovely card. If the bride is any sort of a friend I shouldn't think she'll mind in the least, much less begrudge your daughter a new dress!

Originalfoogirl · 04/06/2016 20:29

Having a wedding post box seems to indicate this is a couple who are not bothered about gifts and who gives them. If they are the kind of people who are so grabby they expect every single person to give a gift, they don't deserve to have one from someone who is struggling for cash.

For our wedding we stated on the invitations we didn't expect gifts from anyone, but if people wanted to give something, we had an account with Virgin travel for our honeymoon. It was entirely anonymous and we had no idea who gave what. If we had got nothing at all, we wouldn't have cared, we weren't getting married for gifts. If I thought for one minute that someone was really struggling and was worried bout going along without a gift, I'd have felt horrible. In fact, I'd be more likely to hand them the vouchers and give them a holiday.

expatinscotland · 04/06/2016 20:30

Give what you can afford, Grandma. And the OP can afford nothing. Not in a few weeks, either. She's still cutting it fine and should use anything spare to start rebuilding savings for emergencies or in case she gets sick again. I'm sure these people can live without her 20 quid or whatever and personally, I'd be mortified and unwilling to accept money from someone who is struggling.

CheeseBagette · 04/06/2016 20:33

I had some friends who were on a limited budget who made us a present for our wedding. It was two miniature models of me and DH getting married, made out of scraps of wool and fabric. I can genuinely say that it was my favourite present. The fact that it was hand made and so much thought had gone into it, made it very special. It is in fact the only wedding present that I can actually remember all these years later and still is displayed very proudly in my china cabinet. I only mention this, just in case you are crafty and this could be an option.

Another option might be to promise to cook them a nice meal at some point after the wedding. I would be really chuffed if someone did something like that for me!

SabineUndine · 04/06/2016 20:34

it's none of this woman's business how much you are giving and it was appalling of her even to ask.
your friend who is getting married would understand - why not write her a jokey IOU 'broke at the moment, gift to follow'?

expatinscotland · 04/06/2016 20:36

But why does she have to give something? It's an evening invite and she's skint and a single mum. FFS, all this make them something, cook them something. What if she's not crafty, what if she doesn't have a lot of time, she obviously doesn't have any spare money. Why on Earth guilt her into giving anything?! What kind of mate expects this? You'd really have loved a mate cooking you and your new spouse a meal? Cringe. You've got married, not fallen ill with some terrible disease.

eddielizzard · 04/06/2016 20:37

didn't see it was an evening only invite. no gift.

Arkhamasylum · 04/06/2016 20:40

See, you could have just refused the invitation and saved the dress money etc. The fact that you said yes and saved up and bothered to go says a lot more about your friendship than £xx in a card.

Re-reading your original post, OP, it sounds like you're handling everything amazingly well. Don't let your other friend make you doubt yourself. She's not in your situation. A lovely, thoughtful card is perfect.

Originalfoogirl · 04/06/2016 20:41

Upsil

So you don't care if you don't get a gift from someone, as long as they follow your idea of how they should be spending their money?

You'd rather she wore an old outfit and gave you money, than dare to buy a new frock for a night out?

What a crock of shit.

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