Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with this mother

294 replies

Angelsandmagnets · 04/06/2016 16:27

DD (11) and her friend who is the same age went out into town today with friend's mother 'chaperoning' (basically meeting them in Costa halfway through).

I gave DD £20, which would seem appropriate for an 11 year old shopping trip. However DD became increasingly uncomfortable as her friend bought a very expensive pair of jeans and was pressuring DD into doing the same.

I may have been skeptical about this however when they met friend's mother in the coffee shop she seemed shocked that DD had so 'little money' and asked if 'she needed more since I didn't give her enough'.
Angry
Fast forward a few hours and I'm now not sure what to do. DD is very embarrassed (I seriously doubt she would make this up) and I am supposed to be going out with this mother for coffee tomorrow. Should I confront the issue or just drop it? Aibu to be completely puzzled and annoyed by this mother?

OP posts:
Buckinbronco · 05/06/2016 21:12

Lol seriously teacherwith2kids? Everyone I know spent most Saturdays of their teen years mooching round town shopping. It's not unusual at all to buy clothes you don't need. Why do you think there are so many clothes shops selling so many clothes?

Kellyl26 · 05/06/2016 21:13

I don't think you were being unreasonable but I don't think it's that big a deal. She was trying to be kind after all. I sent my DS to a paintball party with an extra £20, his friends Dad dropped them off and gave my DS another £20. I wasn't offended as he was just being generous.
With regards to going out shopping I don't think it's a good idea to let your kids have too much cash at a young age. They do need to have some idea of the value of money & just don't want them at risk of being mugged, losing the money, spending it on rubbish etc. What clothes you buy your own kids is personal choice.

Katarzyna79 · 05/06/2016 21:17

Haven't read the entire thread but it's peaked my interest can't believe how much people spend on such young kids.

£20 is more than enough for a cheap top, jeans, accessories, summer sandals? Personally id encourage my children to spend it on experiences they will remember. A nice place to eat out and chat. An indoor rock climbing session. the lazer tag thing, bowling and a cheap meal. Sport of their choice with friends + a meal, ice skating?, indoor roller skating etc. Everyone is obsessed with disposable fashion and as nice as it is there are far better things to spend money on, make your child realise that whilst theyre young.

WhereTheFuckIsMyCunt · 05/06/2016 21:20

When I was a teenager if I wanted a pair of jeans I saved up for them. Wasn't an impulse purchase. Guess we didn't have such cheap shops in the 80s though. I remember buying Lee jeans and they were £30 and this is over 20 years ago! Now you can buy jeans for £11 in primark.

GDarling · 05/06/2016 21:28

Why didn't your DD just ring you at the time and discuss it?? Maybe you could of had a word with the mother!

bringbacksideburns · 05/06/2016 21:28

She's a rude twat OP.

Why do some people assume that you should spend the same as them? You may not want to and more importantly you may not be able to afford to.

What she should have done is make her dd change the subject to stop embarrassing your daughter, then complimented your dd on what she did purchase.

I would have just said to her. " We can't really afford that unless it's a special treat for Birthday or Christmas."

£20 is perfectly adequate for an 11 year old child. My 13 year old would be made up with that- enough for MaccyD, make up and some top from new look,

Do people really give 11 yr olds Debit cards?? (Earlier in the thread)
Blush

riceuten · 05/06/2016 21:33

Make a joke about it, and see how she reacts...

TrevorPhillips · 05/06/2016 21:34

Ignore that fucker

Pambilaga1608 · 05/06/2016 21:39

They are all like little clones these days. I'm smiling reading these because I live in Spain and my 12yr old does exactly the same thing as others in the uk-- Starbucks, Claire's, lip gloss and a top- here it's Bershka. Even the clothes they all wear and buy are the same. Here I give her 20-30 euros.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/06/2016 21:47

I totally agree bringback, somehow, I don't think there will be another shopping trip with this girl. It was rude, the mother shoukd have changed the subject, and not make your dd feel bad.

justatoe1 · 05/06/2016 21:48

It will cost you a fortune if you give her £20 each time she goes shopping as they could end up going every week or more.
I gave far less than that as I think shopping is a necessity and not a pastime.

halighhalighaliehaligh · 05/06/2016 21:55

Bit of a double standard on this thread. How dare the other mum have an opinion on how much your dd had to spend. Yet most people on here plus the op have a clear opinion that the other mum was wrong to give her dd the amount she did. The other mums only crime was lending the op's (upset by her account) dd money. Maybe she shouldn't have but is it really worth ruining the dd's friendship over. Do we even know that the other mum expected it back? Maybe it was a gift. I have certainly bought things for dd's friends when I've taken them out and no parent has ever said anything other than thank you!

strawberrybubblegum · 05/06/2016 21:59

I agree with haligh that this has been blown out of proportion, and it's a shame everything is awkward now.

This family make different spending choices to you - no big deal, and something worth talking through with your daughter so she's comfortable with it. It's something she will encounter again and again throughout her life!

The way I interpret it is:

  1. Your DD felt uncomfortable about not being able to spend like her friend (both children need to learn to manage that type of situation better - but they're both only 11!)
  2. The other mother mistook your DD's discomfort for disappointment and tried to make it better - perhaps not the best judgement, but it sounds like it came from the right place
  3. I read her text as saying that she had intended the money as a gift, not a loan - which was in response to you being a bit pointed about the money getting back to her. Not sure about the 'finer things in life' comment, unless she meant it tongue-in-cheek!
  4. Suggesting that they brought the same amount of money next time was presumably just a way to seek a harmonious solution. She doesn't realise that to you it's about attitudes to money. Have you actually told her that? (in a non-attacky way, eg 'I'm keen for DD not to feel a need to compete on material possessions. I'm sure F didn't mean to, but that's why DD felt uncomfortable').

I think at this point, the best thing - as you suggest - is to leave the girls to it. At this age, they can manage their friendships without parental involvement.

I'd think it would be worth talking all these things through with your DD though. Not only because this is her friendship, but because these are important things to take into her adult life.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/06/2016 22:07

Op dd was being pressured to spend the same amount by her friend, it woukd be ok if they had kept quiet. The mother seemed shocked at dd lack of money and offered to lend her that, not thinking that mabey it's too much for an 11 year old girl, ir op can it afford it.

halighhalighaliehaligh · 05/06/2016 22:09

But Aero this is what has been reported by and 11 year old girl. Who may well have been upset that she had less money and not wanted to say that to her mum.

2catsnowaiting · 05/06/2016 22:09

teacher I'm with you. I buy my kids clothes when they need them, or if i see something I think they'd like in a charity shop. Oldest is nearly 10, I can't imagine in a year's time sending her out with money to throw away on expensive clothes. Maybe buying a few nonsenses, fine, but if she needs clothes, I will go with her and help her choose sensibly. She bought a pair of ripped knee jeans with her pocket money which I wouldn't buy as she already had plenty of trousers. They were still only £6 in Primark, and if she'd had a yen for something more expensive, she would have had to have saved up her pocket money for them unless I agreed they were a sensible and needed purchase. I hope that as a teen she will appreciate the joys of charity shops as I do, and enjoy getting a bargain.

I've never spent vast amounts of time or money on clothes shopping myself, and yet have tons of clothes. People who constantly shop must also be constantly throwing things otherwise their house would be full. I bought two Zara dresses in charity shop last week for £2 each. Have never shopped in actual Zara in my life.

C2H5OH · 05/06/2016 22:11

Thank fuck I have boys. I think you all sound insane. £20 for a trip to town at the weekend? Is that real? We are not poor by any stretch of imagination, but if my boys went off on their own with their mates I'd expect them to use their pocket money.
This is paltry, but they buy little. One has over £200 in account after birthday.

seriouslynoidea · 05/06/2016 22:12

I have 4 dc and buy all of the younger ones' clothes, and a lot of older ones, certainly at 11 I still buy all, and I buy 90% on eBay, they all know it second hand and no problem with that, I balk at £15 for Seven for all mankind jeans for me on eBay, couldn't stomach £40 for kids ones. I'm not sure she is malicious just thoughtless, perhaps trying to make an impression quickly as she is new, is a shame you two didn't chat before the trip and set boundaries. You don't have to get on with all the parents of kids' friends, it happens less as they grow up and a bonus if you do. Next time maybe talk to dd first and tell her how much you prepared to give her and ask if she is still happy to go knowing friend may have more? She has to find out sooner or later some have more cash than others but she can be just as happy.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/06/2016 22:15

I am just going by what the op has said, mums reaction does tally up. As they come from a wealthy family, I can imagine this may be very little for them.

Fresta · 05/06/2016 22:15

teacherwith2kids, seriously, your child only has 3 t-shirts and 1 pair of jeans? What does he wear if his jeans are dirty? That would never work for our lifestyle. DD has changed 3 times today. She got dressed in shorts and top this morning but had to change due to getting soaked in a water fight, then she changed again into something nice as we went out in the evening. It's perfectly normal to buy clothes you don't need, and perfectly acceptable to follow fashion trends. I buy clothes because I like them, not because I need them and I guess dd will do the same. I give my dd £5 when she goes shopping with friends, I hate to see her waste too much money on complete tat (which she always does).

halighhalighaliehaligh · 05/06/2016 22:20

I think a friendly text to clarify what actually happened wouldn't have gone a miss rather than wading in with 'my dd said this'.

Specialagentblond · 05/06/2016 22:20

OP, £20 is not an unreasonable amount, and well done to your DD for handling the situation so well.

Let the mother know that you are proud of the way your DD didn't spent the unsolicited money. If she wanted to give your daughter money, she should have rung you before doing so, or just left it as more normal people would do.

Lol at finer things in life, bless her.

Would love to see her face if told her your daughter said she only had £20 as she thought those jeans were hideous and she was just trying to get out of buying them (don't do that tho, it will backfire on well adjusted DD)

Let us know how coffee goes..

strawberrybubblegum · 05/06/2016 22:20

Aero - to an 11yo girl, saying 'Oh go on, they'll look great on you. I'm sure your mum won't mind' might just be a way of connecting with her friend - especially if buying lots of clothes was the norm in her family.

The 11yo whose new friend (who she wants to impress) said that might feel that as pressure - especially if buying unnecessary clothes wasn't the norm in her family.

Even adults find it hard to navigate similar situations (a friend encouraging you to come on a night out/holiday, or buy something), but these girls are just 11 and still learning all the tricks and subtleties of social behaviour. The adult way of laughing it off with a wry 'I'd love to, but I'm being a bit careful with money just now.' is still way, way beyond them.

CocktailQueen · 05/06/2016 22:21

We are a high income household. We had this chat this eve after dd went shopping with a friend, funnily enough...

DD goes on shopping trips with her friends and the max she has ever taken was £30 for a special bday trip.

£40 on a pair of jeans for an 11yo?? Fucking insane.

I'd tell the mother not to give my dd money in future, as you gave her what YOU considered enough , and say something like you'd like her to realise the value of money and not be given money every weekend for unnecessary shopping trips.

Italiangreyhound · 05/06/2016 22:22

Angelsandmagnets it sounds like you handled it well. As "The morning ended a bit awkwardly" it's not your fault, it just happened.

I agree ".... I think I'll just see how friend's and DD's friendship goes, but I won't let her be pressured into taking more money along next time." Just see how it goes. If the chance to go shopping again comes up just give your dd what you wish to. If dd wants more money can she save up birthday money, earn a little extra pocket money, etc? Learning to deal with these little ups and downs is all part of life isn't it. My dd is 11 and she has not been out on any shopping trips without me yet, she has no interest in shopping. I would quite like her to but she doesn't. Learning to live within your means is a great idea, learning to be happy in differing circumstances, priceless.