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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with this mother

294 replies

Angelsandmagnets · 04/06/2016 16:27

DD (11) and her friend who is the same age went out into town today with friend's mother 'chaperoning' (basically meeting them in Costa halfway through).

I gave DD £20, which would seem appropriate for an 11 year old shopping trip. However DD became increasingly uncomfortable as her friend bought a very expensive pair of jeans and was pressuring DD into doing the same.

I may have been skeptical about this however when they met friend's mother in the coffee shop she seemed shocked that DD had so 'little money' and asked if 'she needed more since I didn't give her enough'.
Angry
Fast forward a few hours and I'm now not sure what to do. DD is very embarrassed (I seriously doubt she would make this up) and I am supposed to be going out with this mother for coffee tomorrow. Should I confront the issue or just drop it? Aibu to be completely puzzled and annoyed by this mother?

OP posts:
HarveySchlumpfenburger · 05/06/2016 19:39

So presumably she could spend less on a couple of trips and pool that with the £20 from the next trip to buy something bigger that she wanted like a £40 pair of jeans.

Always interesting to see how different people do things. I was always given my allowance at the start of the month and once it ran out that was it. The only thing it didn't have to cover was school uniform and the cost of extra-curricular activities.

The first time you miss the cinema trip all your friends are going on because you haven't thought through what you've been spending tends to focus the mind a bit. Grin

barbecue · 05/06/2016 19:57

I'd be really annoyed TBH.

amidawish · 05/06/2016 19:58

arghhh this is like the "cancel the cheque OP" thread

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE COST OF JEANS !!!

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 05/06/2016 20:01

It's always the way, especially in AIBU, amid.

barbecue · 05/06/2016 20:01

Yes the jeans aren't relevant. But the mother's comments about "the finer things in life" and "her friends usually shop like this as well" sound quite snobbish and don't do anything to include you - it's like she's placing you in a different category to others. She's probably oblivious that it could come across like that though.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 05/06/2016 20:06

Even those are fairly minor compared to telling the OP's DD that her mother should have given her more and then topping it up.

amidawish · 05/06/2016 20:07

true.
tell your dd to run a mile.
how did the meeting go?

WolfAmMo · 05/06/2016 20:10

My 11 year old is very sensible however I would never allow them to go shopping in town on their own. Are you crazy???

Donthate · 05/06/2016 20:12

how did coffee go?

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 05/06/2016 20:12

Shopping at all Wolf or just shopping for clothes?

Kr1stina · 05/06/2016 20:16

It just proves that money doesn't buy you manners, sensitivity or intelligence .

I pity those 11yo who believe that £70 is petty cash to be spent on a casual shopping trip, their parents are very foolish.

Original poster
Angelsandmagnets · 05/06/2016 20:16

Hi all, had the coffee meeting earlier today. Well...

The issue came up about halfway through the conversation with the mother mentioning the girls' trip into town. I casually asked if the money had got back her, she said yes. She then said that DD seemed upset about 'lack of money' and this is why she offered her some. I did ask DD if she had made a sort of sad child impression but she insisted this wasn't true but she was embarrassed about the price of jeans the friend had bought. The mother suggested that both girls bring the same amount next time. I said that was fine but I wasn't giving DD £40+ for a mooch around the shops. Mother then became a little defensive, saying that there was nothing wrong with buying some nice jeans, and maybe my DD should be becoming more mature and buying her own clothes. It seems that how she was brought up meant that they bought their own (expensive) clothes from about this age. I found this quite annoying and insisted my DD was not immature and that children at that age grow all the time. Mother then suddenly seemed keen to reconcile and change the topic- maybe she isn't one for argument Confused. The morning ended a bit awkwardly, I did send her a thanks for having me over text but she has not replied. I think I'll just see how friend's and DD's friendship goes, but I won't let her be pressured into taking more money along next time.

OP posts:
HarveySchlumpfenburger · 05/06/2016 20:29

It's starting to sound a bit tit for tat.

She is right, there is nothing wrong with buying a £40 quid pair of jeans if you have the money and that's the decision you make. Did you phrase it as 'that's fine, but I'm not giving dd £40+ for a mooch about town?' Or did you soften that a bit.

Original poster
Angelsandmagnets · 05/06/2016 20:45

Rafa It was more like 'Just not comfortable giving her that much on her person not on a card etc.'

OP posts:
teacherwith2kids · 05/06/2016 20:53

I've read this with a mouth like Shock

As a family, we buy clothes that we NEED. So DS (15) has just ordered 3 T-shirts for the summer because he's grown 4-6 inches since last summer, and so his current t-shirts don't meet his trousers. Similarly his pair of jeans is too short, so when we identify somewhere that sells approximately his size (26" waist, 34-36" inside leg, so not a 'normal' size) we will buy him a new pair.

That will then be it for the summer.

Similarly DD and I, over a couple of weekends, did her summer clothes shopping - 3 vest tops, a T-shirt, a pair of shorts and a pair of cropped jeans,. we had reviewed what was in her wardrobe / drawers, decided what the gaps were, and decided what she needed to buy. She did the mooching and choosing, I went along to pay for the 'more expensive' items (New Look jeans), she bought the tops independently.

I don't need any new clothes this summer, nor does DH, so we won't buy any. I bought s linen blouse for work back in the spring, as my old one had gone into holes.

Is expecting to go into town and just buy clothes you don't need n a 'normal' thing?

WhereTheFuckIsMyCunt · 05/06/2016 20:54

Wow, well that's one friendship I wouldn't be encouraging. Not fair of the mum to loan your dd money like that.

My dd is 15yo and gets £40 a month pocket money. She's seen by her friends as the one with more money than most. So I don't think its normal to buy £40 worth of jeans, certainly not in dd's circle. They all shop in primark, new look and h&m.

Galdos · 05/06/2016 20:58

According to the Office of National Statistics, the average gross pay in the UK is £25,948 (March 2016). In London I understand it is more like £34,000.

Cagliostro · 05/06/2016 20:58

only read OP but I don't think YABU

teacherwith2kids · 05/06/2016 20:58

(I should point out that DD, 13, doesn't need many clothes at all, as she primarily wears school uniform or dance kit, and we buy what she needs for that - uniform and non-uniform leotards, tights, assorted shoes etc. Equally DS has what he needs for school and for sport. i suppose we treat 'normal' clothes as exactly like 'uniform' clothes - we buy what we need, in styles that we like at the time, and expect it to last until outgrown or worn out, when it is replaced)

CountryLovingGirl · 05/06/2016 20:59

We are a fairly high income household but I wouldn't spend £40 on a pair of jeans for myself let alone an 11 year old! My 12 year old but gets £15 if he goes on a shopping trip (as do his friends).

plantsitter · 05/06/2016 21:01

The idea that she has any say whatsoever in how much your daughter takes shopping is a bit flabbergasting really. Surely the girls learn the lesson that some people do things one way and -newsflash!- some do it a different way.

Stick with what you want to do and just let DD get on with the friendship. You don't have to be mates with the other mum. Sounds like your daughter handled it pretty well anyway.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 05/06/2016 21:03

That's definitely softer.

Your DD sounds quite sensible. Could you explain to her that you and her friends parents do things differently and your reasons for doing it your way? It might help to smooth the way next time.

halighhalighaliehaligh · 05/06/2016 21:05

I really think this has been blown out of all proportion. The woman offered to chaperone the children on a shopping trip which was nice of her. She also gave your dd some money when she was upset. Maybe she shouldn't have but I don't think it makes her the worst person in the world. Maybe she thinks our dd didn't have much money to spend. You clearly think her dd had a ridiculous amount. Now everything's awkward - for the kids as well no doubt. I'm not sure why your dd would be uncomfortable with how much her friends jeans cost. Does she think everyone has the same amount of money and buys the same things all the time. If it was my dd I would have just told her not to lend money in future and continue to give her what I'm happy for her to spend when she's shopping. No need to make the friendship awkward. I would also have thanked the other mum for chaperoning.

theclick · 05/06/2016 21:06

£20 is enough for an 11 year old! I also don't think 11 year olds should be buying most of their stuff in Topshop etc - primark is fine given how quickly they change their minds about clothes

pourmeanotherglass · 05/06/2016 21:12

I have a 12 year old and 13 year old - £20 sounds plenty to me for a trip to town with friends. Mine would normally go to places like Primark or New Look, and maybe buy a T-shirt, or get a poster from hmv, or a book from WHSMITHS, then if they are short of cash it's a Gregs sausage roll for lunch, but if they have a bit more they might get a frappucino from Starbucks.
Sometimes they meet friends in town with much less money than that - possibly because they go to an inner city comp but live in different directions, so town is the one place they can all get to.
I wouldn't want to trust them with too much money yet, I prefer to choose most of their clothes with them.