To be furious with this mother

[Angelsandmagnets]

DD (11) and her friend who is the same age went out into town today with friend's mother 'chaperoning' (basically meeting them in Costa halfway through).

I gave DD £20, which would seem appropriate for an 11 year old shopping trip. However DD became increasingly uncomfortable as her friend bought a very expensive pair of jeans and was pressuring DD into doing the same.

I may have been skeptical about this however when they met friend's mother in the coffee shop she seemed shocked that DD had so 'little money' and asked if 'she needed more since I didn't give her enough'.

Fast forward a few hours and I'm now not sure what to do. DD is very embarrassed (I seriously doubt she would make this up) and I am supposed to be going out with this mother for coffee tomorrow. Should I confront the issue or just drop it? Aibu to be completely puzzled and annoyed by this mother?

wherethefuckismycunt same I grew up in the 80s we only had things when we "needed" it. Need meant hole in shoe, wait 2-3 weeks until money was saved for a good pair of shoes rather than a cheaply made one.

If I wanted something nice to wear for a festival or family wedding i'd use my part time work money and mum would top it up a bit. Everything was about earning it and waiting for the reward.

Everything seems to be cheap and disposable these days, and a lot of folks want instant gratification but that's another subject I guess.

I know I used to have to beg to go cinema when I was 13, even then it was a rare treat, usually £10 covered the ticket drinks and popcorn. I'm sure it costs more now but id use my money on the flicks any day rather than clothes.

C2H agree I think its insane too, plus shopping is not a leisure activity its a stressful chore that I do only when necessary

1. Suggesting that they brought the same amount of money next time was presumably just a way to seek a harmonious solution

This ^ Smacks of a spoilt child and parents wants to placate - I would suggest her DD wanted OP DD to buy the same and her mother didn't want a scene - clones - As I said earlier DD friend was the same - mother was such a helicopter parent - and wanted her DD happy at the expense of mine - which is what she did - your DD is just another object to keep her DD happy - good luck with that - but step away from the mom and let DD sort herself out

My 11yo gets a £10 to take into town.

Her jeans cost just over a tenner too. My jeans don't even cost £40. Although I would pay £40 for jeans for the kids if there was something special about them. I wouldn't pay £40 for bog standard jeans that happen to have "Levi" sewn into the back of them.

Dd1 wants a pair of £60 jeans, but they have zips/patterns etc and I can't find any similar for cheaper. I've told her I'll pay half.

Would anything have been wrong with a passing comment like 'dd said you'd lent her some money - it as very nice of you but is it ok if you don't if they go out again? I don't really want her to get used to spending more than £20 when she's in town with friends. I like to be with her when we do her main clothes shop' or something like that? Either that or just encourage your dd to say 'no thanks' in future. I've never known anyone in real life to get into some hostile tit for tat with the mum of a friend for taking their child out and lending (or possibly giving) their child some money. At 11 years old you can't just ditch the friendship. If your dd wants to be friends with this girl she will be. Why not try and keep things friendly?

Well, you can close your mouth and just get with the fact that some people like to buy clothes because they enjoy putting an outfit together and take pleasure in fashion - it's a gigantic industry and an art form. It's not all about utility for many people, although it might be for you, which is fine. I don't need paintings on my wall or decorative ceramics, or beautiful rugs, cushions and blankets. I have these things because they bring me aesthetic pleasure. Sorry, bit off topic, but these threads often do bring out a puritan streak in people.

I don't think there is a right punt - it's all relative to Income and spending choice. I spent £280 on jeans for my 14 yr old because we both lived them, they looked lovely and I can afford it. The point is that the mother shouldn't have given your daughter money but I suspect your DD is not completely innocent in all this - she was uncomfortable at the price of jeans? Why? I suspect she bemoaned the fact that she couldn't have the jeans too and the other mother made the bad decision but with kind intent to offer her the money. There'sore to your ds's version than she's saying methinks.

Your text could be interpreted as rude and patronising, I am not surprised by how she responded. She made a judgment on how to deal with the shopping trip and got it wrong, according to you!

some people like to buy clothes

Fine - just don't suggest children aren't provided for well enough by their parents

The OP's original text was rude and judgmental. Especially since she didn't know the person she was sending it too. It might have been passable if she'd known the other parent better.

Having the face to face conversation first would probably have been better. Tone doesn't always come across well in a text message.

"teacherwith2kids, seriously, your child only has 3 t-shirts and 1 pair of jeans? What does he wear if his jeans are dirty? "

Well, 5 days a week he wears uniform, and usually changes out of that into sports kit for extracurricular sports (DD changes into dance kit every evening after school). One night a week he changes into jeans because he has music groups.

1 day a week at the weekend he wears sports kit.

The other day he wears jeans, or this time of year he wears long shorts.

OK, it seems I'm not normal in only buying clothes that we need.

Nobody i knew as a teen mooched in town shopping - I was a) poor b) rural and c) spent terms at boarding school. I made my own clothes (well, I took over from my mum, because I made them better than she did). Clothes were EXPENSIVE then - I well remember my DB's school blazer cost £40, which was an appalling amount of money for us to find in one go. (Despite my school being private and boarding - I went free, 100% scholarship - the uniform was v. cheap because there was a thriving second hand shop)

This sort of thing happens all the time at this age because parents act so differently. Don't be annoyed about it it's really not a problem.i can remember similar things happening in yr 7 some parents give lots of money out and then feel bad for the other child.

Also..H & M for eg is a lot less expensive..even their adult jeans are about 25/30 lol

I can't get over £280 for a pair of jeans. For anyone. That's just wrong.

When I was 11 I was shopping at markets or at Tammy Girl. I'd be given £10 a week pocket money (20 years ago). £40 jeans is ridiculous. £20 to dick about the shops is bloody brilliant for an 11 year old. I'm sure if your DD needed anything in particular you'd buy it for her.

Sounds as if both of you are a bit defensive now. She was wrong to offer your daughter money and she probably knows that. The taken aback that your dd doesn't have the same shopping habits is also nasty and a dig but I think it's in response to the original text, which may have sounded a little harsh.
I really don't think they need to take the same amount of money on shopping trips. They don't have to buy the same things and in life we don't all have the same amount of money, I think it's a valuable lesson of accepting everybody is different.
When I was young, my family had an affluent life but most of my friends didn't. It never ever affected our friendship.
I am not well off now and my DC, 17, would get £20 if he was going into town. He is still at school so no income. He only gets £5 a week pocket money.
You are doing the right thing now to just leave the whole situation alone and let the girls get on with it.

I can't get over £280 for a pair of jeans. For anyone. That's just wrong.

Wrong in which way? If you can afford it why not?

You were darn right to be annoyed, what kind of person tells you that you did not give your daughter enough. £20 is more than enough for an eleven year old to spend, I would say that the mother is obviously the sort of person who enjoys putting people down. Best avoided lots of other nicer mums out there with far nicer characters, would you say something likethis to another mother?....no you would not because you are well brought up and consider other peoples feelings...what an ignorant woman she is.

I don't get MN sometimes. You're going mad at spending anything over £10 for a pair of jeans (which I agree with btw) but then you're all shopping in Boden and John Malone at the same time. The ladies clothes threads always lean towards the high end high street brands.

Of course £20 is enough! That's what my 13year old sister gets when she goes shopping with friends. This weekend she purchased a pair of vile 6inch heels. They were in a clearance sale so can't be returned Imagine giving away £40+ to be spent on crap!

Plenty of Boden on eBay! Kids love their pjs, brand new with label cut.

Blimey. I shop in charity shops - I can afford elsewhere but feel it's more fun and ethical than primark and I would rather spend my money on other activities but I would happily shop with someone who spent more in designer shops, I just wouldn't buy there myself for my personal reasons and take the opportunity to help a friend find what they wanted.

Sounds like your DD was taking that attitude and good on her. I'd comment on how proud you are your DD is so sensible with money at such a young age.

C2H I think you all sound insane.. This makes you look a bit silly as Op doesn't give her child pocket money so the occasional £20 is her dds pocket money. How do you know that isn't the case for plenty of other parents, who replied? In that context, £20 isn't a lot of money but is plenty for the trip.

Where the fuck. I was 11 in the early 80's. I didn't have hardly any clothes. They were so much more expensive in those days. If your parents couldn't buy you more expensive brands, you ended up in unfashionable and embarrassing clothes as more affordable were known as "cheap" and lacking in style. So I understand why you saved up for so long. Mother finally bought me a branded pair of jeans, maybe age 12/13 and I wore them to death. Items were only ever replaced when worn or outgrown. I only had 4/5 outfits hanging in my wardrobe max and what fitted me at 11/12 fitted me when I was 16 because I grew upwards into a string bean. I remember my brother having a pair of Lee Jeans. But it really was one pair to last years.

Do little girls not just go to Claire and buy tat anymore?! I would have thought £20 would be more than enough! How rude of the other mother though.

Morning, did mention that my previous text was 'along the lines of'. It was longer and put more softly. I deliberately didn't want to offend this mother, as we were going out for coffee the next day.

Janecc - exactly (I am probably a couple of years older than you).

You seem to have lost a potential friend there. Ah well, next time be a bit less defensive and prickly.