Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with this mother

294 replies

Angelsandmagnets · 04/06/2016 16:27

DD (11) and her friend who is the same age went out into town today with friend's mother 'chaperoning' (basically meeting them in Costa halfway through).

I gave DD £20, which would seem appropriate for an 11 year old shopping trip. However DD became increasingly uncomfortable as her friend bought a very expensive pair of jeans and was pressuring DD into doing the same.

I may have been skeptical about this however when they met friend's mother in the coffee shop she seemed shocked that DD had so 'little money' and asked if 'she needed more since I didn't give her enough'.
Angry
Fast forward a few hours and I'm now not sure what to do. DD is very embarrassed (I seriously doubt she would make this up) and I am supposed to be going out with this mother for coffee tomorrow. Should I confront the issue or just drop it? Aibu to be completely puzzled and annoyed by this mother?

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 04/06/2016 16:57

I think I am the only person that is going to agree with the mother, £20 can't buy much these days especially when you are 11 years old, and £40 to spend on a pair of jeans is actually cheap.

There's always one. Hmm

pippistrelle · 04/06/2016 16:58

especially when you are 11 years old

Are they famous for their expensive tastes?

I imagine the OP envisaged a bit of stationery, key rings and lip gloss buying rather than full-on shopping spree.

Fairylea · 04/06/2016 16:58

Just wanted to add £40 for jeans for a teen or preteen is a lot of money - dd and her friends all wear primark jeans at £7-12 a pair.

CheekyMcgee · 04/06/2016 16:59

£20 is plenty! Blimey, my own jeans dont even cost £40!

WoodleyPixie · 04/06/2016 17:00

My daughter is only 10, but my 14yr old son has a debit card on his account. So he doesn't need to carry large amounts of cash. This means when he goes shopping I can transfer an amount and tell him up spend no more but if he spends it he gets nothing else for x amount of days/weeks.

The first couple of times he wasted it on PlayStation points etc but now thinks more carefully about what he wants to buy.

I'll do the same with dd when she's old enough to go into town. She's only yr5 though so not for another year or so.

amidawish · 04/06/2016 17:01

do 11 year olds really buy jeans/clothes by themselves?

no matter how much dd has to go shopping (12) with friends she just spends it in starbucks and on crap in WHSmith or Claires Accessories. £20 is plenty (too much in fact!)

Original poster
Angelsandmagnets · 04/06/2016 17:01

I was pretty staggered about the friend's casual spending- is this really what pre-teens are like these days? It used to be quality time and a small treat, not crazy money splashing.

OP posts:
FeckinCrutches · 04/06/2016 17:02

My 11yo buys all her own clothes, either online or in town.

bakeoffcake · 04/06/2016 17:03

Hahahaha!

£40 for a pair of jeans for an 11 year old is good value?!?

No it isn't, it's bloody expensive as they grow like trees at that age and they'll only fit for a few months.

amidawish · 04/06/2016 17:03

my dds also have osper cards - that solves the problem. they have access to money if they really need it.

Fairylea · 04/06/2016 17:05

I think this age group get given too much money to be honest. All of dds friends have iPhones, iPads, make up from Mac and nars, adidas superstar trainers, and so on. It's utterly ridiculous - we don't even live in a particularly wealthy area. I think the whole vloggers trend has a lot to answer for - they see all this stuff on their blogs and want it and pester for it. We don't have a lot of money and I really feel it with dd because having all those things is so "normal" in her age group. (Year 8).

pippistrelle · 04/06/2016 17:08

is this really what pre-teens are like these days?

There seem to be plenty of people on this thread telling you no, they're not.

nicenewdusters · 04/06/2016 17:09

I'd ask your friend tomorrow if her daughter returned the money to her, as you understood that, quite rightly, your daughter had given it back.

Use that as an opening to say that you prefer to be with your daughter when she's buying clothes, or making bigger purchases. The £20 she had was more than enough for a mooch around the shops with her friend, so there's no need to offer her any money in the future.

I buy by children's friends lunch if we're out, and perhaps top up 50p/£1 if they both want to buy the same hideous pencil case/lip gloss etc. But I would never give such a large amount to enable them to buy something my child was buying. I think it's patronising and puts the other parent in a very difficult position.

I too think £40 is a lot for jeans for an £11 year old. This is kind of a red herring though, the mother was just wrong to assume that £20 wasn't enough - enough for what ?

eyebrowsonfleek · 04/06/2016 17:09

My 13 year old did the same yesterday and was happy to have 20 quid to spend.
She bought a drink at Costa, some lunch, a top at H&M and some makeup at Superdrug. Her friends bought similar.

I recently bought her 20 quid jeans from New Look and she is as fashionable as her friends. She's growing taller quickly so I'll be surprised if they last 12 months. She knows about labels but is not that bothered. She owns a pair of Converse and wears 40 quid Nike trainers for PE but everything else is high street or from the market.

Original poster
Angelsandmagnets · 04/06/2016 17:12

Fairy Completely right with the vloggers, DD is forever going on about Zoella and the like. Going to an all girls school means that they're always talking about who has what in the weirdly competitive way only Year 7s can.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 04/06/2016 17:14

What a very odd thing for her to do Hmm. However casually they spend money within their own family; to bestow pity on your dd because you "didn't give her enough" is graceless and crass in the extreme.
I'd think the same if you'd given her 50p.
Absolutely none of Madam's business whatsoever.
And yes, I don't think furious is too strong a word.

cankles · 04/06/2016 17:18

£40 is a ridiculous amount to spend on an 11 year old for a pair of jeans.

£20 is not a ridiculous amount to be given for shopping whether, 11, 12 or even 13.

Children need to understand the value of money, we need to teach them. Saying 'no' doesn't make us bad parents or people. We all need boundaries.

If you mention anything to the other mum, you only need to say that your daughter had plenty of money and that you don't live excessively.

amidawish · 04/06/2016 17:19

and yes i too would be cross.

definitely check she got the £ back (bet she didn't)
also say £20 is more than enough and you didn't expect her to spend it all. it wasn't billed as a big clothes expedition - which anyway you would want to be there for.

Stratter5 · 04/06/2016 17:19

I don't think 'furious' is an overreaction at all. I'd be steaming, the other mother has been incredibly rude and patronising.

Original poster
Angelsandmagnets · 04/06/2016 17:21

I will check with the mum tomorrow however this means bringing up the situation which is awkward as she is known for arguing a point and may feel strongly about this.

OP posts:
LaBelleOtero · 04/06/2016 17:23

For an 11 year old, I'd be thinking a lipgloss from Superdrug, earrings from Claires and a milkshake. £20 is plenty. You didn't know they were doing clothes shopping.

timeforheroes · 04/06/2016 17:24

Not a lot for her to feel strongly about. Your your DD's mother, what you say goes, you decide what she can spend and what you give her. The end.

What if your DD spent the extra money? Were you meant to reimburse the other mum? Despite not being consulted?

timeforheroes · 04/06/2016 17:25

You're* Bloody phone.

plantsitter · 04/06/2016 17:28

I would mention it, but in a jokey 'I must've got the wrong end of the stick as nobody could be so rude in real life could they' way.

Chattymummyhere · 04/06/2016 17:32

I don't think £20 for a shopping trip is much tbh it might get you a pair of jeans and a hot drink if your lucky here but it was not up to the other mum to point out how much or how little you had given your child.

She needs to teach her child not to brag and not to push others into spending as much as her.

Swipe left for the next trending thread